Mr.Fixit88 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 First time posting . I think this site is a testament to the greatness of the internet BTW. To think your advice could have saved some young lovers heartache! So be honest, I want your opinion and remember I love her. We've been together almost 2 years. Pulled my v-card and any other card ya can think of. We managed her first spring semester with minimal fighting, now she has her first full year at college. Shes 350 miles away. We send an average of 100 texts a day, talk every other night, and see each other one or two weekends a month. I was the other man in her first long term relationship, she loved him very much. 5 days before she left me for college she made out with a co-worker. He had been very flirty with her at work and of course offered to drive her home after every work party. Just a kiss. Here's the recent problem. She lies, big and small. I found all this out through snooping, instinct, and baiting her into lies. Her lies are comforting, convincing, and elaborate. She lied to me and went to a party with her co-workers, which ended in this kiss. When I found out about the party I forgave her, and poured out my heart in a speech about how honesty would make our love last. She looked me in the eyes and promised to be honest. I found out about the kiss a day later. I very much doubt she could stop lying (to spare my feelings), big and small. Im willing to try though. We've been fighting. I weigh out every situation she places herself in. She party's every weekend, drinks, meets lots of guys. She loves attention, is incredibly social, and cares very much for other peoples opinion of her. I'm 100% opposite. I believe she honestly regrets her mistakes and has grown since her first relationship; I’m not easy to convince either. Can we last? How do I start to trust her again? I see myself becoming controlling and I hate it. This was the short version . Thoughts? Advice? Don't spare my feelings, tell it how you see it. Thanks for the reply's in advance!
sweet&simple Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Honestly, just from reading what you've posted-- I don't think you'll last. You were the other man in her other relationship-- she's a cheater. She made out [much different than "just a kiss,"] with a male co-worker-- she's a cheater. She is very social, drinks, meets guys, etc-- she will probably cheat again. You've openly admitted that she probably won't stop with the lying whether it's big or small-- she'll most likely lie about future cheating [you're far away from each other, how will you ever know? She probably wouldn't even have to lie given the fact that you won't be suspicious of anyone since she probably won't mention anyone you should worry about, and finding out another way is slim.] I guess my issue with everything you've said is that she's a cheater, you've known that from the beginning. She's also a liar.. last I checked a relationship was based on honesty and trust. The cheating and lying have ensured that neither of these things exist. You don't have a relationship.
norajane Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I'm sorry, I don't believe this will last. Unless you like being lied to, about big things and small, and can accept that you won't ever really know the truth about who she's kissing behind your back. Chronic liars don't change. They just learn to hide their lies better.
Siphon9a Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I agree with everyone else here on this one. Chronic liars are a very secretive bunch. Trouble is, the longer you stay, the more the lies unravel themselves. And you end up with the raw end of the deal.
Author Mr.Fixit88 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I wouldn't call it chronic, its more like I caught her in a lie and she just kept trying to lie her way outta it. Not knowing how much I actually knew about it. This is a recent problem, though I suspect she tells a lot of white lies to spare some feelings. I do too though. A large part of me believes she changed, only from what Ive seen, not what see tells me. As for her first BF, It was her first relationship.. lotta details im leaving out concerning her first Bf.
norajane Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I wouldn't call it chronic, its more like I caught her in a lie and she just kept trying to lie her way outta it. Not knowing how much I actually knew about it. Whatever label you put on it, chronic or not, an inexperienced liar would break down and blurt out the truth instead of looking you in the eye and lying some more to cover up the first lie. A habitual liar always chooses more lies to get out of being caught in a lie. Habitual liars also only tell partial truths when they do tell the truth. They lie by omission, they flat out lie to your face, white lies, big lies, small lies, lies for no reason at all. They're ambiguous with their language, so something they said could 'technically' be interpreted one way so they can say they didn't lie, but any normal person would interpret it differently. They manipulate people by only providing some information, not all information, and only offer the version of the story that puts them in a better light. It's how they get through life. You really don't know who she is underneath the lies. And it's not a recent problem. She lied to her bf while she was cheating with you. Whatever went down between them, fact is, she hid your relationship and lied to him about it.
