She says she wants me back but there's a problem...

[wmast]

I'm new here and looking for advice. I wish I found this site months ago. This post is long, but any insight anyone can give is greatly appreciated.

 

Ok, in April of this year (5 months ago), my gf of 4 years left me. She said that she was unsure of things and wanted to see what it was like to date other people. She had been acting very weird towards me the month previous to the breakup but whenever I'd ask her what was wrong, she'd say that everything was fine. Ok, so she dumps me, I cry, beg, plead but she just brushed my emotions off, shut me out, and started dating some other guy within a week. I was distraught. I talked to all of my family and friends about the situation and they rallied behind me and showed me support when I was at my lowest. In those 1st few weeks after the breakup, my ex would only contact me to tell me how "fresh and rejuvenated" her life was. That hurt me even more... I treated this girl like a princess... There were hardly any problems between us although I do admit things were getting kind of stale as we knew everything about everything about each other.

 

When I realized that she could care less about me or my emotions, my self respect made me shut her out. She would try calling and emailing but I never answered or replied. The emails were always small talk but I didn't budge. I figured if she didn't care enough about my feelings after all we had been thru together, she didn't deserve any more of my time. This period of no talking lasted two full months. Come mid-July I was in a way better place than I was when she 1st dumped me. Sure I was still hurting and I still thought about her/ us everyday, but I figured life goes on and there's no point in wallowing in it. I made new friends and started doing different things to keep me active. I told myself that I had to forgive her and if she did call again, I would answer and be cordial (at that point I truly wasn't even interested in getting back together as the pain she caused me was unbearable). So 2 days after I made that resolution to be "friendly" with her, I get a call from her. When I answered she started crying saying how she made the biggest mistake of her life, how she's been miserable in her new relationship and how she needed me by her side. I was shocked as only months before she was telling me how great she was doing (without me).

 

Talking to her brought all of my emotions back and I yearned to work things out with her. That day we talked for like two hours. It concluded with her asking, "if I break up with this guy would you give me a second chance?" I tried to remain as aloof as possible and I said that while she hurt me badly, the love I had for her ran deep and I was willing to see if we could work things out. I explicitly told her that it’s not like we could “pick up where we left off” and that she’d have to regain my trust. She agreed, thanked me and promised to never make the same mistake. I said ok and we got off of the phone. Again, this was mid-July. From then on we spoke just about every other day. We discussed what went wrong, how we'd fix our problems, and our plans for the future, etc. I was excited as it seemed everything was falling into place. I'll admit that I showed some of this excitement as I failed to remain aloof in conversation. I was upbeat and was naturally excited. She showed even more excitement than I did. Now the only problem that remained was her breaking up with the other guy. Whenever I'd ask if she did it she'd answer, "please give me more time, it's not that cut and dry, I'm trying to start arguments with him so that I have a 'reason' to leave, etc". At 1st, I was understanding, I realize it’s not that easy to breakup with someone... But as days turned into weeks and now months I became very frustrated. She would send me emails with lyrics of "please take me back" sort of songs, she'd discuss future plans, she even told our friends and her family that we were on the road to repairing our relationship but all the while she remains in the relationship with the other guy. I just don't get it.

 

So just last week she invited me to her place for dinner. We, talked, joked, etc... Once the food was ready we sat down and began eating. Maybe 3 minutes into dinner, her phone rings. She asks to be excused and goes into another room. It was her boyfriend. I was fuming. 1st off, she’s not the type to leave the dinner table for a phone call period and secondly, I feel that it was total disrespect towards me. From the other room, I could hear that she was laughing and joking with him; the call lasted about 2 minutes. When she came back I showed my frustration. She just said, “I’m with him so I can’t just ignore his call”. I asked her what ever happened to her “being on the way out, and working on breaking up with him”. She said that it’s still the case, it’s just taking longer than she expected. At that time, I was very angry and told her I didn’t appreciate being played with and having my time wasted. She began crying saying that she wasn’t wasting my time and that she really wants a relationship with me, she just needs time to get out of her other relationship. I finished dinner then told her I had to go. I sternly told her not to call me until she is out of the relationship with that guy and she has all her stuff in order. She said, ok, gave me a kiss on the cheek and I left. That was that. The next day she emailed me saying that I was her “other half” and that she needed me in her life and that she’ll get out of the other relationship ASAP. I laughed to myself. She’s been telling me this since mid-July and now we’re in mid-September.

