Why can't I have some self-control?

[PoshPrincess]

I know I am gonna get totally slated for this. It's a while since I posted on here and initially it was because involved with a MM. V traumatic and something I know I will NEVER repeat. Still, what I am doing now is even worse.

 

I say "doing now" but it's kind of over. I have been with my BF for a couple of years now. I guess it was a bit of a rebound R from MM but it was working well. He is SO good for me and cares for me like no one else ever has. So....why can I not stop myself cheating? Ok, I haven't slept with anyone else - just kissing and stuff - but of course that is STILL cheating. I had a couple of one off kisses and then started a fling with someone recently (funnily enough with an ex-friend of MM). Luckily for me, this OM has had the sense to end things now as he knows all about my past experience and knows how messy it can get.

 

The weird thing is that years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of EVER cheating. I even went out with someone for three years who I never loved and was faithful to him. For some reason, I feel I have real commitment issues.

 

I can put no blame on my BF (not that there is EVER a good enough reason for cheating - not happy? Then LEAVE!) Ok, things have been a bit strained for one reason and another but I am certainly not lacking in love and affection at home. If I'm honest I get a real buzz out of the flirting (not the sneaking around though, I now take my hat off to ex-MM that he managed that for so long!) BF and I are due to get married. Although I had never wanted to marry I was really excited but now I am scared that I won't be able to be faithful. V immature I know - I just need to get some willpower. And I know it's definitely NOT about the sex.

 

Of course, I could go on and on and on but nothing can excuse what I am doing. I just wanted to give a bit of background. I am certainly not after any sympathy as what I am doing (or have been doing) is totally wrong - SIMPLE AS. I just want to see whether there is any one else who has been in my position. Please bear in mind that I don't think I am in love with these guys when I cheat or that I want to leave my BF for them. I don't know. It's pathetic.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

PS All bashing will be taken on the chin. I am fully expecting it!

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps you have a sexual addiction:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bryanp]

If you are planning on getting married then without a doubt you must tell your boyfriend what has been going on. He has a right to know this so he can make an informed judgement of whether or not he wishes to pursue a marriage with you. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you? What you are doing is terribly disrespectful to your boyfriend. Either you have a relationship built on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.

[Siphon9a]

Obviously your not in any state to be in a relationship if you feel you have to find some satisfaction in others to fufill your needs. And to think this poor guy actually wants to commit to you after you basically disrespect every single part of him by doing it. Your post doesn't even ring like it bothers you. You need to see a professional to get your **** together. If you don't tell you guy, I hope to God he comes on here and sees it. He should know before he commits to a serial cheater. That's about the most ****ed up post I've seen on here in awhile.

 

I guess Sharons quote is a lie in this case as well, You are obviously faking your relationship....go figure heh.....(shakes head)

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I'm with Bryanp, it wouldn't be even close to right to go forward with the M unless you let the bf know what he's in for. Not fair at all. You can marry him and be the best wife, faithful as all-get-out, and he'll still be blindsided if he learns of your pre-nuptial necking with the neighbors.

 

Perhaps other than a sexual addiction, you have a deep need for approval, and just one fella's approval won't do. Do you still feel attractive even if nobody is lusting after you? Maybe a bit of work on self-approval is in order. Just a thought. I don't know you or anything.

[High Plains Drifter]

Yeah, I'd say you weren't exactly "Marriage Material."

 

Do everyone a favor. Grow TF up.

[username24]

*blah blah blah* It's pathetic. *blah blah blah*

 

Pretty much sums it up.

 

Please do your fiance a favor and break up with him.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, don't get married. You're not ready to settle down and be with one guy.

 

Maybe the guy you're with now IS the rebound guy, even though you've been with him for a while now. You seem to want and need attention, flirty and otherwise from other men - Not good when you could be getting married.

 

Be honest with him - Allow him the chance to decide if he wants to stick it out with you or break up. Not saying anything isn't going to DO anything because there's no consquence to your behaviour.

[manugeorge]

Perhaps you keep doing it because you have a poor self esteem. You don't think you're good enough. You don't think you deserve to be with a good guy and you don't think you deserve to be loved hence you don't trust when someone genuinely loves and cares about you. You find ways to sabotage it. You seek out non-substanstive and unhealthy relationships with men for example, your affair with a MM because you don't feel you deserve anything healthy. A person with low self esteem is not particularly choosy about who they give themselves to. Everything is a free for all, every penis is welcome as long as someone...ANYONE..is paying attention to them, that's all they care about. Part of it is also your selfishness, self-absorption and narcissism. You don't think about other people's feelings or care who you hurt, i.e., your boyfriend, as long as you get your fix.

