Her Past

[sweet&simple]

that is true, however...although I can certainly understand the arguments that people should disclose the past, I really see NO reason that people should disclose that their ex did something better, especially sexually, which is an area where nobody's REALLY that confident.

 

 

 

yeah, after the second post, I'm not really sure what you want out of her, but if she is really telling you that other guys "f*cked her harder" then I don't think that you guys are really meant to be. if that's something that you're imagining or something, then I suggest some therapy.

 

Oh no, don't get me wrong-- I don't think a SO should throw that in their partners face or anything like that.. I'm seriously not saying that at all. I'm just saying that I don't want the poster to have unreal expectations that they'll be the best everything their partner has ever had. Of course it's COMPLETELY inappropriate for someone to say that to their SO, no doubt.

 

And I agree with the second part-- if she's saying that to you, obviously she's not the type of person you want. But if you're just thinking this on your own given her sexual past, you've got some serious issues you need to work out.

[Sup]

I don't know, I just sort of feel like "college", "young age" or a "broken heart" or "trying to find yourself sexually" shouldn't be considered a blanket excuse to cheat, sleep around, engage in risky behavior (group sex) etc.

 

I wish having a view like that didn't make society automatically assume that you're a judgmental, narrow-minded prick and that your SO is just "sexually free and liberated."

 

Ostracizing people who look down on casual sex is the same as ostracizing people who sleep around. Maybe it isn't universal but instead two different schools of thought.

 

 

You forgot ostracizing virgins as well, talk about hypocracy in a very bad form. I can see how the poster would feel jipped. Makes one think that there's no reward for doing right.

[Alma Mobley]

I have to wonder ... how do you know such details? Did she tell you that she has had bigger penises? Or are you assuming? Or are you asking? (NEVER ask, dude.)

 

As I am not sure what has gone on here pertaining to your communication with her, I will have to rely on my (sadly) stock advice.

 

If you two are in love and really care about one another, you definitely will explore each other in both physical and emotional places where "no one has gone before."

 

However, if you are too hung up on who has had sex with whom or done this or done that, break up with her and date around for a few years. At some point, her (as in the general "her," as your current gf will be long gone) "past" will lose all power and you will find it means less and less over the years.

[soconfused01]

Sounds like the problem here isn't that she has a past, it's that she compared you negatively to it. That's ****ed up. What you need from her now is her reassurance and to build your confidence again. Ask her what you do that she really likes. Therapy may help for both of you (separate sessions!!) for you, you can tell you therapist all the things you are thinking, without telling your GF because they would probably hurt her. And hopefully your GF can get some advice about how NOT to **** with your head like that.

 

I think these things can be overcome if your GF has only made this mistake once and stops this behavior immediately and has nothing but praise for your sexual skills in the future. If this keep happening (which is my situation) I'm afraid your strength will run out sometime. And believe me, if you want to undertake the immensely difficult and painful task of trying to get over this hurt instead of wipe your slate clean with someone else, you should make sure she's not going to do this again.

 

 

oh, and rent the movie Chasing Amy- it helps with dealing with the whole having a slutty past thing, but notsomuch with the purposefully comparing your partner thing. still, worth a watch.

[AAlike]

I don't know, I just sort of feel like "college", "young age" or a "broken heart" or "trying to find yourself sexually" shouldn't be considered a blanket excuse to cheat, sleep around, engage in risky behavior (group sex) etc.

 

there is no excuse to cheat.

 

you can talk about "risky behavior" but I think that you and I both know that your problem with your situation has nothing to do with that.

 

You're still talking about an "excuse." The fact that you are even using that word makes it seem pretty clear to me that you've drawn a line in the sand here...and that line has actually gotten more pronounced since you started your thread. I don't think that this is entirely your fault as from what I have gathered your BF's behavior about the whole thing has been dodgy instead of just being absolute and helping you move past it...but in any case, i'm starting to think that you might be better off cutting bait. it was one thing when I thought that you were focusing solely on the "shock" of the threesome and singling it out from other casual sex, but now the casual sex as a whole is bothering you. I would argue that the huge "importance" of casual sex is only placed on it by those that haven't had it, but it's clearly a problem for you, and that's OK.

 

if you do decide to move on, however, I would strongly strongly suggest taking a look back and deciding what has REALLY bothered you about this, because I have a feeling that this problem will follow you into plenty of relationships if you do not.

