CandyGirlXO Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I broke up with my EX about 4-5 months ago, and we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. I am not IN LOVE with him anymore, and I am over him completely, but I miss him there as a friend. He was someone that knew me very well, and even though I don't want to see him anymore, I enjoyed our conversations on the phone still. I told him that I did not want to give us another try (so that I wasn't leading him on), that I was done with the relationship, but I still wanted him to be my friend. And I meant it. I understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it is too hard for him. I tried calling him 2 separate times, and he did not answer, and he has not called me back. I really just miss him in my life, even though I don't want him as a BF. I am just so sad over the whole situation, and I am just really hurting. I know its not the case, but I just feel like my life is never going to get any better. Should I just leave him alone? I guess thats what he wants me to do.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I broke up with my EX about 4-5 months ago, and we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. I am not IN LOVE with him anymore, and I am over him completely, but I miss him there as a friend. He was someone that knew me very well, and even though I don't want to see him anymore, I enjoyed our conversations on the phone still. I told him that I did not want to give us another try (so that I wasn't leading him on), that I was done with the relationship, but I still wanted him to be my friend. And I meant it. I understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it is too hard for him. I tried calling him 2 separate times, and he did not answer, and he has not called me back. I really just miss him in my life, even though I don't want him as a BF. I am just so sad over the whole situation, and I am just really hurting. I know its not the case, but I just feel like my life is never going to get any better. Should I just leave him alone? I guess thats what he wants me to do. You sound a little confused. Your post indicates someone who really loves someone. Or perhaps your feeling guilty? Leave him be for a while, it will be his decision if he wants to talk to you again. Breakups are hard, it takes time to get over somebody. Maybe send him a letter telling him you understand why he won't talk to you, and that you will be there if he ever wants to call you. Just don't expect anything in return from him though. Cheers!
Deegee Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Me too. I miss my friend. It's not easy....I went from talking to him everyday ALL day (for 3 years) to nothing. And it hurts. I keep trying to make sense of it all, and I can't. And it frustrates me to no end. One day at a time....
Rooster_DAR Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I think my EX fiance feels the same way, but she was cheating on me so I closed her off completely. I know she misses me (cards, phone calls), but I loved her way to much and it would have been too painful to see her again anyway.
nowhereman82 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 My ex before last....it was 5 years until I was willing to speak to her again. We now speak on the phone everyday. So you might be friends some day....or you might never. Depends on the individuals. But just like any form of dating....you risk losing that person in your life after it doesn't work out. That's why some people choose to keep people as friends and nothing more. I miss the friendship of my ex....but I realize that ultimately I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin....cause now I have to go out there and find myself again...and thats hard work!
carhill Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Does this make any sense, OP? You lament what you aren't getting from him and want that part, yet <appear to> have no cognizance of or empathy for what he wants from you. Do you see how that can be viewed as purely a function of self-involved id? Your desires are unbalanced. Your job is to respect that what he wants from you is no longer something which you wish to give and that reality is hurtful for him. If you truly care about him as a friend (and not merely your own needs from him), you will facilitate his healing.
Ingenue Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 CandyGirl, I'm sorry that you're missing your friend. Oftentimes in breakups, not only do you lose your lover, you lose your best friend. But, you initiated the break up and I have to agree with some posters, that the least you can do, as his friend, is to give him space to heal his broken heart. He is most likely not in the mental space to have a friendship with you. That doesn't mean that you won't ever be friends years down the road. But as it stands now, both of you want different things from each other and until your desires are on a more equitable platform, a friendship simply cannot exist. The best thing you can do, for your future friendship is to respect him and leave him alone for the time being. When he's ready to talk to you, he will.
