Ashbash11 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 So, my boyfriend of 7 months who I am very much in love with just informed me the other night that he got hired for his "dream job." His dream job happens to be 3,000 miles away in California (I live in Boston). I have never done a LDR before, and neither has he. We both have computers, Skype and webcams. What else do we need? What are the important things to discuss before he moves away? We are pretty sure that we will get married someday, but not until later because I'm still young (only 23) and in graduate school. My other question is, can a relationship from Boston to California actually work?? I have heard many long distance horror stories- one person cheats on the other, or the couple starts fighting too much, or one person does all the communicating and the other becomes "too busy." How does one avoid these situations? My biggest fear about this is that my boyfriend will have trouble keeping up regular communication. He told me once that he doesn't call or email someone unless he has a "reason" to do so. It's going to be an adjustment for him to talk to me about daily events, to stay connected. The good news is that he will be living at his dad's house for a while, so he will have extra money to come visit. He plans to visit as often as possible- aka: every 2-3 months. And I plan to visit him in California for Thanksgiving and any other school breaks that I have. How important is seeing the person regularly? I know other couples who are LD and see each other every other weekend. Obviously this isn't possible with our distance... I'm just feeling really sad and anxious about all of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Krajt Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Hey! Ashbash! I don't know if this will help, but just this week my relationship entered a LTR after only a month and a week of the relationship forging. My distance is four hours and about 90-100 miles, give, or take. It's not the distance of yours, but I don't think the distance matters, because from what I have heard from those who have experienced LTR's in the past that distance doesn't hinder the relationship, incompatiability does that all too well. I'm not sure about that, because it's only been four days and I am already missing her a lot. I can't just phone her and ask her if she wants to meet up. She is busying enjoying her new town and I am stuck miles away, yeah I am jealous, because where I live isn't affluent, it's very mundane. I can't have regular sex, so I have to go weeks and months without. We had a communication perplexity and this resulted in our first falling out, we solved it, but after I was honest with how I felt (scared) and her saying that I will "never lose" her and how happy we made each other. When I want someone to hug, kiss or hold hands with, I have to wait weeks and sometimes month. So, it is hard and I have had thoughts of maybe it will hurt less if I was single, but ultimately I want to be with her and if that means one visit a month, then so be it. It's not ideal and it's not something I would advocate, but I can't stand in the way of someone's future either, it's selfish behaviour. LTR relationship's have their drawbacks, but so do local relationships, LTR relationships also have their benefits. You learn to cherish the time you spend together, you learn not to take your partner for granted and you learn how to maximise the small amount of time you have together and in absence the heart grows fonder. I don't love my girlfriend, but I am falling her more with each passing day and with her being gone, it has made me cherish the time we spent together before she left. It's not like I didn't cherish it before, but you will understand what I mean when your boyfriend leaves. Good luck, I probably haven't answered all of your questions, but I have offered my perspective.
Author Ashbash11 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I am wondering if the anticipation of the LDR is worse than the actual LDR itself... I have SO many worries and reservations about it. I know that we love each other and we have a very stable relationship, but I am afraid of what the distance will do to us... I guess I am just looking for some reassurance from you all on LS!! I'm looking for tips, advice, success stories, ways to occupy yourself when you are missing your significant other, especially when you are used to seeing them everyday.. I feel really alone with this right now. I just want to cry everyday because every time I see my BF, I am reminded that he is leaving soon. He has 10 days left in Boston until he moves.. I am not sure how to distract myself.
Krajt Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I've not been in a LTR long enough to answer your questions and give yourself reassurance, but the anticipation for me was nowhere near as bad as when she left. Watch her get on the train, not knowing when I'd next see her made my shed tears of sorrow.