[AAlike]

If she tells you this flat out, she really is emotionally dumb and has no class. Why would she say this to you? Yes, please find someone else! If she cared about you, she wouldn't want to hurt you in this way

 

agreed, but for some reason people have a penchant for asking this kind of question, despite the complete lack of good things that can come of it. not saying that OP asked, but it would surprise me if she just spewed it out totally unprompted.

[onlyicansee]

No I asked, I asked all the questions... I wanted to know just how much of a slut she really is, and with each and every question comes the worse possible answer that I could ever imagine to hear.

[AAlike]

No I asked, I asked all the questions... I wanted to know just how much of a slut she really is, and with each and every question comes the worse possible answer that I could ever imagine to hear.

 

That's what I thought. what could she have possibly told you that would have been a good result?

[v33]

If you have such problem that she has slept with people in the past and obsess on it constantly you are with this woman for the wrong reasons and need to get some help with your insecurity.

 

It's reasonable to feel a little jealous if you think of the details of her sleeping with someone in the past (and how do you know so much about it, I bet you asked then got mad when she told you about it), but she had a life of her own before she met you. So did you. She isn't screwing anyone now, she doesn't have a disease and you two have your own story.

 

If her past if consumes your thoughts so much you are focusing on history and something that can't be changed then all the while you are missing out on all that matters, the present. You will never be able to honestly and %100 enjoy your time and life with her if you attention is divided between the past and the present. Find a way to let it go, the only thing you can change is your perception and reaction to the whole thing.

[onlyicansee]

I dont know you know I had issues with it at first, and then I thought I had gotten myself over it. Sexy started to heat back up, and with it came this overwhelming feeling of anxiety that the only reason my girl can **** so good is because all these other guys ****ed her. Everything she does that I enjoy I know that some other guy enjoyed her doing it too. Every time she gives me head I remind myself she has had so many other dicks in her mouth too. Everytime I kiss her I picture it. When I go down on her I picture it. I hate it.

 

And, then not only were there so many, but they were so slutty, and so rique. It makes me sick to my core, as if I am going to puke as I wright this right here right now.

[manugeorge]

You are both extremely immature. She, for answering your juvenile questions about whose di*k was bigger or how hard she was f*cked and you for asking such assinine questions.

 

Definitely too emotionally immature to be in any relationship.

 

And YOU, creepy, for harboring such strong negative feelings for her yet still wanting to remain in the relationship.

[soconfused01]

Try taking some time off having sex for a while and work on your friendship. You're being obsessive now and with time that will get better. You need to have a talk with her about how her past is making you feel like you're not special to her or good enough for her. Work on your friendship with her. You've called her a slut so many times in this thread. I understand, I've done the same thing for the same reasons. But is the person you love, with all her unique traits and cute things she does, really a dirty slut?

 

Look, maybe she did some things you wouldn't have done but did she do these things because she's evil or bad? Or was it just because she was horny or wanted to feel attractive or was attracted to someone else, maybe she has insecurities that she couldn't deal with, any number of reasons? Maybe you would have dated a person before sleeping with them, but if it felt right to her and wasn't malicious, what's wrong with that?

The important thing is that she understands how you feel now and empathizes with your feelings- and that you don't point fingers at her and call her a slut and rain judgement down upon her. This will NOT help.

She DOES need to understand that flat out telling you someone's dick was bigger was a stupid uncaring thing to say and she needs to handle your feeligns better in the future.

 

and I'll say it again, you should really rent Chasing Amy

[onlyicansee]

I have already seen chasing amy, many times. In fact, I have seen most all Kevin Smith movies, but thats kinda besides the point.

 

Your right, I shouldnt have asked such immature questions. Your right, I shouldnt harbor such negative feelings towards her. Its wrong! But I get so frustrated with all of this, and I dont want to lash out on her, so I come here and do it instead. But I shouldnt need to lash out at anyone or anything.

 

Truth is, im just grossed out with her, knowing all these nasty secrets about her. It hurts me, knowing that if I choose to spend my the rest of my life with her, I will have to live my life knowing that my partner was is a reformed "slut". Is that really something I want to have to live with? Not really.

 

I find it highly unfair that at the end of the day, my gf ****ed more people can she can remember, that at the end of the day I will always be reduced by her previous lovers, that at the end of the day I will always be unhappy with this one aspect of our relationship.