 

I. agree you need professional help.

 

And you need to leave your boyfriend become you make him another hurt, bitter and jaded LS poster who can't get over the fact that his girlfriend/wife is a serial cheater.

 

Don't do that to another human being, it screws with people in ways you can never imagine. Ask anyone who's ever been cheated on. That sh*t just stays with you.

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks for everyone's input.

 

I AGREE I need to grow up. I AGREE I shouldn't be getting married. I AGREE my BF deserves better, without a doubt. I am no better than the MM I was previously involved with. I AGREE that it's all f*cked up too.

 

I am definitely NOT a sex-addict. I haven't had sex with anyone else and mostly, with sex, I can take it or leave it. I have great sex with my BF, the best by far that I have ever had.

 

Yes, I guess it IS an attention thing. I have always had problems with food, poor body image, etc, but this is no excuse. I AM seeing a counsellor and I am hoping this will help me to become a better person as I appreciate that what I am doing is extremely selfish and self-absorbed.

 

WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. Manugeorge - your advice was very constructive too and I appreciate it. Thanks.

 

As for the person who said I didn't appear to be in any way sorry, I apologise if that's the way I come across. If I wasn't sorry and didn't feel I needed help then I wouldn't have posted on here in the first place. I was fully open to all the bashing and knew that would be what would happen which is nothing less than I deserve. I just wanted my post to be 'to the point' and not to sound self-pitying.

[fingersniffer]

PoshPrincess

 

Get out of both relationships.

Your BF deserves better treatment than your whoring about, and the MM is a cowardly a**hole that deserves nothing.

 

You are doing wrong on so many levels. You are causing hurt on so many levels.

 

Perhaps you are a good person, but your actions are disgusting, dispicible and horribel. Stop it now.

[JamesM]

Posh, you knew what kind of answers you would get, because I am guessing that you were telling yourself the same things. The question is WHY do you cheat.

 

Even though it is just kissing and not actual sex, it seems to me that you are afraid that the day is coming that you will go all the way. And you are hoping to catch it before it becomes a major problem.

 

It is not just about this guy. I agree, you should break up with him if you do not love him enough to be committed to him. However, I think there just may be something to the idea that you enjoy the thrill of cheating.

 

When you were with your MM, it was all secretive and exciting. No, you did not like that you had to be secretive yet it added something to the relationship, yes?

 

Now this normal relationship can get kinda boring, and a momentary thrill can be had by sneaking around again. I may be way off, but that was my first impression.

 

What about alcohol? Does all of your flirting and cheating happen while you are intoxicated and at a bar?

 

Back off from a serious relationship until you have figured yourself out. It will be less painful that way.

[torranceshipman]

Two extremely simple explanations:

 

a) he's the wrong guy and he's kind of boring you...no spark or chemistry so you go out and flirt to get it

b) you love being the center of attention-your username says it all

 

So just split up with him...job done. Then you can go out and flirt and have fun. The problem is that you'e being selfish and trying to have both-step up and do the right thing and end it, have fun with cute guys that you are more attracted to, then life will be a whole lot simpler for everyone.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. Manugeorge - your advice was very constructive too and I appreciate it. Thanks.

 

If you're definately going to end it, then there's no point in pouring salt into the wound. It's only if you plan on staying with him, he need to know the truth so HE can decide if he wants to be with you.

 

By not telling him, you're taking a chance of someone else mentioning it to him. Anyway, you do what you feel is best in that reguards, telling or not telling - But you DO need to let him know that you're not ready to get married..Possibly walk away from him.

[serial muse]

although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me.

 

Posh, this is very dangerous thinking. You may or may not recall that this contains a parallel to bish's story - his exW fooled around a bit before they married, but he didn't find out until years later - and feeling like he got snowed before marrying her has totally fueled his bitterness. Granted, your BF may be a different kind of person, more forgiving perhaps, but do you really want him to enter into a marriage with you under false circumstances?