tealeafbud Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I broke up with my EX about 4-5 months ago, and we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. I am not IN LOVE with him anymore, and I am over him completely, but I miss him there as a friend. He was someone that knew me very well, and even though I don't want to see him anymore, I enjoyed our conversations on the phone still. I told him that I did not want to give us another try (so that I wasn't leading him on), that I was done with the relationship, but I still wanted him to be my friend. And I meant it. I understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it is too hard for him. I tried calling him 2 separate times, and he did not answer, and he has not called me back. I really just miss him in my life, even though I don't want him as a BF. I am just so sad over the whole situation, and I am just really hurting. I know its not the case, but I just feel like my life is never going to get any better. Should I just leave him alone? I guess thats what he wants me to do. I broke up with my ex also and we also spoke after the break up. she forgave me, but we also talked about how much we missed each other as friends because we knew each other so well. She started dating someone but kept talking to me and including me in her drama which led to our friendship demise. But in my opinion, you need to just move on and forget about him. I guess in rare cases, ex's can remain friends, but I just can't see how you can be friends and be in other relationships. It really wouldn't be fair to new love interests that they knew you were close with your ex.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Thanks for the replies! I do understand why he can't talk to me. Maybe it is too painful for him, because he told me he still loves me and wants to be with me. I told him I love you too, but I am NOT in love with you. What bothers me I think the most about this whole thing, is that he was able to talk to his EXGF before me right away after their break-up and they were able to maintain a friendship. I said so you can be friends with her, but you can't with me, and he said that he wasn't in love with her, and he didn't want to be with her anymore. I just feel like sending him a text saying, "I hope you are okay, I really miss talking to you, I really am sorry things didn't work out between us, but I miss you." Last time we talked he was losing himself. Crying to me on the phone, freaking out, telling me he doesn't know what to do with himself, basically having a break down because I told him I didn't want to see him.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Crying to me on the phone, freaking out, telling me he doesn't know what to do with himself, basically having a break down because I told him I didn't want to see him. That is the pain you incur when you love somebody so much and it's not returned. He is hurting, it will be a long time before he will be able to address you again (if at all) I would bet.
RogueAC Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Candygirl, I understand that you hurt and miss the companionship that your ex provided but please respect him and the relationship you had. Please let him go. I have gotten a few voicemails from my ex in the 5 weeks that we have been broken up. He asks how I am doing, etc. In the most recent voicemail he said “I miss you” and it has been awful for me since. He left the voicemail 5 days ago and for the past week I have felt like I did when we first broke up. The “I miss you” hurts so much because you realize that even though your ex misses you they still aren’t “in love” with you and/or don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Ouch. Please give him space to heal and let go of the relationship. If you miss him try talking to your friends or post here or whatever. Later, when the wounds are far less fresh, you can try to be friends. I am sorry if I am harsh. I know break ups are hard no matter which side you are on and I have been on both before. **Hugs** to you.
RogueAC Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I am not IN LOVE with him anymore, and I am over him completely, but I miss him there as a friend. Your ex wants to get to this point too. He just needs time.
carhill Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 What bothers me I think the most about this whole thing, is that he was able to talk to his EXGF before me right away after their break-up and they were able to maintain a friendship. Perhaps (and likely) he did not have the emotional bond with her which he has with you. If he instituted the breakup with her, that is also telling. Further, we have no way of knowing what masking from either of them was occurring. For example, he could've broke up with her and moved on emotionally (to you) and she swallowed her emotions (or resolved them) and they were able to continue as "friends". As armchair analysts, we don't know The operative is the here and now. He's hurting and, if you care about him, truly care about him, you'll take actions to lessen his pain. He won't forget you. That's a common projection people make when contemplating or doing NC. Do you really think he'll forget you? Yeah, I thought so Trust me, teasing him with "friend" stuff will only lengthen his healing and ultimately create resentment. I've been there many times. NC is far better, IMO.
Green Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 My ex calls me every once and a while and its anoying, she has the magic ability to call when I'm out with some new girl
Intergalactic Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 agreed that you need to leave him alone. you're missing his companionship, but you're also over him, past him, looking out for someone else you can share your intimacy with. he isn't. how can he be your friend when he still hopes you'll reach for him when you want to be intimate? how can he stop hurting and reach the same place you are when you're around, calling him, contacting him when he just needs you to stay away from him for the time being? it's hard for you but it's probably a lot harder for him. i'm not trying to be a bitch, but you need to stop thinking of yourself and be a little more conscious of someone you supposedly care so much about.
