I Say She Cheated But She Denies It & Now Need On With the Complications. Long

[Mike B.]

I started dating this woman at work a year ago. We are both in our early 30s. We work very close with each other in the same work area. Over the following several months, we had developed to the point where I was spending many nights over her house and her kid had become attached to me

When we first began dating, she stated that she wanted to keep our relationship under wraps because she did not want a lot of people in her business and she wasn’t sure what my intentions were (if I only wanted to sleep with her or not). I agreed since I am a very private person myself. Well, after a few months, she stated that she loved me and began to tell some of her friends at work that we were together. Soon, more people began to find out just because they would see me coming out of a room she was working in or talking to her in the room

 

Towards the beginning of the relationship, she started telling me that this guy, Tim, who had just started working at our workplace was asking her out and asking for her number. She told me that she refused him all of the time. I jokingly, but with a tinge of truth, told her that she could be just telling me this all of the time in case I walked into a room with her and him talking and she would already have her tracks covered. She insisted that she could never date a guy like him because he “is ugly” and she has to, at least, be physically attracted to a guy to even consider dating him

 

Now, our relationship was a bit tortuous because I felt that she was a bit selfish and had a short temper. I walked away on a couple of occasions because I had discussed these things with her and felt she was not improving in those areas. Each time she practically begged me to give her another chance and assured me she would improve. A few months ago, I just got fed up and broke things off. She was crying hard and tried to stop me from leaving. She tried to get me back but I told her that I just think it would not work between us. Later, since her son had grown to look at me as a father figure, I learned that she just told him that I was out of town while we were split.

After a couple of months of being apart, we began to talk again and start dating again. There was a significant improvement in her behavior but I felt she was acting strange for the following reasons:

 

-After we got back together, she stated that a couple of her coworkers/friends tried to encourage her to date Tim. She said that she refused to on fear of giving me the wrong impression and not being attracted to him anyway. After we got back together, she told me he was still asking her out. I told her that he keeps asking her out because she had not told him that she has a boyfriend and that’s he should do that. She got quiet and she casually “implied” to me about a week later that she told him when he came on to her again.

 

-After we had sex a couple of time after getting back together, she implied that I get a STD test since I could have slept with another woman while were apart. This was strange to me because she did not request this the first time we had sex and we had already had sex twice since getting back together.

 

She started saying she needs some affection after she requested the test. She was never the affectionate type but now she is asking for it. I began to wonder if she was feeling guilty about something and finding a reason not to be.

 

-Whenever we had a disagreement, she used to try to rectify it right away but she would not even attempt to any more

 

-There was a stretch of days when she would not even call after we had a minor spat. I tried asking her if something was up but she would just deny it.

 

Since we had gotten back together, she would never bring her cell phone to the bedroom at night any more. There were a couple of times I even saw it hidden in her kitchen drawer.

 

-She no longer talked about having my child or marrying me.

 

-Two months after we got back together, she wrote me an email (about 3 weeks ago) saying that she feel that I broke up with her to pursue someone else and she feel that I returned to her because it didn’t work out. She said she felt this way because how I acted towards her after we broke up.

 

-Anyway, about one week ago, while I was spending the night over her place, I noticed that her cellphone was again missing in action. The next morning, I went downstairs to use her PC and her phone was laying next to it so I decided to look at her call log. I saw her and Tim had been talking a lot on the phone. It seems as if she was talking to him almost as much as she was talking to me. They were calling each other late at night as well. I saw that they were calling each other even at 10pm, midnight, and even 1a.m. in the morning (booty call?). They had been calling each other every since we had broken up.

 

I confronted her about it but she denied it. She said Tim was just calling her because he was worried about his situation at work and needed someone to talk to. I told her this was a lie because why would they talk so late, especially after she told me she was going to bed. Also, why did she not tell me they were talking. Better yet, why would she even allow this knowing that I would be against it since he was hitting on her. I even pointed out the call logs where she was calling him on days that he was not calling her and she just walked out of the room after I made that point. Things got kind of ugly. We had our first real argument and I left. She called me later that night and left a voicemail saying she just wanted to see if I was “okay.” I didn’t answer so she texted me asking the same thing and I ignored the text so the following day she sent an email saying that she “never” cheated on me and that all she will say on the subject from this point on.

 

Now, here is the real nail in the coffin. Since Tim, her, and I are work in the same area, I see how they behave towards one another. It is the same sort of things her and I sused to do when we were trying to keep our relationship under wraps in the beginning. When I walk past them in the room, they are whispering to each other. He calls her into rooms to talk to her and she goes in, etc., I have to up with this for two more weeks before I begin working off site for the rest of the year but for now it is tough knowing that she was playing the both of us and shows no remorse. We just walk past each other and don’t speak. I refuse to speak to her unless it is work related and she does not try to speak to me. I wonder how someone could be so heartless to start talking to someone right under her significant other’s nose and especially at work with someone we work closely with! How disrespectful can you be? She is going around laughing and smiling big time at work and it I just shake my head to this. She act like nothing ever happened.