Can anyone provide any insight as to why she’s doing this? I figured it could be to have her cake and eat it too but why then go through all the hassle of telling family and friends that we are getting back together? Why go through the hassle of discussing future plans? I’m the one who extended friendship to her but she declined and said she wanted a relationship. By the way we’re both 23 years old.

 

I’m just so lost in this situation. I feel like I’m taking steps backwards and all the hurt is coming back. I don’t understand why she’s doing this to me. She apologized, realized she hurt me, and seemed sincere through all of our talks about what happened.

Any insight would be appreciated

[reservoirdog1]

This is classic. You're her fallback guy -- somebody comfortable and familiar for when the excitement wears off with the other guy. Which it apparently has.

 

Are you really comfortable getting back with her, knowing that she's had sex with this guy a bunch of times? And given that she's still with him, she probably still IS having sex with him?

 

It IS cut and dried. She dumped you pretty damned suddenly, and was with the new guy within a week. Why aren't you entitled to the same courtesy?

 

There's an expression to describe people like her: a "cake eater". Meaning somebody who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Well, sorry princess, but that's not how the world works. Sometimes big people actually have to make decisions between two incompatible alternatives.

 

You were well on your way to building a new life for yourself when she suddenly decided to dangle in your face the prospect of getting back together with her. Don't you think you're worth more than that? Don't you think you deserve to be more than just some crazy chick's backup plan?

 

Personally, I don't think you ever get back together with her. Not in a million years.

 

If you are inclined to do so, however, make damned sure she has to work for it. Start with sticking to your guns about on the don't-call-me-till-you're-single bit. In fact, if she calls again, ramp it up: "I'm not going to even speak to you again until you're single. Once you're single, I'll consider whether or not I want to be in a relationship with you again." Don't make it a foregone conclusion that you'll be waiting for her when she's done with him.

 

She has all the power in this situation because right now she knows you're there waiting for her. You need to remove that knowledge. Keep in mind, we teach people how to treat us. So far you've taught her that she can treat you like dirt and you'll keep coming back to her.

 

Take the power back.

[CarrieT]

 

Personally, I don't think you ever get back together with her. Not in a million years.

 

 

Totally concur. You are being played BIG TIME. You are young and there are TONS of great girls out there who will appreciate being treated well. I know it will hurt for a while but trust me, years from now you will feel much better about yourself and the woman you end up devoting your life to than this chick.

[BackonTrack]

She is playing with you and making you go mad.

Go NC, shut her OUT until she is at your door step.

 

Dude she's sleeping with someone else and having you there as support, sooner or later, things are going to get serious with this new guy as your there bascially allowing her to do this.

 

get rid of her asap.

[Trialbyfire]

Potential future phone call:

 

You: Hi Honey, love you dearly but there's something I need you to do.

Her: Hi Baby. Love you too. What do you need from me?

You: Let's get on a conference call this second with your b/f and you can dump him while I listen, okay?

Her: Are you friggen' nuts?

You: Oh no, piss or get off the pot. Will you do it?

Her: *sobs* I can't do this to him.

You: Okay, buh bye! Hugs and kisses.

 

*click*

[BackonTrack]

She is playing with you and making you go mad.

Go NC, shut her OUT until she is at your door step.

 

Dude she's sleeping with someone else and having you there as support, sooner or later, things are going to get serious with this new guy as your there bascially allowing her to do this.

 

this new guy, he's doing something your NOT

YOU, your doing something the new guy is NOT doing yet. She is using you for emmotional support while she builds intamacy with the new guy.

