badnewsbeers Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I was in the exact same boat. We had been NC for 2 months and things were slowly improving to an extent, but something recent came up (cancer) and I brought her back into my life to keep her up to date. We wound up having a few talks about the relationship and where things went wrong, what we could have improved, etc (by the way, she's with a new guy now and so this conversation was from a place where we could discuss it objectively). Over the course of these conversations, I heard a ton of 'I've really missed you', 'I still love you', 'I still care about you', and a lot of crying (over the cancer, and the break up). I'll tell you, we broke up for a lot of great reasons, but I still love her very much and hope nothing for the best for her. That said, it's very difficult seeing her with a new guy, and in fact not having her in my life at all. The intellectual side of me knows it's for the best, but my heart is still broken and I miss her terribly. Now, the point of this whole post: having heard all of these comments, things I've been DYING to hear for the past 2 months from her via random text or whatever, having heard them.... it didn't do a damned thing for me. We're still broken up. We won't be getting back together. Neither of us have a choice but to move on. We broke up because one or both of us were unhappy, and no words will change that (only time and personal growth). I can say with some confidence that unless you really messed things up, your ex's do miss you terribly. Even as a dumper, I miss my ex and there are days when it is hard as hell. Quite frankly, if your ex DOESN'T miss you, what the hell kind of person are they? Not someone worth your time, that's for sure. Hearing it from them personally vs imagining it yourself however - no difference, at least in my experience. I hope this helps some of you, this was a major thing for me these last few months and it's somewhat of a relief to not have to worry about why she didn't seem so destroyed over me - she was, but it doesn't change me. Also, apologies for rambling on for many paragraphs.
EmperorR Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think most people even the ones who dump miss that other person one time or the other, admitting is the hard part my girl dumped me after three years and told mr I don't love you or miss you or think of you, obviously she is lying to say things to hurt me as anytime she looks at her cat closet listens to music basically everything I got her.
nopainnogain Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Quite frankly, if your ex DOESN'T miss you, what the hell kind of person are they? Not someone worth your time, that's for sure. Hearing it from them personally vs imagining it yourself however - no difference, at least in my experience. . Really though. We shouldnt give a $hit if they miss us or not. Its irrelevent . Its a breakup. The sooner the dumpee accepts it the sooner they heal. Thats why you hurt. You still talk to her and she has a man, and telling you she misses you behind his back. She probably did the same crap behind your back to him or some other clown when she was with you ,JMO. Besides, If she really missed you why is she with him and not you:confused:
Author badnewsbeers Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Yep exactly. It really doesn't matter what they do or say, all we can control is us.
CaliGuy Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Really though. We shouldnt give a $hit if they miss us or not. Its irrelevent . Its a breakup. The sooner the dumpee accepts it the sooner they heal. Thats why you hurt. You still talk to her and she has a man, and telling you she misses you behind his back. She probably did the same crap behind your back to him or some other clown when she was with you ,JMO. Besides, If she really missed you why is she with him and not you:confused: Spot on. Who cares what your ex thinks? They're no longer a part of your life.
sunshinegirl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Spot on. Who cares what your ex thinks? They're no longer a part of your life. I can appreciate the tough love aspect of "who cares! this person might as well be dead!" But you know, you're talking to people who haven't yet reached that point of indifference. And as you can surely remember from the acute phases of your own breakups that it's not as simple as flipping a switch. If it were, none of us would be posting on a site like this for comfort and encouragement during a grieving period. Indifference sets in after a long time, after going through all the stages. I *do* think it's useful to encourage people to do all that good stuff of taking up hobbies, exercising, journaling, spending time with friends and family, etc. etc. I *don't* think it's especially useful to tell or expect people to just "snap out of it" when it comes to a step like this (wondering if the ex misses them) which is part of making one's peace with the end of a relationship.
ioncebelieved Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I can appreciate the tough love aspect of "who cares! this person might as well be dead!" But you know, you're talking to people who haven't yet reached that point of indifference. And as you can surely remember from the acute phases of your own breakups that it's not as simple as flipping a switch. If it were, none of us would be posting on a site like this for comfort and encouragement during a grieving period. Indifference sets in after a long time, after going through all the stages. I *do* think it's useful to encourage people to do all that good stuff of taking up hobbies, exercising, journaling, spending time with friends and family, etc. etc. I *don't* think it's especially useful to tell or expect people to just "snap out of it" when it comes to a step like this (wondering if the ex misses them) which is part of making one's peace with the end of a relationship. Cali and Nopain have good advice all the time, but Sunshine I am with you on this one!!! I agree one thousand percent as a matter of fact. It takes time to build that indifference and I was well on my way and broke NC, twice this week after almost going 3 months. It's hard to finally get to the point where you could care less.
nopainnogain Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I can appreciate the tough love aspect of "who cares! this person might as well be dead!" But you know, you're talking to people who haven't yet reached that point of indifference. . Thats why they havent reached that point yet and thats why we are here. To tell them whats up. Looking back I was pathetic for dwelling over spilled milk. If I would of known what I know I now I would of "snapped out of it" a long time ago.
sunshinegirl Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Thats why they havent reached that point yet and thats why we are here. To tell them whats up. Looking back I was pathetic for dwelling over spilled milk. If I would of known what I know I now I would of "snapped out of it" a long time ago. Logic and emotions move at different paces. I can logically know my ex was a horrible person for me to be with, treated me badly, was selfish, doesn't have the qualities I want in a long-term partner. My feelings take longer to catch up with that. That's what I mean by it's not like flipping a switch.
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