Crushed By Ex's True Colors

[CaLLiEbLuE]

I ran into my ex, as tends to happen since we live so close by each other. We ended up having a very honest conversation about where things stood in our lives and I need to write it out. All of it. We were talking about his current girlfriend and how they've been together for almost 2 years, and yet he's cheated on her repeatedly. His logic is if you're not living together and you're not married, its okay. So I end up asking if he's in love with her because in my eyes, if you're in love with someone you don't cheat on them. He said to me, "I've said the L word, if thats what you mean. I'm not like, head over heels or anything. I'm just really confused right now." That was the ONE thing he could never say, and he used to tell me all the time, "Its not just you, I've never said it to anyone, I don't think I'll ever be able to say it." He continues by saying, "When I said it, I meant it, but...I dunno if its gonna work out." So my heart, my stupid heart that no longer flutters around this guy, is wondering, "Why her?" and I actually said that aloud. He asked, "Why her as opposed to...you?" and I was honest and said yes. So he said "Because I don't think we work well together in a relationship, but...I dunno. Luckily I can still talk to you." =/

 

Then he goes on to say he doesn't think it'll end up working out because he's Catholic and she's Jewish and this is NOT meant to offend anyone but merely to explain his commentary. He said, "I can see it not working out because she'd give me a hard time about the kids thing. Because she's Jewish her kids have to be, and I am NOT allowing that. She thinks that they should be Jewish because she is and its like, What I don't even get a say?! And thats like saying you're entitled to get your way and you don't need a reason because you're Jewish. Its such a Jew thing to say." Uh....yeah.

 

But you love her. And honestly, I didn't feel any feelings towards him like I used to. I haven't in a really long time I'm realizing, but...at the same time, its still heartbreaking to hear how he doesn't think we went well together. Why? Because I wanted to TALK about issues and I wanted to TALK about feelings/emotions and where we stood. I stood up for myself when I wasn't being treated with respect. So thats why I'm just good as a friend because I'm still nice, he can still talk to me/hang out with me, but...as a gf I didn't give in and I didn't let him walk all over me.

 

So no, I don't think they realize what they lost. I don't think my ex will ever look back and think I was anything special. I don't think years later we'll be meant for each other. And I'm in this negative state right now...so please, be kind, comment away, and please ease this aching in my heart. Its not even about feelings for him, its more about how he just never wanted me back. Ever.

[nickelinadime]

It's going to be alright. Sounds like he's afraid of commitment and just wants a fun relationship. You deserve much better, and you will find much better. Stay no contact if you can because you're doing well. Don't let your emotions get the best of you and lose all progress.

[orangehose]

Reality check: this guy has cheated on his new girlfriend repeatedly. And you wonder why he didn't say he loved you? Rationally, you should be glad he didn't 'love' you (whatever he means by that, because apparently 'loving' someone doesn't preclude cheating). You might be stuck with a confused, immature guy who was cheating on you constantly.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Believe me, I do understand how one can love a jerk. My ex was a jerk, or at least behaved like one at the time.

 

But I agree, it is difficult to stomach rejection, the fact that someone could walk away from you and not regret their decision for a moment, or not even feel bad for the way they treated you. This is an unfortunate fact of life, and human nature.

 

But the flip side of that is, you were saved years (or even a life) with someone who wasn't able to understand or appreciate you on some level, to love you the way you deserve to be loved. It doesn't mean that someone was a terrible person (though in your case, it does seem like your ex is NOT the kind of person any girl should be in a relationship with). They're just not the person for you.

[orangehose]

By the way, I think with people who can 'never' say the word love (my friend dated one of these folks), just with like people who throw the L word out too easily or too soon (like my ex), CAUTION is advised.

[Trialbyfire]

Callieblue, your ex is shallow. A very good reason not to be involved with him. Count your lucky stars you're not!

