Travis300 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Hey..I posted her months ago because I was having a lot of trouble getting over my ex...well, 6 months passed..and I still can't.. I really don't know what to do...I've tried everything..I went out with other girls, I tried not talking to her, I tried finding other things to keep me occupied..but everything reminds me of her...it's killing me. She lives about 40 miles away, so distance is there to keep me apart from her too. I haven't gotten any better and I just can't "not care"...I still love her as much as the day I met her... I've talked to my friends about it..my mom...nothing helps. 9 months later and I still have trouble going to sleep at night knowing she's not next to me...and on top of that, she'll call me or talk to me online and be really friendly..even flirts with me too..she actually called me saturday night and was begging me to go to her house literally just for sex, then after about 20 minutes she seemingly "came to her senses" and refused saying it would "complicate too much"...now it's 3 days later and she won't talk to me again...and I sit here wondering what the hell I did wrong... I've told her a thousand times all I want is to be friends...and she still won't hang out with me or anything..saying the feelings she had will return and she doesn't want that to happen...yet she'll constantly talk to me, lead me on then back off..she texts me still...it's so confusing. I've done nothing but try to be there for her..I've been nice to her when I can, I don't let her walk over me...I'm not possessive or obsessive, I don't get in her business...so I don't see what keeps pushing her away.. This can't be normal?...I've had girlfriends before..I'm 24..i've had no trouble getting over any of them before. At most it took me a month...Now this girl, she's the only thing I can ever think about. I care about her so much, I'd drop anything for her...I'm really lost..I have no clue what to do now...I just want things to return how they were
carhill Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 on top of that, she'll call me or talk to me online and be really friendly..even flirts with me too..she actually called me saturday night and was begging me to go to her house literally just for sex, then after about 20 minutes she seemingly "came to her senses" and refused saying it would "complicate too much"This is your problem. Contact prevents your brain from properly detoxing. You need strict NC to achieve this goal. No contact of any kind, in either direction. Replace her name with "do not answer" in your phone. Do not listen to any VM's she leaves. Do not read her e-mails. Actively divert your thoughts when something reminds you of her or you find thoughts wandering to her. Exercise to get anger, frustration and hurt out. I preferred hill-climbing on my bicycle You can change your perspective and feelings. You have the power. I know. I've done it. Someday, you might be able to be platonic friends with her and celebrate the successes and new man in her life. You have to get the romance drugs out of your brain first. Good luck!
Intergalactic Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 you need to politely tell her to back the **** off. she's messing with you, and it's not fair. at 9 months, i would say that you should have made SOME progress and it seems you haven't, and her contacting you and going hot cold hot cold on you all the time is preventing you. just tell her to leave you along until YOU feel ready to be friends (i've done this with my ex and he is so far respecting this), and then when you feel that it might not be so hard to talk to her, then you can get in contact. if she refuses to respect your feelings on this, you need to block all channels of contact because she clearly is only interested in herself.
Author Travis300 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I'm gonna try just not contacting her again...This basically "day 2"..it's not hard going this far because I've gone longer (a few weeks before, a couple times)..but it's just that it gets to a point where I need to talk to her...I'm so used to it because since we met almost 3 years ago, we've been best friends..I mean, whenever we weren't together (as friends), we were on the phone, texting or talking online to each other..and it was the same way when we dated...and even a month after we broke up it was like that...Now it's just not the same and I have a lot of trouble coping with that. Thanks for responding though...I'm gonna try the NC and see what happens.
baby-boo Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 sounds like she's a bit confused too. best thing u can do is avoid all contact. dont talk to her over the net, or call her, remove anything that will you remind you of her no contact feels really hard, but it works, trust me.
Author Travis300 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 sounds like she's a bit confused too. best thing u can do is avoid all contact. dont talk to her over the net, or call her, remove anything that will you remind you of her no contact feels really hard, but it works, trust me. She is...she's told me she is about the whole situation. It's so hard because I have no idea what she's thinking...how she feels is too streaky. She'll talk to me willingly, call me, text me if she's out one week...then the next, it's like she's trying to force herself away...then it'll be like that for a week or two, then back to talking again. Just curious, because what I want is to have her back, not forget about her...do you think no contact is the best way to go about that? Just give each other time apart?
baby-boo Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 it doesnt really matter what you want, a relationship is 2 ways, so if she doesnt want the same, it wont work. no contact is best, it gives you both time to reflect.
