complication Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Long story short. Ex and I together for a year. Two weeks before school started, (so when I was not there), she "lost feelings". A few days I tried to fight to work it out, she couldn't do it. I said, "we can be friendly, but not talk that often", and that I wasn't going to throw a year away. 3 weeks go by, she became overly friendly and texted me. I told her I didn't want to be friends, we go out for ice cream, and later that night I said good night to her and we agreed on "friends with benefits" We tried it the next day, I couldn't do it. We are talking, and she knew I was on a few dates and made out with 2 chicks during the breakup (one being the night of). She asks to see who it was I went on a date with, she admits to being somewhat jealous but she said she tries to block it out. I ask her who she's been on a date with, and then I dug out of her that she slept with him the week after we broke up - she admits it was a meaningless rebound. We both agreed to stop talking about it. We had sex. That night I was in her room and I fought for another go. She couldn't say yes, she couldn't say no. She ultimately said that she couldn't do it regardless if I said I'd walk out on her because she doesn't have the same feelings. Next day, I went to her. We cried our eyes out after I said I couldn't deal with this and would do no contact indefinitely. She said that "I don't know what I want, but I know you're more than what I want". We cried a bit more, then left. Interestingly, her parents were always telling her that she should experience college, not settle down, and there are a million other guys. She told me that she wants to experience college, see what else is out there, and she does NOT want a relationship right now. She said she has not been single in 4.5 years, and she (imo) wants to do the single thing instead of being in a relationship. It had nothing to do with me, it was her, and she said I'm extremely attractive, can make her laugh like nobody else, killer personality. She did not want to settle down because her parents were ragging on her all summer about me and I think it unconsciously got to her as a single child. Nobody saw this coming, we were in love, had the sickest times ever. We both CRIED our eyes out during our last-pre NC convo. So here's my question - knowing that I know we're perfect for each other, and that we ended on good terms, but unofficial no-contact was broken the 1st time, now we're doing it again. She's been doing her own thing, and me, too. To get her back with me, do I do this no contact or do I maintain a relatively spacial friendship with her (just to update her on meeting new people, what I've been doing, etc)?
bubblegum Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 So you went NC for 3 weeks and then she contacted you? How long have you been NC now, since you last saw her? Has she tried to contact you?
Author complication Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 So you went NC for 3 weeks and then she contacted you? How long have you been NC now, since you last saw her? Has she tried to contact you? Oh, well, she and I have seen each other in passing but she said that she contacted me because she thought we could be friends. She admitted that over the 3 weeks she would miss my company a lot, but not necessarily with feelings. It has been 2 days. We saw each other in passing yesterday and we just smiled and waved. That's it. During our 3 weeks apart she knew I made out with 2 chicks, and I think in retribution / jealousy she slept with that kid and went on a few dates with him, but admits she has NO feelings for ihm and thinks he's a tool. Then again, I don't know if she's lying, but I have no reason to suspect it as she's told me everything else. She's been in contact with one kid, but imo he's either really really uninterested or he's playing her off. She's pretty friendly with one fraternity because one kid (who she doesn't like, admittedly) keeps contacting her and she's disgusted by him. She goes to their functions every so often, but that's it. She lost the spark out of the blue to experience the college life, whether she knows it or not. She admitted to missing me over the past 3 weeks, but without feelings, and she tried to kiss me and she said she didn't feel it. But, during our breakup, while she couldn't kiss me goodbye (expected), she was crying her eyes out with me.
BCCA Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Oh, well, she and I have seen each other in passing but she said that she contacted me because she thought we could be friends. She admitted that over the 3 weeks she would miss my company a lot, but not necessarily with feelings. You need to be very clear and hold your ground. You told her you didnt want to be friends, but then conceeded on the FWB. You dont want that, trust me. I'm not saying you should tell her to F off from now on, but actions speak louder than words. If you tell her you dont want to be her freind, and then go along with it, shes not going to listen to what you say and shes going to feel she can manipulate you to do as she wants. She may not even realize she's doing it, but when people figure out the buttons to push to get what the want, they keep pushing them until it stops working. She said she missed you, but not neccesarily with any feelings. That means she was lonely, but not longing for you personally. What you really have to watch here is being strung along with no commitment or assurances from her, and then one day she meets some one else and you are left in the cold. Right now, shes kind of having her cake and eating it too. This isnt what you want, it has to be that youre together or youre not. It doesnt have to happen tomorrow, but you CANT be there for her right now because its helping HER heal, while keeping you down.
