It feels like I'm going nowhere in college

[Serph]

On the market again... I'm partaking in as many social activities as possible and conversing with many classmates, and random people that I meet in order to create an entertaining atmosphere for myself and hopefully meet a girl I could get a thing going with. But, I've yet to witness even one IOI. I've not had a girl ask personal questions about myself, initiate conversation spontaneously, or smile particularly when I'm around her. I'm well groomed, I don't act like a meek or a complacent nice guy, I joke plentifully without seeming intimidated, I say what I think frankly and I look at people in the eyes. Yet it just feels like I'm stagnating.

 

Also it feels like every single girl already has a boyfriend, if I'm witness to a girl's conversations for long enough she'll inevitably bring him up.

 

There's maybe one girl that I thought of asking out but I don't know her last name or where she's studying, she goes twice a week to a club where I also go, but she's always surrounded by other people so I don't really have an occasion to talk to her one on one.

[Ronni_W]

I don't act like a meek or a complacent nice guy, I joke plentifully without seeming intimidated, I say what I think frankly and I look at people in the eyes.

Do you have friends, siblings or cousins from whom you could learn how you come across to others? Ask them to be honest AND kind ... and promise that you will not get all defensive and out-of-sorts (and then make sure that you don't.)

 

Types of things to consider and get input on:

 

How well do you listen to others and respond to what they are saying and where they are? (Is there a tendency to turn the conversation back on yourself, or to make an untimely joke about what others say, or to just mock/over-ride it with your own frank opinions?)

 

There's a difference between frank, honest and positive communication, and coming across as a know-it-all, arrogant type...are you striking the right balance?

Does the look in your eyes convey kindness, empathy, understanding, or condescension, ridicule, judgment?

What type of humour do you use? - inclusive and funny, or does it come at the expense of another person or group?

Can the way that you act be misconstrued as aggressive instead of assertive? -- You are not intimated, but is there a possibility that you are coming across as intimidating?

 

Hopefully you do have friends who will recognize what you're struggling to find out about yourself, and will be able and willing to assist. Best of luck.

[Serph]

Err no, I don't cross the line over to agressive, self-centered and self-serving, although I inject some of myself in the conversations of others. Everyone seems to like me, they frequently relate to what I say. I try to keep a good balance between the two extremes. I always stay courteous.

[westrock]

I've not had a girl ask personal questions about myself, initiate conversation spontaneously, or smile particularly when I'm around her.

 

Are you doing these things yourself? When you are around these women, are you asking them questions about themselves and smiling back at them too?

 

This may sound obvious but if you want people to be interested in you, make sure you are genuinely interested in them and show it.

[Green]

There's maybe one girl that I thought of asking out but I don't know her last name or where she's studying, she goes twice a week to a club where I also go, but she's always surrounded by other people so I don't really have an occasion to talk to her one on one.

 

First off your in college there should litteraly be infinite girls that you arr thinking about asking out not just one... Secondly she's always surounded by other people is just a lame excuse.

[ianandris]

First off your in college there should litteraly be infinite girls that you arr thinking about asking out not just one... Secondly she's always surounded by other people is just a lame excuse.

 

Agreed on the first part, I'm not with you on the second part. I'm the same way, actually. I don't do so well with the small group dynamic, but I'm great one on one. Approaching a gaggle of girls is like walking into a freaking meat grinder. It exponentially increases your chance of rejection if you have even a small degree of social anxiety. They feed off each others reactions. On the flipside, if you win the group, the girl will crush fast. So, unless you're a charmer, are an extremely entertaining and fluid conversationalist, you're much better off approaching girls one on one.

[Green]

Agreed on the first part, I'm not with you on the second part. I'm the same way, actually. I don't do so well with the small group dynamic, but I'm great one on one. Approaching a gaggle of girls is like walking into a freaking meat grinder. It exponentially increases your chance of rejection if you have even a small degree of social anxiety. They feed off each others reactions. On the flipside, if you win the group, the girl will crush fast. So, unless you're a charmer, are an extremely entertaining and fluid conversationalist, you're much better off approaching girls one on one.

 

Well I read his post again and with the entire College theme I just assumed it was a school club as in enviromental society or frisby club or whatever... but if its a night club then yes I can see how groups can be intimidating but I find personaly I have my best sucess in groups... But yes a group can be harsh sometimes but you just need to go over and try to seperate her... If it is in fact a school club the your point is moot... and even at dance clubs you rarely find a girl alone

[Serph]

Are you doing these things yourself? When you are around these women, are you asking them questions about themselves and smiling back at them too?

