shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Why does it seem dating gets trickier the older you get? A tale of two women and what to do tonight? Thursday night, I had a very casual date with a girl named Melinda. She lives near me and in fact, our kids are somewhat good friends at school. We met for coffee and had a nice conversation. She is very nice, but quiet. Doesn't seem to have a lot of interests and I carried the conversation for the night. Nonetheless, like I said, she was nice and fairly attractive. After the last nutso I dated, a mellow, no drama chick didn't seem like such a bad idea. At the end of the night, I asked her if she wanted to get together Saturday night. She accepted although it doesn't appear to be any more than dinner and a possible movie. There is another girl named Julie who I have been speaking to online for the last month or so. We have had some wonderful and meaningful conversations and appear to share the same strange humor. My past experiences have taught me that often times you can have this, but once you meet, there really isn't anything there. She lives a little over an hour away from me. I happen to enjoy wine and jazz. One of my favorite wineries has a jazz on the lawn series. This winery happens to be in the same town where Julie lives. She calls me yesterday and invites me down as she noticed they were having the last one of the season this Saturday night. Of course I wanted to go, but I had already asked Melinda out for Saturday night. Also, in my mind, I figured once I did meet Julie, nothing would probably happen so I should just forget about it. I told Julie I already had plans and she was fine. Somewhere during the call, I decided I should go see her and get this over with. Neither one of us was doing anything last night, so I decided to drive down and see her for dinner. Honestly, it was one of the best first dates I have ever had. Immediate chemistry. We talked and laughed for hours. Our night consisted of basically walking along a river and watching a band and having a late dinner. It was one of those rare occassions where it is obvious both parties are feeling the same thing. It was hard saying goodnight and we flipped a few texts and calls while I drove home last night. Of course the dilemma...I have tentative plans for tonight with Melinda. It will be a dinner and possible movie. I will do most of the talking and I know this isn't going to go anywhere. Our teenagers have already been talking and she does appear to be a very sincere and nice person, so the last thing I want to do is screw her over. But, I have never been to this event, and I am obviously feeling it big time for Julie. So do I sit through a boring movie and pretend to enjoy myself or do I go to an event I have always wanted to with someone I definitely have interest in seeing what could develop?
JoeNewbie Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I say play both until you have a firm catch. That's not being a jerk, that's being a smart reasonable adult. You simply cannot make any kind of decisions after one date. Good luck and have fun.
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 I say play both until you have a firm catch. That's not being a jerk, that's being a smart reasonable adult. You simply cannot make any kind of decisions after one date. Good luck and have fun. Joe, I totally agree with you on this and that is the plan. The problem is the jazz at the winery tonight. I have always wanted to go to this. Now I have the opportunity to go with a girl I had an awesome first date with. However, to go, I would have to bail on the mundane plans I had already made.
Walk Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I think curteousy dictates you go on the date with Melinda like you promised. However, at that point you're also leading her on in an untruthful manner. Which isn't fair to her either. Or to you. I think it'd be better to tell her that although you find her attractive and a wonderful person, that you don't feel this will progress past friendship... while honoring the plans you made with her. I've gone out with guys I didn't have that spark with and continued dating them for a while, but all it did was confuse and hurt the person. It wasn't fair to them. I should've cut them loose as soon as I realized that I really wasn't all that enthused about them. Not that they were bad people, it just wasn't right for me. p.s. that doesn't mean you can't cancell teh date with her... just that I think you need to be honest about not wanting to continue dating her.
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 My opinion. You keep the date with Melinda and make a new date with the other girl. Standing someone up is not a nice thing to do but of course you know that.
carhill Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Compatibility for dating and compatibility for a LTR can be two very different things. Women mask, in both directions (men do too). Only way to know for sure is to invest substantial time and get to know them. My expectation is that everything is not always as it seems.
JoeNewbie Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I think curteousy dictates you go on the date with Melinda like you promised. However, at that point you're also leading her on in an untruthful manner. Which isn't fair to her either. Or to you. I don't think the OP can decide on just one date. Sometimes things take a bit longer to develop and as long as he doesn't say he loves her or anything, I don't see anything wrong with another casual date.
JoeNewbie Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Joe, I totally agree with you on this and that is the plan. The problem is the jazz at the winery tonight. I have always wanted to go to this. Now I have the opportunity to go with a girl I had an awesome first date with. However, to go, I would have to bail on the mundane plans I had already made. Forget the winery for now and find another similar activity for your date. Don't burn bridges with Melinda just yet and go to that date. You never know what might happen.
