how to be a good girlfriend?

[girlonajourney]

brand new to this posting thing... im having an internal conflict. im a single mom of 1 child, with a bitchin career, but i have a history of always leaving situations. i will create a life for myself in one city, date men, make awesome friends, land a great job, but then 6 mos to a couple years later i find myself itching to move on and i will cut all ties. i cant seem to commit to anything. i recognize the prob, but cant force myself to hold still. i just moved again a month ago, started over. i met a really incredible man about 3 mos ago, who is honestly the most genuine and sincere person ive ever crossed paths with, the guy needs to be awarded some sort of trophy, im not kidding...he is a few years older than me however, and i can tell he wants to settle down and be serious, have a family, that sort of thing. he told me the other night that he is falling in love with me. i was married when i was 18, stayed in a bad bad abusive marraige for years... that was the only long term relationship ive ever had with a man, and i feel like its ruined my trust and my self esteem. i can feel that im going to end up breaking his heart and mine. some nights i dont answer the phone when he calls. i ignore the calls for a day or two. not to be rude, or to hurt him, but i start feeling as if this scenario is way to good to be true, its smothering me. it confuses him when i ignore him, he says it really bothers him, but he keeps hanging in there with me, and i keep apologizing. i always realize after ignoring him, that if i threw away his friendship i would be losing so much. ive never valued a friendship like this before, yet i keep treating him like dirt. i wish i knew how people stay put, stay content with their lives... geez i sound like a brat...

[SweetGuy99]

There are some really great guys out there--who, quite frankly, do not deserve this kind of treatment. It kills me every time I hear about a good guy getting his heart ripped apart because the woman he was falling in love with had some kind of personal problem with the situation, and decided to hide the problem and simply treat him "just like any other guy".

 

You're not answering the phone? You're avoiding him? Why do women play these games? The key to every successful relationship is COMMUNICATION. Tell him how you're feeling, tell him about your past, how you have commitment problems, how you're scared to take the relationship further. You may be surprised at how understanding and compassionate he is--and how you can work together to put your fears to rest.

 

I understand that this may be easier to say than do--especially if you have been traumatized by a past relationship. But just let me say: if the guy truly loves you, he will understand--and he will do his utmost to make you as comfortable as possible.

 

Trust me: there are still good guys out there. They're not all dogs.

 

But avoiding him? Ignoring his phone calls? How do you ever expect to have a meaningful relationship with anyone if you're not willing to communicate? The moment you stop communication (and, trust me, he knows you're doing it on purpose) you start sending mixed signals.

 

At first, he will be confused and hurt (even though that's not your intention. Yes, he will be hurt). After that, it's only a matter of time before he forces himself to believe that his love was misplaced ... even though it might have been in the right place all along ... and he forces himself to move on. (Ask yourself if you truly want that to happen.) If he is truly in love with you, you have no idea what kind of pain you're going to put this guy through--just because you couldn't be honest with him.

 

Seriously, stop with the games already. Talk to him.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh: I just see this all the time; it's like there's this widespread notion that all men are pigs--which is simply not true.

[westrock]

SweetGuy99 is right on.

 

i start feeling as if this scenario is way to good to be true, its smothering me.

 

Sounds like you have a great guy, who really cares about you. But, your actions are not fair to your guy and more importantly, they are not fair to you... you need to start working on changing your beliefs and ways otherwise you will subconscioulsly sabotage the relationship and things will end up exactly as you are predicting... "way too good to be true".

 

The best thing you can do is talk to your guy. He will understand. Explain to him about your past so he knows that he is not doing anything wrong, otherwise he will think you are not interested.

 

best of luck!

[paddington bear]

im a single mom of 1 child, with a bitchin career, but i have a history of always leaving situations. i will create a life for myself in one city, date men, make awesome friends, land a great job, but then 6 mos to a couple years later i find myself itching to move on and i will cut all ties. i cant seem to commit to anything.

 

some nights i dont answer the phone when he calls. i ignore the calls for a day or two. not to be rude, or to hurt him, but i start feeling as if this scenario is way to good to be true, its smothering me. it confuses him when i ignore him, he says it really bothers him, but he keeps hanging in there with me, and i keep apologizing. i always realize after ignoring him, that if i threw away his friendship i would be losing so much. ive never valued a friendship like this before, yet i keep treating him like dirt. i wish i knew how people stay put, stay content with their lives... geez i sound like a brat...

 

How old is your child. This is not just about you and your love life. Do you keep moving apartments, cities?? Your need to keep moving is probably not so great for your child who is then forced to make new friends, adjust to a new place every time you get itchy feet. Sorry, not being totally judgemental, I'm only saying that as a way to maybe make you think that your desire to keep changing does not only affect you, but your child and might be one way to make you stop.

 

Sounds to me like you are sabotaging a good thing as soon as it gets too happy, too real and stable - no doubt due to the abusive relationship you were in before. You're unconsciously messing it up before it even gets a chance to get off the ground so that you don't end up truly hurt again.

 

Your guy sounds like a keeper, but he probably doesn't know what on earth is going on with you. Maybe you should explain to him exactly what you wrote here and say that you don't want to lose him, but that you recognise this aspect of yourself that needs change.

 

You say you have a bitchin' career (lucky you!!). For me, I like to have one thing that is stable and secure, like say an apartment that I know I can stay in for as long as I like, if everything else is up in the air that's fine, so long as one thing is secure. Can your relationship with this guy, your child, and where you live be the three constants in your life and then rather than messing those three things up with your restlessness, you get the excitement you crave from your career or making an effort to do different things within the constraints of your current life, like going away at weekends, trying new stuff?