used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Now knowing he is on Match.com and his profile reads like a journal of activities that he and I used to do together, right down to the tv show i introduced him to (that he now loves)... I have caught my breath and realized, he just didn't want a relationship with me. And I'm simply not sure why because that is where we were heading.. he started to tell me that I need to heal from my marriage.. and I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I was very needy.. I was separated and living with my husband and it was tumultuous. I leaned on him to fill my time when I couldn't be at home (due to custody arrangements) and crowded his space. How can I apologize for that now? Now, I'm divorced and living on my own (his is final now too). Now is the time I am in a healthier place to have a great relationship, but he only saw the crazy nutso girl at the end, where I wouldn't let him go, kept texting calling, ugh.. i was bad. He had enough. Said don't call or text again.. yada yada.. I know if I left things alone... we'd still be in contact, even if only a text or so once a week.. just to see how we were doing. I asked if he loved me at all.. his response was "yes.. i do.. as a person but you aggravate me beyond belief." So, now that my head is clear. I want to email him.. the tone, friendly, fun.. accepting of our differences and even acknowledging how I found his profile.. which is the truth.. my gf was here.. we were searching for the guys in our town (just a fun thing to do).. she said, just join.. I was like you know what, I think I will. Why not. Just go on a few dates.. who cares. After she left I finished it up.. and ran my search. Lo and behold.. he shows up in my search, with a near perfect match. My heart stopped beating. If I write to him, in an accepting sort of tone, whereby I'm wishing him luck on Match.com sorry he and I didn't work out for him, but if he considered giving us a chance again, taking it slow, I'd be open to that. If he'd rather date others, then that is fine too. We both were in long relationships (our marriages) and maybe we both should be dating anyways. If our paths cross again in the future, then that is what is to be. Wish him well and say that I'm still that friendly ear if he ever needs. Thoughts??? I'm trying to be mature about this -- there are a lot of issues between us individually and together, that we just couldn't survive tht whole period of time leading up to our divorces being final. Or maybe i"m living a fantasy and his card he wrote to me just a couple of weeks before he dissed me, where he said he was enjoying getting to know me and hoped we continued on our path of getting to know each other more.. that I was special to him.. just 2 weeks before - maybe that was all just a blatant, Lie? Or he got cold feet. The honest to goodness truth of the matter is that what I miss the most? Is his FRIENDSHIP. We started out while we were both separated in a different kind of relationship, but once we were nearing divorces.. it turned into something different and deeper. We were letting our guards down and becoming friends. Thoughts on writing an email? or just let him be, to date the women on Match.com, and go on with my life, wondering if he'll stop searching and call me again? I still feel in my gut -- this is my gut -- that there is something between us. I can't put my finger on it, but I can't imagine my life without him. We've had rocky times in the past and when he or I tweaked out for any reason - I knew it was never the end. And it never was. What should I do?
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 And I"m guessing it is probably not such a good idea to send such an email to him at oh 1:40 am as it is right now.. might be something to sleep on, but I still need your valuable advice! Oh another thought to consider.. maybe I shouldn't email him so soon after the breakup 2.5 weeks ago... maybe I should wait for a few months or more when it is more convincing that I am healthier mentally? (really, I probably will be healthier at that time)
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Ok, I am delirious.. that's what I get for thinking too much at 2 in the morning. Maybe it's not such a good idea afterall.. When I'm truly in a good place in 6 months or so, and I feel like it, I can send him a quick text maybe.. hey how are things? Hope you are doing well.. Do you all believe if things are meant to be, they will be?? I should just let him date on Match.com.. and search for another "me' because I'm not kidding you, every single attribute he is looking for is me.. and it isn't liek we didn't have chemistry, we always did.. So, maybe he needs to date a few to realize that I might have truly been something - special?? I just worry about out of sight, out of mind (if away too long)
Karma101 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Don't do it. Especially don't confront him, even in a "non-confrontational manner, about being on Match. Why not put up your own profile with a killer picture and have a bit of fun yourself? As I sit here at 2 AM myself contemplating sending my own xBF a text... Do as I say, not as I do???
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Don't do it. Especially don't confront him, even in a "non-confrontational manner, about being on Match. Why not put up your own profile with a killer picture and have a bit of fun yourself? As I sit here at 2 AM myself contemplating sending my own xBF a text... Do as I say, not as I do??? YES KARMA! I re-thought it all and I will put my profile out there for him to see. I will definitely come up in his search.. will it piss him off I wonder? He is the one who broke it off with me, right??
ahhhchooo Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Entirely depends on if you can really handle just a friendship. I tried it with my ex and got extremely frustrated about being low on the list of priorities. It's because I wanted her back, I loved her, etc, that I couldn't bear the thought of removing her from my life. But I would act needy toward her, telling her I missed her, I'll always be here, I'm at your service your majesty... Every day it just killed me that I couldn't get her to reciprocate. If you are still in love with him I think a friendship is a bad idea. It will make you feel worthless for his benefit - not yours.