CaliGuy Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 This is your problem. Contact prevents your brain from properly detoxing. You need strict NC to achieve this goal. No contact of any kind, in either direction. Replace her name with "do not answer" in your phone. Do not listen to any VM's she leaves. Do not read her e-mails. Actively divert your thoughts when something reminds you of her or you find thoughts wandering to her. Exercise to get anger, frustration and hurt out. I preferred hill-climbing on my bicycle You can change your perspective and feelings. You have the power. I know. I've done it. Someday, you might be able to be platonic friends with her and celebrate the successes and new man in her life. You have to get the romance drugs out of your brain first. Good luck! Good post, Carhill. He needs to treat his ex like the plague. Do not take any of her calls or messages. She is like a drug and every time you make contact, it's like taking another hit or doing another line. You can't get off the drug if you don't go cold turkey. Go cold turkey with your ex. She is not helping you move on, she is hindering your healing. And if she loved and cared about you she wouldn't drag you down like this. Do you love and respect yourself? If you did, you would not take her calls or emails. You would not let her toss breadcrumbs your way just to feed her ego. The only way you're going to get better is if you take care of you and forget about her. You can't control her, but you can control yourself and how you deal with this situation.
Author Travis300 Posted September 19, 2008 Author Posted September 19, 2008 She told me numerous times...in serious talks..that she hoped, in time, we'd be together again...just that she's not ready..yet. I keep hearing that, and it's why cutting her off completely is so hard. Our relationship didn't end on bad terms, it didn't end because we didn't stop loving each other...it was just an awkward situation that I was caught in at the time...and the distance played a factor, and we talked about this and both agreed just to keep it as friends until we were ready for a serious committment again... It's just so freakin hard...I know I'm being stubborn, but the things she told me give me hope even though we've had quite a few arguments after we split...she hung out with one of our friends 2 months after we did, and he told me she almost started crying when I came up...these are the things I keep feeling and hearing that won't allow me to let go...and I know she still cares too, because she tells me she knows the feelings will come back the second we see each other..but she's just not ready for it yet. Do you think I should keep the lines open..I mean, maybe not call her..but talk online occasionally? Just keep some limited contact, but stay away from any serious talk, etc?...I think, right now, I just can't make her disappear...the feelings are too strong I think for both of us..
carhill Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Listen, you were your ex's first at 20yo, so now she's enjoying her youth and exploring other men. Evidently, your ex didn't see you as a forever type of guy. Nothing wrong with that or you. You're both young. Assuming she's with another guy right now, well, she's with another guy. She doesn't want any distractions, like you. Sure, she still might have "feelings" for you, because you were her first. Everyone has a "first" sexual partner and first love. Most move on. She did. You apparently haven't. We're trying to help you do that. All of us (I presume, and know I have, numerous times) have gone through this. Believe it or not, some of us have crazier stories than you think yours is. Try my suggestion above for 60 days and come back and tell us how it has worked for you. You already know what you're doing now isn't working.
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 People often make the false assumption that if you stop having contact with them they will forget about you. Right now, she is in control. Think about how crazy it drives you when she isn't reaching out and you don't know what she is up to- think about how confused you are at her mixed signals and sporadic contact. It works both ways. if she truly is sitting on the fence about what she wants- it does you zero good to be available to her. She knows you'd take her back- and that is why she is in control and you are feeling powerless. The best way to take back your power is to go cold turkey and cut off ALL contact. Take her off your msn/aim- delete her number... and don't return texts or phone calls. Basically, she is tugging on your heart strings, and you are letting it happen. Cali is right- all she is giving you is little bread crumbs that leave you wanting more. You cannot remain friends with someone you still love and aren't with- it never , ever works. It is only making your healing worse. If she's hot and cold, back and forth, she's not being fair to you. NC will not only drive her crazy and force her to do some real thinking about whether or not she misses you.... But more importantly, it will help you to detox from her. NC means- nothing at all. As tempting as it may be to keep talking to her when she messages you... Don't do it. I agree- 60 days is a good goal. She may call and plea- but she's not your problem anymore. You do have to block her online- that's temptation you don't need to have in front of you. I've been in similar situations- and making the choice to stop talking to them is liberating, it's a good feeling to reclaim that power. Give it a try. I guarantee- the next time she reaches out and you ignore (the opposite of what you have been doing)... It will have an effect on her. She's not going to forget you- she's going to get anxious, wonder what you are doing- if you've found someone else.... wonder if you've lost interest. Silence is the best defence- trust me. If she does decide she wants you back- she needs to do a whole lot of work and effort. But I think the NC will benefit her too- as it will give her a chance to figure out what she wants. Breadcrumbs suck. Refuse them.
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