 

Everyone says end it but how can I when I dont want to?

[Siphon9a]

Man, you and I are living the same life right now. I know all the feelings and emotions and all the ideas and thoughts that are going through your head. Your going to get all kinds of different advice here on the forum. Some from people that did those things, some from people that didnt' and learned how to deal with a partner that did, some who will think your crazy. At the end of it, YOU and only you will have to decide ultimately if it's worth it. Can you change your line of thinking? Can you work through all this sick **** as we both see it and come out of the cloud and still care for this person. Funny thing is, you don't know until you try. And there's no timeline and the trying and how short or long it might be. You both may want to work at it and in a few months you may feel better, or in 5yrs you may still be eaten up by it. Your mindset is like mine and you expect certain things from people and when something like this rears it head, it's not easy to let go of. All the advice in the world can't get it out of your head until you decide you can deal with it. Until then, these feelings will follow you.

[AAlike]

 

Truth is, im just grossed out with her, knowing all these nasty secrets about her. It hurts me, knowing that if I choose to spend my the rest of my life with her, I will have to live my life knowing that my partner was is a reformed "slut". Is that really something I want to have to live with? Not really.

 

 

trust me dude, I have been where you are (though not nearly to that magnitude - you need to chill out!!), and I know that no advice from people that haven't been there is going to help (and I know darn sure that Chasing Amy won't help - although anytime I doubt my intelligence I watch Jersey Girl and realize that I'm smarter than anyone that enjoyed it, so that helps).

 

you want to know how I got over the problem? I grew up - not in age necessarily but emotionally.

[soconfused01]

I guess what I'm saying is that the main point of Chasing Amy was that the guy realized he although he first thought he was disgusted by the girl, the truth is that he was scared of not being good enough. I guess that's the first thing you ask yourself. Are you really disgusted by the person your girlfriend is (not the same thing as being disgusted thinking about her fcking someone else) or deep inside are you afraid of not measuring up to her past?

 

 

If she told you all this stuff about her past but then said you had the biggest dick and were the best **** by far, would it still bother you?

 

if so, it's a question of values more than insecurities, which is an important distinction to make before you decide what your path will be

[Siphon9a]

I guess what I'm saying is that the main point of Chasing Amy was that the guy realized he although he first thought he was disgusted by the girl, the truth is that he was scared of not being good enough. I guess that's the first thing you ask yourself. Are you really disgusted by the person your girlfriend is (not the same thing as being disgusted thinking about her fcking someone else) or deep inside are you afraid of not measuring up to her past?

 

 

If she told you all this stuff about her past but then said you had the biggest dick and were the best **** by far, would it still bother you?

 

if so, it's a question of values more than insecurities, which is an important distinction to make before you decide what your path will be

 

I think in this case being completely disgusted by her actions and life choices are at the core of what is really going on. There is a distinct difference in what your talking about which from what I read on here is usually the "comparision" type of thinking. Can I measure up? Do I do this or that better? Am I being compared to the ex's? I see women post about this alot and from reading posts, seems to be the line of thinking that alot of women deal with when it comes to the "what my SO has done with someone else". He seems to have a line in the sand of what's acceptable in his head in regards to what he wants in a person and he happened to meet this current girl and she basically shatters all values and expectations of someone he wants to be in a relationship with. And there is nothing wrong with having a mindset in what you will and won't accept, regardless of past or present. It devalues him in his mind and inturn devalues what she can bring to a relationship based on her ability to make what he sees, is a right or wrong decision. Whether what anyone does is right or wrong is debatable, but when it comes down to choosing who you want to be with and your value system of what your looking for, there is no debate.

[AAlike]

I think in this case being completely disgusted by her actions and life choices are at the core of what is really going on. There is a distinct difference in what your talking about which from what I read on here is usually the "comparision" type of thinking. Can I measure up? Do I do this or that better? Am I being compared to the ex's? I see women post about this alot and from reading posts, seems to be the line of thinking that alot of women deal with when it comes to the "what my SO has done with someone else". He seems to have a line in the sand of what's acceptable in his head in regards to what he wants in a person and he happened to meet this current girl and she basically shatters all values and expectations of someone he wants to be in a relationship with. And there is nothing wrong with having a mindset in what you will and won't accept, regardless of past or present. It devalues him in his mind and inturn devalues what she can bring to a relationship based on her ability to make what he sees, is a right or wrong decision. Whether what anyone does is right or wrong is debatable, but when it comes down to choosing who you want to be with and your value system of what your looking for, there is no debate.

