is this reasonable?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So, my bf and I broke up a few months ago. During that break I asked him to take time to think about whether he wanted to be with me and to contact me if he did. After 2 weeks of no contact I assumed he had decided he didnt want me after all.

 

I was really upset about it and during a night out with an old friend, we ended up bassically making out. Ive had the feeling this friend liked me at some level and i guess just gave in then.

 

A week later my bf called me and we decided to give it another try. He asked me if I had hooked up with someone during our break, but then said it was none of his business. Still i felt guilty and told him about my friend. He was a bit upset and said that he felt like my friend had taken advantage of me. I sorta agreed though I know i could have stopped it.

 

So now, a few weeks ago i saw my friend nearby my house. I texted him asking him why he was around. The next day my bf came over. In the morning I had gone to work and forgotten my phone. My bf usually leaves me little messages in random places thru the apartment. That day he had decided to leave me a message in my phone but then saw my txt to my friend. He was upset because he thought i wasnt talking to him anymore.

 

His reasoning was that it wasnt even about the possibility of me cheating on him but about how my had taken advantage of the situation. That had he help me thru the hard time he would even buy him drinks but instead he made a move when I was vulnerable. He said he couldnt believe that I would still talk to him when he did that, didnt speak to me afterwards, and then later called me to brag about hooking up with one of my friends. (which he did).

 

So I agree to not contact my friend anymore, actually i had made that decision before my bf found the txts. However, my question is...is it reasonable of him to ask me not to speak to him because of what happen during the break??

 

After he found out about what happened during the break Ive felt he has becomed a bit more insecured than before and a bit controlling. For example he takes me to meet his friends with whom he plays in a team, but seems uncomfortable if i wear short shorts and sometimes discreetly pulls at them to make them longer. Another time I was going to get dressed and he jokingly asked me to show him what i wanted to wear to see if he approved. I looked at him like u've got to be kidding me. He just smirked and said he didnt want anyone taking me away from him.

 

However, say he tells me he doesnt like certain thing i wear and sometimes I put something else, he immediate tells me to not listen to him and wear whatever I want.

 

Is his behavior controlling? or just insecured?

[MiniMina]

Honestly, I was in a relationship very much like the one you describe for a long time. He would become jealous of my male friends all the time, convinced they were all trying to take advantage of me, and would ask me not to talk to/hang out with them anymore. After some hesitation, I went along with it because I wanted to make the relationship work and now, there is nothing I regret more.

 

I now live by the rule that my SO doesn't get to "approve" who I talk to, where I go, what I wear, etc. (all of which he did and it sounds like your SO is doing now)

 

But to answer your question I think it is both controlling and insecure. He is probably insecure with himself and therefore feels the need to control you. Don't let him! Controlling relationships can't be happy, lasting relationships.

[onlyicansee]

This is ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with your bf! At least not by what you have written here. I mean seriously, what do you expect from a man? Men are controlling by nature. Men are jealous animals. If you are with your bf, and you are wearing short shorts, and other men are staring at your legs and your body, your bf is going to get jealous.

 

If you hang out with a lot of guys, your bf will get jealous. In reality, it would be nice if you could go off with other guys and have fun but nothing sexual. But in actuality thats not possible. There will always be guys who try to underhand you and get in your pants, who will swear they are friends, and who will be there for you when your in bad times. They will wait and they will take from you what you think you are protecting, your sexuality.

 

Im just saying, as a rule of thumb, if the guy worries about you going out with other guys it does not mean he is controlling and wants to put you in a box, it means he values your relationship and does not want to see you being taken advantage of.

[sweet&simple]

There are really two ways of looking at this:

 

1. Your friend took advantage of the situation you were in and made a move on you because he knew you were vulnerable.

 

2. Your friend realized he had an opportunity to finally act on his feelings for you and went for it. I wouldn't say that's "taking advantage," so much as liking someone, seeing that they're single, and making a move.

 

As for the boyfriend.. you can talk to whomever you want. I can understand why he'd be uncomfortable with this friend, but really, it's your call. If you've already decided to not talk to him because you're not ok with it, then fine.. there shouldn't be an issue.

 

As for the whole what you wear thing.. it's a bit controlling. His insecurity isn't your problem. You shouldn't have to get his approval about what you wear. Do you tell him what to wear when he'll be around the opposite sex? Do you get jealous and controlling because other girls look at him? The bottom line is: he should get over it. You can't control other people checking you out.. it's natural for people to check each other out.. if you're not acting on anything and you're committed to your boyfriend, it shouldn't be an issue for him.

 

I'm just saying if you're attractive, even wearing jeans and a modest tshirt isn't gong to make guys check you out any less.

[theobserver]

I disagree on the clothing comments, much as we live in a world where women are thankfully able to wear whatever they please you can't escape the fact the incorrect clothing can give off the wrong impression.

 

As a guy I've witnissed first hand when a good friends "girl" is dressing in revealing clothes some of the guys think it's an open invitation from said female to make advances that she's doing it for the guys to look and maybe touch but not because she just feels comfortable in it. Sad but true, many sexual assaults are because of this too again very sad the way some males think.

 

I've said this before but all guys know that very very when we're the good "friend" of a female and the person to contact at hard times we're secretly waiting for that moment to strike, it's a big game. Some are willing to wait months or years before they show their true selfs. Many women refuse to believe this. "oh bobby isn't like that" wrong, given the chance he PROBABLY would.

 

The fact he kissed you kind of proved this in your situation but you were technically single, but now you know his intentions you say you've cut him off which is fine, yeah your bf a little annoyed but long as you tell him the deal you can both work through this. What he did is no better he did not have the full story and chose to target a friend of yours for revenge.

Which always once again is proving the same for female friends, can't really trust them 100% to not make a move on your man.

 

 

Well we can't trust anyone 100% people are going to f-up and are going to disappoint us many times throughout our lives, but in the case of a relationship you need to establish some rules in your head and lines you wont let the relationship cross if you want to be relatively content. There's alot of bad luck in your relationship if you ask me if you want to make it work though that's up to you, personally I would start over.

[Javelin]

and people wonder why I don't do relationship, ' breaks. ' It can mean too many things, and it is just an easy excuse for miscommunication.

 

Also, You can tell, this thread is 90% female.

 

You ladies act as though you don't have insecurities of your own. Just reverse the roll in any given situation that you'd consider controlling and see how you'd react, if you were on the opposite end of the stick. Like you would really want your boyfriend hanging out with a cute girl that you knew had feelings for him and he had kissed during a break in your relationship.

 

Let's be realistic here, this does not just come down to male or female. Humans in general are very jealousy beings, regardless of gender

[blueintheface]

your bf was somewhat reasonable until he went and pashed your "friend." then all respectability went down the drain .....