Author complication Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 You need to be very clear and hold your ground. You told her you didnt want to be friends, but then conceeded on the FWB. You dont want that, trust me. I'm not saying you should tell her to F off from now on, but actions speak louder than words. If you tell her you dont want to be her freind, and then go along with it, shes not going to listen to what you say and shes going to feel she can manipulate you to do as she wants. She may not even realize she's doing it, but when people figure out the buttons to push to get what the want, they keep pushing them until it stops working. She said she missed you, but not neccesarily with any feelings. That means she was lonely, but not longing for you personally. What you really have to watch here is being strung along with no commitment or assurances from her, and then one day she meets some one else and you are left in the cold. Right now, shes kind of having her cake and eating it too. This isnt what you want, it has to be that youre together or youre not. It doesnt have to happen tomorrow, but you CANT be there for her right now because its helping HER heal, while keeping you down. We are not going to be friends with benefits. We tried it once, I couldn't do it, she said she couldn't either. In fact, she originally advocated against it, then I brought it up when started to talk again a little and she said, "we'll try it." She agreed it would complicate things a lot, especially if one of us found someone else.
bubblegum Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Good, I'm glad you realize you can't be FWB, it would make it so much harder. I agree with BCCA, if you're there for her now, it will help her heal but won't help you heal. (Heal meaning move forward, not necessarily be done forever with the relationship.)
Author complication Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Good, I'm glad you realize you can't be FWB, it would make it so much harder. I agree with BCCA, if you're there for her now, it will help her heal but won't help you heal. (Heal meaning move forward, not necessarily be done forever with the relationship.) That's the thing. She "lost the spark", but I feel like I can easily get it back. That's the only reason it ended, among her looking for a little bit different things. I'll go no contact and no appearance for a month,
EmperorR Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 If it's meant to be it will be, right now don't be used you will only end up hurting yourself more, NC NC NC
bubblegum Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 That's the thing. She "lost the spark", but I feel like I can easily get it back. That's the only reason it ended, among her looking for a little bit different things. I'll go no contact and no appearance for a month, Well, who knows why she lost the spark. Could be depressed, could be because she doesn't feel about you like she used to, and was just lonely like BCCA said. Who knows? But you're right, going NC would be good for both of you, give yourselves time to sort things out. I mean you tried talking, hanging out and even FWB, that didn't work, so now time has to work it's magic.
Author complication Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Well, who knows why she lost the spark. Could be depressed, could be because she doesn't feel about you like she used to, and was just lonely like BCCA said. Who knows? But you're right, going NC would be good for both of you, give yourselves time to sort things out. I mean you tried talking, hanging out and even FWB, that didn't work, so now time has to work it's magic. What are teh odds, in your eyes, of even working this out?
BCCA Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 What are teh odds, in your eyes, of even working this out? I can count on 2 fingers the people I know who met in college and got married. The both also started dating in senoir year. College is like THE excuse to put relationships aside and just get out there and have fun. Seriously, 90% of the women I slept with were during my college years. Its all about learning what you like/want and what you think the opposite sex likes/wants. With that said, I think you should really just focus on moving on. If this is meant to be, it will happen, but I would wager it wouldn't be until at least junior year. As far as her parents are concerned, both my parents hate my ex and do not want me to get back together with her, but I would still be willing to entertain the idea. Point being, I've never known anyone to be THAT persuaded by their parents views. I'm sure my parents never wanted me to smoke, drink, and do drugs, but I did.
bubblegum Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 What are teh odds, in your eyes, of even working this out? That's too difficult to predict. Is it hopeful that she cried so much the last you saw her and that she missed something about being with you (whether just lonely or actually missed YOU)? Well it's more hopeful than if she were indifferent and not interested at all in hanging out. However, she is obviously incredibly confused, and who knows where that will lead her? Her parent's influence is a contributing factor. Who knows how long they'll put the pressure on her to go out and be free during college. And how will you feel about things 4 months from now, or 6 months from now if you remain broken up? As it stands, you both do need time apart. You know what you want, she doesn't. Therefore, you need time apart. I know that's not a satisfactory answer to your question, I wish I, or anyone, could give you one.
Intergalactic Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 honestly, the amount she wants to see you, the amount she cries, the amount of times she says she misses you - all those things are NOT indicative of her wanting to be with you again, or there being a "chance" for you two. you need to listen to what she IS saying, and that's that her feelings for you have changed, that she wants to be friends. if she liked you enough, she would want to be in a relationship with you. it's a harsh truth to hear and hard to accept but you need to. my ex boyfriend also cried, possibly more than i did. my ex boyfriend also couldn't keep away from me. my ex boyfriend also wanted to keep hugging me and being with me and kept making time for me. my ex boyfriend also didn't want to do the whole "nc" thing. my ex boyfriend also expressed missing me a lot. at the end of the day, none of that changed the fact that he thought his feelings had changed for me, that if he had wanted to work things out right now, he would be doing so. not to mention neither of us were sleeping with other people, like you two are. you need to go NC for YOU. don't do it to get her back. do it to help yourself heal. if she comes back, it's a bonus. fact is, i don't personally believe that the relationship can actually move forward even if she did want you back, because the problems are still there, neither of you have achieved any personal growth. why not go NC or LC for a year, grow a little, experience things, and get to know each other again?
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