[CaliGuy]

He's a cheater. Instead of questionning his actions with his current GF you should be thanking your lucky stars you aren't with him anymore.

 

Sometimes the seemingly un-answered prayers from God are the one's we should be most thankful for that He didn't listen to us.

[CaLLiEbLuE]

I thank you all for your response....I've been taking a lot of time to figure out what it is that keeps me wanting to even associate with this miserable excuse for a human being. If I may share my ramblings with the rest of you, considering you all seem to have better insight into things from the outside than I do from within...

 

Betrayal you hit it on the head when you said he's not talking to her about these things, and I think thats why every few months he contacts me because I see now I'm the emotional crutch. She's the once-a-week girlfriend who he has this superficial sham of a relationship with, and I really DO feel for this girl. I could have BEEN her.

 

I saw changes in him the last 2 months of our relationship 3 yrs ago. He became completely shut down and angry all the time, and he stopped opening up. He started doing things out of malice, and at least had the guts to tell me he wanted to date around and that I wasn't someone he'd cheat on. It's been a slow decline I've watched happen ever since. I broke it off, he started hooking up with other girls, we stayed close as friends, and when we seemed to get too close he'd push me away.

 

He admitted to me before ever dating this girl that we work as friends but that he knows he can't have an actual relationship because all he thinks about is himself. That he knows I deserve to be with someone who can say I love you and means it and can give me everything he knows he can't. Shortly after he met his current gf and we lost contact.

 

Emotionally this drains me because when we broke up I wasn't over him and its been a roller coaster ever since. He'll have other gfs, the girls (every single one since me) fall in love with him, he sticks around without ever committing or opening up.

 

He'll list my attributes, stating he knows I'm a good person, that I'm always there for him, that he cares about me...yet has always pushed me away or hurt me to keep me at a distance safe enough for his liking. It doesn't help that in the last year he became a police officer in NYPD and no surprise, isn't satisfied with this path. He now wants to become FDNY.

 

Its hard for me because I get far enough away from him to be okay on my own two feet and he knows me well enough to get inside my head. This girl is just as worth it as I am, I don't hold it against her that she stays with him, but I can't understand is what happened to him.

 

I can't say I feel responsible, I know this goes far beyond me, but when we were together he actually opened up to me and told me things that he's never shared with anyone. But again, intimacy and us getting closer always seemed to have an opposite effect on him than it does on most people. Its like he let his guard down and then hated me for making him feel anything at all. So I'm the friend, or emotional crutch or whatever, who watches him go through these relationships, one foot outside the door. And when they're gone he comes back, starts to get close, then pulls away. Over and over and over.

 

My head and my heart can never get right with this.

[CaLLiEbLuE]

If I'm entirely honest....I'm in love with the guy he was when we were together.What I "hope" is that if I'm completely out of his life (I deleted him on facebook, blocked him on AIM, deleted his cell, have gotten rid of all traces of his memory etc), when he matures he will see that we DID have a good relationship and that we can get to know each other again as adults.

Part of me is completely shattered that someone I loved so much almost has "no use" for me in his life anymore, except when its convenient. I can't come to grips with how being in these "easy" relationships is better than something deep and real? The completely irrational side of me wonders if I should be more like the girls he chooses the date: low self-esteem, willing to keep my mouth shut and do what he wants all the time, but I can't abandon my identity for a relationship. Thats not REAL.

Its a catch 22...I'm the friend he can confide in and openly admits that I'm a great person, he can talk to me when he needs to, still attracted to me, still grateful that I care about him after all these years and yet....we don't "work" as a couple. But being in relationships where you can cheat, lie, and walk all over someone is a working relationship? I feel dysfunctional, like there's something wrong with me that after everything, this guy you all describe as being an SOB (rightfully so) doesn't want ME back. If someone like that doesn't even want you....doesn't that say something about your character? I don't get remembered as the great girlfriend, I get remembered as the girl who it didn't "work" with and it kills me inside to know I wasn't even worth loving in his eyes. That makes NO sense to me

[norajane]

You really don't have him out of your system yet. All those things that are killing you inside wouldn't even cross your mind if you had gotten him out of your system already.

