mia1266 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 NEW. Thats the bottom line imo. We can never be someone "new" to our partner.No matter how hard we try. After sifting through his midlife psychobabble and reading many posts I cant help feeling that way. The things that burned a whole through my soul are how I was complete garbage to him simply because I was no longer wanted and the rewriting of our history. I feel like I dont even have a history that I share with him. No past with him as well as no future with him. Even my body was garbage, he began beating me. I was the mother of his child. Honest, my faults became unbearable. When we hurt another to protect ourselves we are taking a human shield.Yes to protect his conscience I was sacrificed. My faults were either magnified or fabricated. I lost respect for him as a human being & I cant be with a man I have no respect for. The irony of it is he left me to live like a teen and 2 yrs later Im the one on motorcycles with men young enough to be my son. And he has been depressed in his apartment. He never did get to all that fun he planned. He was so heartless. He said he didnt care I was hurting because it was my own fault for "allowing" it to hurt. What drivle. I was ripped apart on another forum for saying this but it made me feel so good when I found out he saw me with a young guy on a motorcycle. Im sorry if that offends anyone but thats how I felt. Delighted. And delighted at his anger over it. I was also ripped apart for saying I felt unattractive around him after I became aware of certain activities. I guess they thought I was shallow for wanting to feel beautiful when Im intimate with my partner.Because they were above needing to feel beautiful with their partner. Isnt it natural though? I want to stop hating him for me not him. The pain is still so bad.Thanks for listening, its nice to be here.
april1325 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I dont find it offensive that you got pleasure out of his anger for seeing you with a younger guy. I think it is normal. It lets you know that he still has feelings for you and it shows that he is jealous. it makes you feel wanted. You know the saying " You always want what you cant have". So live it up. After what you have been through sounds like you deserve those little moments of delight.
april1325 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 It is also perfectly normal to want to feel attractive. What is wrong wanting to feel good about yourself?
Author mia1266 Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 Thank you april. I think its more of a shock if you lose someone due to infidelity because most times the marriage wasnt eroded or dead when it happened and we are blindsided by it.
Angel1111 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Any man who beats a woman deserves way worse than he got. I think it's hysterical that he knows about the other guy because that's the absolute worse thing in the world that can happen to abusive men. They create disaster in their lives and that's all they know, the only thing they know how to create. But regardless of how disgusting these men are, they can make you feel like you're the lowest person on earth. If it makes you feel any better, that is what the majority of abusive men do - they cheat and make you feel like crap. He knew what your weakest, most vunerable places were and went for them - your self-esteem and your trust. Don't let him ruin your faith in people because he doesn't represent the majority. Just know that no matter how personal it felt, it wasn't - he hates himself and everything he did to you was how he really felt about himself. Now you know.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I'm going to tread carefully here but I do have some advice. First of all, what you are feeling is COMPLETELY a natural reaction to infidelity. It is amazing how crazy it can make you. How you can go from being confident, happy and loving life, to feeling like a miserable pile of crap ALL because of someone elses actions. It takes some time, BUT eventually, you've got to take ownership of your feelings. Even though you know his actions can't change who you are, YOU are actually allowing them to. At some point you've got to let it go, and I mean LET IT GO COMPLETELY. To the point that you could care less what he does, it doesn't affect who you are, it affects who HE is, whether HE sees it or not. Riding on the back of motorcycles, with kids young enough to be your son, is not what you need to feel better about yourself. Revenge, ect... perpetuates the negative. I understand completely being compelled to do so, but it is in itself a self-defeating action. No one in this world is going to love you more than you love you. Figure out what Mia deserves and wants out of life. (Given time to grieve) You can be as happy or sad as you care to be. It is possible, but not as long as you associate someone elses choices with your selfworth. It takes some work and some time to get right but I swear to you its worth it. Mia, Truly, whether he is happy, sad, depressed, jealous, or sleeping with every woman in town, it shouldn't make beans to the choices you have today. You have a choice to nurture, and to care for yourself. You have a choice to stand infront of the mirror and think you must be crap if he didn't love you. And guess what, what ever you choose.... has nothing to do with how he makes himself feel today. Understand that whether you have been married for 5 years or 50, you are two separate individuals and are both responsible to yourselves for the feelings you allow or disallow. Good Luck, honey, I am very sorry for your pain.
