Author sveltskye Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Well, the thing is, he's either going to keep calling/dating you or not once you show that you're serious about this whole "no immediate sex" thing. If he continues for a while, and you get to the point where it seems to be at a standstill, then maybe you can ask where he wants it to go. But I wouldn't pressure it into the relationship right away, Just enjoy getting to know eachother and taking it slow for a while, I think.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I think I might just ask him "You're not a big phone talker, are you?" and just comment on the fact. I figure that's probably the issue and I shouldn't be paranoid. The thing is that our schedules were conflicting a lot, and I only could see him once a week for the last week so I've been thinking about him all week and he hasn't really responded to me besides in email once. So I'm just trying to distance myself emotionally so I don't stress over the lack of attention. Its weird though, huh? You get really paranoid when they don't respond to you. I honestly was wondering if he liked me still, even though I sense that he does! Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I work crazy hours and he works crazy hours. We only see each other once a week since we've met too (with the exception of the first week where we went to two baseball games together over the weekend). I have a date with him tomorrow and I'm just not sure I should go because I am trying to distance myself emotionally, but with each and every date, I can see myself liking him even more. And yes, you do get paranoid when they don't respond. I'm just not used to it! Me too, I am seriously wondering now whether he's interested, coupled with the fact that I just found out about his last relationship ending not too long ago.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Well, the thing is, he's either going to keep calling/dating you or not once you show that you're serious about this whole "no immediate sex" thing. If he continues for a while, and you get to the point where it seems to be at a standstill, then maybe you can ask where he wants it to go. But I wouldn't pressure it into the relationship right away, Just enjoy getting to know eachother and taking it slow for a while, I think. Perfect idea! And no, I don't want to pressure him into ANY relationship right now. I'm just at a point in my life where I want the person to be OPEN to the idea of a relationship if we find things continue to go well. There are plenty of guys who, for whatever reason, including the point they are at in their lives, where even if the perfect girl landed on their lap, they just won't even bother to emotionally invest enough to get to the point of determining whether she is the right girl for them! That's more of my concern. Is he interested? If he is so far, is he open to seeing where things will go? Or is he just going to casually date me for a long time, have sex with me, and then end things when it's time for him to move on? That's where I'm confused and want to know.
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 Help! We need more men Boy, you are simultaneously helping out two women here!!!! Brownie points for you!!! You may need some backup soon! lol
Author sveltskye Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 Well, I meant that you shouldn't pressure the conversation into the relationship too soon, I figured you wouldn't pressure *him* into a relationship. I'd just suggest when you're feeling ready to sleep with him (but not right before, lol). Just ask him where he wants it to be going. But don't sleep with him not knowing if he wants a relationship or not. Yeah, I agree, thanks carhill for your imput. I guess I was kind of snappy earlier, so sorry about that but I appreciate your outlook. Where are all the men? LOL
carhill Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I have a date with him tomorrow and I'm just not sure I should go because I am trying to distance myself emotionally, but with each and every date, I can see myself liking him even more. And yes, you do get paranoid when they don't respond. I'm just not used to it!You're fighting yourself. Stop This is why communication is so important. Emotions and communication don't show you as weak, rather as strong. A man who is in it for the long haul responds to that positively. There's a trick here...you seem to see all these things you're agonizing over as your weaknesses. As long as you believe that, they are. Make them your strengths. Become a strong, emotional, intimate woman. Know what you want from a man. Yes, a good relationship takes time. It also takes effort, by both parties. The reason I'm mentioning this (perhaps to both of you) is that so many women of my generation lament that their husbands, when confronted with their distance, exclaim that "I came home every night and brought home my paycheck. Of course I love you!" By passively "gauging" interest and analyzing and projecting onto a man's actions and words, rather than actively communicating with him, especially in the beginning, such a dynamic ("what is he thinking") is entirely possible, and relationships and marriages have been built upon it. While my perspective is my own, I've communicated it here. IMO, your men need to hear yours. Gently, in a feminine and supportive/loving way, but definitely. Inspire him to love you. It's within you
Author sveltskye Posted September 25, 2008 Author Posted September 25, 2008 I've always been very open and communicative in my relationships, and I think I kind of freaked out the guy that way, honestly. Not that I'm going to stop, its just kind of my nature, but I'm tired of scaring guys off. How do you gently inquire as to what they want, commitment-wise, without freaking them into running away? And how do you know how appropriate it is for how long you've known them?
LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 You're fighting yourself. Stop This is why communication is so important. Emotions and communication don't show you as weak, rather as strong. A man who is in it for the long haul responds to that positively. There's a trick here...you seem to see all these things you're agonizing over as your weaknesses. As long as you believe that, they are. Make them your strengths. Become a strong, emotional, intimate woman. Know what you want from a man. Yes, a good relationship takes time. It also takes effort, by both parties. Wow, I have NEVER looked at it that way. In some ways, I've always been afraid of those feelings or afraid that I'm rushing things and expressing how I feel will cause the guy to run, and some have, but you wrote it beautifully, that I should embrace my emotions and open communication. I think it's because I'm the "wear her heart on her sleeve" type gal and have been hurt by it before when the last guy I dated got freaked out by that and pulled a Houdini on me, although now he calls asking for another chance, but I'm through with him. Plus he was 20 years old and I'm 29, would not have worked out anyhow. The reason I'm mentioning this (perhaps to both of you) is that so many women of my generation lament that their husbands, when confronted with their distance, exclaim that "I came home every night and brought home my paycheck. Of course I love you!" By passively "gauging" interest and analyzing and projecting onto a man's actions and words, rather than actively communicating with him, especially in the beginning, such a dynamic ("what is he thinking") is entirely possible, and relationships and marriages have been built upon it. While my perspective is my own, I've communicated it here. IMO, your men need to hear yours. Gently, in a feminine and supportive/loving way, but definitely. Inspire him to love you. It's within you Yeah, I think I will open up a bit more tomorrow on my date. I will definitely try to enjoy it and not try to over analyze every gesture, word, action.... Thank you!!!!!
carhill Posted September 25, 2008 Posted September 25, 2008 I've always been very open and communicative in my relationships, and I think I kind of freaked out the guy that way, honestly. Not that I'm going to stop, its just kind of my nature, but I'm tired of scaring guys off. How do you gently inquire as to what they want, commitment-wise, without freaking them into running away? And how do you know how appropriate it is for how long you've known them? IMO, don't ask them how they feel or how they view "where things are going"'; rather, tell them what you want and how you feel and invite them talk about it. When a woman talks in circular fashion to me, I find it very annoying, even though I understand the psychology. I always just say "spit it out, it's not that bad" You say open and communicative has driven some men off. My first response is they were the wrong men for you, but I'll dig a little deeper. Give me an example of this open and communicative style. I'll set the mood. You just had a great date and are enjoying the afterglow walking home arm in arm/holding hands/kissing under the streetlight/whatever. He says "Baby, I had a fabulous time tonight. I always look forward to seeing you. Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" bla, bla, bla. Firstly, what does this say to you? Then, how do you respond? What do you do and say to progress this to where you want it to go. It's all in little increments. Now, for me, if the tables were reversed, and I heard the above from a woman I was dating, I'd ask her to let me think about it, then, upon saying goodnight, I'd take her in my arms, give her a long and passionate kiss, and whisper in her ear "I'll call you tomorrow night and we'll talk all about it" without saying what "it" was and then I would. The key here is that both the man and woman are "into" each other and know it and they play off each other but trust each other. The best way to build this dynamic is to lead. I think this is the man's job. To trust, to show affection, to express attraction, to take some risks emotionally. Show parts of his masculinity and his emotions. Leave a bit of mystery but couch it in safety and comfort. What do you want from your man? Again, I'm presuming you wish to have a LTR, with being married down the road a possibility. It's important that you know what you want, within yourself. You don't blurt it out, but it guides your actions. If the man is not on the same page and/or responsive, then he's not for you. I wish I could explain it better. When my wife and I met and came to know each other, we both knew we wanted to be married (not to each other but in general) so approached dating from that standpoint. The prospect of marriage influenced how we interacted and viewed each other as people. It affected our thought and emotional processes. Does that make sense? As I now have that wife and our cat both snoring peacefully next to me, I think it's time for me to close the lid on the laptop
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