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Sometimes things take a bit longer to develop and as long as he doesn't say he loves her or anything, I don't see anything wrong with another casual date. Yes, he isn't committed to anyone. As long as it's understood that all parties are free to date others, it's fine. That said, however, I am not into the multiple dating thing at all. For me it's one person at a time. If I meet someone I like and he returns that feeling, I concentrate on building up a relationship with him. Seeing someone else would distract me from putting all my effort into bonding with this new person in my life. I know multiple dating is all the rage in the States but I find it rather distracting,confusing, tiring and meaningless.
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 I think curteousy dictates you go on the date with Melinda like you promised. However, at that point you're also leading her on in an untruthful manner. Which isn't fair to her either. Or to you. I think it'd be better to tell her that although you find her attractive and a wonderful person, that you don't feel this will progress past friendship... while honoring the plans you made with her. I've gone out with guys I didn't have that spark with and continued dating them for a while, but all it did was confuse and hurt the person. It wasn't fair to them. I should've cut them loose as soon as I realized that I really wasn't all that enthused about them. Not that they were bad people, it just wasn't right for me. p.s. that doesn't mean you can't cancell teh date with her... just that I think you need to be honest about not wanting to continue dating her. Very true. The thing with Melinda is there was not even as much as a hug with her. It is very possible that she didn't feel anything as well and is going through the motions for the same reasons I am. The kids yaking, didn't want to say no on the spot. Other than being nice, she showed no interest in me. So in all honesty, I don't feel like I am leading her on at this point. I am not the type of guy that will try to take this to another level unless that is what I want as well. In other words, I keep this date tonight and there won't be any more contact than the first one. My opinion. You keep the date with Melinda and make a new date with the other girl. Standing someone up is not a nice thing to do but of course you know that. Yes Marlena, I know that...lol. We did make sort of plans for later in the week and I am not worried about missing this affecting anything down the road with Julie. It's just an event I would absolutely love to go to..throw in great company and that just makes it even more desirable.
JoeNewbie Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Yes, he isn't committed to anyone. As long as it's understood that all parties are free to date others, it's fine. That said, however, I am not into the multiple dating thing at all. For me it's one person at a time. If I meet someone I like and he returns that feeling, I concentrate on building up a relationship with him. Seeing someone else would distract me from putting all my effort into bonding with this new person in my life. I know multiple dating is all the rage in the States but I find it rather distracting,confusing, tiring and meaningless. As far as I can tell, the OP is not "dating" anyone right now. He merely had a first interaction with them. And I don't think he should mention that they are free to date others - it should be clearly understood that after one dinner, people don't owe each other anything. I think things are still very cool and he should feel free to see whoever he wants without worrying too much.
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 It's just an event I would absolutely love to go to..throw in great company and that just makes it even more desirable. Oh, well, things like this do happen. Bad timing,obviously. Consider yourself luky to have two women in your life right now so plenty of good times ahead, I'd say. You can sacrifice this one little event, no?
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 And I don't think he should mention that they are free to date others - it should be clearly understood that after one dinner, people don't owe each other anything. Absolutely. It's just a dinner with good company. No more no less than that.
almost famous Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 The winery event isn't going to make or break you - and if you're serious with this other woman by then, it will be even more romantic next summer. I agree with Joe Newbie. This other woman has left Saturday open and to cancel on her now with some lame excuse is just showing low character. You yourself stated "should I be a prick?" so you already know not honoring the plans with the first lady isn't of good character. Also take it easy. You just saw her last night. See if she sits back and lets you make the next move. She sounds awfully aggressive.
