lf1234 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Now..after reading a bunch of threads on this forum, it seems like I'm in the young minority and well...I don't have much experience as far as relationships and how to handle it when things go bad. I've talked to friends..but I want to talk to people who might have been on either side in a similar situation..guy or gal, because none of my friends or family can relate. I should start by saying that before me and my ex went out, she had a crush on me for a good year. I met her when I was in a very short relationship with one of her friends. She developed the crush because her friend treated me like **** and thought all I was trying to do was be a good boyfriend. Now, I never knew about this crush until last year, maybe around October. Come December I had a crush that come and went, and a few days before New Years Eve, one of her friends talked to me and told me about a small New Years party at her moms house a few hours away. She was there as well..we spent the night talking and well..by 1.1.08 we started the relationship. When I first started going out with her I felt guilty because, coming off of a crush, I didnt want to dissapoint this girl that has been wanting to go out with me for over a year. But as I got to know her, it turned out that we were very similar and I felt something very deep for her. I want to call it love because I never felt it for anybody else. The feeling that all you want to do is be there for her and make her happy. Things were great for months. Nothing but a few small fights over nothing that got resolved in a minute. But I had a problem to deal with. I flip out on very stupid things for no reason at all. With her, I never yelled or hit, doing something like that never crossed my mind, but it was obvious that I was pissed, and she always thought it was her fault. Then a big fight came..and another. But I have to explain her past now. Shes been through alot. Been moved from house to house. Seen her mom get beaten by countless boyfriends. Has been in abusive relationships herself. She got raped when she was 13 years old and didn't tell anybody for 5 months before finding out she was pregnant and got an abortion. She got diagnosed with PTSD and has been going to counceling for it. Emotionally, she is a train wreck. But at that second big fight over nothing she said she couldn't handle the relationship anymore because it was making her miserable. I promised to change. And I did. For 5 months now I haven't gotten ticked off over nothing and have been in an overall better mood. But there was still something else. I'm overprotective. I never told her to not see friends, but whenever she said she was going away for a day with family or friends, I would be angry/sad that I couldn't see her that day, and she could noticibly see it. I think the thing that pushed her over the edge was just 3 weeks ago when she mentioned that she was going to go into Salem for halloween with her friends, even invited me, but I got mad because I wanted to go with her to a party. She closed up and just got very mad and said she'd just go with me and forget about Salem. 4 days ago she called me after she got out of school, crying. She said that she might have feelings for some other guy in her school and would have to take a break from the relationship to get her thoughts straightened out. It just happened all of a sudden. No warning signs at all, and if there were then they went right over my head. Ive found out that there is indeed a kid, and it is true that she only sees him in the halls, has never even really talked to him. I didn't buy that a little crush brought her to end this, but she said she couldn't see me face to face during all of this cause she couldnt bear to see me and not say "i love you" or kiss me because she didn't want to be anything less than 100% sure. But I know it goes deeper than that. I know that I pushed her over the edge. We saw eachother so much, almost every day for atleast half an hour, and on days off we spent the whole day together. The countless times I've been with my friends, shes been there as well, and vice versa. It came to the point where she was miserable when she wasn't around me. Ontop of all this she might have just thought a little thing about that kid in her school and it just snowballed for a week until she told me. It's a whole bunch of things coming together at the same time that broke her. Or atleast thats what I want to believe. Our relationship was very young and moved very fast. *flameshield* I'm only 18, and she's only 16, and I know that we both have alot of growing up to do, especially her being at such a vulnerable age. How do I cope with the waiting and giving her space. Im a thinker and im a realist, I cant get this out of my mind and ive probably thought of everything that could possibly happen. I dont know how else to end this post because I guess im just looking for insight on everything. I know that this post is pretty darn long and I put in alot of information..probably alot that isn't even needed. But the only insight I want to hear right now is from people who have heard the whole story and know a majority of it. Is it possible for me to reconcile and get that second chance? I never meant to hurt her and she knows that. Is there anything I can do other than wait and be on the sidelines. I know people are going to tell me to move on but, isn't it possible that she really does need time to think? I know her better than anybody and she needed a break to think over so many different things. Is there a possibility that this can infact work out?
youngbuckkk Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Nope. Read this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164665/
nowhereman82 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Well sounds like you realize a lot of things already....and honestly don't know and neither do you know if you will get that 2nd chance. Best bet is to go NC like everyone says here. Allows you to seperate from it and her to POSSIBLY miss you but not a guarantee....and by then you might not even be interested anymore. Read the forums more. I'm sure you know what you need to do
Author lf1234 Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 That is whats making this so hard. If the relationship was in the ****ter and we just werent getting along, I would understand. Its just how it ended so abruptly..in my mind I'm thinking that we need another chance, and I want her to realize that all I did was try my best. She IS younger than me..and maybe she just fell out of love. I dont know. I have been reading the forums since I found them and alot of threads are of help. To the other dude - just because many relationships fall under the same type of "textbook catagory" does not mean the situations are the same - they're not, and they wont be. Every single person on this board could have broken up with somebody in the exact same way, but because the individuals are different and the pasts of the people are different, does not mean that 99.9% of couples that take a break arent meant for eachother. The way this happened, the things that have happened between us, and both of our pasts is why im trying so hard right now to understand things and why its so hard to cope. And I know theres a possibility. That, or its my younger mind talking. I don't want to argue..I came here to find out other peoples views so I can cope better and learn how to handle this better because I know I can improve.
