yasmina1706 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Hello, Just posting here as I'm really confused and not sure if I'm overreacting or whether this is a normal problem. My boyfriend and I are basically two different people: I am quite an open and trusting person. My boyfriend, however, isn't, and at times I feel like I hardly know him. I am 18 and he is 20. We have been together for nearly 4 months now and were good friends for a year before that. He was always a lot of fun to be around and very caring to me, but as a friend I can't say I knew 'him' at all, just his social persona. He never told me what he was feeling or thinking, and deflected any personal questions with jokes. Now we are a couple, he is a sweet, fun and attentive boyfriend, and he has opened up a bit more, but I feel like there is still a part of him that he refuses to show me. For example, we just had a conversation about sexual fantasies. I was embarrased but told him some of my kinkier ones. We discussed them for a while, and then I asked him about his. He FLAT OUT refused to tell me, saying he 'had nothing to say', and 'just didn't feel like talking'. I got upset and told him I don't feel close to him at times like this, saying I just wanted to know him better. He said 'if you knew me, you'd understand sometimes I just don't want to talk about things'. Another example - for ages he got upset and moody whenever I said he looked cute, or that I wanted to cuddle him. Eventually (after lots of confusing angriness on his part) he told me that he felt like I didn't find him attractive but was just with him because I loved him. I was very glad that he finally opened up to me, and explained his moodiness but even then he wouldn't trust me enough to believe me when I said I did find him attractive. After about a month of fairly regular discussions about this, he finally stated he did believe me, although I'm not sure if he really does. It's not that he is uncommitted. He spends hours talking to me, takes excellent care of me when I'm sick, and wants to spend a lot of time with me. He has even told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and has mentioned marriage and kids! (a bit too fast for me, but it didn't freak me out). I love to be independent (have my own life, spend time with friends, have my own hobbies), yet still be emotionally close to this one special person. He on the other hand seems very comfortable being physically close to me, around me all the time, etc, but not comfortable being emotionally close. I have told him a lot about myself, and he has accepted me without judging me, and is unflinchingly positive about me and the things I do. He says that he loves that I trust him enough to tell him my fears and worries. Why can't he trust me in equal measure? I don't expect him to change for me, but this is making me quite sad right now, and am wondering if anyone has any tips for putting this into perspective? Am I overreacting? Is it just a case of me being a typical girl and him a typical guy? I just want to enjoy my relationship and be with this lovely man, but I sometimes feel there is something missing... p.s I told him it was fine if he didn't want to tell me things sometimes, that we haven't been together long, and we'll get to know each other naturally if we stay together a long time. His response? 'I love you, I want to be with you for as long as possible, but this isn't going to change, this is the way I am'
daphne Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 He's not going to change. You either accept him as is, or find someone that is more open like you. It's a tough decision if you love him. I once dated a guy that was moody, secretive and withheld a lot of personal information. He was super attentive, also. However, I don't think I'll ever date someone else like him as I came to realize that with my ex, he wanted to know everything about me, and withhold his own information because he liked having the upper hand and knew that if I found out some things that I probably wouldn't have wanted to be with him. He also turned out to be a liar, unfortunately. Not that your guy is. It's purely anecdotal.
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