i kissed her neck and may lose my marriage

[xxjxjxx]

it started off at our apt. my wife her cousin and one of her friends were all drinking pretty heavily throughout the night. normally i would never even go clubbing because i feel like dancing is very sexual and intimate (were in our low 20's) throughout the night my wife kept putting me between her cousin and her friend and i honestly stepped aside on several occasions telling her i didn't feel right and she kept telling me it was alright and putting me back. later on in the night she was dancing with her cousin and i was dancing with her friend and unfortunately i made the mistake of kissing her neck starring my wife in her eyes and her friend had my hands which she was moving up and down her legs. in all honesty i don't remember doing this yet i know it's not an excuse. it shouldn't have happened regardless of the reasoning and i regret it every day. since the incident my wife and i are technically "apart" but still living and sleeping in the same room. she says she wants things to work but she's not sure if she can get over me "cheating" on her that night. I love this girl more than anything in the world and would never intentionally do anything to harm her. I know i want to spend the rest of my life with her and i just need some direction as to how i could fix this mistake. any help would be nice

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Something does not seem right about this story. Are you sure you were not set up by your wife?

[LoyalGirl]

What happened immediately after the incident? Your wife was starring at you so then what did she do?

[xxjxjxx]

from talking to her cousin after the incident i was starring in her eyes she then took her cousin to the bathroom as they talked about it.... she quit talking to me for the ride home and didn't even tell me why she was pissed for 2-3 days or so... she told me after she had said she was leaving and i was pissed because i honestly didn't remember any of it...

[westrock]

Have you apologized to your wife for your part in what happened?

[xxjxjxx]

i've apologized on several accounts repeatedly... she says she just can't get over the fact that it had happened, at least in front of her. i'm bedazzled as to what i need to do to fix this whole ordeal... it's to the point that she won't even kiss me anymore. i just don't understand

[carhill]

Drink a little less....that applies to everyone

 

Your wife sounds very immature.....or she's looking for a reason to leave. This one incident, viewed in a vacuum, is a resoundingly foolish one, IMO.

 

If she persists, even in the face of your abject apologies, invite her to leave and stay gone. Perhaps you do need some time apart.

[xxjxjxx]

i don't think i can just let her go... i know it sounds pathetic but I can't. She's agreed to marriage counseling so we're going to try that. She's manic depressive but has always refused her medicine so it's hard to just let her go because we've had retarded problems before and she always ends up crying in my arms apologizing and thanking me for always being here. I just don't know if this is another depression state or what... after 2 years she's finally willing to take medicine and see a doctor so i guess im holding onto that as an excuse not to let her go.... honestly im just lost. lately i dont know if im actually happy or sad. she left for a week to think things over not to long after the incident, and it messed me up. like i said, i know its pathetic but its true

[Green]

How would you feel if your wife was getting kissed on her neck while one of your guy friends had his hands all over her. You need to drink a little less dude... I think you should be able to make it through this but its understandable this upset her

[xxjxjxx]

truthfully it would tear me up inside to an extent but honestly... if things had been the other way around. Me pushing her on my friends and something happening, id blame myself not her. None the less yeah it would hurt but I wouldn't throw away my marriage over it. Not if i could be held accountable at the least bit for what had happened. Not using this as an excuse because i'm ashamed that it did happen and accept that it's my fault. I guess it just gets me because shes so indecisive about the whole situation. One day she loves me and won't stop touching me and telling me its going to work out and then another after she talking about how she cant even kiss me because she can only see the incident in her mind

[Green]

truthfully it would tear me up inside to an extent but honestly... if things had been the other way around. Me pushing her on my friends and something happening, id blame myself not her. None the less yeah it would hurt but I wouldn't throw away my marriage over it. Not if i could be held accountable at the least bit for what had happened. Not using this as an excuse because i'm ashamed that it did happen and accept that it's my fault. I guess it just gets me because shes so indecisive about the whole situation. One day she loves me and won't stop touching me and telling me its going to work out and then another after she talking about how she cant even kiss me because she can only see the incident in her mind

 

well she has a right to be upset but maybe in another few weeks if this is still going on get tough on her and say " I love you I need you but this needs to end you need to drop it and forget it and we need to move on" And I'll say it again watch it with the drinking its no excuse and the fact that you did this infront of ur wife just makes her feel what do u do when she's not there its like a lost of trust

[carhill]

OP, you know you can't fix her psych issues or perspective. Can you accept them? Do you want to ride this rollercoaster into the indeterminate future?