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Yes, he isn't committed to anyone. As long as it's understood that all parties are free to date others, it's fine. That said, however, I am not into the multiple dating thing at all. For me it's one person at a time. If I meet someone I like and he returns that feeling, I concentrate on building up a relationship with him. Seeing someone else would distract me from putting all my effort into bonding with this new person in my life. I know multiple dating is all the rage in the States but I find it rather distracting,confusing, tiring and meaningless. I don't have a problem with multiple dating as long as I am not feeling anything and we aren't being physical. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I won't have sex with someone until we are both mutually exclusive. So very casual, multiple dating is fine, but I know mutual chemistry is kind of rare for me, so once that happens, I tend to focus entirely on that person.
carhill Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 OP, go with that and enjoy yourself As a good friend of mine says, the physical part is easy, and a women can easily show sexual interest without feeling it, as a way of getting other things she wants. As I said, everything isn't always as it seems. Look for the less obvious
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 The winery event isn't going to make or break you - and if you're serious with this other woman by then, it will be even more romantic next summer. I agree with Joe Newbie. This other woman has left Saturday open and to cancel on her now with some lame excuse is just showing low character. You yourself stated "should I be a prick?" so you already know not honoring the plans with the first lady isn't of good character. Also take it easy. You just saw her last night. See if she sits back and lets you make the next move. She sounds awfully aggressive. No, it isn't going to make or break me, I just know where my mind will be tonight. Yes, I know it would be low and I needed some reinforcements for what I already know. Julie isn't really being agressive. The only reason I saw her last night was because I told her I already had plans for tonight. So its not a case of see me again the next night syndrome. As far as she knows, I am not entertaining any thoughts of going to see her tonight.
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Maybe I am old fashioned, but I won't have sex with someone until we are both mutually exclusive. Can't you have sex first and then become exclusive? Does it really matter?
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 OP, go with that and enjoy yourself As a good friend of mine says, the physical part is easy, and a women can easily show sexual interest without feeling it, as a way of getting other things she wants. As I said, everything isn't always as it seems. Look for the less obvious Can't you have sex first and then become exclusive? Does it really matter? Marlena, For me, part of it is what Carhill is saying above. The other part, is frankly I am not crazy about having sex with someone who may be having it with others around the same time.
marlena Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 The other part, is frankly I am not crazy about having sex with someone who may be having it with others around the same time. I have a feeling that you would not even consider getting serious with someone who is sleeping around. I could be wrong, though.
almost famous Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 No, it isn't going to make or break me, I just know where my mind will be tonight. Yes, I know it would be low and I needed some reinforcements for what I already know. Julie isn't really being agressive. The only reason I saw her last night was because I told her I already had plans for tonight. So its not a case of see me again the next night syndrome. As far as she knows, I am not entertaining any thoughts of going to see her tonight. Asking a guy out right away is pretty aggressive.... anyway you already have your mind made up to be a prick, so go with that.
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Asking a guy out right away is pretty aggressive.... anyway you already have your mind made up to be a prick, so go with that. Ok, let me restate this...... In the OP, I mention that I have been talking with Julie for about a month. Yes, a month. She invited me to the winery event on Saturday. I declined as I had already made plans and offered to meet her last night instead. So I fail to see where this qualifies as asking out right away. And where did I say I had made my mind up to be a prick? I SAID, yes, I knew it would be low and just needed reinforcements. I MEANT reinforcements to do the RIGHT THING. Geez....I am doing the original plan unless Melinda blows me off.
Author shockandawed Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 I have a feeling that you would not even consider getting serious with someone who is sleeping around. I could be wrong, though. I think that would have to be defined greater. If a girl was actively sleeping around with multiple partners, yes, I would probably not be attracted to her.
shadowplay Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 First impressions are sometimes misleading. I wouldn't write Melinda off after one date. Nor would I invest in Julie at this point. I'll use my experience as an example. My first date with my current bf was pretty miserable. He carried the whole conversation because I'm very shy with people I don't know well. He thought I was uninterested and that we didn't have any chemistry. But I liked him and knew that if he gave me a chance to relax we'd click. After a few dates we did click in a big way and our connection grew stronger the more time we spent together. His ex girlfriend and he had an amazing first date, but their relationship fizzled out after a few months. I know shy people are sometimes dismissed as boring or uninteresting when in fact they're often very cool beneath the surface if people just take the time to get to know them. Just something to consider. I also don't think it's right for you to blow Melinda off so you can go on this date with another girl. Go on the date and don't assume it's going to be miserable or you won't enjoy yourself.
almost famous Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Why so defensive? You were soliciting opinions on what you should do and when you don't like them, then you blast the poster. Look, if it's meant to be with "Julie" and you two are truly compatible, then not going to the winery event tonight isn't going to make or break the relationship. Honoring your plans with "Melinda" won't make or break your relationship with "Julie" either, and it will be demonstrating character. But if you don't care about having character, then do whatever you want.
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