gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 My wife claims the guy was just a friend and that there never was an affair, either physical or emotional. I don't believe that there was ever a physical affair, however I think there would have been if I hadn't intervened. She claims that she hasn't had any contact with him since November, and I think that's probably correct, but I just can't get over what happened in the past and I don't seem to be able to move on with my life. If I can get her to take a polygraph test, can it detect her feelings toward the guy and can it detect if there was an emotional affair or if it was just friendship?
Tony T Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 If the trust is gone in your marriage, it's in a pretty sorry state. You might be better off calling it quits. In my book it's worse for a married person not to trust his or her spouse than it is for one of the partners to admit to an affair. I don't think it's material if she had a physical or emotional affair. Read your own post above...you are asking us if your own wife should take a lie detector test. It doesn't make any difference what the reason is...you no longer have a marriage. You are not treating her like a beloved wife but as a criminal suspect. Geeze! What's important is that there is no longer trust in your marriage and it needs to be terminated. Trust is like virginity, once compromised it can never be regained.
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 IMO, better to spend the money on MC, if for nothing else to exit the marriage in a more healthy way. Do you really think your feelings and perspective would change if a polygraph indicated your wife was just "friends" with another man? Why? It's been nearly a year. When did she disclose?
JamesM Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I agree that if you are considering a lie detector test, then you have much bigger problems than wondering if it will tell you if your life is cheating. If you do not believe your wife, then there is no guarantee that you will believe the results of the polygraph if it agrees with her. I do think that trust can be regained in a marriage, but it will take time, devotion and complete honesty on the betrayer's side. Can a lie detector catch an EA? Yes, IMO because the purpose of a lie detector test is to see if the person is lying. Out of curiosity, have YOU ever cheated on your wife..physical or emotional? Just curious, because sometimes this plays into the mistrust of her.
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Out of curiosity, have YOU ever cheated on your wife..physical or emotional? Just curious, because sometimes this plays into the mistrust of her. No, although she points out that I did cheat on my prior wife, and because of that she says that I have a double standard.
JamesM Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 No, although she points out that I did cheat on my prior wife, and because of that she says that I have a double standard. Ok, but this does play into this situation, because you know that someone can be lying to your face yet be cheating on the side. It is entirely possible that this man was simply a friend, and you have figured that since you had a gf while married (even if it is to another woman) that she must be doing the same. You may want to sit back and trust her until you actually find evidence that shows she is a cheater.
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Do you really think your feelings and perspective would change if a polygraph indicated your wife was just "friends" with another man? Why? It's been nearly a year. When did she disclose? You have a good point, my feelings probably wouldn't change. She disclosed reluctantly after I confronted her with evidence that I gathered while spying on her computer. But she still insists that she has done nothing wrong and that he's just a friend.
Owl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I'm not sure I agree with everyone else on this. All of us who have been here and seen all the affairs that have been posted KNOW that the cheating spouse will LIE about the affair. They'll deny, blame-shift, avoid, and take any measure they can to keep from facing the fact that they crossed the line. The OP here is in that boat right now. He believes his wife had an affair...she's denying her pretty little head off. Trust is OBVIOUSLY a huge factor here...trust is destroyed when the affair occurs. He's apparently got REASON to distrust her to this degree....he believes she had an affair. He's not wrong for wanting to get to the bottom of it...because if this is ignormed/swept under the rug, it just sets the stage for this to happen again. To the OP: Yes, the odds are high, IF YOU ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, that the emotional affair would come out as a result of a polygraph. Now, the question does come up as to whether or not another method might get you to that point without the stigma of the polygraph. Marriage counseling is something that you need to consider...now...the odds are, she'll lie there too. You may be caught between a rock and a hard place on this one. Last thought...I also disagree with Tony T in that trust CAN be rebuilt in a marriage. It takes both parties to decide to do so...it takes time and effort...but it CAN be rebuilt.
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Do you think you do (have a double standard)? Or is this just gaslighting?
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 It is entirely possible that this man was simply a friend, and you have figured that since you had a gf while married (even if it is to another woman) that she must be doing the same. You may want to sit back and trust her until you actually find evidence that shows she is a cheater. I didn't have a gf while I was married until I had already filed for divorce. There will be no more evidence. Once she found out I was spying on her computer my ability to gather evidence disappeared. Besides she seemed to lose interest in the OM when he told her he was getting married to someone else last year. I don't think the EA is ongoing at this time, however I have no assurance that it won't start up again in the future.
JamesM Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I didn't have a gf while I was married until I had already filed for divorce. How is it then that she accuses you of cheating on your first wife? Besides she seemed to lose interest in the OM when he told her he was getting married to someone else last year. Perhaps it was a good friendship that he ended because his wife would not like it. I don't think the EA is ongoing at this time, however I have no assurance that it won't start up again in the future. What evidence to gather that indicates that it was an EA and not a good friendship? As Owl said, you have your reasons for suspicion...why do you feel this way?
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Do you think you do (have a double standard)? Or is this just gaslighting? No, I don't think I have a double standard. I justified the affair in my prior marriage by the fact that I had already decided to get a divorce. My W says that's a bunch of cow poop, and she's probably right.
