Alma Mobley Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 .. and there is nothing we can do. I know I said I would not post again, but I need something, I don't know what. Tom had melanoma on his back years ago, which he was treated for. Doctors told him he needed to stay out of the sun and be checked regularly as the cancer could return, and if it did, it could infect his lungs. He was checked regularly but about four weeks ago, he had trouble breathing and went to the hospital. They said the cancer had returned and this time he had tumors in his lungs. He and my aunt then traveled miles to see a specialist, hoping for good news. The news was not good; it was worse. He not only had tumors in his lungs, but it had metastisized and spread to his liver and other organs. I just got the email last night that they are working with hospice. This is very painful. He is only 58-years-old and never smoked a cigarette in his life. (People assume this because it started in his lungs.) He is leaving behind a wife and five kids. I am broken-hearted. I don't know what to say other than to take skin cancer VERY seriously and ...I don't know. Cover up? Use sunscreen? I know that people can be very flippant about melanoma cancers. Don't.
Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Im so sorry, Alma. I lost an uncle to cancer two years ago, and my Dad currently battles it. I think cancer will end up touching everyones life eventually, whether personally, or with a family member or close friend. Its horrible. All I can offer you in comfort is to try and take a eastern approach about it. I no longer pray for my Dad to live, just for him not to suffer. I am aware of what is before me, and I have made peace with it. Hopefully you can do the same with your uncle. Celebrate his life, tell him everything you want to say about how much he has meant to you, and just allow yourself to feel what you must. *hugs*
Author Alma Mobley Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Thank you, Jilly. I have been working on something to write to my aunt and uncle, something special as my uncle was always an avid writer (kept a journal since he was 20!) But, I have come up empty -- mainly because they are quite religious and I don't want to send something that would offend them. Any ideas would be great..!
Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think thats a lovely idea! And I dont think at this point anyone will be reviewing it for grammar or content, so don't worry about that... I would suggest sharing some stories of your happy memories of him, how you think of things he would say during your day, how he has been a role model or affected how you live your life. Mainly, I would let him know how much you love him, and how he will live on in you forever, and how blessed you are to have known him.
Author Alma Mobley Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Oh oh definitely about how I love him. He is a great man. A wonderful man. I don't think I have the talent to come up with something great! I just don't want offend as they are a different religion from me, which makes this hard. I want to send them something meaningful that is not a Bible verse or some other cliche.
Jilly Bean Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Well, I dont see how your emotions and feelings new to pander to a religion. They will just be touched by the thought, really.
Author Alma Mobley Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Hey Jilly -- Let's just say their religion is very, VERY different from mine, to the point that I can't understand it. I would love to send a poem, something -- something meaningful. But I am scared of offending them unintentionally. We don't understand another. And general question here -- what kind of card do you send to someone who is dying? Condolences is way out of line, I would think. And you certainly can't send a "Get well soon" card. I'm not trying to be funny. I would like to find a card but maybe I should write my own? Ugh. which brings me back to square one.. I have never been in this position before.
kyta Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 i buried my brother yesterday he had a brain hemorage and it has made me ralize that life is to short to worry about anything other than having fun, life is to short to worry about a stupid realtionship, live life to the full and realize nothing in this worl will last forever, also i my other x's son of 12 yrs died on sunday just gone, so feck worrying about a realtionship, they never last so stop worrying about how sad we feel cos we have been dumped its not that important really is it, its just a woman and ther are plenty to chose from so why worry about 1 when we can have many.
