SuaveWazoo Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Hey there. I'm new, and just want some feedback and comments to my situation. A little background info between me and my ex. We are both university students (I'm 19, she's 20). She is my first girlfriend, and subsequently, my first serious love. She started dating me almost immediately after she broke up with her first boyfriend of 2.5 years. That previous relationship was quite traumatic for her because there was a lot of emotional investment between them, and it was also a long distance relationship where they were separated by 3 time zones (so they were apart by 3 hours). Essentially, that relationship stressed her out, and when she started dating me she intended for it to be casual. However, it is my first relationship and therein laid the problems on my end. Although I would have also tried to make it casual, I had no previous experience to build off upon and I trusted my intuition alot...and sometimes when I acted on my gut feeling I made things harder on her because I would end up getting very concerned about whether or not the relationship was progressing well (whenever there was even a little problem) and being hard on myself. This stressed her out and was the reason why our disagreements ever got more heated than it should be. This all seems silly to me now to even think I would have even acted this way. But what can you say? It was a learning experience for me, and currently I feel that I have really understood and made aware to myself what problems I had. Even though she wanted a casual relationship, she started falling for me too. She thinks I'm really sweet, and she even says that she loves me. While we were going through the relationship, she tried to keep it together just as much as I did. But to her, the relationship felt stagnant. I was apparently struggling with some of the same relationship problems that she and her ex dealt with previous to me. Perhaps it reminded her too much of the problems she had with her ex? Either way, the fact is that right now she really cannot commit to a relationship that is this serious; that ever since her first ex, she has had problems being attached to anyone. She tells me that she really is not looking for any kind of relationship at all, and that even she herself does not know what she wants out of a relationship. Therefore, she says that it would be unfair for me if I have all these strong feelings of attachment when she herself likes me but really can't return the same level of attachment. We have been very communicative during the relationship, and we both at least understand what direction each of us feels like we should take. We both have each other's best interests at heart, and I know she really does care about me because she even told me that despite her commitment issues, she really does like me. But essentially, she tells me that she cannot take on that level of commitment yet, and that I should start to see other people and not wait for her. This hurts because I feel like I am growing in the relationship and that I am working on solving my own issues within it, yet she is not willing to give it another try. She has even stated that I would gain greater relationship experience if I dated other people, and that if we were to get back together again she would rather me have dated someone else for a time so I can really put what I have learned into practice and translate that into fuller experience. I can see how she may be burned out from emotionally invested relationships. Right now, she is putting her heart and soul into school and work. Which is a top priority, I must admit. But here I am, wanting to try to work it out and make things more accommodating for both of us because I feel like I am learning my lessons from the relationship and maturing responsibly from it. But just the fact that she really does not want to give us another try when I am willing to must mean some sort of inability to trust and commit to a relationship on her part. I really do care about her, and I know she does care about me...but it is difficult to put rational thought higher than sad emotions right now for me. She is going to study abroad starting January for that semester, so I do not thing we can really rekindle anything serious until she comes back (and that is the next summer of 2009). Any thoughts and comments? I really do miss her and I even though I know that it is best to let her go for her to slay her own demons, I really do feel like I would really want a second chance with her in the future when we both are on the same level.
Ronni_W Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 SW, I'm reading that you suspect you became insecure and needy in the relationship (wanted/needed more time, assurance and/or attention than she was reasonably able, willing and obligated to give you) -- is that accurate?
westrock Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 You have done nothing wrong. Right now she is not able to have a romantic relationship with you or anyone else to the extent that you would like. You're still young.. the best thing for you to do is to be thankful for the experience and times you had with her and then be open to finding someone else who will recognize you for all the great qualities that you have to offer. If you are comfortable with maintaining contact with her, do so, but do not have any expectations at this time and be open to meeting other women.
Author SuaveWazoo Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 To Ronni W: Yes, that is pretty much true and on the spot.
Ronni_W Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 To Ronni W: Yes, that is pretty much true and on the spot. That's a good thing...cos it is under your TOTAL control to change your own habits and patterns that you have learned are not productive when it comes to romantic (and platonic) relationships . You wrote: "I know that it is best to let her go for her to slay her own demons," Which may or may not be true for her. But YOUR reality is that you need to slay your own demons...IF you want to have successful relationships in the future. That is, you need to "re-engineer" your own beliefs and thought-patterns that cause you to feel and act insecure and needy. Like I said, that is an 'inside job' for you. You wouldn't be able to eliminate the self-defeating thoughts and behaviour just by being in another relationship -- more likely, you'd just end up dragging this emotional "baggage" with you and adding more crap to it, instead of lightening the load. So...do you have any ideas howcome you ended up feeling insecure and needy? OTHER THAN it was your first relationship and you were inexperienced, that is. Not everyone gets like that just because it is their first. FYI. It is about why and how YOU reacted (what went on inside of you that caused you to react a certain way), and not so much about what SHE did or didn't do. That is, it is about trying to uncover what, in general, triggers YOUR neediness and insecurities -- make your self-reflections about you, cos that is the only person over whom you have control.
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