Tabatha Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Something came over me today. I am begining to realize that maybe, my relationship is not going anywhere with my bf. Okay, so I don't know If all of you know, I've mentioned it before though, that my boyfriend is going into the Army. After about 10 months of bootcamp/training, he'll be stationed somewhere in the USA. Now, I know I have to endure those 10 months of him being gone periodically (cause I'm sure he'll be back to visit every few months or so), but he told me this morning that he does NOT want me to live with him when he gets stationed because he won't be able to live on base. Base=free rent, free, free, free, free...etc. He says All his income would be going to an apartment, living with me, because to live on base with him, we'd have to be married (something he says he doesn't see doing with me). So MY boyfriend doesn't want to have a life with me basically. He always tells me to just go with the flow and see how things end up, but I don't want to waste my time doing nothing, when I could be with a man who wants to do things with me, spend his life with me, and wants accomplish goals together. WHAT'S THE POINT of being together, when down the road, he doesn't want to live with me or have no long-term commitments with me? He's always UNSURE about everything. That makes me feel secure . It's been 10 and a half months now. Our year anniversary is in a month and a half!!! What do I do? Am I overreacting, or am I right? Should I have patience or end it? I don't see this thing lasting.
Ronni_W Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Tabatha, If you don't see it lasting (and there's nothing in your post to suggest that it even might last), and he is taking off for 10 months, anyway...well, you probably already strongly suspect that you are NOT over-reacting and that just having patience on your side probably ain't gonna make things so they can/will last. Yes? My nephew did bootcamp about 18 months ago -- they don't get to go home during that time, as far as I recall. His mom & dad did visit him, though. But definitely it is not up to them to just decide that they're going wherever to visit whomever "every few months or so". But it sounds as if you already know that being the g/f of this particular guy, while he is in bootcamp, kinda isn't how you want to spend the next year or so of your life. I don't think you're over-reacting...I think your intuition is telling you something important. (((hugs)))
officegirl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I guess it really depends on how much you like him. 10 months is a bit too soon to talk about moving in together in my humble opinion. Is everything else with your bf good? Some people do need to feel the ease of "going with the flow". You will most likely disrupt that flow and scare him off if you push this issue. Try instead, showing a little understanding for his need of pace in this relationship. It might be good for you too! Plus, he's joining the ARMY? That's a lot of stress. You should try to be his relief from stress instead of an addition to it. Just relax and enjoy the relationship. Just so that you know my background and don't think I'm giving advice that I wouldn't take. I am 9 months into a relationship that has been quite a challenge for me and my nit-picky tendencies. I had to evaluate how special my bf was to me and whether or not everything I want addressed IMMEDIATELY was necessary and worth losing him over. Our relationship has gotten so strong with both of us working hard to be the best bf/gf we can be. Also, he travels. A lot. May be home for a month or a week and then gone for 2 weeks or a month. It's something I've finally gotten used to. Because he's worth it. Feel free to ask me any questions you like.
stefspets Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I'm not in the exact same situation, but similar. My boyfriend is graduating medical school next year, and could end up doing residency in another city (though he can pick where he applies, he has to apply to more programs to increase his chances of getting interviews and possibly matching, and most places he applied to are out of the state). If he leaves, I will go with him because I see the relationship lasting, but we've talked about it and will live together at that point. I don't want to move to a new city, leaving family and job behind, and live by myself where I know no one. He felt the same way. Your boyfriend, though, not only doesn't want to live with you (after about 20 months of being together, if my math is right), but has said he never sees himself marrying you. Even if money is the primary reason for not wanting to live together, it sounds selfish to me (maybe the concern is legitimate, but I don't know how much he would be making). You would potentially be moving for him but he can't sacrifice some $$ to live with you? If you want to get married, he's already said he doesn't see that with you. I think your doubts are well-founded.
Author Tabatha Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Thanks for all your responses! Instead of riding this wave until it ends, I'm going to make and set goals in this relationship, that will help us individually, and together. First of, we both want to go back to school for a CAREER, not just a job. He wants to be an Auto-Tech Mechanic (not just changing oil at Jiffy Lube), and I want to become a Nurse, or a Nurses Assistant. He's always said he wants to live in different parts of the country and travel. He is a very outdoors kinda person. He likes Camping, Fishing, Hiking, Canoeing, and Fishing (I know, I said that already, but he LOVES fishing!!) So I want to take that and turn them into hobbies. Also, he likes other guy stuff as well, like going to the shooting range, paintball, and wood working. What I love to do is more less physical, go to the movies, catch a concert, maybe go to a museum, and I like all the outdoors stuff too. So If we can take that and turn it in things to do, we can make this relationship spontaneous, exciting, and adventerous! I mean, he's always wanted to jump out of a plane...with a parachute;). If we could accomplish our goals and get our careers settled, we can have a very healthy positive relationship. It's just going to take some time. So maybe it's not the end. As long as we can buckle down, and focus on our top priorities (school and work), we can have many many many years of fun and adventure. My Boyfriend is a great guy. He loves me, treats me awesome, and just needs a little kick in the behind from time to time to get moving. I Love him very very much, and if things work out, he's definately worth sticking around for.