 

you are ENABLING her to cheat on you and be with the other guy by being her friend.

 

pull the rug out now, she has to swim or sink, she made her choice.

 

in a few months re-think this situtation and take it from there, or to put it another way.. how long NC have you would of been if she hadn't called you that night crying?

 

also are you having sex with this girl? if the answer is NO, then she's has no plans of breaking up with this other guy for you.

[Dolorian]

This is classic. You're her fallback guy -- somebody comfortable and familiar for when the excitement wears off with the other guy. Which it apparently has.

 

Are you really comfortable getting back with her, knowing that she's had sex with this guy a bunch of times? And given that she's still with him, she probably still IS having sex with him?

 

It IS cut and dried. She dumped you pretty damned suddenly, and was with the new guy within a week. Why aren't you entitled to the same courtesy?

 

There's an expression to describe people like her: a "cake eater". Meaning somebody who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Well, sorry princess, but that's not how the world works. Sometimes big people actually have to make decisions between two incompatible alternatives.

 

You were well on your way to building a new life for yourself when she suddenly decided to dangle in your face the prospect of getting back together with her. Don't you think you're worth more than that? Don't you think you deserve to be more than just some crazy chick's backup plan?

 

Personally, I don't think you ever get back together with her. Not in a million years.

 

If you are inclined to do so, however, make damned sure she has to work for it. Start with sticking to your guns about on the don't-call-me-till-you're-single bit. In fact, if she calls again, ramp it up: "I'm not going to even speak to you again until you're single. Once you're single, I'll consider whether or not I want to be in a relationship with you again." Don't make it a foregone conclusion that you'll be waiting for her when she's done with him.

 

She has all the power in this situation because right now she knows you're there waiting for her. You need to remove that knowledge. Keep in mind, we teach people how to treat us. So far you've taught her that she can treat you like dirt and you'll keep coming back to her.

 

Take the power back.

 

Wow, and another reply that is dead on. You are so right! Man, I love this forum. I'm trying to do just that. I'll be her friend, and although she said she can't see us together anymore I know she'll change her mind soon because her current boyfriend is not treating her well. But if she wants me back, she has to work for it. Otherwise, I won't talk to her much anymore. (Not a NC supporter, but I try to keep things basic between us.)

[BackonTrack]

You are being to nice.

Not even friends.

All or Nothing should be your theme song.

 

All your doing by being her friend is enabling her to move on easier.

**** that, cut all ties.

 

Your still there, while she builds with the new guy.

Thats not good my friend......

[Chinook]

Q: What's the deal here...?

A: You're her number one back-burner-comfy-slippers guy. Pure n simple.

 

Q: What will happen or what should I do about this situ..?

A: It will continue as it is, for as long as you allow it. If you're happy being back-burner guy, letting her waste your time as well as disrespecting you AND the other guy, carry right on as you are. Otherwise, completely cut her off and quit contact with her.

 

Q: But what about "us" and everything "we" had and all that we shared...?

A: The person you loved is gone. What you had is gone. Everything she meant to you means nothing now because the person you loved is not the person she is. That person ceased to exist the moment she was capable of hurting you and walking away... and make no mistake she didn't 'start dating within a week'. The guy was already waiting in the wings... women generally don't quit relationships 'out of the blue'... which also pegs her as both a coward and a liar. She told you nothing was wrong but was acting weird... people change their behaviour when they have something to hide. She quit because she wanted to see/date other people... which technically isn't a lie... but I'm betting it was that she wanted to see/date this one particular guy. Now she has... she wants to cover her bases because it could be a wrong decision.

 

Q: What about me...?

A: Yes. What about you...? Who cares about you..? Who worries about you...? Who is putting you first...? Who is ensuring you are at the centre of their world...? Not her.

 

If I were you, I'd stop with the accepting the bull**** and walk away. She's treating you like dirt and you deserve better.

