Dating and then suddenly more... want to be cautious

[sveltskye]

I met this guy online about a couple weeks ago and warned him that I had just gotten out of two consecutive relationships. The second was very short, basically the guy was extremely hot and then suddenly cold. Anyways, I warned the current guy that I might want to not jump into things too quickly and he agreed with me that that was a good idea on like the 2nd date or so cause he said in the past he had felt like when he'd slept with girls it felt just like a hook up and he had lost interest. That kind of raised my red flag a little, but I do like him and it sounded like he wants something more this time.

So last night we were watching a movie and ended up cuddling and listening to music afterward. Suddenly he kisses me and we started making out and going further. I wanted to sleep with him, and could have as I had condoms and everything, but I ended up telling him we shouldn't go any further. He didn't pressure me at all and said he was fine with that.

I didn't mind that he wanted to, I actually liked that he took the initiative, but I told him that I was kind of concerned after what he had said and asked if he was going to forget about me after we slept together and he said no and that we were stuck with each other until after Oct 4 at least- since we're going to a concert together on that day. Funny, but not super assuring.

Anyways, this kind of makes him sound like a player but my gut tells me that he's not. I know that he has not dated or been with a lot of girls. We also have incredibly a lot in common.

I guess I just kind of would like to know what he's looking for out of this or in general. Is that something I can ask him? How do I know when I'm ready to trust him? I unfortunately am perfectly comfortable sleeping with someone and getting attached to them quickly, so I promised myself that I would be more careful this time. I just don't really know how to protect myself or how I'll know when is the right time. I feel like I'm pretty happy when I'm single and I don't "need" someone, but its hard not to want to sleep with a guy you like and are dating.

Any thoughts?

[westrock]

I guess I just kind of would like to know what he's looking for out of this or in general. Is that something I can ask him?

 

Yes ask him. Be prepared to answer the question about yourself.

 

How do I know when I'm ready to trust him?

 

You will just know.

 

I promised myself that I would be more careful this time. I just don't really know how to protect myself or how I'll know when is the right time.

 

Keep your promise to yourself.

 

When you believe that the time is right, then make him wait for a while longer just to be sure. That could mean a few days, weeks, or months, whatever you feel is right for you. If he thinks you are worth a LTR he will be prepared to wait for you.

[carhill]

You're letting your hormones write policy here....

 

Go for non-sexual physical affection for a few dates and see how that flies. Remember, the physical (sexual) part is easy. That's a billion years of evolution telling you to further your genetic material. It has nothing to do with reality

 

Teach yourself how to derive intimacy with a man without sex (the actual act).

 

All of this presumes you wish eventually to have a healthy LTR or marriage with a compatible man. The "right time" is something you both decide on in a mutually satisfying and healthy way. Think about it....what was really going on in your mind when you were kissing him and "making out"? What were you expressing? Does that have legs (as in longevity)? Is it healthy? Only you can answer for yourself....

[sveltskye]

Thanks for the advice, both of you. I am aware that it was definately a hormones running away from us moment and that's why I stopped. It didn't feel right, and it was contradictory to our "going slow" premise.

We have been dating non sexually, carhill. I wasn't even expecting it to go that far last night. And I am prepared to go back to that for a while, and talk to him.

I don't have a problem with what we did already, I don't feel like it was inappropriate or anything. But I do think it would have been premature for us to have had sex, given that I don't like "hooking up" or one night stand type stuff. I told him that we didn't know each other well enough.

Maybe we can just avoid getting into that kind of intimate situation for a little while.

I'm not trying to let my hormones run away with me, I've just never really waited a very long time before, so its kind of new to me. I don't know when or what is appropriate for me. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[carhill]

As a program note, the original posting mentions " I met this guy online about a couple weeks ago and warned him that I had just gotten out of two consecutive relationships."

 

Then, "We have been dating non sexually, carhill."

 

OK, it appears, compared to a ONS on the first date, you've been dating non-sexually, but can you agree this experience is still very new for both of you, who, prior to "two weeks ago", were complete strangers (I presume)?

 

When LS'ers say "too much, too fast", this IMO is what they mean. It's not what actually happens as much as how you feel about it.

 

Try this....be physically affectionate, as in holding his hand, taking his arm when walking, and kissing him (no swallowing each other's tongues, OK? ), but pull back if he starts to grope you or touch/kiss you in sexual ways. Then, reassure him of your continued interest, but set your boundary. If he likes you and respects you, he'll respect that boundary and offer his interest and affection in ways acceptable to you. Your job is to value that and initiate yourself.

