JRedGiant Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 I'm miserable. It's after midnight and I can't sleep. A year ago, at age 28, I became involved in my first serious relationship. It also became my first sexual relationship. I fell in love with a woman I'd been friends with but who had a fiancee. They broke it off because she was going to want to return home when she graduated in September of this year, and he did not. She and I went out and really hit it off. I discovered a romantic side I never knew I had and we completely charmed each other. We fell very deeply in love. We held hands everywhere we went and were each other's best friend. She told me again and again how special I made her feel and that know one had ever made her feel as loved as I do. About six weeks ago she started acting more distant...the pressure was building on her. School was coming to a head, she was working and studying nearly 60 hours a week. I tried to be supportive and she said I was...wonderfully so, but she lost her feelings for me somewhere along the way. I'm a year from my degree, and she doesn't want to stay with me the time it would take to get it. We'd been...I don't want to call it fighting...to me that implies yelling and flying plates, but definetly discussing our relationship a lot lately. The sex stopped about 6 weeks ago. I tried everything to rekindle the romance. On our last date I seranaded her. She said that was really wonderful and made her feel very special, but she just couldn't go on in our relationship like this. We ended it yesterday. Now I feel like I'm missing an arm. There's a whole, a negative space, which just is unfilled without her. I know I'll get over it and I know we'll be better people for our time together. Never again will I think myself unworthy of a woman's love, I will know that when I fall for someone that I will make them feel truly special. And she will never again settle for a man who doesn't appreciate her. But for now I just want the pain to stop and to move on, and I just feel so lonely without her. I don't think there's anything anyone can really say to ease my pain completely, but if there's any words of comfort I'd appreciate it.
Kat Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 Go out with friends. Study Anything to take your mind off her. I wrote poetry when I went through hard times with my ex (and our split up). I wrote some great stuff. Pity he burnt them
talktalk Posted August 19, 2003 Posted August 19, 2003 It sounds like you have a pretty good perspective on this... On the bright side, coming from someone who is deeply entrenched -- but still in love -- in a relationship, my advice is to cherish all this emotion and realize that it is a beginning as much as an ending and will surely lead into a great new relationship. Listen to good sad music. I recommend Van Morrison 'Astral Weeks'
needsadvice Posted August 19, 2003 Posted August 19, 2003 I agree that being with people is a good thing - so go out with friends. It will help you realize that there are 5 billion other people out there other than your ex. You'll soon realize that there are many others out there with the same qualities you may have thought made your ex so special. I'd also recommend taking a class in something that you've always wanted to learn. It's a good distraction and at the same time you're bettering yourself. That can't help but make you more attractive. Lastly I would say that now you are a more interesting person than you were before - you've will have been through heartache and now you will have that experience to bring to a new relationship.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 19, 2003 Posted August 19, 2003 In addition to all the wonderful feedback and advice you've already gotten...may I add "WOW!" Just imagine the impression you left her with. Although she may be confused right now about where her life is going, how likely will it be that she will ever meet anyone as wonderful as you? I speculate that she will think of you often since the memories of your time together were such positive ones! You never know what might happen later on down that road... And you're right! You DO deserve love. And my bet is, you'll find a lot of it! Just think of how many swooning hearts you'll capture if you treat each woman you meet in the future this way!! You've already got it all figured out!...Just continue being the wonderful person and incredible romantic you already are so that no other guy will ever measure up in a woman's eyes. But as far as the mystery surrounding women, and why they think and behave the way they do...no one will ever figure that one out! Most of the time we don't even understand ourselves.
Author JRedGiant Posted August 19, 2003 Author Posted August 19, 2003 Thanks all for all your feedback. At least right at the moment I'm feeling much better. There's a strong temptation to go out and meet other women...much stronger than the temptation to call "her". I know that rebounding is not really what I need either though. Anyways, thanks to all.
sailorsgirl Posted August 20, 2003 Posted August 20, 2003 I am not proud to say this, but I am preparing to break off my relationship w/ a pretty wonderful guy for reasons that are completely beyond his control. And I hope to God that he is as mature and understanding as you seem to be. In my situation, I am breaking it off not because of anything anyone has done, but because of how it just IS (we have a very large age difference, both have kids, etc. and I just cannot in good faith continue a relationship that might be heading for wedding bells if I am not comfortable w/ that commitment/concept) I know (though don't like the fact) that he is going to be hurt and yeah, from the g/f's point of view, when people make decisions like this, we are scared to death whether we are right are wrong. Not saying anyone should be subject to my "whims" or anything, but like one poster said above, you never know what will happen. She may change her mind, there are a lot of things that go into that equation. But an amicable split is one to be admired. I think it would be wonderful if everyone could approach the end of their relationships w/ the same care and concern as they did living them. Keep your chin up, because no matter what the outcome of you and her, you have displayed a beautiful ability to have healthy relationships throughout your life. I wish you the best.
Author JRedGiant Posted August 20, 2003 Author Posted August 20, 2003 Sailorsgirl....you've made me decide to hijack my own thread. Don't be afraid and don't be ashamed. It will hurt. I guarantee it. My ex told me so many times that the last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt me. I told her that you can't have a relationship without hurting someone somehow...it's just a consequence of loving someone. I don't know if that's true or not...maybe I was wrong, I was kind of emotional at the time. But she then responded "Well maybe I should never be in a relationship again." That's when I stopped her and told her to listen. I told her she owed me that much. And I told her that love is worth the risk of getting hurt and of having to hurt someone you care about. I would have married her. Tonight I know that would have been a mistake. I would have followed her across the country, left my family and my friends, given up everything for this woman. I would have been miserable, I would have resented her and it would have ruined both of our lives. Tonight I realized that there's something better out there. More than just a woman who loves me and that I love...for that's all I ever wanted before. I don't know what it is or what to call it. Joy, perhaps? Anyways, the point to all this is that you drew a parallel from my story to your own. So I will make the same parallel and tell you that both you and this man deserve happiness...deserve joy. I don't know your situation well enough to know that that means you must seperate. But I trust your judgment. Be happy with the rest of your lives...together or apart. Either way can be a difficult path...I'm just glad my girl saw the road more clearly for us than I did. For us, there is no "you never know." I do. We are finished...and for the both of us, I raise my glass (of water) to new beginnings.
sailorsgirl Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 JRedGiant, you make a lot of very valid points. You can't love someone and be emotionless at the same time, so of course it's going to be tough now and then. I had never sat down and thought of it in that way. Thanks for opening my eyes to some very good points of view. Again, good luck
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