99.9% not over it - I just need to let it out - why do I still hope for nothing

[jadorelareine]

Hi.

Just a back story.

I am 99.9% over this..consciously, my subconscious though probably will never get over this. I've had many realistic dreams...and just thoughts that happen. But I am over it to the point where I am not upset, depressed..or anything but there is this .1%

However typing this is making me a bit emotion - I don't know why...

 

I'm 20 and this guy was also 20 (at the time).

Him and I are of two different religions...

I had a crush on this young man since spring 2007 but never thought any thing of it. It was one of those - "WHO IS THAT" glances and it stuck with me all the way to the fall 2007 semester, but I still didn't think anything of it. Until he started talking to me before a test. Just a little bit but I'm sure many of you can relate when your crush talks to you, it's a HUGE deal.

 

Nothing happened after that but then he kept talking to me before tests and sort of checking me out in class. He would side glance, flex his muscles, and did this 'peacock' routine, where he would remove his sweatshirt to show off his tight tshrit underneath.

 

A week or so after that. There was another test, and he spoke to me. Always initiating the conversation...and then the next class that same day, we had a test and I got there about 30 minutes before and then a couple minutes he shows up and when he see's me he smiles from ear to ear and sits next to me. We talk for about 35-40 minutes about everything from sibilings, to our childhood, music. He was so excited and he was happy and jittery and just..enjoyable...He smiled.

 

So we planned to meet up at the mall for a sale, but it didn't happen because neither of ask for each other's cell number.

 

The weekend coming back to classes, he didn't say a word to me. He would give me these O_O looks and walk a way. Nothing in the library. Nothing in person. Nothing in class. He would avoid me in the classroom, not glancing at me as much as he used too. BUT he would talk to me online, every time...but I would message him first and initiate the conversation.

 

This lasted for a couple of weeks and at this point I believed him to be passive aggressive. The way he acted towards me in person was almost different than how he was online.

 

Then I'm in the library and he is there as well and he never says anything to me, but ONE day, out of the blue, he messages me online, "By the way you walked by me in the library and didn't say hi." When he did this, 100's of times to me, almost every day.

 

I made the mistake of telling him my feelings...he said he didn't feel the same...which I was fine with.

 

Weird things happened. I don't know why things in life are linked...or maybe I am just looking for coincidences. I was leaving campus on a day I had class and he didn't and out of no where motorcycle is in front of my car. He turned around - I suppose he got spooked by the car. But it was just so weird.

 

I stopped talking to him online for months after that, but out of know where I sent him a message and we started talking...casually as always..and always polite...but then something strange happened. I was in the library at table 1 and he was sitting at table 3. This random man comes sits at my table and starts talking to me, flirting, and was very interested in me (the feelings were not mutual lol). When my (crush) got up from Table 3 he saw what was happening at my table, and the look on his face was priceless. He was shocked and a bit angry. He just walked out of the library to go to class.

 

So I am in the hall waiting for a class with a friend and my (crush) comes walking down the hall and says Hi to me and smiles, a smile I haven't seen in about 6 months. And then he leans on the wall, looks at me, and then just leans on the wall.

 

That was the last day of the semester and the last day I saw him in person.

I deleted his sn from my lists but I have not defriended him on facebook.

 

In my heart, I felt that the stars were aligning, that this was it. He fit the mold perfectly...I was willing to change who I am, convert...but there was this wall, this barrier of religion, emotions, and lack of communication that shuffled the stars out of alignment.

 

I the .1% of me hopes that our paths will cross again but I know thats highly unlikely.

[EmperorR]

I know people say hope is the last to die, I believe in hope and life as a maze. My girl went away on a trip she gve me all the cards I have ever given here jus to hold on to before she left we cried together it's like I knew deep down this could be it for now. I took the cards etc n j told her I'll give them back to you when you get back. My girl dumped me I still have the cards I know it's pathethic n I'm moving onbut I still think that the person I knew n love will e back one day

[JooLee]

i agree with Emperor. its crazy, despite how bad someone treats us but how bad things were, when it involves the matter of the heart.. you just cant help it. your mind knows there's no hope.. but the heart doesnt want to believe it. its been 3 months since the break up and the ex is already dating a girl for one month and telling her he loves her but yet, i still hope that one day he'll wake up and realise he still wants to be with me. sometimes i think its maybe cause rejection is not something we can accept so we hold on to this tiny hope to make ourselves feel better. i dont know - but thats jus my 2 cents..

[HopeDiesLast]

hences my screen name

[jadorelareine]

Thank you all for the replies.

I agree with all your comments, esp. Joo Lee...about rejection.

 

Maybe i'm a fool...

I just checked his fbook profile and he changed his religious views to something less strict. i don't understand how you can change something you were born into and that you're parents are orthodox but now you're not orthodox your just 'regular'...and is this a good sign...i mean if he's much more liberal now maybe religion is not a big deal anymore.

[Intergalactic]

don't EVER be willing to change yourself to someone you're not for another person. and even if you're thinking it, don't ever ever let it be known. it's not good. don't be a doormat. i'm sure you're a strong, beautiful and personable woman, and you need to realise that the man worth of you won't need you to change.

i know for myself that any man willing to change who is to be with me is not what i want anyway. no opinion? no distinct personality? no discussions comprising of differing views? no thank you.

[ioncebelieved]

The infamous hope!!!

 

It is certainly a double edge sword, this thing called HOPE!!!

 

Hope made me hold on for way too long as it still does.

 

Hope made me break my NC for almost 3 months this week.

 

Hope made me lose my pride and dignity.

 

Hope made me do all the silly things that have not worked.

 

Hope made me think one day she will come back.

 

I guess my misguided hope has about killed me. Hope can be a good thing, but just use HOPE wisely.

[EmperorR]

The infamous hope!!!

 

It is certainly a double edge sword, this thing called HOPE!!!

 

Hope made me hold on for way too long as it still does.

 

Hope made me break my NC for almost 3 months this week.

 

Hope made me lose my pride and dignity.

 

Hope made me do all the silly things that have not worked.

 

Hope made me think one day she will come back.

 

I guess my misguided hope has about killed me. Hope can be a good thing, but just use HOPE wisely.

 

lol but are you without hope?

You Hope to live another day, you hope to have a job next week etc.,

[ioncebelieved]

lol but are you without hope?

You Hope to live another day, you hope to have a job next week etc.,

 

Nope not w/o hope!!!

 

I have hope in good things as well as misguided and delusional things!

 

Hope for same great health with me working hard on it.

 

Hope for a love that tops the one I have hope for now.

 

Hope things will get better.

 

See I have some decent hope goals!

[jadorelareine]

I think I will contact him...it's over AIM which is just the dumbest form of communication but like he did so many times in the past he will probably chat with me and not be the man and tell me to leave him alone. You know, I could totally have taken that, if he would have said it but not the mixture of emotions, I don't know how to feel most of the time.