[2sure]

Whether she cheated or not, she has moved on. That in itself will give you issues enough to work through - but you no longer have to be mystified.

 

Back and forth, who needs it. Office stuff is never a good idea - but since it happened -

 

To save face, the best revenge really is living well. Don't be spiteful, I mean, you had her first right? It sounds like you are above this behavior and both of them as well.

[nopainnogain]

Accept that she is not worthy and leave it at that. Dont open a can of worms ,you already know enough to leave her in the dust. They probably did have sex but it doesnt matter if they did or didnt. She already crossed the line. Forget her, be successful and happy and that is your best revenge. Seriously ,forget her!

[Mike B.]

The real challenge here is dealing with the mental aspect of things. I never really had to deal with something like this before. Of course, I have had suspicion in past relationships that my girlfriend may have been cheating but nothing up in my face like this.

 

I try to live by the philosophy that if I do right by others, I have a greatest chance of them doing right by me. I realize that you can't really stop someone from cheating who has a cheating heart or a broken moral compass. But the thing that bothers me is how she handled things.

 

I would at least expect her to at least have showed some type of remorse or class about after I found out about her cheating. I was sort of shocked that her reply was "you are not my husband!" She was just downright nasty about it. There was no "I am sorry for going behind your back. I shouldn't have."

 

Considering that I did right by her throughout our relationship, I would at least have expected her to be more delicate about the situation. She told one of her coworkers just about three weeks before the incident that she can not recall a time that I wasn't good to her. How someone could be so heartless after sleeping with a person for a year, saying they want to marry them and have their kids, seeing their own child's love for him and too just be so cold-hearted in this situation just really shocked me. That is really the tough part. It baffles me that someone can have such a low conscience to operate in such a manner after spending so much time with them.

[Gzus]

Mike B, suck it up, have some dignity and tell her youre not putting up with her bs. Its not right to be talking/texting a 'friend' of the opposite sex when in a relationship, period. Especially to that degree. I would bet she has already had sex with him and has not yet 'secured' him to move on. Dont make yourself a fool or a doormat, leave on your terms and with your dignity intact. She will want you back and feel remorse in that case, otherwise she will continue to disrespect you because you allow it. Sometimes you have to be a d1ck.

[sweet&simple]

I agree with the above.. tell her it's over and move on.

 

Stop focusing on what she did and how she could have done it-- obviously she's not that great of a person, and from the sound of things, you had trouble from the beginning with her anyway. From what you've said, it never seemed like this relationship was going to work out. A good rule of thumb is that if you break up, walk away, whatever you want to call it more than once, it's not worth it. People usually don't change.. once you're broken up, you should stay broken up.

[bish]

Mike B,

Yes, I'd say without a doubt she is messing around with this other guy, or would at least like to and is laying the groundwork.

 

In my experience, if a woman talks about another man quite a bit, even if it is in a bad way, it is usually to tell a half truth to cover up a whole lie.

 

Example, my x-who...ahem, excuse me, x-W, would talk about certain guys all the time. Even told me one that "came on" to her and she, like your woman, said she resisted him. In hindsight it was an obvious that she was trying to cover tracks in case someone ratted her out later so she could say, "remember? i told you about that, and now it got blown out of proportion".

 

And it worked because I believed it. Now I know better.

 

So yes, I'd say your "woman" is cheating and maybe you need to get real evidence and when you do, kick her ass out.

[Mike B.]

Thanks to you all. I must clarify the fact that I did break up with her after I confronted her about the cheating. What is killing me is that I have to see her and Tim at work everyday now. We work in a pretty closed enviroment in our building and to see them whispering to each other all the time, talking privately to each other in rooms and her showing no shame is just really gut wrenching. She just goes around laughing and looking honky-dory as if she just not do something really s****y. Geesh, her son was just asking if I would become his dad one day.

 

 

I knew she wasn't the greatest person but I didn't beleive she was just so shamelessly heartless. I will never get people like that.

[imagine]

Yep! It hurts.

 

How much more if the bullet hit home?

[Mike B.]

 

How much more if the bullet hit home?

 

 

??? Sorry, I don't understand the question. Maybe it was rhetorical...

[Gzus]

Mike, hows it going?

 

Id say shes acting like that because she wants to give the impression she doesnt care to move on and that the breakup isnt bothering her. It probably is bothering her, but she's not going to show it. You need to move on yourself, ignore them (dont call, dont text, dont email and dont talk to them -or if you do, just be cordial) and get out in the game bud. Have another girl or two you can holla at and I bet her tone will change immediately. She 'has an option' and doesnt think you do.