 

I admit that I'm generally a "tell" sort of person, and that that's because I'd want to know. So that's my bias. But I can understand, at least, some situations where people don't tell about infidelity in their marriages, and instead work to eliminate the affair from their lives. I don't agree, but I understand.

 

However. This is not one of those situations. This is a situation in which he has a right to make a choice before getting married. And you're not letting him make that choice - I understand that you're worried you'd only tell out of guilt, but I'm sure a lot of the reason you don't want to is out of fear and a desire to keep control over the situation; if you give up that control, it's possible he'll choose to walk away. But the thing is, it's respectful to him to give him that option. It's disrespectful not to. And it's manipulative.

 

And since you yourself aren't even sure why you're doing it, aside from understanding that you somehow need a certain kind of attention and thrilling buzz, it's even more unfair to embroil another person in this without giving him a heads-up. Because there's no telling how long it'll be before you've figured this thing out. Don't make him wait in ignorance. Be straight up with him. Maybe he'll surprise you and stick around.

[sweet&simple]

Tell your boyfriend.

 

Seriously, are you KIDDING me that you're thinking about going through the marriage when a] you have NO self control when it comes to other guys and have been cheating b] you've stated you KNOW your bf deserves better and c] you are aware you don't want to be married.. look at how UNFAIR you are being.

 

Also, who ****ing CARES that you wouldn't want to know if someone was cheating on you-- are you your boyfriend? Here's a thought-- put someone before yourself for once [hey-- it can be your first "grown up," move].. tell him what you've been up to. He should get to make the choice to stay with you or leave you.

 

In all honesty, you shouldn't be with anyone. Great your in counseling, continue that SINGLE and sort your **** out.

[BettyBoop]

Perhaps you keep doing it because you have a poor self esteem. You don't think you're good enough. You don't think you deserve to be with a good guy and you don't think you deserve to be loved hence you don't trust when someone genuinely loves and cares about you. You find ways to sabotage it. You seek out non-substanstive and unhealthy relationships with men for example, your affair with a MM because you don't feel you deserve anything healthy.

 

I agree with this poster. I know what you are going through btw, if it is too based on low self-esteem, so I'm not going to judge you like the other posters.

 

Kudos to you for going to councelling - that is the first step in the right direction! I'm not gonna post any advice on the post here because I'll probably get flamed for not agreeing with everyone else, but if you ever want to talk 2 someone who knows what it feels like I'm just a PM away.

[GreenEyedLady]

I AGREE I need to grow up. I AGREE I shouldn't be getting married. I AGREE my BF deserves better, without a doubt. I am no better than the MM I was previously involved with. I AGREE that it's all f*cked up too.

 

I am definitely NOT a sex-addict. I haven't had sex with anyone else and mostly, with sex, I can take it or leave it. I have great sex with my BF, the best by far that I have ever had.

 

Yes, I guess it IS an attention thing. I have always had problems with food, poor body image, etc, but this is no excuse. I AM seeing a counsellor and I am hoping this will help me to become a better person as I appreciate that what I am doing is extremely selfish and self-absorbed.

 

WWIU, I knew I could rely on you for some good advice, although I could NEVER tell my BF. I used to be a firm believer in confessing but the way I see it now is that all it would do is alleviate MY guilt and would not do my BF any favours whatsoever. If it was me I would rather be kept in the dark than have to deal with the fact that someone has cheated on me. Still, that's just me. Manugeorge - your advice was very constructive too and I appreciate it. Thanks.

 

((POSH))

 

I think you're sabotaging yourself.

 

You don't want to get married and you can't bring yourself to tell your fiancee. You're excited about the preparing and the wedding, but not ready to say til death do you part, with him and maybe not at all.

 

I think this is in your subconcious. You've been hurt so much in the past. This is only going to cause more hurt. Why not forget about the getting married for now part? Is he really the one you want to marry? It should be about the R and the people involved. Not the ceremony.

 

(HUGS)

[SoulStorm]

I agree with serial muse and the rest of the posters that tell you to tell your boyfriend.

 

You are disrespecting him by making a decision for him. This is no longer about your guilt, it's about respect. You disrespected your bf by cheating and you will further disrespect him by trying to keep this to yourself.

 

The truth always comes out. It likes to be seen. whether 20 seconds or twenty years from now..it will reveal itself..with or without you.

