Juanita26 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 8 weeks ago my H had an emotional affair that turned physical. My H confessed after he had realised that they had been found out and ended it. He did not tell me the whole truth about how many times that he slpet with her that when i did i told him to go to OW if that was what he wanted. He begged me to give our marriage a chance which i agreed to. This weekend he was given advice to leave me and our marriage of 7 years to be with the OW so he tried to start arguments to get me to throw him out, which i didn't do but got very close to. Whilst he was on the phone to his friend i had gone to get some washing and overheard him on the phone telling his friend that he thought that our marriage was over, when he came back down and he saw me in tears he felt bad again and made him snap out of his depresion of wanting her. Now i am confused, up until now have been mostly numb but now the pain has resurfaced and am not sure if he loves me as e says or thinks that he should love me but i actuality loves the OW. So confused of which way to turn we have MC booked for next week and says that he should move out if this does not work to sort his head out. Which is probably a good idea but also terrified that if he does that he contacts her and goes back to her. If he does is this the end. I have know my H since we were 9 years old but never got together until 10 years ago and married for 7 years have 2 young children aged 4 & 1 and know that our 4 year old loves her dad but the last year had an impact on their relationship and he has just got that back could she handle going through it again. Could I? Also must mention that this affair started in a new job and that i had just had a C section after 2nd child. Both of us agree that we were happy at this point so where did it go wrong for us? Hope MC works as at moment as he still thinks about her a lot but says he is sure he loves me i am in limbo waiting for him to make a decision.
LoyalGirl Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 This sounds like my situation. Good luck to us...
jmargel Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 You can't expect things to change after the first session. It could take weeks or months. The thing is, he can get all the advice he wants from a MC, but he needs to follow it. We can't predict the future, but what you did in regards to telling him to goto the other woman was a great thing. You opened that cage door for him to let him fly. You also have to let him know that if he does fly away he is NOT welcomed back. He needs to face the consequences for his actions otherwise he'll continue to disrespect you. He needs to put you as #1 priority and to stop acting so immature and selfish. He has a family he needs to take care of. You can't change him and if he doesn't want to change then MC is not going to help him either. Sounds like the communication between you two has not been going well which is the foundation of a good marriage. However he crossed boundaries that he shouldn't even gotten near. Let him know and spell it out on what you will and won't accept from him. As for your children, show them love. Keep doing things as a family like going out, having time together, etc. They are too young to understand and they will some how find a way to blame this on themselves. Be there for them.
Owl Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Is he still in contact with OW? MC will be USELESS if he is. You need to set a hardcore boundary...he HAS to go NC with her...period. You need to make it clear to him that he will lose you FOREVER if he doesn't get his stuff straight IMMEDIATELY. Take a look at the principles and such...the 'free material'...over on the marriagebuilders website...just stay away from the forum...the bitterness is palpable there. Read up on "plan A" and "plan B"...you need to start implementing a plan A right now. Keep posting here for advice...there are a lot of good people here who can help.
Author Juanita26 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Has had NC for 7 weeks now but he is trying hard to fight it. Wort point was this weekend after he received e-mail to go to OW hence he tried to force me to throw him out.
Owl Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Keep insisting on NC. And...you need to find ways to PROVE that there's no contact between them. Get a keylogger on his computer, start looking at his phone records... It doesn't sound to me like NC's been maintained, based off his behavior as you've described. He's probably just taken the affair a little more underground. Dig deeper, find the truth.
Author Juanita26 Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 I personally completely removed her number from his phone although cannot eradicate her completely as he has a tendency to remember number so knows her number and e-mail address even though they have been removed i just have to trust him that he will not contact her. So far beleive he has had no contact as he wants her out of his head and is scared of going into town for fear of seing her. Scared he gets bad again and tries to contat her. I love my husband even after all of this and want this to work more than anything else. He is my best friend and the one person i trusted above all others. I need to trust again as a marriage based on lies is doomed from the start. When i first started dating him it didn't take me long to know that he was the one that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that has not changed. A while ago he said that he loved me but was not in love with me and wanted to get those feelings back. But what happens when he does and it is'nt as exciting as it was with OW. With us there were no thunderbolts and lightening as it was with OW as we had known each other a long time and knew the same people. It felt comfortable from the start, there was still the thrill and butterflies in the tummy at the thought of seeing him and i still get that when i am away from him. I still think about him all the time and even whilst he was having the affair i would always ring him at lunch times just as i always had. Whilst she is still in his thoughts i feel that he still sees her as way out if the marriage doesn't work even though he says he dosn't see how it could work with her as he works away and we have 2 kids and she hates kids but think if it doesn't wok he would try as they have a lot in common more than me and my H have. Sacred that now he knows that he will feel that we don't have enough in common and will want to be wity someone who he does as we are completely opposite in almost evry way but so far that has worked but now maybe he's realised that he wants more.
jmargel Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Don't you get tired of giving? Don't you get tired of playing detective? Don't you get tired of trying to do the same thing over and getting no where? Take a step back and look at the big picture here. The issue here is not the other woman, it's his attitude. It's his selfishness, it's his immaturity. You are trying to keep booze away from an alcoholic. At some point he will drink again. At some point he will have contact with her again. You are in a parent-child relationship with him. Which means, he will rebel against you and you will have to keep after his coattails. This is not a good marriage. You can't make him 'want' you. He's in the infactuation stage with this other woman, and yes it will wear off but that doesn't mean your marriage will be good after that.. Good chance he'll find someone else or do other things to disrespect you. He has not faced any consequences for his behavior, so why should he change? His ego is STROKED, every day he has two women wanting him is another day with a smile on his face. This is his immaturity. So, why not break it? Tell him to leave, tell him you HAD ENOUGH and you are gone. This will be the only thing that will wake him up and make him 'think'. What are you really getting out of this marriage?
Author Juanita26 Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I don't feel i have to play detective as to do that would be destructive to rebuilding relationship as somehere along the line i have to start to trust again. I don't beleive he would contact her as now leaves phones around that i can look at if i want to. Also he has started new job which is doing what he has always wanted to do, it is his dream job and is slowly rebuilding his confidence back. Why would he want to contact her and have her ruin another job especially when this one is so important to him. The OW ruined his lat job as he met not long after starting and worked in same office but he never noticed her until induction. They would mess around and have a laugh that they became the jokers of the office. He also worked with people that were mostly single and up to 10 years younger than him and would have lots of social gatherings. I beleive that he got a taste of the single life again. Also worked with lots of women that would boost his ego by saying that he was so great cause he could make everyone laugh that i called them 'the Harem'. During the affair and after it had ended he lost 2 stones in weeks and was having panic attacks and couldn't sleep without taking sleeping pills or getting drunk due to him being so full of guilt and thinking of her. He says that the one thing that makes him better is me and throwing himself back into the family life with the kids. i have helped him through the panic attacks which have now stopped and by doing this it is rebuilding the trust again. Since this has happened things have changed between us, we talk more and spend more time with each other as he helps me to put the kids to bed rather than letting me do it all. He said that at the time he felt lonely because he would wait downstairs for me to put kids to bed and would get about 1-2 hours with me a day (if he was lucky) as would be tired out and go to bed early. Now i stay up later as not a tired a he is helping out more with kids and other chores. I have seen what this has done to his health and beleive that if we can make this marriage work that we can be better together as when we think about the future we do not see ourselves living apart but together. Hope we can come through this and that this MC works as a future without him in it looks bleak. Setting ground rules and what changes needed to be made helped.
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