Author mia1266 Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 I am starting to let go. Its so slow though. I let go of him months ago but the shock still has me. I just could never be with him again. I think he was suprised I said no when he wanted to reconcile. The young guy wasnt revenge I would have gone out with him regardless. After crying for a year I need a bit of light hearted fun. I have been doing fun things with my girlfriends too like make overs and going to comedy shows. I think fun and laughter help us. No not as a replacement for getting professional help but in situations where time to heal is all thats needed. And I dont mean a good time at anothers expense or drugs and self destruction. Just natural fun and laughter.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Your exactly right Mia. I don't know if you have kids, but when you think about the things you want for their future, it's never for me, money, good looking spouse, nice house, ect.... I want them to be happy, and to love and respect themselves, because if those things are dependent on you then no one can take th em away. The initial shock is overwhelming, physically and emotionally but then you've got to work your hiny off to let it go! Good girlfriends are the best! Good Luck, IWWH
porter218 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Mia, you should always try to remember that the best thing he ever did for you was to leave. He freed you from his grasp and that should feel glorious. I am glad you are starting to enjoy your life again. Just do everything in your power to shift the focus back to yourself and let him slip out of your mind forever. As long as he has you thinking about him then he still wins a little bit...and I know you don't want that. I am sure your future is much brighter now that he isn't blocking the sun. Good luck!
OWoman Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 NEW. Thats the bottom line imo. We can never be someone "new" to our partner.No matter how hard we try. After sifting through his midlife psychobabble and reading many posts I cant help feeling that way. The things that burned a whole through my soul are how I was complete garbage to him simply because I was no longer wanted and the rewriting of our history. I feel like I dont even have a history that I share with him. No past with him as well as no future with him. Even my body was garbage, he began beating me. I was the mother of his child. Honest, my faults became unbearable. When we hurt another to protect ourselves we are taking a human shield.Yes to protect his conscience I was sacrificed. My faults were either magnified or fabricated. I lost respect for him as a human being & I cant be with a man I have no respect for. The irony of it is he left me to live like a teen and 2 yrs later Im the one on motorcycles with men young enough to be my son. And he has been depressed in his apartment. He never did get to all that fun he planned. He was so heartless. He said he didnt care I was hurting because it was my own fault for "allowing" it to hurt. What drivle. I was ripped apart on another forum for saying this but it made me feel so good when I found out he saw me with a young guy on a motorcycle. Im sorry if that offends anyone but thats how I felt. Delighted. And delighted at his anger over it. I was also ripped apart for saying I felt unattractive around him after I became aware of certain activities. I guess they thought I was shallow for wanting to feel beautiful when Im intimate with my partner.Because they were above needing to feel beautiful with their partner. Isnt it natural though? I want to stop hating him for me not him. The pain is still so bad.Thanks for listening, its nice to be here. Nobody deserves to be beaten or abused by their partners. Ever. Whatever you may have said or done, or not said or done, nothing justifies that. You're well out of it. Don't look back.
Author mia1266 Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 owoman thank you. I even told him last year I dont want him to feel bad for not wanting me but for how he treated me. He refused me that little bit. That would have helped me with closure. Believe it or not the emotional abuse did the most damage. It was so bad that I am being treated for post traumatic stress disorder.
fingersniffer Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 "Something the other man is that you are not." I'm not sure that I'm reading this corrrectly, but if I am, then here's what that sniffling slimeball piece of filthy sh@t is: I am a good person, I am considerate, I am and always have been in love with my wife I am a decent person I am human I am not someone to take advantage of others I am not self centred Heres what he is, well, heres some of what he is: Self gratifying, lying, cheating, scum, a**hole arogant, irresponsible, a horribel husband a really, REALLY sh@t father to his kids subhuman, dispicible. There are other words too, but I dont know if LS will let me include them. Rhymes with Pucker is one of them.
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 I don't think it is the fact that the 'new' relationship is just 'new' ... I think that true unconditional love is a choice. In our society marriage is not looked at as something to be cherished or respected...it's seen as a contract for most people. I think that married persons get 80% of what they need from the spouse and desperately look for the missing 20% from the OW/OM. What ends up happening 99.9% of the time is that once the spouse settles for the 20% they realize they gave up 80%. My advice - Watch some Tyler Perry movies...they help!!!
DealingWDrama Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 WHAT A MINUTE!!!! I just read some more of the threads...if he laid one finger on you out of anger (beat you) he doesn't deserve jack squat...so sympathy at all of an abuser! Congratulations to you for being strong enough to leave the situation. My mother stayed in a VERY abusive relatioship for years...until he met the 'love of his life' on the internet and left her...now him and that love of his are D and he is still larking for women to take advantage of and mentally, physically, and emotionally abuse. You did the right thing. Remember, it takes up to 5 years for someone to get over a divorce...stay strong...pray...give yourself time and rebuild yourself. hugs.
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