 

This may sound obvious but if you want people to be interested in you, make sure you are genuinely interested in them and show it.

 

Of course. But, they reply to me in a friendly fashion.

[Serph]

First off your in college there should litteraly be infinite girls that you arr thinking about asking out not just one... Secondly she's always surounded by other people is just a lame excuse.

 

But there's a finite bank of girls that I know in a smaller social circle such as that of the club, with most of them having explicitly mentionned their boyfriends. And the social proof helps, instead of hitting on complete strangers. I like when we already have things in common.

 

I want to ask her out and I'm not afraid of doing so, but she's only in the (college) club on two evenings per week and she's surrounded by other people. Then she goes back to the bus with people from the club. I don't really have any occasion to ask her out since there's always 2-3 other people right next to her. My only mean would be to wait in a corridor and bump into her before she arrives, but that's pretty erratic.

[monkey00]

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. If you think dating in college is hard..you should try it after college!

 

I say enjoy your time there, keep your GPA up and don't put dating on such a high priority. Happiness comes when you're not looking for it.

[Serph]

I've spent too much of my life sitting idly. As you've said, dating gets significantly harder after college, so I want to make the best of the time I spend here. If it's something I want, why should I repress it? Why should the want be associated with shame? The only important thing it not let the desire completely rule over you, which I don't. And not to forget to primarily go out to have fun and meet new people, even if you have somewhat of an ulterior motive at times. But no one ever behaves in a completely uninterested way in life. I enjoy my social time and college experience a lot, it's not as if it all depressed me. It's not as if I put mad pressure upon myself, only I aim to get better while still keeping it fun.

 

I've seen so many examples of guys who waited and waited for a good opportunity to come their way while they focused on their grades and their careers and before they realized it, they were in their forties and no one ever manifested itself. I don't want to commit the same error. Nothing wrong with a bit of proactivity. Sitting idly only works if you're female.

[Green]

But there's a finite bank of girls that I know in a smaller social circle such as that of the club, with most of them having explicitly mentionned their boyfriends. And the social proof helps, instead of hitting on complete strangers. I like when we already have things in common.

 

I want to ask her out and I'm not afraid of doing so, but she's only in the (college) club on two evenings per week and she's surrounded by other people. Then she goes back to the bus with people from the club. I don't really have any occasion to ask her out since there's always 2-3 other people right next to her. My only mean would be to wait in a corridor and bump into her before she arrives, but that's pretty erratic.

 

Look I'm no ordinary man I can overcome most social fears. First off most people have ****ty memories, so even if you make a fool out of yourself they forget or are to pussy to bring it up even if they remember... and heck you'll forget and thats all that counts. Don't worry about seeming eratic, heck go up to her infront of her friends and tell her theres something you want to tell her so you can seperate her if your to nervous to talk infront of her friends. Forget all that pua stuff you've been reading its mostly just entertainment... the real power is having the confidence to be yourself and go for the things you want in life which includes the women you want, and having the courage to say the things you want to her and give it a good try.

 

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. If you think dating in college is hard..you should try it after college!

 

I say enjoy your time there, keep your GPA up and don't put dating on such a high priority. Happiness comes when you're not looking for it.

 

He is definetly putting to much pressure on himself, even in do or die situations its best to stay calm, he needs to figure some way to stay cool and calm his mind. But its kind of a mixed msg to add the part about how hard it is to date after college... I mean are you trying to make him feel the ticking clock that is his time left in college. While I agree most college atmospheres are great for getting laid and hooking up with beutiful young girls... There will be advantages after college, I mean you make more money your wiser and your still pretty young for quite a few more years... you just have to work a little harder to meet the women. He should focus on his goals in life other then women but for me and I can only asume lots of men women and sex are a big part of what they want out of life he just needs to start doing and stop thinking and stressing so much.

[Serph]

Why is it that when retorting in threads, the posters always try so hard to twist the OP's words and paint him as stressed or insecure?

[CommitmentPhobe]

You know what maybe if you went out to have a blast and stopped being such a bore that spends time thinking about being single in their forties some girl will smile at you and take you home with her. You have a negative attitude - it's not attractive.

[Krajt]

I was like this. I wanted a girlfriend, that I'd get upset when a girl I pursued wasn't interested, messed me around or had a boyfriend. It wasn't until I became comfortable and relaxed being single, that I omitted positive signals and body language and then suddenly I attracted the girl I fancied for months, because she became single after dumping her boyfriend and I wasn't worried about getting with her that I was myself around her and things worked out for me. Not too sure, if I have explained that as well as I could have done, but I hope it helps.