 

If you plan to keep this to yourself, you might as well be swimming in shark infested waters with blood soaked fish tied around your waist.

 

You may get a great distance swimming, but eventually you will get bit. Think about it.

[NoIDidn't]

((POSH))

 

I think you're sabotaging yourself.

 

You don't want to get married and you can't bring yourself to tell your fiancee. You're excited about the preparing and the wedding, but not ready to say til death do you part, with him and maybe not at all.

 

I think this is in your subconcious. You've been hurt so much in the past. This is only going to cause more hurt. Why not forget about the getting married for now part? Is he really the one you want to marry? It should be about the R and the people involved. Not the ceremony.

 

(HUGS)

 

I agree with much of what GEL posted. This is self-sabotage. And like JamesM, said, you were expecting the bashing because you have probably been doing it to yourself.

 

The A with xMM only intensified something inside of you. Be honest during your therapy sessions. And if you are being honest with the therapist, then open your ears and hear yourself. Listen to that inner turmoil instead of trying to drown it out with all this relationship and flirting noise.

 

I don't really think you are ready to be married with all that has happened. Work on Posh. Love yourself, girlfriend. VALUE yourself. Stop throwing yourself away. Stop criticizing yourself. Too much is at stake. Too much.

[PoshPrincess]

PoshPrincess

 

Get out of both relationships.

Your BF deserves better treatment than your whoring about, and the MM is a cowardly a**hole that deserves nothing.

 

I am not with a MM and haven't been for two years. I was seeing a SG very briefly although that is now over. I agree with everything else you said about me though!

[PoshPrincess]

Posh, you knew what kind of answers you would get, because I am guessing that you were telling yourself the same things. The question is WHY do you cheat.

 

Even though it is just kissing and not actual sex, it seems to me that you are afraid that the day is coming that you will go all the way. And you are hoping to catch it before it becomes a major problem.

 

It is not just about this guy. I agree, you should break up with him if you do not love him enough to be committed to him. However, I think there just may be something to the idea that you enjoy the thrill of cheating.

 

When you were with your MM, it was all secretive and exciting. No, you did not like that you had to be secretive yet it added something to the relationship, yes?

 

Now this normal relationship can get kinda boring, and a momentary thrill can be had by sneaking around again. I may be way off, but that was my first impression.

 

What about alcohol? Does all of your flirting and cheating happen while you are intoxicated and at a bar?

 

Back off from a serious relationship until you have figured yourself out. It will be less painful that way.

 

James, sound advice as always. I guess there is an element of the thrill about it all and I know that I am easily bored in every element of my life too. I have discovered that much through my counselling. Re the alcohol, you have kind of hit the nail on the head there. I do have more restraint when sober that's for sure. Of course, the answer would be to stop drinking....hmmmm....

[PoshPrincess]

TS, your post really made me laugh (in the nicest possible way...

 

Two extremely simple explanations:

 

a) he's the wrong guy and he's kind of boring you...no spark or chemistry so you go out and flirt to get it

 

BF definitely isn't boring, far from it, which is why I can't understand why I do what I do.

 

b) you love being the center of attention-your username says it all

 

In some ways, yes, I do like being the centre of attention. That, I also get from my BF. I'd never had that before my R with MM which I think is why I fell for him so hard. As for my username, I've always felt that may need to come with an explanation! It was meant ironically as when I was seeing my MM he used to call me his Princess and for some strange reason he thought I was posh too (I most certainly am not!)

[Lishy]

PP, you are wanting the single life and the excitement and you are so not ready to settle down yet. You are looking for validation and attention and that is why you are kissing other guys.

 

Stop doing this to yourself, end it with your BF and go kis as many men as you want and when you are ready to settle down you will know because you will not be looking at other guys.

 

Good luck

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks very much to GEL, NoIDidn't, and the other later posters for your understanding. I agree to an extent with what everyone on here says to me and about me and can totally understand the bashing! AND believe it or not I know that telling BF (if I am planning on staying with him) would be the right thing to do. I am just very confused about everything at the moment. Tomorrow will be my first counselling session for a long time and, yes, I am always 100% honest with him as there would be no point in going otherwise. I know deep down that I need to be single and to sort my own head out before involving anyone else. I have always been really bad at ending relationships - I am a coward!!!!

 

BettyBoop, I will PM you - thanks x