 

Sometimes you have to accept that even though you care about someone, that does not mean you can actually be in a relationship with them or that you should be.

 

If this cheater doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, yes, you are dysfunctional - NOT because he rejected you, but because YOU want to be in a relationship with HIM, even knowing that he is a cheater, even knowing that he has trouble with the concept of love, even knowing the HE isn't a good partner.

 

Do whatever you have to do, but get this guy out of your system. There are better guys out there.

[BCCA]

People really dont change. I think we all have those feelings that if our ex could just do ONE THING differently, or realize they were wrong here or there, it could work out. Problem is, its not easy to look in the mirror, say "I was/am wrong", and then set out to correct your flaws. Its easier to just get out of the situation all together and find someone else who wont notice our flaws...at least not right away.

 

Dont be there to listen to this nonsense anymore. If you run into him and he tells you about his scandolous behavior, tell him you feel like she should know, and if he keeps telling you, youll make sure she does. Chances are, he has a guilty concious and he gets things off his mind be telling you.

 

It doesnt matter if he told her he loves her, he obviously doesnt. I would rather never hear 'i love you' then for someone to lie about it. People are so selfish and manipulative. I hope you realize that this guy is no good, and you are actually very lucky.

[CaLLiEbLuE]

To help myself figure out where I went wrong, I'm gonna break this down. Things I'd bring up to Colin/issues that came up/problems in the relationship:

1) Flirting with other girls in front of me. If you're gonna do it, at least do it when I'm not five feet away..and not in front of my friends where you disrespect me and make me look like a fool.

2) Bringing up his ex & making me pay for how she made him feel by second-guessing every intention I had since she'd "hold things over him." This one just hurt more than anything b/c I was constantly on eggshells.

3) Giving my interests a chance, at least once in awhile.

4) Putting down my friends/family when he'd do so

5) Paying once in awhile cuz if I didn't pay, we didn't go out =/

6) Talking to me instead of bottling everything inside...what ultimately ended us. He waits until after we're on the verge of breaking up or broken up to tell me how much he cares about me, how much he wants for us, how I'm worth trying again with...everything that I'd waited 10 1/2 months to hear, he waits to say until we're no longer together.

7) If you're not comfortable having sex, for any reason, don't put me down or criticize my body when I'm working out 4X a week and am nowhere near overweight KNOWING I have a history of anorexia/put me down for not having big enough breasts.

Not wanting to watch any movies I wanted to, not wanting to learn more about my music, not wanting to learn about me as a person.

9) If a girl does something nice for you just for the sake of showing she cares, don't look at her and say, "What were you expecting to get out of this?"

10) Don't tell me you think I could find some guy that I'm crazy about because it hurts to know no matter how much I love you, no matter how much I try to show you I care, you still think I don't want you. =(

11) Accuse me of always having an agenda. Down to the way I take a sip of your drink because my expression "looks rehearsed."

12) Say that I fight with you for no reason, when all I'm doing is expressing my feelings without so much as raising my voice and when I say "If you did something wrong, so did I. Its 50/50."

13) When I tell you to make more of an effort with your friends, but when we break up you tell everyone we worked with that I never gave you space to hang out with them. I ALWAYS said friends come first, and you complained that they went home at midnight so you'd prefer hanging out with me instead. But yet...I kept you from going out. Okay...

14) What did I do wrong? I thought too much because I'm an analytical person, and when I tried to talk about my feelings and tried to say what I felt about our relationship, you don't want to hear it and push me away. Then go on to say we don't work because you want to be with a girl who doesn't talk about serious things, who you can play video games with and talk about "sh*t that doesn't matter."

And for all of these reasons...he doesn't want me back...it really was him...