 

Again, this presumes you wish to have a LTR and, at this point, this man appears compatible. With a compatible man, holding back a bit sexually (I'm not talking reinventing virginity ) in no way poisons your future because he'll be on the same page as you. If he's not, that's an answer

[shockandawed]

I couldn't agree with Carhill more. As a male, I can assure you if I am interested in a girl for LDR potential, I have no problem waiting for a bit. In fact, I kind of prefer it.

 

Like your friend, I have found I tend to lose interest in a chick if we romp in the sack immediately. Ride it out a little bit and I think you will probably surprise yourself.

[sveltskye]

Ok, yes, we are certainly new to each other- of course! That's exactly why I stopped things and told him that we didn't know each other well enough. We had done absolutely nothing at all besides hugging before last night, and I'm not saying that I'm going to sleep with him on the next date! But I felt kind of guilt tripped in my post and I don't think that's fair. I don't think making out is as big a deal as actual sex (I might if I was a virgin). It may not be appropriate while we're just dating cause it would frustrate things, but I don't feel like I should flog myself or something! We're not in the Dark Ages here. I feel satisfied that I made the right decision, especially considering what he had said before. And I think he has already shown signs of respecting boundaries, we'll see how he behaves in the future.

I kind of feel like I'm being lectured on what I did, while my questions were more concerned with the future- as in how slow is slow? How long is it appropriate to wait? I know its kind of my decision, but everybody here agrees that last night would have been too soon, so is there a ballpark for how slow is "slow enough"? Should I use the Forty Year Old Virgin rule?

I may be being a little technical here, but like I said I haven't really gone slow before. I've never been interested in starting to date any of my guy friends, so I've always kind of met a guy and then jumped into it.

[Star Gazer]

Everyone has their own pace, women included. Some women, if they don't get kissed, or don't get a proposal, based on their own personal timeline, will bolt. If their needs are being met on their schedule, they take off.

 

Same holds true for men. Some men will bolt after a few dates if they don't get it. Others are willing to wait. Some will lose interest if you have sex right away, some won't and will actually be enticed by it.

 

What should this tell you? Do what feels right to you on your timeline, no one else's.

[Trialbyfire]

What do you value? If trust, sex and bonding go hand-in-glove for you, it doesn't sound like you're ready. Try not to abstain, to hold the guy's interest unless you're trying to get to know him, therefore, also ensuring he's getting a chance to know you without the added complication of the physical getting in the way.

 

I know I'm generalizing too much but am willing to go out on a limb. There are more than enough men who are emotionally lazy. If you sleep with them too quickly, they're not going to bother getting to know you or try to emotionally connect.

[carhill]

OP, as a program note, LS is likely the wrong place to visit if you prefer to avoid lectures :D

 

Let me try it another way. How has becoming sexual early in dating worked for you in the past? Do you understand what I mean by the difference between physical affection and sexual affection? Can you make that delineation in your emotions?

[Legend]

Everyone has their own pace, women included. Some women, if they don't get kissed, or don't get a proposal, based on their own personal timeline, will bolt. If their needs are being met on their schedule, they take off.

 

Same holds true for men. Some men will bolt after a few dates if they don't get it. Others are willing to wait. Some will lose interest if you have sex right away, some won't and will actually be enticed by it.

 

What should this tell you? Do what feels right to you on your timeline, no one else's.

Can always spot an attorney online

[sveltskye]

Ok, I wanted to take a little space from this post. I am glad I didn't jump into having sex with this guy and I think its definately something I'm gonna wait to do.

 

To answer your question, carhill, I have very good experiences in the relationships but I was broken up with so that ended up bad, of course. I don't feel like I regret especially the first one and I don't think it would have changed anything to have gone slower. I got almost a year out of that relationship and I don't think it would have changed him breaking up with me if we'd gone slower (because I probably wouldn't have waited 7 months to get involved with him). We both admit that it was the most serious relationship we had been in and have been in since.

The second guy, yes, it probably would have been better to have waited longer before getting involved with him. However, I don't know if it was the physical intimacy that messed it up as much as the emotional intimacy. The physical intimacy was probably what brought on the emotional intimacy for me and that's what made him run away though, so I guess it did have something to do with that.