 

****ing bitch, sounds like to me.

[Mike B.]

Mike, hows it going?

 

Id say shes acting like that because she wants to give the impression she doesnt care to move on and that the breakup isnt bothering her. It probably is bothering her, but she's not going to show it. You need to move on yourself, ignore them (dont call, dont text, dont email and dont talk to them -or if you do, just be cordial) and get out in the game bud. Have another girl or two you can holla at and I bet her tone will change immediately. She 'has an option' and doesnt think you do.

 

****ing bitch, sounds like to me.

 

Thanks, Gzus. I haven't said a word, typed a word, nor text a word to her since the day we broke up. What's makes it challenging is that we work in the same enclosed area along with the guy she had cheated me on with. I just walk past her like she doesn't exist when we bump into each other.

 

Since the other guy and I always are working or reading in this one room, I notice that he gets a lot of texts throughout the day and I see him looking over his shoulder sometimes after he reads them as if he is expecting someone to be watching him. I also busted her yesterday making a bee line to come and talk to him in the room we were in. Once she saw me in the room, she turned on her heels immediately, left the room, and did not come back.

 

Like I say, what crushed me more than any thing is the level of the betrayal and nerve of her to do something like this where we both work. It's like a roller coaster. One day I feel like "hey, her loss, I am cool." The next day I am like "how could she be such a B****?" Lol.

[Gzus]

Because people are ****ing **** man. I hate to say it, but they are. And people who have no conscience like her arent worth a second of your time. get out, date. If you want to be really cleverly evil and drive her crazy, start becoming buddies with Tim. Go to lunch with him. Play golf or do something else with him. Tell him youre glad its over between you and her and you have no hard feelings toward him. Dont act like the fact that he's with her bothers you. That will drive her nuts.

 

And the minute you let on to Tim you are talking to another girl, I bet she contacts you immediately. Id start letting onto him youre talking to someone (even if youre not) - not that you want this, but the satisfaction of it would probably be worth it. You know she's got no conscience and you dont want to be with someone like that. So all this is is subtle revenge.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

One thing in your original post puzzled me, where you say she wouldn't alter her behavior. Who are you to try and control her behavior? I can see this as a major turn-off and a very good reason why Tim suddenly seemed more attractive to her.

 

On another note, to me it sounds like she is trying to show you she has moved on, whether or not she has isn't anything to fret over, just move on yourself, or at least put on that you have moved on when you are around her.

[D-Lish]

...I knew she wasn't the greatest person but I didn't beleive she was just so shamelessly heartless. I will never get people like that.

 

It's quite probable she sensed this from you. You said she sent an e-mail saying she felt you had gone looking for someone else and only came back to her because you didn't find someone better. If she said this- she obviously believed it to be true.

 

It's possible she mentally checked out of the relationship after coming to this conclusion. It's tough when kids are involved- I am sure what she wants is someone completely invested, and after you breaking up with her few times- well, I think she knew you weren't going to be there through thick and thin. I think you know you most likely would have walked away again... because the two of you weren't compatible.

 

If she sensed you didn't think she was the "greatest"... she probably decided to look for someone who would think of her that way.

 

I'm not condoning the cheating, only giving one plausible explanation.

 

Believe me, if you always had that sense that she wasn't "the greatest girl for you"... she knew it, she felt it. We always do.

 

So- go about your own busines at work. Play the role of the happy, relieved guy who isn't phased by any of this. You'll be gone from the office and out in the field... so not long left to endure this.

[In Like Flynn]

Do you have any close friends at work?? If so let them know whats going on and ask them to help with some office payback. Just have a lttle conversation from a distance in the office, then as they look you way both look at them then laugh and quickly look the other way. This will get under the skin of your skanky GF...sort of like she is doing to you.

[Mike B.]

One thing in your original post puzzled me, where you say she wouldn't alter her behavior. Who are you to try and control her behavior? I can see this as a major turn-off and a very good reason why Tim suddenly seemed more attractive to her.

 

 

I think you misread my post. I was telling you guys on the site why I was breaking up with her but I never tried to alter her behavior. I feel that either a person is what you are looking for or not and I don't believe in trying to change your partner.

 

Let me clarify: before we broke up the first time, I told her I wasn't feeling good about the relationship most of the time because of certain things she would do or say and I am not sure if the relationship was right for me. She begged me to stay and that she would work on the areas that had me unsettled and be "better." I never ever asked her to do this. She volunteered. After a couple more months went by after that conversation, I felt she was still showing a crappy attitude and disrespectful too many times so I walked. I never tried to change her. I never raised my voice to her up until the time we split this earlier this month but I was completely justified.

