atzorvas Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Ok so I got dumped by my ex a couple of months ago. I've maintained no contact for about 6 weeks. 6 weeks ago she said really nasty things to me, swore at me, told me to never contact her again etc.. And I can understand her anger because I neglected her. We dated for a year or so. I am a changed guy now, I've accepted and learned from my mistakes, and i don't hurt anymore. I'm focused on my career. Today she called out of the blue and asked how I was doing. She also said that I could call her tomorrow night "if I wanted to talk". It was very brief, 1 min call. My fellow friends...what shall I do? Is it a trap? When she called, I thought the hurt would come back but it didn't. Has anyone had a similar experience?
CaliGuy Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 You don't call her. You let her chase you. She broke up with you, she said mean things. If you just rush right back into a relationship with her, she's going to dump you again. She needs to work to earn your love and trust back. Don't GIVE the farm away my friend.
Jilly Bean Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I don't think she was calling you to get back together, but more likely to have the closure talk.
sid3 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Having been in the exact same situation not so long ago I can tell you first hand, CaliGuy's advice is pretty much all that needs to be said. All I can add is the fact that exes often come around once you've begun moving on and in many cases they are only looking for an ego boost and validation. Sad but true.
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think that if she broke up with you because you neglected her and the relationship, then she had reason to do that and I applaud her for it. You can't fault her for that; for walking away from someone she loved but who treated her as if she didn't matter. And if she got angry, it was probably because she felt you weren't actually listening to her and were instead making excuses for the things you did...or didn't do. I think she does want to talk about the possibility of getting back together and to see if anything has changed. Sometimes break-ups like this can be a wake-up call. The thing is that if you haven't been missing her or feeling remorse about how you treated her, thinking that you would do things differently if you have the chance, then you need to call her and let her know that. If you would like a second chance, then here's your big chance. The thing that concerns me is the way you talk about this, "I'm a changed guy...learned from my mistakes...and don't hurt anymore." You still sound cold and detached and if that's where you still are, don't waste her time because it'll all be the same again. When you decide to actually open your heart to someone, you'll learn that closing yourself off is the absolute last thing you should do. Love is risk and if you're not willing to open up completely to someone, then you'll lose every time. Your call.
ate_the_paint Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I don't know. As hard as it is I don't think it is ever a good idea to get back together after a breakup. In fact, I would make it a rule if I could. Does anybody want the damage twice over?
Simplycaroline Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think that it is great that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship break down. The fact that is that you were every bit as devistated by the break up as she was. If you are happier and more at peace as you are then do not contact her. The ball is not in your court. You did not contact her she contacted you. If you are moving on and are happy with that then keep moving and let her persue you and be clear about what she wants. You are not obligated nor do you owe her to contact her for any reason as you relationship had already ended. You would only owe her IF you had contacted her which you did not.
ed-205 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I have never got back together with an ex - (not that it's a "wrong" thing to do). I have usually managed to maintain a friendly relationship with most of them, but I always figured in the back of my head that if I wasn't good enough the first time, I doubted things would be any different the second time around. Old habits may go away as your circumstances change, but they have a way of coming back, especially under the same influences which they first appeared.
Author atzorvas Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 thx all of you for the input, it really helped! I never called her (I think she was hoping I would), cause today morning she sent me a txt asking if I'm doing well. So I decided to give her a temporary ego boost and I replied and said that I'm great and wished her a nice day at school. I am at peace with myself and I don't want anything to disturb that. Even though it was my fault the relationship ended, the breakup has really helped me to see my flaws and change me as a person. So I guess a small ego booster for her was my way of thanking her for making me a better person. I doubt that she will pursue me because she has told me over and over again (thx to my post breakup txt/call terrorism!) that she cares nothing for me and has no feelings at all and to leave her alone. When she said that I could call her "if i wanted to talk" i think she meant if I wanted to talk about how things are going and not about getting back together. Thank God I'm not hurting as a result of this! It proves to me that I've forgiven myself and accepted what happened even though deep down inside I still may have feelings for her. I'm doing fine on my own, been working out like crazy, I feel healthier, fitter, fresher and I'm really doing well with my career. I've got alot to look forward to in the future =) Thank you all again, it makes me feel better to get my thoughts down like this!
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think that it is great that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship break down. The fact that is that you were every bit as devistated by the break up as she was. If you are happier and more at peace as you are then do not contact her. The ball is not in your court. You did not contact her she contacted you. If you are moving on and are happy with that then keep moving and let her persue you and be clear about what she wants. You are not obligated nor do you owe her to contact her for any reason as you relationship had already ended. You would only owe her IF you had contacted her which you did not. Let me explain this from a female's point of view: He did things that caused her to walk away from the relationship. Not really the wrong thing to do on her part. But she obviously still loved him, and probably still does. She calls him up so that he might clue in that the possibility of communication is still open. This is what she is most likely thinking right now: he knows why she left him and that she had a valid reason. And that if a guy really wants to be with a woman, nothing will stop him from pursuing her. The ball is not in her court. He behaved in such a way that caused the relationship to end. She contacted him which might be a clue to him that there could be a possibility for communication and possibly reconciliation. If he doesn't contact her, she will conclude that she was correct when she left in the first place because he acted like he didn't care about her. Not contacting her will just cement this belief that he didn't care then and still doesn't. Welcome to the female mind.
