tomtom26 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I posted this before, seeing if anyone catches this with a new title that is more pertinent. Thanks for reading and helping out.......it means a lot to me to have this support here, I need it! I was in a short relationship that only last 3 months. Everything in our relationship up until this point was great, except for a few bumps here and there. So here are the facts: - I'm 26, she's 25 - Both well educated, both with great jobs - Same cultural backgrounds - We were only at a level where we had intense makeout sessions and some rub-rub. Sex was brought up, by her on a number of occasions, but we decided it was going to happen when the time was right. - She hung out with members of my family, close friends - I did the same with her and her family and close friends - She one day said that she was very confused about the whole situation and that the serious relationship was something she wasn't ready for. - She said she respected me, she liked me very much, I was easy to talk to, I "got" her and vise versa, and the kicker......she was absolutely attracted to me. (Don't know if all this was BS, but have no reason to doubt). - I asked about other guys, and first she said I couldn't ask her that, and I kept asked if there was a particular guy she had an urge for, and she said no, and that if there was anybody she had an urge to be with (sexually) was me. So we broke up after 3 months. During this time I became very attached to her and I started to care about her immensely, more than I have with any other girl in the same time frame. What do you guys think is going on? I am trying NC. The day after we broke up, she messaged me to ask if I was ok. I implemented NC immediately after break up. She emailed me 3 days later with chit-chat stuff. Haven't heard from her since. It's been about 2 weeks since our break up. so the question is: DOES NC WORK WITH A SHORT RELATIONSHIP? WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING OUT FOR??
Author tomtom26 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Any personal stories or experiences in this arena? Any advice and input would be greatly appreciated. I'm totally in this girl and I want to get her back, only if it is to get to know her better and vise versa.
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I posted this before, seeing if anyone catches this with a new title that is more pertinent. Thanks for reading and helping out.......it means a lot to me to have this support here, I need it! I was in a short relationship that only last 3 months. Everything in our relationship up until this point was great, except for a few bumps here and there. So here are the facts: - I'm 26, she's 25 - Both well educated, both with great jobs - Same cultural backgrounds - We were only at a level where we had intense makeout sessions and some rub-rub. Sex was brought up, by her on a number of occasions, but we decided it was going to happen when the time was right. - She hung out with members of my family, close friends - I did the same with her and her family and close friends - She one day said that she was very confused about the whole situation and that the serious relationship was something she wasn't ready for. - She said she respected me, she liked me very much, I was easy to talk to, I "got" her and vise versa, and the kicker......she was absolutely attracted to me. (Don't know if all this was BS, but have no reason to doubt). - I asked about other guys, and first she said I couldn't ask her that, and I kept asked if there was a particular guy she had an urge for, and she said no, and that if there was anybody she had an urge to be with (sexually) was me. So we broke up after 3 months. During this time I became very attached to her and I started to care about her immensely, more than I have with any other girl in the same time frame. What do you guys think is going on? I am trying NC. The day after we broke up, she messaged me to ask if I was ok. I implemented NC immediately after break up. She emailed me 3 days later with chit-chat stuff. Haven't heard from her since. It's been about 2 weeks since our break up. so the question is: DOES NC WORK WITH A SHORT RELATIONSHIP? WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING OUT FOR?? So did you ignore both the msg she sent you the day after the break up AND the email 3 days later? I would say by your doing that, she is feeling really hurt by it. Hurt that you're ignoring her. As for NC, it depends on what you're trying to achieve. If you are using NC to just let go and move on, then definitely just keep at it indefinitely. If you are using NC to get her back? Well obviuosly if you just ignore her entirely she'd be too hurt and she will probably leave you alone. If you want her back, you should have LC perhaps...and it can get tricky and it depends on the situation. I bet that if you send a short reply right now just replying in a cold/short manner, yet not rude, and remain cordial, it will drive her nuts (in a good way). That being said, even if she feels jealous etc or whatever, she may not necessarily want you back. I was in her shoes before.
