Wibble Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Well it has been 3 long and painful years since I found out about my wife's affair. A marriage of 18 years turned instantly to ashes, the lives of 5 children (mine and his) turned upside down and a mountain of mistrust and hurt created in a heartbeat. It has taken me 3 years but I have finally run out of options and have left my wife. For the entire time since I discovered what had been going on all I have wanted to do is get some marriage counselling and start to find out both what has happened, but more importantly WHY. My wife has absolutely refused, pointblank, to go to MC. She has said she regrets what she has done, feels sorry for hurting me but will not go to an independent counsellor for some help. In the end this has become such a big "respect for my feelings" issue that I felt I could no longer live with someone who has treated me this way. I still don't think she really understands just how completely she has destroyed my sense of self worth and respect. She feels that I have been "punishing" her for 3 years and that is long enough. Now I admit to mood swings and all the usual "Betrayed Spouse" behaviour, but her post-affair behaviour has simply added fuel to the flames. I feel cheated that my marriage is going to end without the chance to find out why it all went wrong. So we have parted - more in sorrow than in anger - and I am convinced that her coping mechanism (pretending the past didn't happen) is preventing her from having the honest discussions that we need to have to make our marriage meaningful again. I am absolutely certain that a post affair marriage HAS to be better than it was before, otherwise there is no incentive to swallow the pain of the affair. It will seem selfish to some, but as the BS I feel it is legitimate that I expect her to say "What do I need to do to make this right?", and then listen to the answer. But she has never asked, and now the opportunity is past. It is all so very sad and ultimately unnecessary, but I cannot live my life waiting to feel as if I am worth a bit of counselling. Yuk.
westrock Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 It will seem selfish to some, but as the BS I feel it is legitimate that I expect her to say "What do I need to do to make this right?", and then listen to the answer. But she has never asked, and now the opportunity is past. You are not selfish at all to feel this way. It is a legitmate question that she would need to answer. I don't know your full story, so i hope you're not offended by this, but what do you need to do to make this "right" in your mind?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I'm sorry that she didn't want the marriage to work enough to face her own demons. You are right though. That is the only way for it to become better in the eyes of the betrayed. She took the cowards way out. It is my belief that one who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and work through those while making ammends will alway give in to their whims and not continue to grow. I'm sorry that it didn't work for you two, but I'm glad that you found the strength to stand up for what y ou believe. An attempt to forgive and move beyond betrayal is an incredible show of love, its unfortunate that some spouses see it as an easy way out. I hope that you can begin to enjoy yourself without doubt or sorrow - post haste! Good Luck Wibble!
Author Wibble Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 My backstory is pretty extensively recorded on this forum! In brief, I found out my wife had been having an affair for 2 1/2 years with a (married) man she had worked with 13 years previously. The time gap is significant because at that time she was being such a b*tch to me that I walked out. I had no inkling that there may have been someone else involved. She persuaded me to come back and we got on with kids etc for the next 13 years. In that period of time I felt we turned our marriage into a true partnership. We had our rough patches, but always seemed to be able to talk our way out of them. Then came the bombshell. Needless to say I was devastated. The emotions of a BS are well documented, and I went through them all. In bucket loads! Throughout all the pain and humiliation, however, I hoped that the woman I still wanted to trust would somehow show me that I was still important to her. In fact what I got was "Get over it" as the only reply when I asked for answers. I have taken it for 3 years, but finally have realised that my wife is simply not prepared to re-visit an episode of which she is deeply ashamed, no matter how important it is to me. I cannot say for certain that MC will make it "right" for me, but I do know that no MC will definitely make it "wrong" to try and continue a relationship so badly damaged.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 It has taken me 3 years but I have finally run out of options and have left my wife. For the entire time since I discovered what had been going on all I have wanted to do is get some marriage counselling and start to find out both what has happened, but more importantly WHY. My wife has absolutely refused, pointblank, to go to MC. She has said she regrets what she has done, feels sorry for hurting me but will not go to an independent counsellor for some help. Wow. Could have been my story but I wasted 5 years instead of 3. Like you, I kept waiting for that "Aha!" moment where my exW realized that it was going to take effort to rebuild our lives. Instead, she just wanted to pretend nothing had happened and made me the bad guy for not going along with it. I feel your pain. Hang in there... Mr. Lucky
Sup Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Protect your assests Wibble, if you don't, she'll make you pay for her affair! I hope the children are grown. Perhaps you should've made her leave, she's the one that cheated.
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