maci Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 There's this guy who has been after me on and off for years now (we work for the same company, different offices.) He's become very predictable . . . to the point where I know when a new "cycle" is about to start with him. To sum up very quickly, he'll suddenly start calling with an "excuse" to call me, then start calling just to talk (at this point he'll start giving me his schedule for the next several days every time I talk to him), then he'll show up where I work with an "excuse" for why he needs to be there, then he'll show up with no excuse, then the fun really starts. I don't dislike the guy, and there are some things that I really do like about him. I just think that he's a little too aggressive in pursuing me at times and takes too much for granted. (For example, I was with him outside of work two days in a row and all of a sudden he started talking about transferring to the town I live in--apparently, he never mentioned this to anyone else.) So, I've been getting really "businesslike" with him, and the last time that he announced that he was coming by my workplace, I left early to avoid him. Was that mean? He hasn't called me for a couple of weeks since then (he has a tendency to sulk . . . my prediction is that I get a call early next week with him hesitantly asking for something stupid.) Why do you think he acts this way? I know that normally I could resolve the whole thing by just hinting strongly or asking him flat out, but when I do that I either get some over the top reaction (if I'm hinting in his favor) or denials (if I'm effectively saying he needs to back off.)
SweetGuy99 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Have you had a talk about him being "interested" in you? Or do you know he's interested, but simply keep it to yourself, preferring instead to let him chase you all over the place? (I guess we're missing some details here.) Usually, if you just talk to the guy and be "up front" about your interest (or lack of interest), he'll acknowledge the situation for what it is and take the right course of action. If he's chasing you in this roundabout manner, it seems to me that he hasn't really been given a clear yes/no, and he may still think he has a 'shot' at winning you over. If you have had a conversation about him being interested in you, and he's still coming around, finding excuses to run into you, then you might have a bigger problem on your hands.
Author maci Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 I've tried being pretty upfront, but it didn't seem to help. He said he just wanted to be friends, but then he started the whole thing up again worse than before. What do you do with a guy like that?
paddington bear Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I've tried being pretty upfront, but it didn't seem to help. He said he just wanted to be friends, but then he started the whole thing up again worse than before. What do you do with a guy like that? Maybe he thinks he's just being friends, and can now see you as much as he wants without his actions being misunderstood. Or maybe he regrets saying he'd just be friends and is now clinging on to you. You need to have another talk with him and clarify where you stand.
D-Lish Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Any other opinions? I had to cut a male friend out of my life recently. It started out with him pursuing me and me being forceful I wasn't interested in anythng romantic. He tried pretty hard initially but he everntually met a girl and they've been together for 2 years. He'd always been flirty- but he started getting inappropriate the last six months- making sexual innuendos drunk calling or texting racy things. Finally- the last straw- he sent me a naked pic of himself to my cell phone. I also found out he had been sabotaging me getting together with a guy I've always liked. I cut him out of my life after the naked pic... I mean the guy lives with his gf. I realized that remaining friends was not something he could handle- and he was really making me uncomfortable. I did it swiftly and without regret- he is now treating this like it's a break up. I think you have to be straight up and end the friendship. If he's not getting it- he'll just continue to be a thorn in your side. If he thinks he can cross boundaries even a little- he'll continue to push. In my experience- it just got progressively worse and he lost all respect for my boundaries. You may just have to be harsh and end it. I'd begin with ignoring him.
Balthazar Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Is there a possibility that you are not being clear in your communication with him either? Maybe it has gotten to a point where both of you are giving mixed signals to each other. If you believe that you have clearly expressed your interest, but he continues to blow hot then cold... well then you must either take the bull by the horns and lead the relationship where you want it to go, or make it clear you are not interested in anything beyond friendship(maybe not even that). His behavior shows insecurity in himself and ,possibly, an uncertainty about how he feels about you. There is a good chance he is following the same tactics with other women and can't decide who he wants to be with. Alternatively, he may not want any intimacy due to psychological/physical problems he may have and just likes the idea of having a woman to go out with and talk to. CHeers,
Author maci Posted September 23, 2008 Author Posted September 23, 2008 Thanks, what I think I'll do is just go back to treating him like a normal friend and ignoring his odder behaviors. If he can't handle that, well, then I need to rethink things.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Why not give it to him straight up? "You're starting to concern me. You know I'm not interested in you as anything other than a friend, right? Am I misreading your signals or am I giving you ambiguous signals? I don't want to hurt you or lead you on, to believe that we could have anything more.". Most guys would pack their marbles up and go home, until they get over the ego rejection, then they sometimes come back as friends. If this doesn't work, I agree that you need to start ignoring him. Sometimes guys like this can become stalkers so don't let the obession carry on.
Recommended Posts