Author tomtom26 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 So did you ignore both the msg she sent you the day after the break up AND the email 3 days later? I would say by your doing that, she is feeling really hurt by it. Hurt that you're ignoring her. As for NC, it depends on what you're trying to achieve. If you are using NC to just let go and move on, then definitely just keep at it indefinitely. If you are using NC to get her back? Well obviuosly if you just ignore her entirely she'd be too hurt and she will probably leave you alone. If you want her back, you should have LC perhaps...and it can get tricky and it depends on the situation. I bet that if you send a short reply right now just replying in a cold/short manner, yet not rude, and remain cordial, it will drive her nuts (in a good way). That being said, even if she feels jealous etc or whatever, she may not necessarily want you back. I was in her shoes before. She sent me a IM the next day asking how I was. I replied good. She then said that she just wanted to say hi, and then I said hi, and that was it.... I replied to her email 3 days later and kept it very very brief. I said, I was real busy too and said I hope all is well with you, and that was it. Now Gummybear, you said you were in her shoes before, please shed some light on the situation for me please. She has said many times that she likes me A LOT, she has said I'm mature beyond my years, that she respects me, I'm so easy to talk to, I understand her, and I've always been there to support her and make her feel good about herself. Maybe I was too supportive and giving and that was offputting. She also said she was very physically attracted to me. I always told her that I thought we were "good" and my gut feeling was telling me that this was going to work out. Maybe she thought I was looking for something super serious and marriage, which I am not. I'm looking for something long term, but I never forced the situation to define us as a "couple" of wonder if we're official bf/gf or not. When she brought up intimacy, I held back and said it would happen when it was right. I definitely gave mixed signals. She knew I was totally into her, and she was totally in to me. She knew I wanted something serious, but I was also taking my time. But she left because she said she wasn't ready for something so serious. That could be total BS, but all the emotions and attraction was there as well. What is going on? Can you shed some of your female perspective on this? And also how I move forward from here on out to maximize our chances of getting back together??
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 She sent me a IM the next day asking how I was. I replied good. She then said that she just wanted to say hi, and then I said hi, and that was it.... I replied to her email 3 days later and kept it very very brief. I said, I was real busy too and said I hope all is well with you, and that was it. Now Gummybear, you said you were in her shoes before, please shed some light on the situation for me please. She has said many times that she likes me A LOT, she has said I'm mature beyond my years, that she respects me, I'm so easy to talk to, I understand her, and I've always been there to support her and make her feel good about herself. Maybe I was too supportive and giving and that was offputting. She also said she was very physically attracted to me. I always told her that I thought we were "good" and my gut feeling was telling me that this was going to work out. Maybe she thought I was looking for something super serious and marriage, which I am not. I'm looking for something long term, but I never forced the situation to define us as a "couple" of wonder if we're official bf/gf or not. When she brought up intimacy, I held back and said it would happen when it was right. I definitely gave mixed signals. She knew I was totally into her, and she was totally in to me. She knew I wanted something serious, but I was also taking my time. But she left because she said she wasn't ready for something so serious. That could be total BS, but all the emotions and attraction was there as well. What is going on? Can you shed some of your female perspective on this? And also how I move forward from here on out to maximize our chances of getting back together?? It seems like there is not much you can do. It's up to her if she wants you back. You should keep with the NC. If she contact you again, tell her that you're not ready to talk and that you want some time/space on your own for a bit. Then be strong and don't contact her ever again. If she wants you back, then she will let you know. Either she misses you like crazy and can't take it and begs for you back, or she pushes through her feelings for you and waits it out until she's over you and lets you go. If you read my threads, in my situation after I broke up with my ex (because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him but at the same time I didnt want to string him along so I decided it was best to just end it), he told me he needed space and maybe we can be friends after awhile, and it drove me nuts....I couldn't take it and I emailed him. He probably should of just emailed me back with a brief msg (so I think what you doing is good) but instead he called me and he didn't want to get off the phone with me and he suggested we date again. I went from missing him to feeling pressured again. It went on for a few more days until I felt guilty like I was strining him along and I told him that there is no chance of us being together for good. He blocked me from IM and told me to never contact him again (the fact that he was so harsh really made me decide that I made the right decision after all...so it's good that you remain cordial with your ex). Right now I do still miss my ex but I don't regret my deicision to not be with him. Basically, you have little control over the situation. All you can do is to remain cordial and stick with NC. Just try to move on and if she comes back then great, but if not, at least you're getting on with your life.
