Notaboy Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 So- Ive been seeing this guy for a few months. Started out nice and strong, he made one heck of a point of showing (and verbalizing) that he knows and can do what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship. Things were fine for a month and a half, then all of a sudden he started to drop off. Fine- I figured- Honeymoon is over, we both work seasonal-ish jobs, we live in different counties, and traffic can be really rough- so we dont usually see eachother much more than on the weekends... It seems however that he's got this habit of dropping all lines of communication basically whenever he is busy with something (anything?) else...work, friends visiting, family visiting. I certainly dont think that he needs to call me and or e-mail me every night of the week, but I also dont think its quite right that he went upstate for 7 days on vacation and couldnt find the time to give me a ring once in there. Im not a particularly picky woman about who is calling who- but there does come a point where you are making all the phone calls, and initializing all of the e-mails, and you begin to wonder, you know? So here is my dilemma- Im not opposed to continuing to see this person- we are great when we are together. Good conversation, great laughs and good debates- and I LOVE that. However- I do not want to be in an exclusive relationship with him based on his habit of dropping the communication unless I am standing right in front of him. It really makes me feel kind of used, and then I end up sitting around waiting for this dude because I dont feel like its quite right for me to just go out with others. Most of my friends are tied up in relationships, so you dont feel like being the third wheel all the time, ya know? Id say he's using me, but what dude spends enough time to bother to be so "present" if he just wants sex? He's clearly not willing(?) to put the effort into keeping an exclusive relationship. (unless exclusive only means that he shows up once every few weeks, we're intimate, and then he goes off on his way) So I ask you all (whom I assume have more experience than I)- what are your thoughts on this behavior? How can I delicately explain that while I really enjoy his company, I really cant consider this an exclusive relationship, as he's barely a part of my life regularly? Perhaps I am asking too much too early? I dont want to walk this dude right out of my life, but I certainly dont want him to think that this behavior is ok, and that I will sit around and wait for him all the time.
jen's mind Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Have you established or discussed exclusivity? It doesn't necessarily sound like that's what he wants. To me, exclusivity is a precursor to intimacy. It creates a safe environment to let go of ego and explore who each other really is. Is that what you're looking for in an exclusive relationship, or just to know where you stand and what you're going to be doing on Saturday night?
Author Notaboy Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 yes. Exclusivity was discussed and agreed upon, fairly early on. In fact, the funniest thing about it all really, is that it was at his request. Definitely the precursor to our being intimate, definitely an indication to me that we're interested enough to really learn who the other is.. my I guess "issue" is two fold- a) This is not behavior congruent with an "exclusive" relationship- at least, what I feel like is that while we may have labeled ourselves as exclusive- the behavior that I am seeing from him is that of someone thats seeing somebody (save the intimacy thing- which really means little to nothing to me if I dont have a solid friendship developing as well) so...spot on, doesnt seem like thats what he wants...Ive allowed myself to be a little clouded on this one becuase of the fact that he intiated the "lets be exclusive" conversation in the first place. b) Yes. I want to know what I am doing Saturday Night would be a very superficial way to describe it. Its not just that I want to know what I am doing, its that I think its reasonable that if I am in this "exclusive relationship" to hear from and or spend time with this person regularly, which is not happening. This bothers me. I am interested in this person for sure- but I do not want to waste time with somebody thats jerking me around...you know? So...the real deal is this. I know the answer- we can no longer be exclusive unless he wants to step it up. I am assuming he wont want to step it up. Perhaps I just totally trusted his intentions and perhaps he is totally willing to say whatever he needs to say in order to get in bed with a woman. hmmmm.... but then again.. I dont want to kick him out of my life (though if he totally went with the "lets be in an exclusive relationship" talk just to get some intimacy, well- duh).... I am thinking about this too much, arent I? Needs are not being met, and I am wondering what else is out there. Thats a pretty good indication this one is over, isnt it?
jen's mind Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 yes. Exclusivity was discussed and agreed upon, fairly early on. In fact, the funniest thing about it all really, is that it was at his request. Definitely the precursor to our being intimate, definitely an indication to me that we're interested enough to really learn who the other is. b) Yes. I want to know what I am doing Saturday Night would be a very superficial way to describe it. Its not just that I want to know what I am doing, its that I think its reasonable that if I am in this "exclusive relationship" to hear from and or spend time with this person regularly, which is not happening. This bothers me. I am interested in this person for sure- but I do not want to waste time with somebody thats jerking me around...you know? Didn't mean to come across as judgmental with the "Saturday night" question; just wanted to clarify where you're coming from. You sound very clear about what you want. (Congratulations! I give you credit.) Your thought process is sound and what you're looking for seems perfectly legitimate. In the same situation, I would be thinking and feeling along very similar lines. It's probably time to talk to him and confirm where things are at, and take whatever action is appropriate. You've got good instincts... trust what they tell you.
portcitykitty Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I'm going through something very similar to yours, and it sucks. I've been seeing this guy for 9 months, and supposedly we're exclusive as well, but we act more like acquaintances. We call each other a couple times a week to "check on each other," cuz we hadn't heard from the other in X number of days and wanted to make sure everything's okay. Our conversations usually last no more than 2 minutes. We saw and talked to each other more back then before we exchanged phone numbers than we do now! (He worked for an auto repair shop, and I delivered parts to his shop.) He's a busy guy with his job and life and hardly has any time for me. I'm lucky if I see him for a couple hours every 2-3 weeks! I try to distract myself and stay busy, but no matter how busy I get, he's still on my mind all the time. He showed his interest in me and pursued me for months prior to hanging out, wanted to take me out soooo bad, and finally one day I gave in. It was great at first, we went out a few times, he initiated a lot of the going out, but it seemed to have dropped off significantly after the first month or 2. We've been intimate, and the chemistry between us is off the chain! I enjoy being with him sooooooooo much, and he seems to act the same (when we're together). We agreed to take things slow at first, due to both our past relationships, but come on, this is TOO slow! I don't know if these guys get an ego boost by being the one in control of things or what, but it sucks. We women have our needs, you know! I don't want to let this guy go either because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's a great guy and all, I just wish we could do more things together as a couple. He needs to step up his game. I have faith that this guy doesn't live a "double life"...he's always seemed pretty honest with me. I sometimes wonder if he's a commitment phobe. I wouldn't automatically assume yours is over...try talking to him somemore and lay your cards on the table. That's what I plan to do with my guy the next time we get together. Good luck with yours!
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