Author PoshPrincess Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 if you ever want to talk 2 someone who knows what it feels like I'm just a PM away. Betty, have just tried to PM you but I got a message saying you cannot accept PMs. Can you enable this? Thnx
bish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Thanks for everyone's input. I AGREE I need to grow up. I AGREE I shouldn't be getting married. I AGREE my BF deserves better, without a doubt. Having said that, then there is only one responsible thing to do with regards to your BF.....break up with him and set him free whether he thinks he is better off with you or not. WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. Well gee...then forget what I said above as it is clear you will not tell him for your own selfish reasons. Keep him in the dark as to what kind of person his so-called gf really is. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. What isn't doing your bf any favors is you not telling him and letting him unkowingly being hooked with a cheater. What isn't doing him any favors is being with a cheater. He deserves to know so he can make up his own mind whether you are worthy of him.
bish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Posh, this is very dangerous thinking. You may or may not recall that this contains a parallel to bish's story - his exW fooled around a bit before they married, but he didn't find out until years later - and feeling like he got snowed before marrying her has totally fueled his bitterness. Well the main source of "bitterness", and its jussa little, not a whole heaping gob of it, is that now there are 2 beautiful kids embroiled in it all that lost the priviledge of being with their father, who adores them, on a daily basis. But yes, this is exactly the reason why she needs to tell him. NOT telling him is only out of her own selfishness. Wants to keep him in the dark so he doesn't dump her on her ass. And there is the question...would he dump her on her ass? If she thinks he would, then not telling him is self-serving and denying him choice...not telling him denies him choice either way. This is a situation in which he has a right to make a choice before getting married. EXACTLY RIGHT!!! He needs to be given the right to decide on who he wants to be with for the rest of his life under FULL disclosure. But really, it won't be the rest of his life. he'd find out sooner or later, or she'd just end up cheating again and it will probably then be over....and with sweet little children involved more than likely.
SoulStorm Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 She shouldnt tell him! Yes she should..why shouldn't she? She's playing him for a fool, manipulating him and downright disrespecting him. She did wrong and he deserves to know what type of relationship he is in and if he wants to stay. That should not be left up to her to decide..unless she is in the relationship by herself..which she is not
Lishy Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 My advice is that she dumps him and sorts herself out! Telling him will just hurt him more!
JamesM Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 My advice is that she dumps him and sorts herself out! Telling him will just hurt him more! I agree with Paula Abdul on this one. If Posh is having doubts then leave. Telling him about her indiscretions will add nothing but detract from everything.
Owl Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Normally, I'm a "tell everything" advocate, as I think no one would be shocked to hear. In this case, however, I have a different take. If Posh's BF were posting here because he just found out she'd been having a fling with someone else, I'd tell him to run. Cheating this early in a relationship (before marriage) is a sure indication of long term trouble...cheating right now, when things are supposed to be at their BEST...bodes horribly well for the future with this person. Since he's not posting here, but Posh is...my advice to her is similar. Don't tell your BF. Cancel your wedding plans. End your relationship with him. Figure out what it is in you that allows you to behave the way that you do. Decide for yourself if its something you can/will change. Decide if its simply who you are...and whether or not you're "marriage material". THEN decide on what to do with future relationships.
SoulStorm Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I would agree with you all, but has SHE decided to drop the relationship or stay? He is going to find out anyways. Affairs have a way of revealling themselves, even after the relationship is over. He's going to wonder why she wants to end the relationship, which will probably be another lie to "protect" him. He probably has a feeling something isn't right anyways. The truth hurts, but lies, even by omission devastate
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 If she decides to stay with him, then she has to tell - If she ends it with him, then there's no point in telling and making him feel worse. PP, I hope you're taking time to think this through. If anything, you owe him honesty - That you definately are not ready to marry, settle down and be committed to one person. THAT you can and should tell him.
username24 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. This has nothing to do with alleviating your guilt. It has everything to do with cowardice. Please don't be a coward. Tell your fiance. He has every right to know the truth.
bish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 She shouldnt tell him! Ya...she should keep him in the dark and play him for a fool. Thats the way to go.
SoulStorm Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 My advice is that she dumps him and sorts herself out! Telling him will just hurt him more! Hurt him more? He doesn't even know he is initially hurt
NoIDidn't Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 I know we shouldn't try to diagnose posters, but I can't stop wondering about this. Posh has anyone ever told you that you were scattered or unfocused? Something is just screaming ADD (attention deficit disorder) in your posts. It runs in my family and is VERY treatable. Just curious.
Lishy Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Ya...she should keep him in the dark and play him for a fool. Thats the way to go. No Bish, I didn't mean that! I said she should end it with him as he is not ready for a R and NOT tell him she cheated - Why give the guy baggage that he does not need? They wont be together so why hurt him more? Of course if they stay together or she wants to get back with him then definately tell him so he has a choice Hurt him more? He doesn't even know he is initially hurt He will if she dumps him (which she should for both their sakes)
mental_traveller Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 My advice is that she dumps him and sorts herself out! Telling him will just hurt him more! He's a grown man, he can take it. The object of moral behaviour is not to avoid hurt at all costs, but to treat people with respect and honesty. Lying to someone and covering it up is effectively treating them like a 5 year old child, not a grown adult. If you do wrong, fess up and make good the best you can, don't cower like a rat in a sewer. Most guys would much rather know than be kept in the dark and played for a fool
Crow9726 Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 I may be in the minority here...but she should tell him. To lie and not tell him...and omission is definitely lying in my book...then he is being played for a fool. If they somehow stay together...their relationship will be based on...and tainted by...this lie. If they break up...he will never know the real reason...so the betrayal will run deeper and deeper. I have gone through something similar in my life...and still don't know the true reason my relationship ended. She told me one thing...but it's gotten back to me that she is telling others something entirely different. So I have to sit and ponder the reality of it all...of what I perceive to be the truth...and we all know that perception is reality. It does, however, make it more difficult for me to come to grips with. Do him a favor...whether you stay or go...TELL HIM!!! And get some help...you definitely need it. All that being said...I wish you well...
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 In many cases when people cheat, they do so to fill something empty inside of them. What has caused your emptiness? Seriously look back at your family history and look for abusive behaviours enacted against you, whether it's from your mother or father. Abusive family histories create a lack of coping tools when people need validation, thus look for it externally. Out of curiosity, do you self-medicate with alcohol sometimes? If so, it will only amplify any issues within you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Thanks very much to GEL, NoIDidn't, and the other later posters for your understanding. I agree to an extent with what everyone on here says to me and about me and can totally understand the bashing! AND believe it or not I know that telling BF (if I am planning on staying with him) would be the right thing to do. I am just very confused about everything at the moment. Tomorrow will be my first counselling session for a long time and, yes, I am always 100% honest with him as there would be no point in going otherwise. I know deep down that I need to be single and to sort my own head out before involving anyone else. I have always been really bad at ending relationships - I am a coward!!!! BettyBoop, I will PM you - thanks x Personally, I think the attitude of what he doesn't know wont hurt him, is the wrong way to go. You are using these other men for some purpose. What are you using them for? Do you really need physical affection from multiple men to feel attractive? How much value do you place on being pretty? How do you feel about getting married? I notice that you state this relationship was a rebound. Realize that you think this an important fact for a reason! In a way I get a sense that your shoe shopping for men. Yeah, you have an awesome pair right now... but there are so many you have yet to try on...
BettyBoop Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Betty, have just tried to PM you but I got a message saying you cannot accept PMs. Can you enable this? Thnx I just enabled it, I didn't know it wasn't working...but soz it works now.
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