SmartWoman321 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I have started attending a Divorcecare support group offered at my church- this group is offered at about 3 different places in my community- I think it is a nation wide thing.... anyway- its quite intense and I have only been to 2 sessions so far, but at the last one, there was an analogy used that really made sense. They said that when two people marry, they are "joined as one flesh"- that "the two become as one". And when you seperate/divorce, its not two people separating but rather "one person being ripped in two"- which leaves each individual with a gaping, bloody, bleeding wound. Thus the pain. Wow. Yes, thats exactly how I feel, even though I am the initiater in my divorce. If you are a religious person, they say that the only thing that can heal this woun is, God. If you are not religious, I suppose you could guess that time and therapy would be able to heal this open wound. I thought it was interesting and right on the money.
2sure Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Thank you for posting that - it did speak to me. Often when people come to this board with a serious problem in their marriage, the first advice they get is : Get a divorce. If it were that cut and dry, the people posing the questions...wouldnt have any! Why do they stay? Because tearing apart the union that is marriage should be the hardest thing, the last resort.
PWSX3 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I have started attending a Divorcecare support group offered at my church- this group is offered at about 3 different places in my community- I think it is a nation wide thing.... anyway- its quite intense and I have only been to 2 sessions so far, but at the last one, there was an analogy used that really made sense. They said that when two people marry, they are "joined as one flesh"- that "the two become as one". And when you seperate/divorce, its not two people separating but rather "one person being ripped in two"- which leaves each individual with a gaping, bloody, bleeding wound. Thus the pain. Wow. Yes, thats exactly how I feel, even though I am the initiater in my divorce. If you are a religious person, they say that the only thing that can heal this woun is, God. If you are not religious, I suppose you could guess that time and therapy would be able to heal this open wound. I thought it was interesting and right on the money. I am also taking the class here at a local church & it has been very helpful. I've been going for three weeks & we have done 6 chapters. I don't know your story but I don't understand how the person that is the initiator can hurt. My stbxw is the one that moved out & to me I was the thorn in her side so she should be happy that she is away from me. She said she felt like she was always under my thumb so now she is free so why would you be sad? I look forward to the classes each week & I plan on being a b-back, that is what they call people that come to classes after they have been threw it once. Sure most of it is common since but like the tearing of flesh was a good way to put it. You also hear others stories & know you aren't the only one out there.
GettingThere Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 That is exactly it! I too was the person who initiated the seperation but I do feel like I've been ripped in two. Wow that makes so much sense. I wonder how long it takes to heal?
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 That is exactly it! I too was the person who initiated the seperation but I do feel like I've been ripped in two. Wow that makes so much sense. I wonder how long it takes to heal? In the Divorcecare video, it said it takes an average of 5 years to be "ok". I am sure for some, shorter- for others, longer.
GettingThere Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 In the Divorcecare video, it said it takes an average of 5 years to be "ok". I am sure for some, shorter- for others, longer. 5 Years!!! Aarghhh I wonder if it takes the same for the person who didn't initiate it? It trully is the most horrific thing I've ever been through and I was ready for it.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I don't know your story but I don't understand how the person that is the initiator can hurt. My stbxw is the one that moved out & to me I was the thorn in her side so she should be happy that she is away from me. She said she felt like she was always under my thumb so now she is free so why would you be sad? ***I am sure many people who were the ones "left" have the same question, and I can understand why you would wonder that. Only those of us on the other side can understand this, but I will try to explain- no matter if you were the initiator, or the one "left"---it is still an ending of a marriage, for both people. (unless there is abuse, I would think that everyone involved is going thru the grieveing and the pain of the end of a marriage) In my case, it tears me apart to do this, I have dealt with incredible guilt, guilt that brings me to tears when I think about it. Guilt and pain that I am hurting my stbx, that my children have to go thru this. I feel a loss of what dreams I had for this marriage, for my future. I have fears of being alone, of trying to pay the mortgage as a single mom, of paying the bills. Yes, I am the one "leaving", but I love my stbx, he has been by my side for 20 years. But I have realized that we don't love each other like we should, we have nothing in common, we don't communicate, we don't share, we have no chemistry, no passion, no connections at all. We have lived seperate lives for years and MC didn't change anything. I cannot love him like I want to love a husband and that isn't fair to him nor fair to me. I hung on for the sake of the kids, until they were a bit older (teens) and were less dependant on us (and not as difficult!)(although thats debatable). I feel deep sadness and loss that my marriage cannot be what I need it to be. I feel incredible pain to turn my stbx's world upside down. Sometimes I just panic and feel like calling the whole D off, but then I remember what it was like and what it WOULD be like if we were to remain married. I would rather be alone than in such a lonely marriage. In my opinion, staying together for the wrong reasons is nothing but torture for all involved. So yes, those of us who are the ones leaving, especially those of us who have not met someone else, we are in pain too- we have been ripped apart and left bleeding also, we are grieving the loss of this marriage..... I know I am.