Simplycaroline Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Let me explain this from a female's point of view: He did things that caused her to walk away from the relationship. Not really the wrong thing to do on her part. But she obviously still loved him, and probably still does. She calls him up so that he might clue in that the possibility of communication is still open. This is what she is most likely thinking right now: he knows why she left him and that she had a valid reason. And that if a guy really wants to be with a woman, nothing will stop him from pursuing her. The ball is not in her court. He behaved in such a way that caused the relationship to end. She contacted him which might be a clue to him that there could be a possibility for communication and possibly reconciliation. If he doesn't contact her, she will conclude that she was correct when she left in the first place because he acted like he didn't care about her. Not contacting her will just cement this belief that he didn't care then and still doesn't. Welcome to the female mind. I respect your opinion Angel, I just do not agree with it. By his own admission he behaved poorly in the relationship and has suffered the concequences and seems to be moving on with his life. Like most of us flawed humans he made mistakes but is working on himself. Not contacting her means that he is moving on and nothing more nothing less. He is not interested in drama it sounds like she is not either. By the way I am a female and I do not think like you do and it is OK. We are alowed to have different views. Thanks for your point of view it just shows that difference makes the world go around.
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 By the way I am a female and I do not think like you do and it is OK. Sorry about that - I should've known by the 'caroline' thing. Whoops.
nopainnogain Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 So I decided to give her a temporary ego boost and I replied and said that I'm great and wished her a nice day at school. lol:laugh: . By the way I am a female and I do not think like you do and it is OK. We are alowed to have different views. Thanks for your point of view it just shows that difference makes the world go around. lol. Even females dont understand eachother:laugh:
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Let me put it another way - I don't personally get the impression he cares about her, no matter what he says. And that's probably what his ex will conclude and realize that she did the right thing by leaving him.
Author atzorvas Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Thx angel for the input. (ditto to caroline!!) I actually DO care about her as a person and a part of me even wants her back. At one point we loved each other so much that we would often fantasize about marriage and kids! But I'm stronger now, and more experienced with relationships and I feel liberated..not in the sense that I was imprisoned when we were a couple and now I'm claiming my freedom..but liberated in that I am a better person than before and that I can look forward to new experiences. I can't keep on clinging onto a false hope of reconciliation because that drives me INSANE!! She broke up with me through facebook/txts and after the break up I annoyed her (like hell) for closure..that pushed her away even more. She made is absolutely clear to me at that time that she has no feelings at all for me and not to contact her....so I'm just surprised that after 6 weeks she is being really nice to me and is showing some concern. By the way, I also learnt that she was studying for a major exam..maybe she was stressed and alone and thats why she decided to initiate contact? Personally that one phone call and txt message isn't enough for me to assume she wants to get back..she hasn't even told me if she wants to be friends atleast...but then again, perhaps I don't get the female mind? Or maybe I should just ask her? I've just reached a stage where I'm over the break up and I'm happy again even though I think of her often. The last thing I want to do is loose all of that...
Angel1111 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Yeah I can understand what you're saying. If she told you she has no feelings for you anymore, then that's a tough thing to get past. Those are very strong words and she should've known that when she said them. And if you're over the pain, I can understand not wanting to go there again and possibly re-open that wound.
movingonandon Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Let me explain this from a female's point of view: He did things that caused her to walk away from the relationship. Not really the wrong thing to do on her part. But she obviously still loved him, and probably still does. She calls him up so that he might clue in that the possibility of communication is still open. This is what she is most likely thinking right now: he knows why she left him and that she had a valid reason. And that if a guy really wants to be with a woman, nothing will stop him from pursuing her. The ball is not in her court. He behaved in such a way that caused the relationship to end. She contacted him which might be a clue to him that there could be a possibility for communication and possibly reconciliation. If he doesn't contact her, she will conclude that she was correct when she left in the first place because he acted like he didn't care about her. Not contacting her will just cement this belief that he didn't care then and still doesn't. Welcome to the female mind. Sorry, but this is absurd and ridiculous. If SHE is the one who ended the relaitonship, regardless of reason, then SHE must put in the (initial) effort to rebuild it. She chose to walk away instead of trying to work things out, so it's NOT his job to make the initial effort. How on earth can you expect that he'd act if he cared if she's the one who dumped him? This is not the first time I've seen this absurd reasoning, but it still irritates me, as you can see. My ex (who de facto cheated on me), concluded that "I've never really loved her" after she called me a month later, while still with that other guy, and my reaction of course was to be cold and abrupt. (What did she expect???) Do you see how insane the above reasoning is now?
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