 

I like this guy a lot and I feel like I have a lot of anxiety and fear that somehow getting involved with him is going to blow up in my face. I had a lot of anxiety this week about it. I think I really just want to make sure that he likes me as much as I like him. But its kind of scary for me because every time I've liked a guy a lot it feels like that's driven them away. I feel almost like I should pull away and let him come to me more if he's going to. And he agreed with me that it would be better for us to "take our time". I just kind of wish he would seem more enthusiastic in other ways, although I get the sense that his personality is a little more laid back and standoffish. I'm just not used to not having as much feedback, compared to my last two exes, especially the second who showered me with verbal compliments and affection- and then lost interest in 2 months. So I don't entirely base everything off of how infatuated they seem at first now, but at least I felt like it was easier to gauge his feelings at the time.

 

I felt kind of upset by what you said. But mostly that was just because I felt like well there's nothing I can do about what I did now. And honestly I feel like it wasn't that big a deal. To me its more the act of consummation itself that is the big deal. When I was a virgin everything, all the little steps before were very sacred to me, because it was the first time, but now, honestly I don't mind going a little further a little more prematurely.

 

I don't really like the notion that somehow it was all my decision to get involved early that made the difference between make or break, either. That seems almost sexist to me. Yes, it contributed some to it, but if heartbreak is gonna happen, its gonna happen. It takes two to tango, and they chose to leave. I don't want to beat myself up too much over the past- learn from it, yes.

 

That said, I've been agreeing the whole time that I need to wait and get to know him for a while before sleeping with him. I guess I just disagreed that making out and sex are equally meaningful.

[LoveDeluxe78]

 

I like this guy a lot and I feel like I have a lot of anxiety and fear that somehow getting involved with him is going to blow up in my face. I had a lot of anxiety this week about it. I think I really just want to make sure that he likes me as much as I like him. But its kind of scary for me because every time I've liked a guy a lot it feels like that's driven them away. I feel almost like I should pull away and let him come to me more if he's going to. And he agreed with me that it would be better for us to "take our time". I just kind of wish he would seem more enthusiastic in other ways, although I get the sense that his personality is a little more laid back and standoffish. I'm just not used to not having as much feedback, compared to my last two exes, especially the second who showered me with verbal compliments and affection- and then lost interest in 2 months. So I don't entirely base everything off of how infatuated they seem at first now, but at least I felt like it was easier to gauge his feelings at the time.

 

 

 

OMG, are we dating the same guy? I am in the same boat!

 

Met a guy about 3 weeks ago at a bar, we totally hit it off. Called me the NEXT day to propose something so we hung out that week for drinks. Then I saw him that weekend for baseball games. Then we hung out the next week. He came over and we cracked open a bottle of wine, and spent the night, but no sex since I told him I wanted to take it slow. He said he didn't want to rush me into anything." Didn't hang out last week and we have something planned this week.

 

But just because I wanted to take it slow with the sexual aspect doesn't mean I want to take it slow with the romantic/emotional aspects. I don't know where I stand with him. I too am used to receiving much more feedback from other guys. Other guys call and text me daily, almost too constantly. He doesn't text or call at all, except to plan things. He did text quite a bit the first week we met (but perhaps that was out of excitement of something new), about dumb, but cute stuff, you know, how my baseball team is so crappy, what he had for lunch at work, etc. But then it stopped. I wondered if it was because I didn't hook up with him that night. I figured he wasn't into me so I told him, "hey if you want to slow things down, let me know! :)" He said that we should just let things happen and it will work itself out.

 

I have no clue what that means.

 

And just when I was about to drop him, he wanted to hang out tomorrow for a formal date! He didn't say, "come over and hang out", he's planning a fun and cool date!

 

So I'm confused. Is he interested, is he NOT interested? Is his dating style and pace different from mine? Some guys like to take their time getting to know someone and perhaps the guys we're dating are taking their time. Maybe that's better than guys who have showered me with compliments and came on strong only to have things fizzle out. Is he trying NOT to appear too interested? Is this casual dating and he's seeing lots of other people?

 

I too have been in situations where I've liked a guy and they have disappeared for whatever reason. When I don't like them, they won't leave me alone! Go figure! I also think I need to "back off" a bit and have him come towards me a little as well! That way maybe I can gauge his level of interest?

 

I don't know if I should go on that date tomorrow at all! Part of me is so afraid I just want to end it tonight and tell him I don't see it going anywhere. The other part of me just thinks it's too premature to tell and maybe his dating style and pace is different from other guys and maybe this hasn't quite spelled out doom yet.

 

What do you think? I just posted this because I feel like I could totally relate to you right now!!! Our stories are eerily similar!