BCCA Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Honestly, no one knows for sure whats going to happen with your ex. There is always a chance that the two of you could reconcile and some point, but the standard answer here is to go no contact and see if/when the ex comes back. Personally, I dont see things as black and white as some other people. To me, just going NC and sitting on your hands is pretty much blaming the entire situation on your ex. Sure, they ARE the one that ended things, but there could be good reasons. If you realize what your contributions to your issues were, you should just focus on improving them for yourself, to make you a better person in a relationship. Some people break up a dozen times and end up married for 20 years. Some break up once and never see/hear from their ex again. There is really no telling. All you can do is back way off of her, and let her come forward when she's ready. If you want to check in with her and say hi every month or so, then go ahead. But you DO have to take things for what they are, and youre broken up. Dont put all your energy into finding a way to reconcile, because it just might not happen and youll be keeping yourself in limbo far too long.
EmperorR Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 i know it sounds dumb Etc, but I feel like I will get a second chance one day, but i'm Not going to sit around and thinking of it. Nc nc nc I put all my trust in God I know if I'm meant to be with her then I will if not then I know God has someone better out there for me.
EmperorR Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 i know it sounds dumb Etc, but I feel like I will get a second chance one day, but i'm Not going to sit around and thinking of it. Nc nc nc I put all my trust in God I know if I'm meant to be with her then I will if not then I know God has someone better out there for me. Like I know this couple at my church were dating for years then they broke up went their seperate ways years later they got back together and are happily married with a child on the way. Don't get your hopes to high but mYbe you are the one and right for that person but just not at this time.
SuaveWazoo Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 You sound like a good kid. And I'm glad you understand that you're not perfect. No one is. Also, I understand that you feel like you are learning a lot from the relationship, and that you are making great progress in being an accommodating, mature person for this girl. But guess what? Yes, you are 18. And you grow so much and learn so much for your years to come. This girl may not want to be in a relationship with you at this point, and as you can already tell...she is really confused about things. And it sucks but it takes two to tango. But at the very least, you have the best weapon of all, and that is knowing what YOU have done that may have made the relationship sour. And what is good is that you KNOW, and knowing is half the battle. Work on yourself, give it a few months. See where life will lead you.
youngbuckkk Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 This is not even about getting a second chance. This is about her choosing you or the other guy. Have some pride and realize this girl is keeping you on a leash just in case she doesn't get with her new number 1 romantic interest. Do you really wanna be someone's second option? And it's so cliche , but it must be said, history often repeats itself. So say you do get back together. Now she knows she has the power to go out and seek any man she deems interesting and most likely have you waiting if things don't work out. So what's to stop her from doing so again? You gave her validation that it's ok in your book. My advice, tell her that if she wants space that's fine, tell her if she ever wants to get back together down the road to call and you'll consider it, but your not making any promises because you won't be waiting around for her and you are not her pincushion.
Dazed_Animal Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Ive been on this forum for a couple days now and all ive been hearing is nc, nc, nc and give up look for someone else pretty much, well screw that. If you love her then fight for her, sure give her a bit of time to chill out and think about things but dont lose the person you love without one hell of a fight. From the sounds of it, your gf doesnt know what she want so give her reasons to want you. Talk to her, take her out, be there for her etc Show her that you care and you want to fix things. I'm going through the same thing you are right now, we're both pretty young and this our first REAL relationship. We broke up about a week ago and have started talking to each other again, last night we spent nearly 6 hrs just talking and now shes invited me over to talk about us, if I had listen to that nc **** then chances are we'd never get back together. You guys could have a great future together, and to me a few weeks/months maybe longer of trying to win her back for that future is well worth it, there's NOTHING better than spending your life with someone you truly love. What's life without love?
youngbuckkk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Ive been on this forum for a couple days now and all ive been hearing is nc, nc, nc and give up look for someone else pretty much, well screw that. If you love her then fight for her, sure give her a bit of time to chill out and think about things but dont lose the person you love without one hell of a fight. From the sounds of it, your gf doesnt know what she want so give her reasons to want you. Talk to her, take her out, be there for her etc Show her that you care and you want to fix things. I'm going through the same thing you are right now, we're both pretty young and this our first REAL relationship. We broke up about a week ago and have started talking to each other again, last night we spent nearly 6 hrs just talking and now shes invited me over to talk about us, if I had listen to that nc **** then chances are we'd never get back together. You guys could have a great future together, and to me a few weeks/months maybe longer of trying to win her back for that future is well worth it, there's NOTHING better than spending your life with someone you truly love. What's life without love? Terrible advice. Your youth really does show. You seem to be in love with the "idea" of being in love. I mean, the guy said she's 16 and he's 18 and your treating it like she will be the one that got away. His ex, and that's what she is, has chosen another guy over him. Doesn't get more black and white then that. Why should he have to prove himself to someone who obviously is seeking something new. You act like he's the one who did something wrong here. THE GIRL LEFT HIM FOR A NEW MAN. And if he takes your advice and she decides to take him back she will have him wrapped around her finger. Eventually the same thing will happen when she has a new crush and he will be back at square one.
