SuaveWazoo Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Hey there. I'm new, and just want some feedback and comments to my situation. A little background info between me and my ex. We are both university students (I'm 19, she's 20). She is my first girlfriend, and subsequently, my first serious love. She started dating me almost immediately after she broke up with her first boyfriend of 2.5 years. That previous relationship was quite traumatic for her because there was a lot of emotional investment between them, and it was also a long distance relationship where they were separated by 3 time zones (so they were apart by 3 hours). Essentially, that relationship stressed her out, and when she started dating me she intended for it to be casual. However, it is my first relationship and therein laid the problems on my end. Although I would have also tried to make it casual, I had no previous experience to build off upon and I trusted my intuition alot...and sometimes when I acted on my gut feeling I made things harder on her because I would end up getting very concerned about whether or not the relationship was progressing well (whenever there was even a little problem) and being hard on myself. This stressed her out and was the reason why our disagreements ever got more heated than it should be. This all seems silly to me now to even think I would have even acted this way. But what can you say? It was a learning experience for me, and currently I feel that I have really understood and made aware to myself what problems I had. Even though she wanted a casual relationship, she started falling for me too. She thinks I'm really sweet, and she even says that she loves me. While we were going through the relationship, she tried to keep it together just as much as I did. But to her, the relationship felt stagnant. I was apparently struggling with some of the same relationship problems that she and her ex dealt with previous to me. Perhaps it reminded her too much of the problems she had with her ex? Either way, the fact is that right now she really cannot commit to a relationship that is this serious; that ever since her first ex, she has had problems being attached to anyone. She tells me that she really is not looking for any kind of relationship at all, and that even she herself does not know what she wants out of a relationship. Therefore, she says that it would be unfair for me if I have all these strong feelings of attachment when she herself likes me but really can't return the same level of attachment. We have been very communicative during the relationship, and we both at least understand what direction each of us feels like we should take. We both have each other's best interests at heart, and I know she really does care about me because she even told me that despite her commitment issues, she really does like me. But essentially, she tells me that she cannot take on that level of commitment yet, and that I should start to see other people and not wait for her. This hurts because I feel like I am growing in the relationship and that I am working on solving my own issues within it, yet she is not willing to give it another try. She has even stated that I would gain greater relationship experience if I dated other people, and that if we were to get back together again she would rather me have dated someone else for a time so I can really put what I have learned into practice and translate that into fuller experience. I can see how she may be burned out from emotionally invested relationships. Right now, she is putting her heart and soul into school and work. Which is a top priority, I must admit. But here I am, wanting to try to work it out and make things more accommodating for both of us because I feel like I am learning my lessons from the relationship and maturing responsibly from it. But just the fact that she really does not want to give us another try when I am willing to must mean some sort of inability to trust and commit to a relationship on her part. I really do care about her, and I know she does care about me...but it is difficult to put rational thought higher than sad emotions right now for me. She is going to study abroad starting January for that semester, so I do not thing we can really rekindle anything serious until she comes back (and that is the next summer of 2009). Any thoughts and comments? I really do miss her and I even though I know that it is best to let her go for her to slay her own demons, I really do feel like I would really want a second chance with her in the future when we both are on the same level.
norajane Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 She gave you very good guidance. You have a different view, but she's right. Every relationship, including non-romantic relationships, offers you the opportunity to learn and grow. Everyone brings out different things in you, things you didn't even know were in there, maybe. She is not the only one who can help you work things out about yourself and relationships, and she doesn't want to be. Go out and live your life - you have a lot of it ahead of you. So much time and opportunity to become the man you want to be. If there's something there between you, you'll circle back to each other at some point in the future. But it's not right for now.
Red_Apple Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Hey SuaveWazoo, I think she's right that you will learn more from relationships, but that doesn't explain at all why she doesn't want to be with you. I read your post, and my thoughts on it are: - She doesn't want a relationship with you b/c she just doesn't feel the same way for you. In reality, she does want a long-term relationship, but not just with you - She needs growing herself - She's basically telling you she's not ready to be in a relationship with you Do not feel inadequate. You are perfectly right to try to accomodate and work things out. Every partner in a relationship should try to work things out if it's possible. I think you have learned a great deal from your relationship with her, and you could date someone else, or have time alone. I don't recommend jumping from point A to B though! Now, your feelings for her, you will feel them again for someone else. I know the feeling - you think you'll only feel this way for one person. In reality, it's not true. You will love again.
girlonajourney Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 i've never posted or replied to posts before until tonight but i must say, it seems as if im in a position similar to your ex, so maybe could give you some general insight from a girl's perspective. 19/20 years old is such a young age to be serious. you probably hate hearing that but its true. sounds like she's trying to do things in the proper order, school first, serious relationship later, which really does make things easier down the road... if things are meant to be with her, then they will be. you should maybe focus on tasting life, so that when the time comes youll have richer, more rewarding relationships
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