 

I think that you're speaking for yourself and not OP.

 

if you really think this way, why are you in your current relationship?

[Siphon9a]

I think that you're speaking for yourself and not OP.

 

if you really think this way, why are you in your current relationship?

 

In terms of what the quoted post was referring to I was speaking about the OP. As I know the exact extreme he is feeling when you first find that kind of stuff out. I know you know it as well. As far as my relationship, it is now ended and for me it's a burden I prefer never to carry again. I've already met another girl, one whom I have known for awhile and already know about the "skeletons in the closet", to which from my perspective, there are none. It's a much better start with a person who I know we have a compatable nature both emotionally and physically, with including both of them in the bedroom so to speak and not separating them for the sake of a "drunk ****". In this case with her, one is not separate from another. However, this one will be alot alot alot slower going then the latter disaster I just went through.

[onlyicansee]

Man, you guys act as if I know nothing about this subject, and as if you know everything about mine. Maybe it would do some good to read my first post I made under this name, its uber long but it explains.

 

Basically, it has been about a year now I have been dealing with this issue. It sort of crept up as emotions began to come in.

 

Let me note, before we got together she told me her number, but when I didnt have much emotion for her, I didnt care. Throughout the relationship certain things have come out, from time to time, that has built this snow ball effect, if you will. What started as a small problem has somehow manifested itself into this huge, giant, paintstaken issue between us. More so, between myself and my love for her.

 

I know everyone who is posting here, everyone woes and drama... Let me tell you, I read A LOT! And I read so much on this subject. There is no magic words to soothe the all mighter rj, but I did stumble accorss a very intuitive article dealing with this subject, that has shed some very extreme light on this subject:

 

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article4390097.ece

[Siphon9a]

Man, you guys act as if I know nothing about this subject, and as if you know everything about mine. Maybe it would do some good to read my first post I made under this name, its uber long but it explains.

 

Basically, it has been about a year now I have been dealing with this issue. It sort of crept up as emotions began to come in.

 

Let me note, before we got together she told me her number, but when I didnt have much emotion for her, I didnt care. Throughout the relationship certain things have come out, from time to time, that has built this snow ball effect, if you will. What started as a small problem has somehow manifested itself into this huge, giant, paintstaken issue between us. More so, between myself and my love for her.

 

I know everyone who is posting here, everyone woes and drama... Let me tell you, I read A LOT! And I read so much on this subject. There is no magic words to soothe the all mighter rj, but I did stumble accorss a very intuitive article dealing with this subject, that has shed some very extreme light on this subject:

 

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article4390097.ece

 

I'm glad that you found some insight into this article. Maybe that's where your issues with her stem from. Hopefully so and you can make things work with her. I know your issues stem from a longer term relationship such as the one in the article but just as that guy did, the length of time obviously didn't have an impact on the emotions he felt, nor has yours. You kept getting bits and pieces and things started pulling together ot put you where your at today. Maybe in your case, you can direct these feelings to something more constructive for both of you that can have meaning. Personally I don't see the point in the article as I guess maybe for me it just solely comes down to what you want in a person. THere is no jealousy or any of that sort so much as it is just being disgusted by it flat out. These sorts of things I just don't want. Goodluck man and I really hope that you make the right choice for yourself so you can be happy in life and in your relationship.

[awesomeness43]

if you don't mind me asking, what is the number and age? only reason i ask is because i for the longest time have been trying to justify my gf's number and that alot of girls are like that. it kills me as well and i cant stop thinking about her with other guys.

 

the only thing that makes me feel better is that knowing alot of other girls are just like her and that it is by no means a statement of her character and the type of person she is.

 

is 5 for a 20 yr old considered bad? me being the 5th... and does messing around as in everything but sex count? because the number is a bit under 10 if thats the case...

what is the normal number for a normal party goer/attractive/ college girl between ages of 18-22? thanks...

[onlyicansee]

5? Seriously man I would be clicking my ****ing heels together, 5 is nothing and if thats what you are struggling with then you need to get out more, or something... I mean, read the **** I have been writing, and then for me to tell you this? Can you even imagine what kinda number my gf has? Its horrible and disgusting, and after reading that your having problems dealing with 5... Man it makes me feel like my gf is even more slutty...