Karma101 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 will it piss him off I wonder? You'll definitely know if he views your profile! Gotta love Match's "Who's Viewed Me" option...
gd26 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 YES KARMA! I re-thought it all and I will put my profile out there for him to see. I will definitely come up in his search.. will it piss him off I wonder? He is the one who broke it off with me, right?? The fact that you are willing to put up a profile to make him see it... that clearly shows that you are NOT over him, and not ready to be friends. You are simply prolonging your pain by not moving forwards... If you want to put up a profile to meet OTHER men, that's just great. But don't be stalking his profile on Match. That just prevents you from moving forwards. Plus, he will also be able to see that you viewed his profile as well.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 The fact that you are willing to put up a profile to make him see it... that clearly shows that you are NOT over him, and not ready to be friends. You are simply prolonging your pain by not moving forwards... If you want to put up a profile to meet OTHER men, that's just great. But don't be stalking his profile on Match. That just prevents you from moving forwards. Plus, he will also be able to see that you viewed his profile as well. Oh no, please do not misunderstand.. my girlfriend was here trying to cheer me up and after talking to her, she thought it would be the best thing to get back on the horse and start dating.. this moping had to stop. She was right.. we looked at a few profiles and I thought.. what the heck. So I went in and created my profile. It was when I ran my matches, that I found his profile. I was not looking for him.. My heart actually stopped beating when I saw it because I was shocked. Is that him??? yup.. that's him. now my other dilemma is that I accidentally hit that stupid "wink" icon so now I am in a situation.. he will know I winked at him. I quickly went in and shut off my profile, so now, he'll get that error profile not found. I really really don't know what to do with that. It was a total accident. I'm not interested in playing games at all. I'm actually just - I don't know - thinking that I need to move on and that means date others. I want to turn my profile on, but by doing so I worry what he will think... But really why the hell should I? He's already made his mind up about me, correct?
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 NOw i'm stressed about this damage control.. should I just email him on Match and tell him - hey, how are you.. guess who came up in my matches? Hope all is well and good luck with your searches. I mean, I'm seriously getting over this really quickly.. i should have had my friends over earlier this week.. they really helped me see -- it's HIS LOSS. Let him go and date.. date 100 women. Who cares. I can date 100 men if I want too. I deserve to go out and have fun just as much as he is -- why should I sit on the couch crying while he is moving on? I'm done -- but damage control.. any suggestions there??
Island Girl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Do not contact him in any way. He already saw a crazy side and chances are he is not reminiscing about you. An e-mail out of the blue will just seem like more of the same from his perception and it doesn't matter how you type it or what you say. Realize that you deserve some one who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and start getting out to have fun while finding him!
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Do not contact him in any way. He already saw a crazy side and chances are he is not reminiscing about you. An e-mail out of the blue will just seem like more of the same from his perception and it doesn't matter how you type it or what you say. Realize that you deserve some one who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and start getting out to have fun while finding him! I agree! The problem is I already accidentally clicked on that Wink on his profile.. he will see I winked at him! I don't know what to do now because I can't date if I can't turn my profile back on! know what I mean? I don't want him to think I winked at him!
Karma101 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Nothing you can do know. He will automatically be sent an email with your profile picture as having sent a wink. Even if you have subsequently hidden your profile, he will still be sent your picture in that email. When he clicks on your picture, it will say profile unavailable. Even if you didn't "accidentally" wink, he would have known you had viewed his profile page. Honestly? You are not helping your "I'm not crazy" case. It's only been 2 weeks and you admitted that he had to actually ask you to stop contacting him. Now it looks like you're stalking him on Match since you've initiated contact with him there. Even if it was an accidental wink, he'd never buy that. Don't send him an email. He'll probably just pull his profile at this point anyway. Believe me, I know all to well how hard this is. Give yourself time to heal.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Nothing you can do know. He will automatically be sent an email with your profile picture as having sent a wink. Even if you have subsequently hidden your profile, he will still be sent your picture in that email. When he clicks on your picture, it will say profile unavailable. Even if you didn't "accidentally" wink, he would have known you had viewed his profile page. Honestly? You are not helping your "I'm not crazy" case. It's only been 2 weeks and you admitted that he had to actually ask you to stop contacting him. Now it looks like you're stalking him on Match since you've initiated contact with him there. Even if it was an accidental wink, he'd never buy that. Don't send him an email. He'll probably just pull his profile at this point anyway. Believe me, I know all to well how hard this is. Give yourself time to heal. Well too late - i sent him a very brief email about it. I am not concerned any longer because I am on there to date and get on with my life just as he is.. he will understand that I am sure.