[carhill]

That said, I've been agreeing the whole time that I need to wait and get to know him for a while before sleeping with him. I guess I just disagreed that making out and sex are equally meaningful.

 

OK, I went back and re-read your OP. A couple of questions:

 

1. Are you looking for a LTR right now?

 

2. When you say "I guess I just disagreed that making out and sex are equally meaningful", do you mean that you disagree with an assertion I or someone else made about "making out" and "sex" being equally meaningful, as in being "sexual activity"? Or, do you disagree that "making out" and "sex" are completely unrelated, though sometimes combinable activities? I'm having a problem figuring out what is disagreeable

 

I'll try to give you my definition of physical affection vs sexual affection, based on my perceptions as a man. Feel free to add your own.

 

Physical affection: I feel close to her; I miss her; I'm so glad to have her in my arms again; her lips are so sweet; I feel loved and comforted.

 

Sexual affection: I want to devour her; feel my passion flow through her; fill her up with myself. I feel powerful and a bit vulnerable, and move in ways to stimulate her sexually, like touching and caressing her erogenous zones and kissing her in ways which stimulate her sexual response.

 

Remember, I'm providing an example. It isn't required to be your reality

 

As a guy, if I get to sexual affection too fast, or if a woman is too sexually affectionate with me too fast, I feel "rushed", as I want my emotions to be in line with my sexual desires, and, for me, that takes time. I would likely try to "slow down" by sharing my perspective with the woman. In the past, I'd distance myself, but that was when I was younger.

 

One comment by your man gave me pause, perhaps reflecting his age and/or immaturity...

I told him that I was kind of concerned after what he had said and asked if he was going to forget about me after we slept together and he said no and that we were stuck with each other until after Oct 4 at least- since we're going to a concert together on that day. Funny, but not super assuring.

 

I honestly don't know what I would've answered if a woman posed that kind of question to me, but even hearing the question would've given me pause. Why? Because I would assume by the question that the woman wasn't secure about how I felt about her, feelings deep enough to share myself sexually with her. This would set doubts into my mind; doubts about compatibility. Perhaps this is not the case with your man, I don't know.

 

Anyway, one more anonymous perspective

[LoveDeluxe78]

 

 

I honestly don't know what I would've answered if a woman posed that kind of question to me, but even hearing the question would've given me pause. Why? Because I would assume by the question that the woman wasn't secure about how I felt about her, feelings deep enough to share myself sexually with her. This would set doubts into my mind; doubts about compatibility. Perhaps this is not the case with your man, I don't know.

 

Anyway, one more anonymous perspective

 

It's hard though because sometimes it's hard to gauge how interested another person is. Sometimes guys will say what they need to say for you to feel comfortable enough to have sex with them; other times it's completely you thinking there's more to it than just a sexual thing and you're wrong or you read their level of interest wrong. I've been tempted to ask this question before, but I've refrained. That's why I haven't had sex with this guy I'm seeing yet, because, frankly, I haven't been able to gauge his interest. If you get the chance, can you read my post in response to the OP and get your perspective as well since your responses have made a lot of sense!

[sveltskye]

Well, to be fair, I was literally mirroring what he said about other girls he had slept with and felt like it was a "hook up". So I was kind of feeling out what he would say when I called him on the fact that he had said that and now was wanting to sleep with me. Honestly, I think he is interested in more and is still going to continue dating me, but what he said definitely made me even more hesitant to sleep with him under such short notice (though I don't think I would have anyways- it was not on the 4th time we'd met that I slept with my other exes, it felt too premature).

 

I would really like a LTR, and I would like one that will last. I would like to get married before I am 30, maybe around 25-27 (I'm 23 now). This is one of the reasons I'm a little scared this time, cause I've always felt potential with the guys I dated and it was hard on me when they broke it off. I'm a serious dater, and I don't know if many guys my age are ready for that. I could see myself wanting to go there with this guy, but not until we've spent more time together and have more shared experiences. I'd like for us to open up to eachother more and have deeper conversations and have more feelings develope so it doesn't feel like a hookup. Actually, I always kind of feel like me sleeping with a guy constitutes the beginning of a relationship with them, along with a verbal discussion and that's why it was disorienting to me to think of sleeping with him when I wasn't sure exactly how much he liked me and what he wanted out of this. I want to make sure that he at least sees the potential of a long term thing with me and is sure of what he wants before I get that involved with him.