High Plains Drifter Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I liked this. Very realistic. You can continue to look back...or... Look forward...
manymaliboo Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Interesting to hear about the pain of those leaving. My husband had an affair, stayed for awhile, if you call drinking every night and coming home after the kids and I went to bed being at home. Promised to work things out, didn't even try. He has told me he thinks of coming back all the time, but that he just can't. He won't go to MC. Says if you are married to the right person it should be easy, not work. It has been so painful for me. I look at my 2 children 5 & 7. How hard this is on them, how they truly need both of us. I have the loss of my marriage, my family, my dream. The day I took my wedding vows, I meant every word, for better for worse....Not just when it is wonderful, but throught the hard times and yes even the pain. The pain of another ending your "family" and you have no say, is so hard, so devastating. I realize that we all have diffefrent stories, but it hard for me to see him as in pain. Too me if it was painful for him, he would have tried a little harder. He would have swolled that pride and gone to MC. For him, for me and for our chldren. Anyway, as I said, all of our stories are different. I can see the hardships and pain throughout these threads. No matter if you are the one that were left, or in some cases had to leave, it is so nice to not feel alone!
PWSX3 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I had sent my stbxw a email a couple of days ago & just told her what I was doing, trying to figure out why I did the things I did in our marriage, that I was doing the divorcecare classes, etc. I really didn't think I would get a response from her but I got one today & here it is: I am the happiest I have been since we first started seeing our M/C. That is all I ever plan on telling you about ME, because as you know, it isn't my style. To me that doesn't sound like someone that is having trouble leaving her marriage. In our class we have two helpers (can't remember what they call them) but they have both been single now for 3 years & they both say it has been the best thing that could have happened to them. A friend just told me tonight that I need to stop just looking at the good things in our marriage, she said to look at the bad as well. Then you realize that is just wasn't your fault & I thought that was pretty good. As for you feeling guilt because of what you did, a gal at my work said the same thing. She felt guilty because it was wrecking a family and what it would do to her kids but as far as the divorce that part she knew was over. One of her boys still doesn't talk to her & she lost a lot of family because of it. That is what she is sad about, not because of the divorce, she was just tired of trying.
sumdude Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 That is about how it feels emotionally, I was the one left. It's been a year for me since the D became official. Feel a lot better in many ways than a while back.. still on some days ... it's hard to get my self out of bed. Just feels like parts of me are missing. It gets better,.. 5 years seems pretty long I usually hear about 2 or so. Depends on the individual, some people are just more deeply emotional than others. I don't think you ever actually get over it you just learn to live with it and move on. All you can do is get busy living your life. The pain comes and goes and you just keep going.
PWSX3 Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 I also think if you have kids it will be harder as well because you will always have some type of contact with the X because of graduations, marriages, grandkid's, etc. I was talking to my buddy who lived with a girl over 8 years ago & things still come up that remind him of her once in a while so like sumdude said; you just learn to deal with it. It might not hurt like it did but they are still in your mind & in your past memories.
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