Dazed_Animal Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 His ex, and that's what she is, has chosen another guy over him. Doesn't get more black and white then that. Why should he have to prove himself to someone who obviously is seeking something new. You act like he's the one who did something wrong here. THE GIRL LEFT HIM FOR A NEW MAN. And if he takes your advice and she decides to take him back she will have him wrapped around her finger. Eventually the same thing will happen when she has a new crush and he will be back at square one. First of all she said MIGHT have feelings for another guy, for all we know and from what lf1234 said she's just confused, she's young of course she's going to get confused over this matter but it's not worth losing her over... What if after a week or 2 she realised she DOESNT have feelings for anyone else but lf1234 alrdy got bad advice from someone like you and is trying nc and trying to move on? You obviously dont care about any of the posters here so why do you stay? Does reading about other peoples problems give you a kick or something? Did one of your failed relationships upset you to a point where when there's a sign of trouble the only thing you can think of is ya better get out quickly!!
youngbuckkk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 First of all she said MIGHT have feelings for another guy, for all we know and from what lf1234 said she's just confused, she's young of course she's going to get confused over this matter but it's not worth losing her over... What if after a week or 2 she realised she DOESNT have feelings for anyone else but lf1234 alrdy got bad advice from someone like you and is trying nc and trying to move on? You obviously dont care about any of the posters here so why do you stay? Does reading about other peoples problems give you a kick or something? Did one of your failed relationships upset you to a point where when there's a sign of trouble the only thing you can think of is ya better get out quickly!! She's confused? If you are in love with someone you don't one day all of a sudden up and get confused as to whether or not you do anymore when someone new comes along. That's not confusion, that's loss of interest, with someone new filling the position. And you keep ignoring the aspect that if he lets this go down he is telling her it's alright to do this anytime. It's alright hunny, you have a crush, I don't care, go swim in the public pool, maybe it will help you realize how much better mine is. This after going out less then a year. It's a sign of things to come unless she learns this behavior is unacceptable and he will not tolerate it. This girl is already pulling this card and didn't even hit college, the biggest meat market there is for young people, where virgin girls turn into amateur film stars.
youngbuckkk Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Just because you an advocate for catering to your partners every need and going above and beyond in hopes that they keep you around, doesn't mean you are giving sound advice. I'm a realist man, you are looking at life with rosy colored glasses, not seeing the big picture.
EmperorR Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 She's confused? If you are in love with someone you don't one day all of a sudden up and get confused as to whether or not you do anymore when someone new comes along. That's not confusion, that's loss of interest, with someone new filling the position. And you keep ignoring the aspect that if he lets this go down he is telling her it's alright to do this anytime. It's alright hunny, you have a crush, I don't care, go swim in the public pool, maybe it will help you realize how much better mine is. This after going out less then a year. It's a sign of things to come unless she learns this behavior is unacceptable and he will not tolerate it. This girl is already pulling this card and didn't even hit college, the biggest meat market there is for young people, where virgin girls turn into amateur film stars. women r confusing creatures.
ahhhchooo Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 What if after a week or 2 she realised she DOESNT have feelings for anyone else but lf1234 alrdy got bad advice from someone like you and is trying nc and trying to move on? Say that did happen, the bridge could be crossed at the time. The other option is for him to wait a week or two and she doesn't realise anything. So the OP can dwell on it as long as he likes, but it's not going to help him or his chances at all. The truth is if she did decide to come back, his NC and attempt to move on aren't going to stop her from making that point.
EmperorR Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 Say that did happen, the bridge could be crossed at the time. The other option is for him to wait a week or two and she doesn't realise anything. So the OP can dwell on it as long as he likes, but it's not going to help him or his chances at all. The truth is if she did decide to come back, his NC and attempt to move on aren't going to stop her from making that point. Which is why NC is so good, I want my girl to call me back and give me that second chance, but im not holding out for it, at least with NC, maybe if she ever does by that time i won't care
Author lf1234 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 I can dwell on it until me and her talk in person. We decided that much, to wait until we can both talk about this whole thing with our heads cleared. We both know that if we let emotions run the talk then certain things might get blocked out for no reason. I already understand that if she fell out of love then well, I can't change that. Im prepared for the worst. All of that I already know, and I'm not going to fight for something that is going to go against her will. It would be like fighting for nothing. She might have known in her head what she really wanted since this started happening, but I dont know that. Nobody does but her. Thats why me, and other people, always try to make the best out of the situation. Not every break up is black and white..and it just so happens that this is a gray area.
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