 

Definitely do go to MC, but don't expect it to "fix" things. It should help you with acceptance and behavior modification. Your wife may "want" it to work, but she has to really work on herself.

 

IMO, you both should stop drinking until this is resolved.

[xxjxjxx]

we really don't drink that much. When we first got together thats all we did but within the past year and a half maybe 3-4 times. I usually try and keep myself away from any situation where things could arise. I went out because she had begged me to time and time again and i never would. I didn't want things to happen like i had stated earlier the dancing is very emotional and intimate in my eyes. All in all i know i would never do something to hurt her and now i know to trust my own instincts and not to put myself in a position where something could happen regardless.

[xxjxjxx]

im willing to accept that she has different beliefs and to meet her as far as i have to go with my own. Im willing to do anything to keep this marriage alive. yeah we've stopped drinking and i'm not expecting the marriage counseling to "fix" the problem just hopefully give us both a better understanding of the incident i guess. Kinda at a loss of words as to what i really expect from it or at least how to explain it

[carhill]

OP, it's important that you know "why" you stopped drinking. I'm not in any way suggesting either of you have an issue with alcohol. That said, alcohol was involved during this recent painful experience which precipitated your marital difficulties, so, by publicly and openly making a behavior change, you're sending a message that you don't wish to create those circumstances again. As a program note, most meds your wife might take for bi-polar or depressive diseases warn against using alcohol with them. So, for her, that's good enough reason to stop.

 

If you are open and honest in MC, it will clarify a lot for you. This sounds easy, but it's not. It's very painful. A lot of personal life issues will come up and old wounds may be opened up for scrutiny. If you're committed, and you and she still love each other (very important), then it can work. Keep us posted!

[xxjxjxx]

one last question. Until last night she had told me that it was over and we'd never get back together because she would never trust me. Last night she broke down crying and finally opened up a little. She cried in my arms as i streamed my fingers through her hair and she just kept asking me what she's supposed to do. I told her to do whatever is going to make her happy. She asked if i was willing to wait and said she didn't want to leave because she does want a future with me. Like I posted earlier she just can't get over what had happened. She kept asking what re-assurance does she have that I wouldn't just do it again. I guess the real question I intended to ask from the beginning is more along the lines of... How can I prove to her that she's the only one I want and need. That I truly am sorry and would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage let alone her own happiness....

[carhill]

IMO, you can only act in a responsible manner and validate her feelings when she expresses them to you. You can't ever "prove" anything....

[whichwayisup]

Look, she has to give you a second chance here. The setting was wrong, the drinking, the dancing, her, her friend and her cousin WITH you. She was pushing her cousin and friend upon you, like some sort of test. You felt uncomfortable, yet she kept pushing. Yes it was stupid of you to kiss that woman's neck, and that woman should not have guided your hands up and down her legs.

 

Give it time, do the counselling and together, maybe stop drinking and putting yourselves in situations where 'things' can get out of hand.

 

Good luck and I hope she gives you another shot.

[Potatocakes]

Is she putting all the blame on you? She doesnt care that her cousin was running your hands all over her?

[xxjxjxx]

all blame is thrown upon myself and i can't talk about it because shes so full of rage and anger about the whole situation. I've tried bringing up the fact that she pushed them on me way before it had happened and she just gets pissed off... thats part of the reasoning i want to try marriage counseling im hoping that it wont only help me but hopefully open up her eyes as in to the fact that i was trying to walk away long before anything had happened.... o it was her friend that this happened with not her cousin. As far as the hands go i should have stopped, which yeah is understandable because it shouldn't have happened. Just sucks because her whole point of view is "if i'm going to stray away that easy then what's the point of being together"...

[jj33]

I know its difficult but I can see it from her point of view. Did she have a reason to feel she needed to test you? Is she generally insecure about the relationship or have there been incidents in the past that would lead her to believe you be weak in the face of temptation? It sounds like she has some major trust issues or she would not have instigated the situation.