 

 

As far as showing me that she moved on, that is not my issue here. I expect her to move on and I expect me to move on. What I didn't expect was her to do something as cruel as start cheating on me with a coworker who we work very closely with. If you gonna cheat, why in the hell would you do it in a place where you and your boyfriend work in such an isolated area?

[Mike B.]

It's quite probable she sensed this from you. You said she sent an e-mail saying she felt you had gone looking for someone else and only came back to her because you didn't find someone better. If she said this- she obviously believed it to be true.

 

It's possible she mentally checked out of the relationship after coming to this conclusion. It's tough when kids are involved- I am sure what she wants is someone completely invested, and after you breaking up with her few times- well, I think she knew you weren't going to be there through thick and thin. I think you know you most likely would have walked away again... because the two of you weren't compatible.

 

If she sensed you didn't think she was the "greatest"... she probably decided to look for someone who would think of her that way.

 

I'm not condoning the cheating, only giving one plausible explanation.

 

Believe me, if you always had that sense that she wasn't "the greatest girl for you"... she knew it, she felt it. We always do.

 

So- go about your own busines at work. Play the role of the happy, relieved guy who isn't phased by any of this. You'll be gone from the office and out in the field... so not long left to endure this.

 

 

You are probaby right. Thanks for your insight.

 

Also, we only broke up once before now.

[D-Lish]

As far as showing me that she moved on, that is not my issue here. I expect her to move on and I expect me to move on. What I didn't expect was her to do something as cruel as start cheating on me with a coworker who we work very closely with. If you gonna cheat, why in the hell would you do it in a place where you and your boyfriend work in such an isolated area?

 

It's because he was there waiting in the wings for her the whole time.

I am sure he encouraged her to confide in him... and he's been playing "the shoulder to cry on" all along.

 

He's been after her since the day she walked into the office. She gravitated toward him because he is right in front of her every day and he made sure she noticed.

 

And if someone is going to cheat- they are most likely to do it with someone that is in front of them every day. Plus, I am sure he pushed this.

[Mike B.]

It's because he was there waiting in the wings for her the whole time.

I am sure he encouraged her to confide in him... and he's been playing "the shoulder to cry on" all along.

 

He's been after her since the day she walked into the office. She gravitated toward him because he is right in front of her every day and he made sure she noticed.

 

And if someone is going to cheat- they are most likely to do it with someone that is in front of them every day. Plus, I am sure he pushed this.

 

Never thought of it that way. This is, of course, quite possible.

[D-Lish]

Never thought of it that way. This is, of course, quite possible.

 

I'm betting he has been passive aggressive in undermining things between you since you started dating.

 

Get a new hair cut/style, buy some new cool shirts, change your cologne (sp?)- and be a friendly social guy with the people in your office. Confuse them by giving a "hey" and a nod if you walk past them.... like you aren't phased. It will give the impression like you just don't care. When you ignore or avoid... they know you're affected. ANd they don't need to have that satisfaction.

[Mike B.]

I'm betting he has been passive aggressive in undermining things between you since you started dating.

 

Get a new hair cut/style, buy some new cool shirts, change your cologne (sp?)- and be a friendly social guy with the people in your office. Confuse them by giving a "hey" and a nod if you walk past them.... like you aren't phased. It will give the impression like you just don't care. When you ignore or avoid... they know you're affected. ANd they don't need to have that satisfaction.

 

 

I am not sure if he really knew we were dating. We kept our ojust between us and a couple of close coworkers but word could have gotten around. Once we got back together, she was telling me how he was still trying to get her number and ask her out (her cellphone log showed that he had been calling her and her him a a few weeks after we broke up at the very least). Word could have possibly have gotten back to him but I am not sure. He really seems like a alright guy but I wouldn't put it past him.

 

I work in a very professional work environment (or at least society expects us to be) so I have to keep my cool.

 

I don't want to speak to her. After betrayal on this level, I just don't want her to think that someone can just do any thing to me and I will be ok with it. Their has to be consequences to her actions. Those consequences will be reflected in me ignoring her.

[Mike B.]

I reflected a little bit more on what you said and the situation I was in. knowing her and just her personality, I strongly feel that she was just playing the both of us until she made a final choice on who she would go with. She was obviously leaning towards Tim and my discovery of the phone calls just gave her the chance to make the full swing over to him.

 

It was just a very selfish thing on her part because two week before this incident, I asked her if she was moving on and if she she were, to just tell me and to not lot things just drag out. She denied that she was trying to move on even though she clearly became more and more distant in our relationship. She could have just used that opportunity to end things right there but I feel that she held on longer because she wanted to get a stronger hold onto Tim before she jumped shipped. I also think her son's attachment to me was probably a hinderance as well.