[wmast]

Wow, thanks for all of the responses! Yes, I've come to the same conclusion that she's using me but my big question is WHY? I was fine without her... I was getting along fine, I finally accepted that it was over and I WAS moving on. Then she calls to tell me of her "horrible mistake" and how she needed me back in her life. So we start hanging out and all and she starts talking about future plans again (we were actually engaged to be married). She also starts telling me how she's going to PROVE her loyalty to me by tattooing my name on her back. All this but she has still failed to leave that guy. Another thing is why tell family and friends that we're getting back together? It just makes no sense. Her parents called me and were so excited to hear that we we're talking again and "working on your relationship" (apparently they don't like the new guy). My ex even told me that the new guy has nothing on me and that in comparison "he's not half the guy I am"... But as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

 

It's like she's living two seperate lives and unfortunately I've allowed it. No, I haven't had sex with her or even kissed her for that matter. I'm just lost as to why she'd put me through this all over again? She told me she realized that she hurt me badly and promised to never do it again. Ugh, Part of me wants to believe that she's being honest and it's just talking a long time to break up with this guy but then again c'mon... it doesn't take 2 months to leave someone. She's playing a cruel game

[0hpenelope]

:sigh: Women like her give the rest of us classy ladies a bad rep. I don't approve of this.

 

I can see that you've done more thinking than just feeling and that's really good. So here's more praises from another LS user!

 

Now buckle down and leave no room for compromise. "Don't expect to hear my voice (except from my voicemail greeting) anytime soon until you've made up your mind. Until then, I have a life to live."

[Angel1111]

I think everyone here has pretty much said it all, except I really don't know why a person would do this kind of thing - and that seems to be your question. The real truth is that she was probably cheating on you before she broke up with you and now she's seeing you behind this guy's back. Since she seemed to have no problem dumping you out of the blue, then she should be able to do the same thing with this guy; plus she's been with him only a short time. The way she lies and deceives is very troublesome.

 

I don't know what to tell you except that she's young and doesn't have a clue about relationships, even for someone her age. Seriously I think the two of you got involved too soon and haven't had enough experience to be so committed. I would end it with her, no matter what she does at this point. You need to be with someone that you can trust and who doesn't play games. Sometimes we can tie ourselves up in knots trying to answer the 'why' question. When really it just has to do with where a person is in their own minds at that time. If you talk to her 25 yrs from now, she'll tell you that she didn't know why she did what she did. And that would probably be the truth. It's always nice to know 'why' but don't get too wrapped up in it - the answer is usually not all that interesting or intriguing.

[wmast]

Thanks again for the additional responses. Although she swears that she didn't cheat on me before breaking things off, I'm not naive enough to believe her. Truth is she may have been cheating on me before she left me and I may never know the truth. I've come to deal with all of that. I've come to deal with the fact that she betrayed me, the fact that she broke my trust. BUT I was ready and willing to forgive because of the sincerity I saw from her... Rather, the sincerity I HEARD from her. Now that I come to think of it, she in no way SHOWED me that she really wanted to work things out. She's been stringing me along for the past few months.

The question still remains why? What does someone gain from doing something like this? I would never in a million years dream of hurting someone this way. Why not just leave me alone and let me heal? Maybe because I wasn't calling and begging anymore??? But like Angel said, I guess there's no use in asking 'why' in situations such as this. It just hurts so much. It feels like I'm being broken up with all over again.

I definitely won't be calling her anymore.

[EmperorR]

Your a star a hall of famer, don't play backup

[WiseOne1]

These posters are all right.

 

Why?? Its because she needs a backup, things were going just fine without you and the tables turned, she didnt want you to move on or get another gf because then she would have no one to treat her like a princess anymore.

 

She did'nt leave the relationship with no spare, she had been talking to him before she broke up with you, and its just so happens that they hook up.

 

She planned the whole thing, she broke up with you to date him, all he wanted was sex and now that he's got it, hes not really into her that much so hes now giving her mixed signals. NOW! This is were you come into place, your her backup guy, incase this doesnt go well she wants to get back with you.

Sooner or later its gonna go bad, due to she may fall in love with him, or she might just get pregnant from him, hey ya never no' then its all over for you.