0hpenelope Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 So the bare facts of this is... he's still in love with you and he's definitely not over you. He hurts when he sees you and he wants to stop hurting. You understand that, but if you're fishing for a response that will enable you to maintain a friendship with him while he's still feeling the way he does... you won't get any. You're not in love with him - okay, we get it. But he's in love with you. Keep giving him the space he clearly needs. I'm supporting everyone else in this. Leave him alone. He knows you want to be his friend and he's not going to accommodate something so painful to him right now - or ever. It's his choice. Can't force someone to feel about something other than how they feel. Let him go and leave him alone. You've done it before, I'm sure you can do it again.
sedgwick Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 If you dumped him and you're over him, you have to let him go. I'm sure he's still hurting a lot. If my ex wanted to be friends with me, I wouldn't be able to do it either -- he tried, actually, and I told him to take off. I told him I loved him with all my heart but that I couldn't be friends with him knowing he didn't want to be with me. I have just assumed that he probably doesn't hurt at all over the breakup and never has. It's interesting to think he might miss me in any way at all.
Ocean-Blue Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I broke up with my EX about 4-5 months ago, and we stopped talking about 2 weeks ago. I am not IN LOVE with him anymore, and I am over him completely, but I miss him there as a friend. He was someone that knew me very well, and even though I don't want to see him anymore, I enjoyed our conversations on the phone still. I told him that I did not want to give us another try (so that I wasn't leading him on), that I was done with the relationship, but I still wanted him to be my friend. And I meant it. I understand why he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it is too hard for him. I tried calling him 2 separate times, and he did not answer, and he has not called me back. I really just miss him in my life, even though I don't want him as a BF. I am just so sad over the whole situation, and I am just really hurting. I know its not the case, but I just feel like my life is never going to get any better. Should I just leave him alone? I guess thats what he wants me to do. I sympathize with you. When I broke up with my ex, it was really hard on the both of us (but in different ways). I wanted to remain friends with him but he asked that we never speak again. This took a while for me to accept. I don't think I've fully accepted it yet (it's been a while now). When you are the one who leaves, you really have to respect the other person's wishes. The pain of being friends with you is too much for him, I guess. My ex was quite angry with me (though he tried) and eventually just cut me out of his life. I still have moments where I cry and feel sad about the whole thing. The only solace I have is that we are both now with people we are happy with. The best thing you can do for him is to leave him be.
Crazy.S Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I know how you feel, but you were the one who broke his heart, so it is not your decision. I am not saying it's your fault that you don't love him anymore, but you have to be fair and give him his space. Best thing for you to do is to move on. He will either contact you or you will never hear from him again. Whatever happens try to respect his decision. After all he did stopped bothering you after you broke up with him. Trust me it takes a lot to do that. I am in the same position as him and I still trying to move on and I do hope that one day we can still be friends. I am just afraid that it is not too late when I am ready.
Simplycaroline Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Thanks for the replies! I do understand why he can't talk to me. Maybe it is too painful for him, because he told me he still loves me and wants to be with me. I told him I love you too, but I am NOT in love with you. What bothers me I think the most about this whole thing, is that he was able to talk to his EXGF before me right away after their break-up and they were able to maintain a friendship. I said so you can be friends with her, but you can't with me, and he said that he wasn't in love with her, and he didn't want to be with her anymore. I just feel like sending him a text saying, "I hope you are okay, I really miss talking to you, I really am sorry things didn't work out between us, but I miss you." Last time we talked he was losing himself. Crying to me on the phone, freaking out, telling me he doesn't know what to do with himself, basically having a break down because I told him I didn't want to see him. I am sorry to say this but you sound very self involved as a person. You have no idea what you are asking of this person. It may not ever be possible for him to be friends with you. That is something that you have to face and learn to live with. What you are doing is very cruel rather you view it that way or not. Step outside of yourself long enough to realise what you are doing to him.
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