 

Less thinking, more optimism and less expecting should work wonders.

[ianandris]

Why is it that when retorting in threads, the posters always try so hard to twist the OP's words and paint him as stressed or insecure?

 

Projection

[Mahatma]

Someone mentioned it, but your negative attitude will be your downfall every time. I firmly believe one of my best characteristics that help me get women is being an optimistic and generally positive person.

 

Saying that you are "going nowhere in college" is enough to consider you as negative.

 

Stop worrying so much about getting a girlfriend, and just go out and have fun. Decide what type of people you like (girls and guys) and hang out with that type of group. For me, I do not enjoy getting drunk all the time, so I do not go to parties looking for girls. If you want sex, go to a party. If you want a relationship, join a group or club you are interested in.

 

Life is not all about getting into relationships or gettin' some, especially not college.

[Green]

So the entire weekend went by end I'm not even in college anymore and I got a college girls number after dancing the night away with her at a club... so were you out there having a good time and being confident like we told you... do you have any stories of atleast failed attempts... because while I got that one girls number this weekend and she wants to do more things with me there are plenty of girls I struck out with before and after I met her.

[Serph]

You guys are ****ing annoying with your constant word twisting. Just because I make a topic where without being any desperate I say I would've hoped to have a bit more success and where I think it's unwise to sit idly, I'm negative when I go out?

 

No one here sees me when I'm with others. I'm just a bit disappointed sometimes when I come back alone and no one did the first steps to get to me and then I think of my future but that's all, and it's quickly forgotten. I actually have a lot of fun when I go out and meet people and I laugh a lot and make others laugh too. I guess what I need to do is develop a more efficient method to escalate.

 

I was out yesterday but I didn't get a chance to talk a lot, I wasn't part of their clique yet... on monday tomorrow I have something else too.

[Green]

Dude calm down I'm not a mind reader all I have to go on is what you write don't let the posts effect you so much just trying help feel free to use your own judgment and figure out what aplies to you

[Serph]

I dunno, I would like the benefit of doubt for the space of a thread to allow me to explore some new possibilities, because being told that it's because of negativity isn't true and isn't getting me anywhere. Isn't it very possible to be positive, nonchalant and not overly goal-oriented, and still not getting others swaying over you?

[Vertex]

As a fellow college student, maybe this will help, maybe not:

 

I've had more success with women lately, and all I've done is the following:

 

-Always look girls in the eyes when you speak to them. Smile often! Keep your body facing them -- it projects confidence. Joke often!

 

-Facebook is not a bad tool for figuring out if someone's single or not. If they don't have it listed, a quick glance through their pictures might shed some light.

 

-I'm a senior right now, so I've had similar thoughts of sitting idly versus being proactive. I'm in the same boat with you here. Dating DOES get harder after college, but try not to let it scare you. Sitting idly will not work, but the reason why people say happiness comes when you aren't trying is because it gives you time to focus on self-improvement. If you're doing well in school, actively-involved, and have your life together, you will appear more desirable and confident. If you're always on the prowl, you may appear desperate or not as stable as you otherwise could be.

 

-If a girl you like is being constantly surrounded, then go join in and be one of those guys who surround her! Waiting for an opening is an example of sittling idly. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself here. Go talk to her with the intention of simply having a good time talking -- don't think about asking her out yet. That will come more naturally later when you're more comfortable simply being able to interact first.

 

-College has such a large sample size here with astonishing variety. If you're consistently having bad luck, then it's very likely you're turning people off somehow. Being objective is the quickest way to improve yourself. What do you look like? How do your conversations typically go?

 

Not sure what else to say here... just blast music that pumps you up, keep your doors open, actively participate, be cordial, and eventually someone will begin to show some interest. Sometimes people become more interested in you after you yourself have shown interest in them. It's true.

 

Remember high school? How many of those guys are you actively keeping in touch with? How often do embarrassing high school occurrences get brought up? Probably not often at all, to both counts. Same applies to college. Even if you get rejected, who cares? After college, if you don't want to see them ever again, you won't have to.

 

Get out there and have fun. There's no reason not to -- the upside risks FAR outweigh the downside ones. The first few times are really difficult, but once it becomes second nature, you'll realize that the most successful have also been shot down quite a few times. It's a very self-selected group, but if you can keep all this in mind you'll understand why it makes sense, and it'll help you change for the better.

 

Hope this helps