lofi_tokyo Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Hi there! As the title suggests, my ex is contacting me and... I don't know what to do! I am NOT over him entirely, I still have nightmares and occasionally get into sad bouts... but I know I don't want a relationship right now, especially not a long distance one, which is what we'd be in. So... I feel OKAY talking to him. But... is it wrong of me to be doing so? We've been broken up about about three weeks now, NC (until now) for one week. He initiated conversation, and I am letting him lead it. I think this is alright, because I am not like... acting hurt, I am being strong and happy, because thats how I'm feeling. I don't feel obliged to carry the conversation. Maybe its wrong though... I really dont know. I just feel as though being rude to him or ignoring him would accomplish nothing, and as long as I am the one in control, having him pursue the conversation, then its okay right? Maybe not? I'm new to this! I did not expect to hear from him or have him try to chit chat with me in a longgggg time, he told me friendship wasn't going to work. He also, to my knowledge, is seeing a girl now - not dating, but crushing on and going out with one... so... how do I handle this? The last thing I want is for him to think I'm going to be his backup. I'm not, I'm really not interested. Help? (sorry this is long)
carhill Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Do your feelings remain romantic? Your posting suggests this. Your past postings indicate you sensed lessening interest by him and proactively broke up with him. Is that accurate? What do you want? What actions by him would resolve those desires, if they include him? Did he tell you about this "crush" on another girl or did you get this information second hand? It sounds to me like he is sending mixed signals, a sign to me of an unhealthy emotional state. I think your instinct for NC is a good one. I'd go with that. Perhaps, with adequate time to heal and reflect, you can reinvent your R, perhaps as romance; perhaps as friendship. Only time will tell
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Thanks for the reply Carhill - your questions kind of made me reflect. I DID break up with him because I felt him distancing himself for this other girl. He has told me he thinks he has feelings for her... but isn't sure yet. I think you're right about maintaining NC though. In only one week I've felt SO much better and more independent, I should pursue that until I know for myself that I want to talk to him casually. Thank you
SarahRose Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I guess you have to ask yourself, what is the benefit to you to respond to him? Do you get something out of it or does it just keep you stuck? It sounds like you ended it as he was being wishy washy about you and his feelings towards you. Has any of that changed? What is he offering you that benefits you?
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 AHH I dont know what to do. Hes talking to me AGAIN and... I don't want him to think I'm weak and still having problems, I want to be my own confident person, and telling him I cant talk to him seems to be admitting I'm having issues with him and his new girl... which I am, but I want my confident side to show, because I am that too. That being said, I wish he'd just ****in' leave me alone. How can I get him to stop talking to me without explicitly saying he needs to stop?
carhill Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Assuming he's not holding a gun to your head, you don't have to talk to or communicate with him in any fashion. Just don't accept any contact. Don't answer his calls, don't read his e-mails. Imagine that you don't exist anymore, so all his attempts would be fruitless.
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I guess you're right. And I mean, not answering his e-mails doesnt mean I'm being rude... right or being hurt? It just means I could be... too busy enjoying life without him. Which is the idea I like most.
superd Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 this "back-up girl/guy" thing is an epidemic on this site. Maybe this isn't the place for you if you are a fall back guy!!!!
carhill Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 If you're the type of person who needs to "explain", do so via the means most appropriate to you, then execute NC. You're in charge of how you feel about being "rude" and whether you are or not. You can't control his feelings or reactions. That's his universe. Do what is healthy for you
Author lofi_tokyo Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 this "back-up girl/guy" thing is an epidemic on this site. Maybe this isn't the place for you if you are a fall back guy!!!! That actually IS one of my fears! In our relationship, I was perpetually lowering my standards for him - I let a huge amount of red flags pass me by. So now, if I try to be his friend, because I value that, aren't I just lowering my standards even more? He'll get the satisfaction of keeping me in his life, and not losing me, but without having to make any real commitments to me. If I pursued a friendship, he would most likely move on from even that eventually. How much am I willing to let slide? We just broke up and hes seeing another girl! When I think of that, I know I need to cut contact. My guess is our friendship is only as valuable to him as it serves as a healing mechanism. When he misses me, he contacts me, I miss him too, so I chat, but then his missing me is satisfied and he moves on I think. I just deleted a big chunk of this post because I realized how ridiculous I'm being. Its time to let go. If he contacts me, we'll... I'll say hello, but thats it. Nothing else. We both need to go our separate ways... thats why we broke up!
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