lonelygurl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 My advice from my own personal experience. DO NOT contact him at all!! Get on with your life. You do not sound ready to date. I suggest as I did, just make friends on match (male and female) and do the get togethers, but without the thought of dating. I had some good times with the group get togethers. If he sees your profile so be it, but it is really hard to do...be on match with him on there. WHen I found out my X (now fiance) was on match at the same time he pulled his profile and it was for the best. Seeing his profile only dug the knife deeper. It takes time to get over this and you may never completely be over it, but he needs to to reassess how he feels. If you stay in contact you don't give him the chance to get past the negatives of the relationship. My fiance contacted me six months after he left, through a family member of mine, but I had cut off all contact including closing my email address and getting a new one that he didn't know. If he wants to get in contact with you, let him do it in his own time. But don't sit around waiting, because he may never and you are only prolonging the hurt you feel. I know how hard this is. I was completely in love and he ripped my heart out. He had a steady girlfriend in less than 2 weeks, and that was while I allowed him to come around for a good time while he figured out what he wanted. I learned the hard way that he was really just waiting to see if his new relationship would work, and when he figured it would that was it. I did email him but it was to tell him that I wished him the best in his life. I learned the lesson the hard way. I know how tempting it is to contact, but I really suggest you don't.
lonelygurl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 PS there is an option on match that you can turn off so no one knows you viewed their profile. Search around for it. That way you can check out anyone's profile and they don't know.
Intergalactic Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Entirely depends on if you can really handle just a friendship. I tried it with my ex and got extremely frustrated about being low on the list of priorities. It's because I wanted her back, I loved her, etc, that I couldn't bear the thought of removing her from my life. But I would act needy toward her, telling her I missed her, I'll always be here, I'm at your service your majesty... Every day it just killed me that I couldn't get her to reciprocate. sounds exactly like me with my ex bf ;(
Treasa Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Now, I'm divorced and living on my own (his is final now too). Now is the time I am in a healthier place to have a great relationship, but he only saw the crazy nutso girl at the end, where I wouldn't let him go, kept texting calling, ugh.. i was bad. He had enough. Said don't call or text again.. yada yada.. I know if I left things alone... we'd still be in contact, even if only a text or so once a week.. just to see how we were doing. I asked if he loved me at all.. his response was "yes.. i do.. as a person but you aggravate me beyond belief." It's only been a few weeks. There's no way you've gone from being clingy and needy for him to fine on your own. Your actions demonstrate that. My honest advice from having been in your situation is to stop contacting him, stop looking at his Match.com profile, and stop thinking about how perfect you are for him and vice versa. You need time alone. I don't think you should be dating anyone right now. I do think you should be out having fun, pursuing hobbies and goals, etc., but I also think you should consider seeing a good therapist. I've done that, and it's been extremely helpful. I used to be very clingy and needy, and it took me a while to get past that. But it did NOT happen in a matter of a few weeks. Good luck, and keep us updated.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Everyone, I appreciate your concern, I really do! But I AM in therapy and while i know i have been haywire (ups and downs over the past few weeks), sometimes things just click. You find out he is actually dating, you get over the shock and hurt that he just didn't feel the same way. It sucks.. but i have cried for SO long, my body just cannot take it anymore. I've isolated myself from my friends in the past, but this week, they have all come together for me and come to my house to hang out, get me feeling better. They are the ones that said, just put your profile out there.. meet someone for coffee just to talk. I like that idea. I am clear that I am not looking for a "relationship" at present in my profile, just someone to do fun stuff with, companion, get to know each other, see if a friendship forms, then whatever.. I need to branch out my circle of close friends for the time being - for my own well-being. He also told me in the final days, "go date XXXXXX, just go date other people. That's what you need to do." I have been "alone" for several months now as I have not seen him since July. Physically seen him since July. From July to August, we text'd maybe once a week, but the other times, I did not call or text him. I did my own thing, went to dinner alone.. went to bars alone - kept up at the gym. My life was in disarray from 8/15 til oh, beginning of September becuase that is when i moved out of my home into a new one. Lots going on for me and now my house is settled. My ex is moving on.. it's time for me to move on as well.
hurting22 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I know how this feels. I was engaged to someone and we just broke up. I want SO badly to call or e-mail him, but I know that it's over and it would just prolong the hurt. Unless years have passed, like three years, since you last interacted, I would not get in touch with him. If you do, I think there's an 80 percent chance he'll say, "no thanks." I wouldn't go there.
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