 

That said, I didn't mind that he wanted me in a sexual way, but not a "romantic" way, as you described earlier. I liked feeling wanted, but I also want romantic feelings to grow more. If I knew he was going to grow to love me, for a fact, I would sleep with him now. But making out does not have the deep connotations of connection that sex does for me, and therefore I don't care that we did it. If nothing comes out of it, I won't regret that we made out, because I liked him enough. However, I would have regretted sleeping with him and it not having meaning (as in, romantic connection), and so I stopped it because I was uncomfortable. I guess making out is more about fun to me, while sleeping with someone is more sacred an act, again, to me.

 

Does that explain better what I meant?

 

LoveDeluxe: Honestly, I think you should just follow your gut. Does the guy seem like a player? Does he seem like he wants more than sex not just from you, but *in general*, at the moment? I in my gut feel this guy is not a player (and his myspace supports that), and he's just not used to being affectionate and has more of a hands off style verbally (while being very hands on physically ^_^). I think he's never known how to fall for a girl he was with, and doesn't know how to be affectionate except for physically. I basically read all his blogs, some of which were kind of diary like, so I feel like I trust that he's looking for something more meaningful. He also admitted to me that he had had this pattern in the past, which makes me think he wants to change it in the future, and (to me) this seemed supported by his willingness to wait and reinforcing that it was a good idea.

I think its just important that someone wants a relationship in general, not just with you. Just like carhill said.

[carhill]

If you get the chance, can you read my post in response to the OP and get your perspective as well since your responses have made a lot of sense!

 

In your case, you can help me with one aspect...

 

Do you find this man attractive and do you sense within his actions that the feeling is mutual. I know women know, so don't try to confuse me

 

If your answer is yes, then IMO you should become more clear about what you mean by "taking it slow". Use positive cues. I'll give examples (not meant to be advice):

"I love it when you call me. It's so nice hearing your voice"

"I know I like being with you and do want to take things slow; I love it when you hold me; it makes me feel connected to you".

I'm sure you can come up with better ideas, so have at it

 

The important thing with a man is to be clear. In the above, he hears "we're taking it slow; no sex right now. She wants me to be physically affectionate with her and she wants me to call her". There's no ambiguity.

 

Being on the same page, IMO, is when two people who are attracted to each other can communicate their perspectives and each partner can appreciate and respect those often differing POV's and find a middle ground.

 

Another method is giving what you want. If you want physical affection, give that, but set your boundary if he goes too far and it becomes sexual. Be clear, like you already have, saying "I want to take this slow".

 

IMO, don't try to "gauge" his interest. Communicate yours and what you want and merely determine if his response is acceptable and satisfying to you. If he's interested, he will listen and will respond in ways that inspire you to proceed. If he doesn't, back into the drink he goes to swim with the sharks

[sveltskye]

Wow, carhill- we must've posted at the same time!

 

I do find this guy attractive, and I am really, really attracted to his personality above all. I honestly was super excited before I met him and almost had a superficial crush on him when I read his writings online. Then I met him and he was more quiet, but as I got to know him more he made me laugh a lot and I had the same reaction.

 

I have told him that I have enjoyed getting to know him a lot, and that making out with him was fun. So I think I am positively reinforcing well enough. I might ask him to call me, but in a light manner, like: "You can call me you know, if you just want to talk sometime". I get the sense he's not a big phone talker.

 

He definately finds me attractive and told me that out of all the girls that responded to his add I was the most interesting. He also said he had been thinking about kissing me for a while when I said he'd surprised me with his kiss. But then he did stuff like not responding to a message where I asked him a question on myspace in a comment (just a little joking one), and he's not been extremely forthcoming with reinforcement about how he feels about me or where he'd like it to go. On a blog he wrote that I was the girl that he was "kind of seeing" (I think possibly because he's not sure if I think we're "seeing" eachother or not). But then we definately stated that what we went on were dates and that we were dating when we were out.

[LoveDeluxe78]

 

IMO, don't try to "gauge" his interest. Communicate yours and what you want and merely determine if his response is acceptable and satisfying to you. If he's interested, he will listen and will respond in ways that inspire you to proceed. If he doesn't, back into the drink he goes to swim with the sharks

 

Thank you for such a well written post! Yes, I am so attracted to him, our chemistry is great! I think I wanted to hold off on the sex because I do want to see what can develop and I didn't want to sabotage things too early on and also to protect myself emotionally if things didn't work out. In situations where it's clear cut that two people only want sex, then it's a lot easier to figure out. I have been in one situation like that before and it was just that, a physical thing with no emotional investment or anything. It was great for what it was, but I want something more substantive here. Here, I know there's an inkling of me wanting to explore something more with him, hence, I held back.