Author tomtom26 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 It seems like there is not much you can do. It's up to her if she wants you back. You should keep with the NC. If she contact you again, tell her that you're not ready to talk and that you want some time/space on your own for a bit. Then be strong and don't contact her ever again. If she wants you back, then she will let you know. Either she misses you like crazy and can't take it and begs for you back, or she pushes through her feelings for you and waits it out until she's over you and lets you go. If you read my threads, in my situation after I broke up with my ex (because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him but at the same time I didnt want to string him along so I decided it was best to just end it), he told me he needed space and maybe we can be friends after awhile, and it drove me nuts....I couldn't take it and I emailed him. He probably should of just emailed me back with a brief msg (so I think what you doing is good) but instead he called me and he didn't want to get off the phone with me and he suggested we date again. I went from missing him to feeling pressured again. It went on for a few more days until I felt guilty like I was strining him along and I told him that there is no chance of us being together for good. He blocked me from IM and told me to never contact him again (the fact that he was so harsh really made me decide that I made the right decision after all...so it's good that you remain cordial with your ex). Right now I do still miss my ex but I don't regret my deicision to not be with him. Basically, you have little control over the situation. All you can do is to remain cordial and stick with NC. Just try to move on and if she comes back then great, but if not, at least you're getting on with your life. Thanks Gummybear for the response, I really appreciate it. Can I ask how long you two were together before you decided to step back? I also do wonder sometime whether NC really works since we were only together for 3 months. Can you shed some light on that as well, did you miss him even after a short time? Did you get over him quickly because that strong bond (sometimes built over a years time) was there? I think she may just forget about me and move on, but I sometimes wonder if all those things she said about me were really true, if she could forget about me so easily. One last question, if she keeps calling to just chit-chat and I tell her that I need my space and time as well and that she should respect that the way I respected her decision, does this keep her from calling me. I would want her to, or at that point would the burden of contact be on me? Thanks so much for your input. I know I'm asking a lot of questions but to find a girl that was in a situation just like my ex is somewhat refreshing. I appreciate your time in helping me out!
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 My ex and I were only together for 2 months, which was very very short, but I can tell you that even after 5 weeks since the break (3 weeks NC), I still miss him and think about him every day. The first few days/weeks was really hard but it did get much easier for me. Until ofcourse just a day ago I had this crazy urge to contact him again. The urge is still here right now and I'm just fighting it. I figure it's unfair for me to contact him when I've decided not to be with him. One last question, if she keeps calling to just chit-chat and I tell her that I need my space and time as well and that she should respect that the way I respected her decision, does this keep her from calling me. I would want her to, or at that point would the burden of contact be on me? That's a good question. I'm not sure what you should do in this case but I can tell you what my ex did and how I reacted/felt. When he told me nicely that he needed space, I tried my best to give him space but 5 days later I couldn't take it and just sent him a short email. In my email, I apologized for contacting him even when he told me we should stop talking for a bit, but that I just wanted to let him know I finally started my new job. But the last time we talked, he told me in a very mean way to not contact him if I don't want to be with him. So now even though it gets hard at times, I try my best to not contact him because it really would be a bruise to my ego if I still call him even though he told me not to. HOWEVER, I also know that I don't want to be with him so it really would be unfair for me to contact him just because I miss him. But I think had I realized I made a mistake, then I might call him to ask to get back even if it means putting aside some of my pride. It's hard to say because everyone is different. But I can tell you that the times when he tells me not to call is when I miss him the most. It drives me crazy. So yes, overall, I think it would be good if she calls to chit chat that you tell her that she should respect your decision to go NC. If she wants you back, she will call you to tell you that. But also realize that she may also never call you. If that is the case, then she would have no intention of getting back with you and it will be for the better. Also, don't block your ex on IM or anything. Just delete her, no need to block her. When my ex blocked me, it kind of made me want to be with him less because it made him seem bitter/immature. Whatever you do, remain cordial and try not to show that you are bitter.
Author tomtom26 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Thanks gummybear, you've been a great help!
gummybear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Thanks gummybear, you've been a great help! np, let me know how it goes, good luck and remain strong!
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