What's happened?

[andrewbriggs]

This year, I’ve been dating a woman at work. We’ve known each other for about three years, but she was engaged to her long term partner, and then married.

 

He’d actually cheated on her several times during the relationship, and after they were married she found solid evidence that he was still doing it, and so told him to pack his bags.

 

I always knew, even before she was married, that she had feelings for me, although nothing (not even a kiss) happened between us.

 

Anyway – almost immediately after the split…she tried to strike up something with me – I resisted at first, but eventually we ended up in a relationship. We’ve always had a connection, and it it’s been fabulous

 

 

In August, she finished it, saying she couldn’t deal with the divorce, the new job she’s got, and a relationship as well….and thought that maybe things had moved a bit fast – she also said she wasn’t used to being with a man who could be so open with his feelings.

 

 

 

After we discussed this – I accepted it….but we remained in daily contact by email, text and phone (sometimes several times a day)..may times initiated by her

 

 

Over the two weeks since we split – the conversations and contact have become more frequent and warmer…..really nice, although we never talked about the relationship, or getting back together or anything like that.Then on Thursday night this week – we went out to a company party – it’s the first time we’d seen each other in two weeks, and the feelings were obviously still there….we ended up having sex in my hotel room at the end of the night…but afterwards she said she needed to go back to her own hotel room – and I asked her to stay with me….but she said it was “too soon

 

Saw her next morning checking out of the hotel – our conversation was fine – but neither of us made reference to the night before. She called me later that morning…again about nothing really, but very pleasant……then I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the day. I sent her a couple of texts but she didn’t reply (and these texts were about nothing in particular, I didn’t even refer to the night before, or ask if we can now get back together or anything like that)

 

This only happened a day ago…but I’m struggling to understand what she’s thinking. We have the last couple of weeks of really getting closer on the phone again (as friends)….now this has happened and the day after she’s keeping me at arms length again….why?

 

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[Konfuzion]

I might be totally wrong on this one but it sounds like she is stringing you along, making sure your still there if she needs you. I would recommend NC and if you still have feelings for her then.

 

This post here lists some things from McDonald's Stop Your Divorce book (I know you aren't getting divorced, but same thing applies) The agreeing part is pretty good advice to avoid arguments and tension. I don't recommend fully agreeing with the breakup because they can turn that back on you, instead you can say you are understanding of their decision. Everything else this advice can help work in your favor.

 

So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.

 

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.

 

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

 

This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

 

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

 

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

 

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

 

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

 

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

 

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”

“Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

[andrewbriggs]

Thanks for your post

 

I absoloutely get the not pressurising etc......and it seemed to work, over the last two weeks, everytime we've been in contact, it's been light and fun. No mention of the relationship.and although we've not physically seen each other, it started to feel really good

 

Even when we saw each other at the beginning of Thursday evening - we both got the the hotel early, sat in her room, ordered room serice for food and each had a glass of wine. Again we didn't talk about the relationsgip, but all the flirting came back and I could tell all the feelings were still there. She was the first to say..."god it's good to see you"

 

So after all this, a nice night, and we made love at the end of it, and she told me she'd missed me

 

It's the distance throughout yesterday (the day after) that I'm struggling with, after we'd spent two weeks getting closer

 

Do you think she's freaked herself out?

[Konfuzion]

I think just like I said she is keeping you at a distance and making sure your still there if she needs you. You should implore the above tactics and keep it friends (means dont have sex) I purchased this book and maybe you should if its important to you. (Hope its ok to link this) Stop Your Divorce!

[andrewbriggs]

Thanks - all good advice - I've been pretty good at being positive and friendly , and it was getting results.....I wasn't pressurising and she was moving back towards me

 

I suppose the fact we've now had sex has made her pull away again...which is very painful...think I'll try a couple of days of NC, and then drop her a friendly email or text on monday

 

Do you think's it's weird that hasn't refered to the fact we had sex the other night?....not even to say, "sorry it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened"

[Ronni_W]

Do you think's it's weird that hasn't refered to the fact we had sex the other night?....not even to say, "sorry it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened"

It may be that she thinks you understand what's going on.

The thing about rebound relationships is that they get used as a band-aid. If the 'ouch' starts hurting again, we just stick another band-aid on it. (Get emotionally closer, have sex, whatever it feels that we need in the moment.) It could be a conscious or unconscious (maladaptive) way of trying to cope with our difficult emotions and stressful situations.

 

And we will use our band-aid solution until the person who is acting like the band-aid puts a stop to it.

You may want to consider going NC and staying NC. And/or, starting your own conversation about how you don't want to be, and won't allow yourself to be, just a place/object for her to simply relieve her mental, emotional and physical stress and tension.