Island Girl Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Okay - well I have been in an LDR more like yours. We didn't meet LD and got to the point where we where talking marriage and living together before going LD. The worry and anxiety were extreme. We both pledged to be together but we both wondered about that eventuality. Because of the great distance and expense of travel we had no idea when we were to see each other. Very quickly it was apparent that some ground rules had to go into effect because little things could be misinterpreted because of distance - the brain can just run away sometimes with insecurities. We both knew that we wanted and had to be ourselves for "us" to keep working. And in order to do that we needed to allay the negative thoughts, etc. So #1 we always talk to each other as if we are standing in front of each other. We also speak to each other the same way no matter who is around or what is going on. In so many years there have been plenty of times that I have been here wondering about his health and safety but he or whoever I am able to speak with (to figure out what is going on) treat me as his significant other with no discounting or disrespect because geographically he is not near me. And we make sure that we understand there may be moments on either side when there needs to be reassurances. And that is NEVER a problem. Also we are open books to each other - no question gets a response of "why?" just a straight, very direct answer. Be forewarned that friends and even family can be very unsupportive. Some even make really offensive comments. They can also say things that will spark insecurities and make them smolder. Hope that helps some!
MiniMina Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I am wondering if the anticipation of the LDR is worse than the actual LDR itself... I have SO many worries and reservations about it. In my experience the days before we would have to be separated were always the worst. My BF works on political campaigns and is often gone for months at a time with no possibility of us seeing each other. And I always dread him leaving, but when he's gone I just force myself into a routine and count the days till he gets back. I think the routine helps. Oh, and we count weeks instead of days because a week goes by really fast when you're working or in school and then there is less to count. I feel really alone with this right now. I just want to cry everyday because every time I see my BF, I am reminded that he is leaving soon. He has 10 days left in Boston until he moves.. I am not sure how to distract myself. I am the same way before each campaign, I bawl like a baby before he leaves. The best I can tell you is try to enjoy having him with you and don't make plans around saying goodbye. Just do things you normally do together, then just be patient while you're separated.
konfuzd Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I think the most important thing about getting into a LDR is the realization that the only way it can work is if there is a possibility of an end date. He's got his dream job in CA, but are there career opportunities for you there in your field? What happens if you get offered your dream job in Boston? Are you willing to give that up for him? Right now, I'm in my 2nd LDR. The first one was 1 year in the same city, then 1 year long distance. I moved away for school. We had talked marriage before I left, he even gave me a promise ring, so while I was gone he'd be saving for the real ring. Once I finished school, I had to make a decision between him and my dream job. I chose the job. At the beginning of the relationship, I never would have thought I'd make that choice, but when reality set in, I knew I had to think with my head and not my heart. The current LDR I'm in has been LD since the beginning (14 months). Neither he or I are phone people either. Quite like your BF, neither of us ever calls people just to chat. So we don't. We call if there's something important, but otherwise send eachother e-mails or use snail-mail. We see eachother every 4-8 weeks, and have so much to talk about because we are not in constant communication. It works for us. I know that just because he doesn't call, or e-mail every day doesn't mean he cares any less, or anything shady is going on. He's moving here next month. In my experience, the distance provides an extra challenge, but at the same time, it strengthens your bond. I've said it many times in both of my LDR's that if we can make it through this, we can make it through pretty near anything. Good luck to you. There are plenty of people here to provide support and comfort.
Author Ashbash11 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Posted September 22, 2008 Thank you for your honest advice, Konfuzd. You are right about the "end date" issue... There is definitely an end date. If I do not transfer to another grad school out in CA next year, I will be done with my program in 2 years and then I was planning on doing my internship in California.. So, the longest this LDR would last would be 2 years. It seems like an unbearably long time right now. The main feeling I have right now is one of anxiety. I have no idea if this LDR is going to work, and I am not sure how much of a priority I will be for my BF once he is gone... The distance is going to be really tough, I feel like more for me than for him. Can I ask, what do you do to keep yourself occupied when you start missing your boyfriend?? I have a feeling that I am going to be stuck missing him like crazy and I won't be able to talk to him.
americanlady Posted September 22, 2008 Posted September 22, 2008 stop worrying about if its going to work... its always one day at a time and start instead focusing on communication with him.. and how you BOTH plan on making it work to end ur worries for all u know he has some too.
konfuzd Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 For the most part, when I miss him, I try to busy my mind with something else. I've gotten more involved in hobbies and activities since I've started dating him, which has the added bonus of making me feel better about myself. Some of the tough moments though are when I'm going to bed at night, or waking up in the morning (especially right after a visit). I try to focus on all the ways I'm lucky to have him in my life rather than the fact he's so far away.
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