sweet&simple Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I wouldn't call it chronic, its more like I caught her in a lie and she just kept trying to lie her way outta it. Not knowing how much I actually knew about it. This is a recent problem, though I suspect she tells a lot of white lies to spare some feelings. I do too though. A large part of me believes she changed, only from what Ive seen, not what see tells me. As for her first BF, It was her first relationship.. lotta details im leaving out concerning her first Bf. For real, you're making excuses for her. "She's not a chronic liar.. she just lies a LOT more when confronted in an attempt to cover her tracks," is basically what you're saying.. is that a quality you look for in a relationship? And "well it was her first relationship, there are other details," -- I'm sorry.. is there ever any justification for CHEATING in a relationship? If you're unhappy in a relationship, if you no longer care about the person you're with, if that person does horrible things to you, you're not justified to CHEAT-- you're justified to BREAK UP WITH THEM. You didn't answer my other question which is.. if it was so easy for her to pay off her car, switch her hours, etc, why didn't she do this sooner?
Author Mr.Fixit88 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Not sure I understand your question sweet&simple. Thanks norajane, she definitely feels like she lies in that exact manner, when she does. Should I not defend her (gets more opinions too )? She’s not here to defend herself, and you can see only her mistakes. I keep that in mind when taking your opinions into account. They are very good so far, thank you. Out of all the men and women ive met, she is by far the kindest. I have never seen her putdown someone in any situation. I do know who she is though, habitual liar or not. We've sent 100s of text a day to each other for two years. We made each other the center of our lives, never a good thing. Since im privileged to know all her sexual history I should end it over a french kiss? Details matter greatly in every situation. Passion, lust, and love are very hard to resist, we hopefully learn from out mistakes. Everyone likes knowing there attractive to the other sex. I feel this is a mistake of a different kind than the first, maybe I am wrong. She says she was not attracted to him, stopped it after 5 seconds, and told him they could never do it again. I texted him the moment I found out from her cell and it seemed to play out. She tells me many truths that are bothersome that she could easily lie about down there. I think she will always tell a small half-truth though, somewhere. It didn’t used to bother me.
Siphon9a Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I do know who she is though, habitual liar or not. She tells me many truths that are bothersome that she could easily lie about down there. I think she will always tell a small half-truth though, somewhere. It didn’t used to bother me. I don't know about everyone else, but you never ever truly know someon 100% so I believe that assumption and the time you have known her is not kosher. Maybe you could say that in 40yrs but not this soon into things. You know her well enough to know she will give you a half-truth. That's good enough for me. "The truth is always a compound of two half-truths, and you never reach it, because there is always something more to say." Tom Stoppard Here's one I've heard before.... "The measure of a person is not the road they travel on but in the choices that they make along the way" She chooses to lie. Regardless of what road you think she may be on, the choices show what's going on. Words, yeah, actions are a whole other thing all together. We are all the sum of our life experiences and at some point in life or death, depending on what you believe, you will be held accountable...beit the person you are with or whatever God you may believe in.
sweet&simple Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Not sure I understand your question sweet&simple. Thanks norajane, she definitely feels like she lies in that exact manner, when she does. Should I not defend her (gets more opinions too )? She’s not here to defend herself, and you can see only her mistakes. I keep that in mind when taking your opinions into account. They are very good so far, thank you. Out of all the men and women ive met, she is by far the kindest. I have never seen her putdown someone in any situation. I do know who she is though, habitual liar or not. We've sent 100s of text a day to each other for two years. We made each other the center of our lives, never a good thing. Since im privileged to know all her sexual history I should end it over a french kiss? Details matter greatly in every situation. Passion, lust, and love are very hard to resist, we hopefully learn from out mistakes. Everyone likes knowing there attractive to the other sex. I feel this is a mistake of a different kind than the first, maybe I am wrong. She says she was not attracted to him, stopped it after 5 seconds, and told him they could never do it again. I texted him the moment I found out from her cell and it seemed to play out. She tells me many truths that are bothersome that she could easily lie about down there. I think she will always tell a small half-truth though, somewhere. It didn’t used to bother me. My question was-- you said she already changed her hours and will have a different manager.. it seemed like she did it quite easily, so what does it say about her that she was willing to work a shift where she couldn't talk to you and with a guy who always hit on her, instead of doing something to keep your relationship stable?
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