quankanne Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 kyta, I'm sorry for your loss, and AM, for the devastating news that you've received about your uncle. as crazy as this sounds, sometimes death/impending death helps you break free of the chains that keep you bound to ideas or feelings from before. Alma, don't worry about the religious differences, just know that when something is offered and received in love, the heart does all the translating. From a religious point of view, I say it's the Spirit of God moving within both parties. so tell your uncle (and his wife and family) just exactly WHY he inspires you so much and what a difference he's made in your life. You might think it's a small thing, but to someone forced to consider his own mortality, it can be a gift of good that lets him know that he has made a difference in his lifetime. The other thing is to give the gift of listening. he may have a lot to share that he doesn't want to say to his immediate family, or tthat he wants to say to you in particular, and this is a beautiful way to give of yourself. I find myself doing this more and more for my dad, listening to his concerns and fears and ideas in his last days. In a way, it's the hardest thing you may have to do, but in another way, it's a true grace you're being given. if you have a particular inspirational poem or note or saying, by all means share with Unk and his family, and let them know why this makes you think of them in particular. Again, you don't have to be a fantastic/good/legendary writer, just one who wants to share heartfelt thoughts with another. like I said, the grace of love lets one heart hear what another is sharing. hugs, quank
Jilly Bean Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Hey Jilly -- Let's just say their religion is very, VERY different from mine, to the point that I can't understand it. I would love to send a poem, something -- something meaningful. But I am scared of offending them unintentionally. We don't understand another. And general question here -- what kind of card do you send to someone who is dying? Condolences is way out of line, I would think. And you certainly can't send a "Get well soon" card. I'm not trying to be funny. I would like to find a card but maybe I should write my own? Ugh. which brings me back to square one.. I have never been in this position before. No, I get that, but why does your message need to be religious? Can't it just be about your feelings? Pick up a blank card, and just write down what you feel about him, and the things I mentioned above. The words will come, and truly, they will not be critical.
SnapCracklePop Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Hey Jilly -- Let's just say their religion is very, VERY different from mine, to the point that I can't understand it. I would love to send a poem, something -- something meaningful. But I am scared of offending them unintentionally. We don't understand another. And general question here -- what kind of card do you send to someone who is dying? Condolences is way out of line, I would think. And you certainly can't send a "Get well soon" card. I'm not trying to be funny. I would like to find a card but maybe I should write my own? Ugh. which brings me back to square one.. I have never been in this position before. Honestly, your uncle would rather hear words from your heart than the words that some card company put down on paper for you. His religion is personal to him - so don't bother with religious cards or try to find the perfect scripture to copy down. Give him a piece of you. If it were me, I would take some time and put together something to send that is truly from the heart and something unique from you. Get a nice photo of you (or of you and your family if that applies). Write a handwritten letter. If you have kids, get them to draw something. Put it all together and send that. It is so much more personal than a card, and it will be a wonderful sentiment for your uncle.
Ingenue Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I'm so sorry Alma. As for the card, I think something written from the heart would be nice. Perhaps you could reminisce about some fond memories or good times you've had together. Celebrate his life, his accomplishments and how he's touched lives.
Author Alma Mobley Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 Hey, you guys are right. I will probably just pick a blank card, as suggested, and write my own words in it. Thank you for your advice and your support!
Author Alma Mobley Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 I know, and I thank you for that! I've gotten a lot of support as well as good ideas for how to respond to this crisis. Thank you!
quankanne Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 well, you can ALWAYS try wearing the sweet potatoes that your mama cooked for your dinner all over your face! :laugh: am truly glad that you're able to find the 'Shack as supportive as I had back when my mother was dying. Not only are the folks here genuinely willing to help with advice, but I found that it was the one guaranteed place that helped me smile every day when I needed it the most.
Author Alma Mobley Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Thank you all for your messages and support. My uncle died last night. He died at home, among family.
Jilly Bean Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Oh, Alma. Im sorry to learn of your loss. FWIW, it sounds like it was a peaceful passing and at home with his loved ones. Be good to yourself while you navigate your way through the grief. *hugs* - JB
Author Alma Mobley Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 Thanks, Jilly! He did, all things considered, have a peaceful passing. I am thankful for that! Take care...
quankanne Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I'm sorry to hear about your uncle, Alma, and grateful that his was a peaceful death. hugs, q
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