 

I'm also afraid of "rushing things" as I know I am very impatient and don't want to scare the guy off! I also recently found out he had broken up with his gf of many years not too long ago. They tried the LDR thing, but it didn't work out; they did that for a year until earlier this year.

 

I will definitely take your advice and mention those things. I guess I'm just afraid to communicate my needs on some level because I'm afraid he won't respond and I'd have to confront the fact that he's not interested. I guess it's easier to do in a more passive manner of analyzing his actions, words, etc. to gauge his interest as opposed to just putting my needs out there and seeing if he responds. But you are right, in the big picture, that is the best way to go about it!

 

Thank you again!

[sveltskye]

Oops, sorry LoveDeluxe, I totally answered that question which was directed toward you! I guess I need to read more carefully.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Oops, sorry LoveDeluxe, I totally answered that question which was directed toward you! I guess I need to read more carefully.

 

No No No I'm sorry for hijacking your thread! I just wanted to share a REALLY eerily similar situation I'm going through right now and asked Carhill for advice since his responses have been very insightful!!!!

[sveltskye]

No problem.

Did you catch what I wrote to you as well? I don't know if it'll help, but maybe.

I do think trusting your instincts is a good idea. But if the guy actually likes you, then the bottom line is that he's gonna keep calling you and asking you out. If it fizzles out then obviously he wasn't that enamoured.

I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this! We have to keep eachother posted!

[LoveDeluxe78]

I might ask him to call me, but in a light manner, like: "You can call me you know, if you just want to talk sometime". I get the sense he's not a big phone talker.

 

I might have to try this too!!!! Mine hardly ever called me! I don't get it! I am taking it as he's not interested in getting to know me, but yet he does keep planning dates to hang out with me.

 

 

But then he did stuff like not responding to a message where I asked him a question on myspace in a comment (just a little joking one), and he's not been extremely forthcoming with reinforcement about how he feels about me or where he'd like it to go.

 

This has been exactly my problem as well! I sent him a text and sometimes he doesn't respond back, but they aren't question texts, they are just "comment" ones! Other guys jump at it or they initiate texts or calls just to say hi! I asked him if he wanted to slow things down emotionally, and he said just to let things happen and it'll figure itself out! That's as much as I know as to where I stand!!!

[sveltskye]

I think I might just ask him "You're not a big phone talker, are you?" and just comment on the fact. I figure that's probably the issue and I shouldn't be paranoid. The thing is that our schedules were conflicting a lot, and I only could see him once a week for the last week so I've been thinking about him all week and he hasn't really responded to me besides in email once.

 

So I'm just trying to distance myself emotionally so I don't stress over the lack of attention. Its weird though, huh? You get really paranoid when they don't respond to you. I honestly was wondering if he liked me still, even though I sense that he does!

[LoveDeluxe78]

 

LoveDeluxe: Honestly, I think you should just follow your gut. Does the guy seem like a player? Does he seem like he wants more than sex not just from you, but *in general*, at the moment? I in my gut feel this guy is not a player (and his myspace supports that), and he's just not used to being affectionate and has more of a hands off style verbally (while being very hands on physically ^_^). I think he's never known how to fall for a girl he was with, and doesn't know how to be affectionate except for physically. I basically read all his blogs, some of which were kind of diary like, so I feel like I trust that he's looking for something more meaningful. He also admitted to me that he had had this pattern in the past, which makes me think he wants to change it in the future, and (to me) this seemed supported by his willingness to wait and reinforcing that it was a good idea.

I think its just important that someone wants a relationship in general, not just with you. Just like carhill said.

 

Thank you for the response. No, he doesn't seem like a player at all. He had two serious serious girlfriends his whole dating life and this is the first time he's really "dating", but in some ways, perhaps that contributes to him not wanting anything serious with anyone right now? Perhaps that almost cryptic response he gave me alludes to that fact? He broke up with a gf of several years ago earlier this year although they did a year of a LDR. It's so early on that it's hard to tell. On the other hand, the last guy I dated, wow, he would call and text me all the time, wanted to hang out, and then he just stopped calling me one day! So that's why it's just hard to gauge, but Carhill is right, that may not be the best route. I should just put it out there what it is that I "want" from him and see if he responds.