officegirl Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Great attitude! Great ideas! A lot of times, we can get so stuck on what's wrong which leads only to the end of what could be made into a great thing. Maybe fate plays a role. Maybe destiny has something do with it. Me? I think all those ideas are often times a cop out or an excuse for not working hard on your relationship. Ask any couple who's been married for over 2 decades. I've never heard them say "we lasted because we were meant to". Their answers almost always include the words effort, work, compromise, understanding, and true love and acceptance.
Author Tabatha Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I agree 100% with you! That is one thing I don't like to hear from my bf. He believes,"if we were meant to be, we will be together". It's like no one cares to put any effort into relationships and sticking together. They rather be single and not deal with all the baggage that comes with relationships. I believe in striving to make a good relationship, positive, and healthy, and not give up when things get rough.
Author Tabatha Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 When I first created this thread...I was upset, negative, and took an argument over the phone with my boyfriend, branding it "the end." But, spending the day with him that day made me realize that there is alot of love and positive energy that is passed between us. And instead of giving up because of an argument, i made a list of goals that would help us as a couple and each individually.
superd Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I didn't go through fully what everyone said, I just sort of skimmed it because it was alot, but it sounds like they talked you into (in a real sneaky way)having more patience with this guy. However, I kow guys like this and girls like you enough to know that now is the the time to run and never look back. One year is a long time, don't waste another three. Have some more Dignity and Self-Respect.
tanbark813 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yes, you're overreacting and yes, you should have patience. If I'm understanding your post, you've been together for 10 months and his options are either spend all his money (which is jack shyt for a low-ranking person in the military) on an apartment or get married so he can live on base for free. That's a huge decision and you're putting a lot of pressure on him and not something he should jump into anyway. If you lived together, would you be able to split the rent and bills with him? Or are you expecting him to cover it all? I know I wouldn't marry anyone who I had been with for less than a year. That has nothing to do with the person or relationship.
superd Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I am just saying that long-distance relationships are not all there crackecd up to be but I know that everyone knows that. Why should she wait around and not get on with her life? Its not fair to her if she is not free.
D-Lish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Yes, you're overreacting and yes, you should have patience. If I'm understanding your post, you've been together for 10 months and his options are either spend all his money (which is jack shyt for a low-ranking person in the military) on an apartment or get married so he can live on base for free. That's a huge decision and you're putting a lot of pressure on him and not something he should jump into anyway. If you lived together, would you be able to split the rent and bills with him? Or are you expecting him to cover it all? I know I wouldn't marry anyone who I had been with for less than a year. That has nothing to do with the person or relationship. I agree with Tan 100%. If I remember correctly... you're 20 years old I think? There's plenty of time to grow together and enjoy dating, 10 months really isn't that long. It's too soon to move in together, and too soon to be thinking of marriage. That in no way reflects his love for you- it just means he isn't ready. He has an opportunity to live on the base rent-free. It makes complete sense he would want to do that while completing his training. I wouldn't take that decision personally at all. There's plenty of time! I wouldn't stress about it and put some focus into your own goals and aspirations.
Author Tabatha Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 I agree with Tan 100%. If I remember correctly... you're 20 years old I think? There's plenty of time to grow together and enjoy dating, 10 months really isn't that long. It's too soon to move in together, and too soon to be thinking of marriage. That in no way reflects his love for you- it just means he isn't ready. He has an opportunity to live on the base rent-free. It makes complete sense he would want to do that while completing his training. I wouldn't take that decision personally at all. There's plenty of time! I wouldn't stress about it and put some focus into your own goals and aspirations. I agree with Tan too believe it or not! He's absolutely right. I am not trying to force or pressure my boyfriend into anything though. I may bring it up sometimes of what I want, but they are only ideas of what I believe happen in a very serious relationship with (a lot of) Time. If I did plan to live with him off base, then yes I will contribute with the bills with a job outside of the military. While he is training though, he will be living in the Barracks, so when he's studying or learning his military job, I will still be here in GA. When he gets stationed that's when i will get the opportunity to live with him. Hell, if he does decide to live off base with me, I'll work my butt off at a job, racking up those hours, because he would be doing the hard work off serving our country. I intend to be a well sufficient person while on my own. I pledge never to become my mother, and live off welfare and/or child support checks with my hand out, like she has all my life.
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