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Perhaps it was a good friendship that he ended because his wife would not like it. No, he lied to her about getting married, probably because he knew that her feelings for him were different from his feelings for her. In reality he had been married to her for over 4 years, however he told my W that they were just living together. I talked to him about it and he said that he and his W were swingers and that she knew all about his relationship with my W. They had known each other long before we got married.
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 So, do you think her behavior is gaslighting? Fogging the realities by pointing a finger at you and attempting to confuse your perception? Defensiveness as a first response is pretty normal, but projection can mean other issues are at work. Did/does she think that your "affair" was wrong? Has this been an issue in the past? At what point in your R did you disclose this? I'm assuming she wasn't the "GF".... Still recommending MC here.... do you want your marriage to work?
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 So, do you think her behavior is gaslighting? Fogging the realities by pointing a finger at you and attempting to confuse your perception? Defensiveness as a first response is pretty normal, but projection can mean other issues are at work. Did/does she think that your "affair" was wrong? Has this been an issue in the past? At what point in your R did you disclose this? I'm assuming she wasn't the "GF".... Probably. She only pointed this out after I told her I wanted to file for divorce. It was disclosed early in the relationship, years before we got married, and as far as I know, it hasn't been an issue in past.. No, she wasn't the gf.
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 She only pointed this out after I told her I wanted to file for divorce. Ah, interesting. So, are you filing? When did this conversation occur, relevant to last November? With women, timing is everything. Memories like elephants and surgically precise timing
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Ah, interesting. So, are you filing? When did this conversation occur, relevant to last November? In November she asked if she could set up a meeting with OM so that I could see that they were just friends. I agreed, however she claimed he kept postponing the meeting. This went on for several weeks. I called and talked to OM and asked if she had ever talked to him about setting up a meeting. He said that she had not, so my conclusion is that she was lying to me and never intended to set up a meeting. I talked to her about that in December and she said he must have just forgotten. Obviously she thinks I'm an idiot. She told me he postponed several times and then can't even remember any of those. By this time it was mid December and I didn't think it would be right to tell her right before Christmas that I was getting a divorce, so I decided to wait until January. In January she was having problems with a leg that she had broken several years prior and thought she was going to have to have additional surgery, so I waited until she found out about that. By that time it was February so I decided to wait until after Valentines Day. In late February I told her and she asked if I would allow her to go with me to see my counselor so she could understand me and how I feel. We did and she kept repeating over and over that she hadn't done anything wrong, that I was being totally unfair, and that the punishment (divorce) was too severe. She let me know that she would have a very hard time living on her salary. She doesn't have adequate income to refinance and buy my share of the equity in the house, and she said that I'd have to get a court order to get her out. I don't want to have to do that. So, I backed off and decided I'd just live with it. Most people are unhappy, why should I be any different. However, I don't seem to be doing a good job of living with it. I seem to be obsessed. I wake up every night thinking about it. It just won't go away.
bish Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 My wife claims the guy was just a friend and that there never was an affair, either physical or emotional. I don't believe that there was ever a physical affair, however I think there would have been if I hadn't intervened. She claims that she hasn't had any contact with him since November, and I think that's probably correct, but I just can't get over what happened in the past and I don't seem to be able to move on with my life. If I can get her to take a polygraph test, can it detect her feelings toward the guy and can it detect if there was an emotional affair or if it was just friendship? A polygraph will detect lying. If there was truly an emotional affair, and your wife answers "no" to the question if she was having one, then her electrical impulses will increase, heart rate, skin moisture level and BOOM....a lie is uncovered. But as George Costanza said once, "its not a lie, if you believe it"
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 There is never a "right" time to get divorced. Trust me, I know this Everyone has their balance point. Not everyone is unhappy. My frustrations stem mainly from not having a responsive partner to share my happiness with. Your situation might be different. Take a hard look at who your wife is today, now. Match that up with your image of yourself. If you like what you see, absent this issue of trust, it bears working on, assuming she's agreeable. BTW, meeting her friend is no big deal. Invite him over for dinner No "arranging meetings" necessary....
Author gullible Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 BTW, meeting her friend is no big deal. Invite him over for dinner No "arranging meetings" necessary.... Apparently my W doesn't want us to meet, and I wouldn't feel right about inviting him behind her back.
lkjh Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Sounds like she cheated and is trying to lower her guilt by pulling you in the same boat. If you filed for divorce first and then met the girl you did not cheat. Yes the lie detector will work but Im willing to bet that she will back out when it comes to actually taking it. Do not brush this off and let people convince you that you should not do everything you can to find out.
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Apparently my W doesn't want us to meet, and I wouldn't feel right about inviting him behind her back. That's an answer you should pay attention to, IMO. If he were truly a friend and, regardless of any past emotional entanglements, if she was on the path to restoring the health to your M, then everything would be out in the open.
LoyalGirl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 OP, I think someone watched Oprah today!
bish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 There is never a "right" time to get divorced. Sure there is....when a spouse has sex with someone else.
bish Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 Apparently my W doesn't want us to meet, and I wouldn't feel right about inviting him behind her back. If she cheated, then why would you be worried about doing that "behind her back". If she truly is cheating, was it in front of your face?
Recommended Posts