lovejunkie10 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 So my friend (honestly!) has been dating a great guy for over 6 mos. He is smart, funny, well-spoken, talented, and just an overall great guy. There is one glaring potential problem however. He is an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon four times in six months. Not good. He attends AA meetings regularly and she has given him an ultimatum: in order to keep her, he cannot drink again period. He says that he will not drink again if that means he will keep her. At this point, she is ready to run and in fact is withdrawing emotionally. This of course is making him more clingy and needy. SO her question is this: how best should she extricate herself? I have been telling her for quite awhile now that addictions mean there is a 3rd party in the relationship and it sure as heck is not her. Any suggestions or comments from those of you who have been there/are there now? She is really having a tough time with this..
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 What are the physical parameters? Proximity, communication, family, etc.... Has she tried leaving/dumping him? If so, what happened?
Author lovejunkie10 Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Carhill, she says that he has become more obsessed. This is all very recent. He is according to her in denial that she is going to leave. He then has promised that he won't drink again but she is pretty sure that he has just recently on a business trip.
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 How old are they? Any children involved on either side? Perhaps not superficially germain, but it does help with background. IYO, does she have attachment or co-dependency issues, perhaps a difficult childhood in her background? Such issues would affect methodology. IOW, there's no simple answer, though I'm sure you'll hear from others to "leave"
2sunny Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 if he's working the AA program that's great. it seems he would do that more for his own benefit than for her. if she wants to get a little clarity on her position as far as dating him... she may want to consider an al-anon meeting. the folks there will give her a lot of really good guidance.
Karma101 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Dating an alcoholic for 6 months... Leave him. Period. I was married to a raging alcoholic for 11 years. I barely made it out alive. It is the most miserable, unpredicatable life, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy. Addiction is a life-long battle and relapses are extremely common. Ultimatums will not work. Begging and pleading will not work. There is nothing she can do to deter his drinking if he doesn't want to stop and begin recovery. I could go on and on, but won't. The memories are just too painful. I want to add that people do recover every single day. For me, the "unknown" (relapses) would just not be worth the pain...
zazue Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Dating an alcoholic for 6 months... Leave him. Period. I was married to a raging alcoholic for 11 years. I barely made it out alive. It is the most miserable, unpredicatable life, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy. Addiction is a life-long battle and relapses are extremely common. Ultimatums will not work. Begging and pleading will not work. There is nothing she can do to deter his drinking if he doesn't want to stop and begin recovery. I could go on and on, but won't. The memories are just too painful. I want to add that people do recover every single day. For me, the "unknown" (relapses) would just not be worth the pain... Amen Karma, right on the money. I have dealt with an alchoholic for 22 years. Get out as soon as you can. Do not believe what they say. They are so good at lying to themselves, that they can lie to you without a second thought. Just go, you will thank yourself in the long run. Good luck!
Islandgirl03 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I was in a 4 year relationship with a functioning alcoholic, and drug user. His typical drug was pot, but I later found out that it was also the occasional use of coke. I am a social drinker only and don't do any drugs. Very hard for me to understand, and because he was a functioning alcoholic he was at his best when he was drinking. What Karma says with ultimatums, and begging/pleading not working is true. It doesn't. He has to hit rock bottom and realize that he wants to get there himself. So how did we end it. I was the one that ended it, I just did it. Things hadn't been right for a while (a few months to even a year). I'm embarrassed to admit this but we hadn't had sex in over 2 years (him, not me, and a real demoralizor for me). The last time we kissed I might as well have been kissing a stone for the amount of feeling that was there on both our parts. We talked after work one day, and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I said that what we wanted out of life as well as how we wanted to lead our lives where just too different. I couldn't handle the desicsions that he had made, and I couldnt' believe that he was happy with me with the negative person I had become. (I'm normally a happy person, that enjoys sharing the good. With him I'd turned into this nagging, upset, negative thing, that I hated.) Your friend has to realize what her life will be like, and then she has to do it. She can't think about how it will hurt him, because in the end staying with him will hurt both of them even more.
v33 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 My ex-girlfriend was an alcoholic. Drank to intoxication almost every night the last couple of years. But was so bad in denial about it. I think that was the worst part, how she hid it, lied to me and others, would do anything to drink and be excused for it. It's great that this guy is in recovery, but as long as he has this demon in his life he will never be totally emotionally available for another person. He needs to get better on his own, and he needs to want to get better. No amount of love will help addiction, no amount of caretaking or threats or ultimatums. If that was the case we wouldn't need AA, treatment centres, therapy etc, everybody would just go out an fall in love. She needs to get away, sneak away if she must and let him sort his life out. He WILL drag her down. Ask her, if it was you in this situation, what would she advise you to do? Stay with the guy? There's millions of guys out there and a lot of them a great people without addictions who are ready to give back in a relationship. Help her get out of this.
dcgirl33 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Alcohol is a jealous mistress. ha! She needs to go to AA too. If I were an alcoholic, I would try everthing to hold on to my mate too...except stop drinking. Who wants to be a lonely alcoholic? They need a GF who can drive them to and from the bars or police station.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 At this point, she is ready to run and in fact is withdrawing emotionally. Once the heart goes, than the feet are sure to follow. Sometimes ‘guilt’ can be the last remaining emotional tie that keeps someone lingering in a situation their common sense tells them they’d be better off removing themselves from. People with good hearts have trouble letting people down when that person has become almost too dependant on him. I know that for a lot of people, a part of that worry is that the alcoholic/addict might suffer a relapse as a result and that it’ll somehow make them partly responsible. I think it’s most important for your friend to understand that she is not responsible for helping him to remain sober, and if he’s going to relapse, he’s going to trip all on his own whether she’s there to support him or not. Similarly, if he can not remain sober without her continuing to provide him with a crutch, then he’s nowhere near being strong enough to stand on his own and make the permanent changes needed to be of any benefit to himself, let alone a partner she can depend on in the long term. No one should ever feel guilty for not being able to help someone who is unwilling to contribute to themselves. On the brighter side, time and circumstance is in her favor. At least she has no marriage, children, extended family, financial entanglements or obligations to this man that need to be taken into consideration. She is free to act in her own best interests with little to no casualties should she soon reach the point where she’s finally had enough. Probably no need to hurry her decision along at this point, because it’s sounds as if she’s just about there. You’re a great friend for continuing to support her through the process. But I bet you’re starting to get a little tired, too.
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 So how did we end it. I was the one that ended it, I just did it. Things hadn't been right for a while (a few months to even a year). I'm embarrassed to admit this but we hadn't had sex in over 2 years (him, not me, and a real demoralizor for me). Ohmygod, this is me. After a three year relationship (the last two of which were entirely sexless), I just moved into my own apartment (three weeks ago!). But it took me over a year to get the strength to do it; I kept waiting for him to sober up and it never happened. And it probably never will. It is terribly sad to see someone with so much intelligence, potential, and charisma drink their life away. I thought I could be the one to "change him." I am so much better on my own and you will be too!
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