Newly Separated. Need to talk

[Sad&Lonely08]

Ok so here it goes.. Me and E have been having probloms for about 8months maybe a year. This past Easter we went to his families for our easter gathering and noticed he was rather distant from me. Later that night at home he dropped hte bomb. He said he wanted a separation. We have been together 13years. Married for 5. We have 3kids. 14,6 & 3. I aksed him why and he said he was not happy anymore. Felt burdened by debt and drowning. He works and works and feels like he is getting nowhere in life. The debt is piling up and we are not getting any further.

I asked him when he came to this decision and he said he had been thinking about it for awhile. There was nothing i could say or do to change his mind. He said he ws taking hte smaller 2 and going to his moms. He had already talked about it with them.(so that day i was the joke at the gathering. Everyone knew but me) He said he did not want to pay another months rent on the house. He would tell the landlord our 30day notice in a few days.

He said we need to take time apart to pay off our bills to buy a house and gather ourselfs. That was 114 days ago.

I know live at my mom's with my 14 yeay old and he has my babies. At first we still seen each other everyday like we told the kids we would do. That we would still do family things and see eachother all the time.

We have done nothing as a family.

I was seeingn him everyday for lunch during hte summer and my kids often threw out the week and almost everyweekend they were with me.

Lately i have not seen E and hte kids. Me and E talk maybe 5 minutes 1 or 2 aday. i see him for 2miniutes when he picks up or drops off hte kids. He says he loves me and is still in love with me but he can't go back to the way things were with us. My life as well as hte kids have been turned upside down and i have no idea which way is up. I am scared that my marriage will end in divorce and love the one man i have truly loved and is still in love with. I have asked him to go to marriage counsoling but he say we don't need that. He says he loves me before we hang up on the phone and sometimes when i see him he will give me a kiss. He said he needs time to find out who he is because we moved so fast in our relationship. We met 10months out of his rehab and he partied most of his youth away so he said he never found out who he was. We met, moved in 11mths later i had my son already then a while late we had a child got married and had another one.

He said he doesn't want a divorce. But he wants me to back off some. I ask him to spend the night with us or to do family things or just to go out for a drink with me as adults to try and rekindle what we had.

We stopped becoming friends and husband and wife and became parents. It became work and hte kids.

He told me once his biggest peeve about me was i did not drive.That he feels like a taxi cab. i have a phobia of driving. I have no idea why. He told me that when i dealt with that we could move on to us. I wanted to get it to prove to him i am willing to do anything to work on us. To helkp him so he doesb't feel so burdened by everything. Well last week i went and took my test for my Permit. I passed. I told him yesterday and he was like yeah. Thats good. That was it. I feel like no matter what i say or do it just isn't doing anyhting to make us better. i don't want to let go. i want to fight with all i have to make this right.He still calls me Baby. He alwasy has. We were having sex on occasion and he says he is not seeing anyone. He says he has a lot of love for me and a lot of respect. He said he noticed i have lost weight and dyed my hair.

I know i am rambling and up set and have no one to talk to in my life. My mom and BF said to get over him and move on. Another friend said to fight for what i want to hte end.i don't know i know i hurt nad my kids do to. My daughter is 6 and she askes me when we moving back togetehr> When we going ot be a fmaily again.. I havbe no idea what to tell her. Help me please......

 

I will answer any questions you may have as well

[Sad&Lonely08]

I also can't stop wanting to call of text him for simple things. The bonus i got on my check. Just hear his voice. his laugh.. I know i am a mess but i can't get him off my mind. I wake up thinking about him. Wonder what he is doing htrew out the day. Is he thinking of me? Wear his old ratty work shirt that smells like him when i get home. Tell him and hte kids good night(to my self) everynight before i go to sleep.

[LostHusband]

The best you can do is move on and be happy with yourself. The more you call/text/beg the more it will push him away. Show him you are moving on and you might see some changes in him. Look for anything positive and keep doing what you have been doing to bring about more positives from him. (Such as him calling you, asking how you are doing, becoming interested in what you are doing when he doesn't see you.) Don't volunteer information about yourself or ask him about himself, stay a mystery. The best that will happen is his curiosity will get to him eventually and that is a start to rekindle something. The worst (or maybe still best) thing will be you will get use to not talking to him so much and you will begin to move on.

[manymaliboo]

This is a very difficult time. It took me many months to get use to my STBXH not being there anymore. Not having him to talk to, believe in, not knowing how he was or if he needed me was very difficult. It is especially hard when they keep coming back saying what you want to hear, things like I Love You, etc.

 

It will get easier. You will eventually start to see a little sun shine each day. You will begin to start doing things, and little by little he won't be the first thought in your head. You need to start doing things for yourself, man I hated people telling me that, even though it is true. Do something you enjoy, or even go to a movie by yourself, at leat it is 2 hours where your mind is somewhere else!

 

Beleive in yourself. You need to find a way and believe that you are a good person, you do not deserve to be treated the way you are. Your needs are important. If he isn't going to be there it is up to you to meet your own needs. Be strong for yourself and in that your kids will see that you are strong. Someone they can depend on, look up to, during the craziness that is going on.

 

Who knows what will happen. No one said to give up hope, but don't give up on yourself. Believe you can make it with or without him.

 

One question: Why are the kids with him? Have you worked out an arrangment so you have them some on set days?

[GettingThere]

Oh I'm so sorry . Your story actually brought tears to my eyes. I would echo the question many maliboo asked - why are the kids with him? How often do you get to see them? How was this decided or were you just told he was having the younger two kids and he was handing in notice on the house? Is he still talking about getting back together?

 

Keep talking - there'll be lots of people here to support you.

[Konfuzion]

I hope its ok to post links here, but maybe have a look at this book. It has been a god send for me.

 

Stop your divorce! The author has his contact information in the book so you can call him with questions or for counseling. I actually have and appointment with the author today at 2:30pm and I cant wait to hear what he has to tell me.

 

Here is some highlights from the book, and best of luck to you.

 

So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent.

 

We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something different from what they want.

 

I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over.

And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of “your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather.” After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion.

 

This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, “Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?”

She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, “Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier.”

See, the opposite of what I suggested.

 

So I said, “Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier.” And I kept on that way.

In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility.

When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on.

 

So use the jujitsu. Go with them.

Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.

 

1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.

 

2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.

You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter.

Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.

“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”

“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”

Do not defend yourself.

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.

 

3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

The status quo – as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.

This uses jujitsu, and it always works.

 

Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.

You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.

Now, this does not mean no contact.

If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.

You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.

Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.

Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.

You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.

“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”

Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”

These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills.

Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”

Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”

I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”

“Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”

“Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”

“Yeah, I want her back.”

“That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”

And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”

Agree with them, quickly.

Why?

Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring.

If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!