 

If a friend of mine was coming onto my H or my bf and he kissed her I would react in the same way. Yes you were tested yes there was alchohol but... there is some issue there because even under the influence of alcohol your core values are either that you wouldnt cross the line in a month of sundays or you would. Had you been totally adverse to the idea, your instinctive reaction would have been to push her away or stopped dancing when she started running her hands on your legs. That is totally inappropriate behavior on her part. If your wife pushed you back into it at that point, then she is obviously playing some sort of game, consciously or unconciously but the fact is you could have said no if you really didnt want to go there. You could have confronted W afterwards and asked what all that was about.

 

Even if you were set up, which it sounds like you were, you failed the test. You enjoyed it and responded. If you would do it in front of your wife what would you do if she wasnt there. If you were with friends from work and some hot girl came onto you and you started dancing... My guess is that those are the sorts of things that are running through her mind. How could she trust you on a business trip etc if you cant resist the temptation while staring into her eyes?

 

I am not attacking you. Just trying to give you some diea of what she may be thinking.

 

You obviously care about her and dont want to lose her and didnt consciously want this to happen.

 

Hopefully MC can help that. Take the blame but raise the issue of her behavior in MC. Saying W pushed her friend on you is not an excuse. Unless you are weak and frail and she is a big strong woman from whom you couldnt physically escape its not going to make your wife feel better to say you tried to get out of it but you couldnt.

 

Hopefully your W will open up about her issues as she did instigate the situtation.

[xxjxjxx]

i really can't explain as to why i did. I'm not attracted to the friend or anything but one thing that gets me and in my mind is as to why i did is because a threesome had previously been planned with this particular friend. Never had one before and before my wife i was appalled to the idea... in my eyes sex is very passionate and intimate and in her eyes it is as well but also can be just for pure pleasure... i understand i shouldn't have done it and i'm not using this as an excuse just simply figuring things out in my own mind i guess. this incident took place probably about 3 months ago and she didn't stop touching and kissing me until a 1 1/2 - 2 weeks ago it just doesn't add up to me.

[carhill]

Do you think there's someone else?

 

Another, equally disturbing thought, do you think she was "testing" you to confirm some change in feelings for you she already was experiencing?

 

Hmmm....

[jj33]

i really can't explain as to why i did. I'm not attracted to the friend or anything but one thing that gets me and in my mind is as to why i did is because a threesome had previously been planned with this particular friend. Never had one before and before my wife i was appalled to the idea... in my eyes sex is very passionate and intimate and in her eyes it is as well but also can be just for pure pleasure... i understand i shouldn't have done it and i'm not using this as an excuse just simply figuring things out in my own mind i guess. this incident took place probably about 3 months ago and she didn't stop touching and kissing me until a 1 1/2 - 2 weeks ago it just doesn't add up to me.

 

 

Aha. You skipped a KEY piece of information. So to make sure we understand,

 

1. Your wife proposed a 3some with this friend. It isnt something that you would have proposed yourself but W is into that.

 

2. 3some never came off for whatever reason and then W pushes you towards this friend who she claimed to want a 3some with.

 

3. You were uncomfortable, but you went along at a certain point to please your wife.

 

4. So when the friend started touching you, you looked at your wife because you thought this was what she wanted - to see the 2 of you together.

 

Is that the story - MUCH different than the story you posted. Very sorry if I suggested it was your fault. I didnt understand the context.

 

OK I dont know if you ever did a 3 some with your wife, but even if its something that appeals to you or your W, the reason people say dont do it, is because it can so easily end in tears. Its not something that ever appealed to me in any way but I understand that when a serious partner is involved it can get very very tricky emotionally.

 

This is just speculation but your wife may have a fantasy about that, or may have done it with other people but (understatement) seeing you with her friend bothered her. And its been bothering her.

 

You really need MC to deal with this. With an openminded therapist so your W doesnt feel attacked for her fantasies. She pushed it and now she is sorry. Very slippery slope. And really good thing the actual 3some never happened. If she couldnt deal with seeing you kiss her she would been even more really torn apart if she had gone through with it.

 

Good luck with the MC. It sounds like it will be very helpful with the right therapist. And its really good to explore things with her but you dont want to be pushed beyond your boundaries either.

[carhill]

Concur on the MC and I missed the threesome part. I need a refresher in reading comprehension

 

In the meantime, positive actions and validate her feelings (don't argue or dismiss them). One day at a time