 

She seems to be a hyprocrit also, she says she doesnt want to just break up with him, buttttt...She broke up with you ASAP with no problems just quick and fast! So why cant she just break up with him this easy?

 

You treated her like gold and she broke your heart, but hes treating her like trash and shes trying to spare his feelings???? What sense does this make?

 

I find her guily in 4 counts of deceiving, 2 counts of lying and sentence her to NC. Lol

[Ingenue]

As the others have said wmast, I think your ex is relying on the fact that you'll hang around while she deliberates between what man she wants. You deserve more than being somebody's sloppy seconds.

 

The fact that she can so callously break up with you to date others but then claim difficulty in ending her current relationship because it's not cut and dry is hypocrisy, plain and simple. If she wants you, she should back it up with her actions.

 

I think she's all too comfortable with having your company, emotional stability and reliability while having some other fella on the side. You deserve a woman with the emotional maturity to treat you as a human being, not some chess piece to to move at her will.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[wmast]

I find her guily in 4 counts of deceiving, 2 counts of lying and sentence her to NC. Lol

 

LMAO! That made my night. Thanks!

[In Like Flynn]

Call her family and tell them that she still has not broken things off and she was lying you and her family. It sounds like she is doing this because her family didn't like the current guy and liked you....but she wants to continue screwing the other guy and have you as a front.

[Angel1111]

LMAO! That made my night. Thanks!

 

Mine, too. That was hysterical.

[wmast]

Call her family and tell them that she still has not broken things off and she was lying you and her family. It sounds like she is doing this because her family didn't like the current guy and liked you....but she wants to continue screwing the other guy and have you as a front.

 

I thought about doing that but I don't know if that would help or hurt the situation. Any thoughts???

[youngbuckkk]

I thought about doing that but I don't know if that would help or hurt the situation. Any thoughts???

 

 

What does it matter? I'd say just cut your losses, and cut her out of your life. And don't tell her you won't be talking to her, just block her online and never answer a call. It will drive her crazy and you will forget about her.

 

I mean you're still wondering if something will "help" the situation? Why would you want to help it? Say you call her folks and they convince her to break up with the other guy and she comes back to you. Would you be happy knowing you had to get her parents to guilt trip her back to being your GF?

[wmast]

What does it matter? I'd say just cut your losses, and cut her out of your life. And don't tell her you won't be talking to her, just block her online and never answer a call. It will drive her crazy and you will forget about her.

 

I mean you're still wondering if something will "help" the situation? Why would you want to help it? Say you call her folks and they convince her to break up with the other guy and she comes back to you. Would you be happy knowing you had to get her parents to guilt trip her back to being your GF?

 

Very true. Thanks

[BackonTrack]

dude you have 10-15 people telling you the same thing.

get rid of that girl

 

she is using you, she is no good. i been through this

your wondering what the hell is wrong with your girlfriend, you see, she is not your girlfriend anymore.

 

she changed, accept it, stop treating her special, get rid of her, treat her like the person she is.

 

i know its hard to accept that but its the truth.

i'm sorry.

 

this is not about reason or logic, stop trying to understand.

 

she is having sex with SOMEONE ELSE.

She was having sex with someone else while you two were together.

 

she stop caring for you a long time ago.

i'm sorry......

[wmast]

dude you have 10-15 people telling you the same thing.

get rid of that girl

 

she is using you, she is no good. i been through this

your wondering what the hell is wrong with your girlfriend, you see, she is not your girlfriend anymore.

 

she changed, accept it, stop treating her special, get rid of her, treat her like the person she is.

 

i know its hard to accept that but its the truth.

i'm sorry.

 

this is not about reason or logic, stop trying to understand.

 

she is having sex with SOMEONE ELSE.

She was having sex with someone else while you two were together.

 

she stop caring for you a long time ago.

i'm sorry......

 

 

Harsh words... but the truth is often harsh. Thanks

[GettingHappy]

Glad to know there are still men who are loyal out there!