used2bspunky Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 So how long did it take you, after your breakup, to finally "accept" that it was over? I woke up this morning, after another difficult day at work, crying on my way home, going on 2+ weeks now since it's been "over".. and just feel like oh well. Not sure if my medication is masking anything, but... after thinking about things, I realize I did nothing wrong at all. I can go away from this with my dignity still in tact (aside from several needy episodes at the end when I got desperate, but he seemed to have an excuse for me.. said I was acting that way because I need to be alone.) So I am alone now - in my new townhouse, both of our divorces are now final from our ex-spouses... and it should be a new life for me. Instead, I spend my days and nights, miserable. Physically sick all the time, I've lost a lot of weight (I'm a little overweight to begin with so that part is welcomed), but the mental and physical sickness I feel, seems not worth it. My medication is now making me jittery.. going to drop down my dosage.. but think about that. Right?? I'm letting this eat me alive. You know the timing was not good for us - we shouldn't have jumped in so fast and what do I really lose without him.. I still have myself, still have my children. The thing is, I didn't really have myself because I think I gave too much of it to him. I think i'm finally in that "Acceptance" stage of grief.
Intergalactic Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 i think i finally accepted when he told me that it wasn't about changing myself completely, that whatever had been there for him in the beginning just wasn't there anymore. that he wasn't interested in being in a relationship with me, or anyone else, for a long time. that we were young and it had been a good run but things end, and new things will begin. i still wake up a few times during the night and i still feel sick when thinking about it too much, or when thinking of memories etc, but it's not so bad anymore. i'm not vomitting or crying all the time. it's helped that i've decided to get out of the same city as him, and cut off the contact until i feel i'm over him. he's expressed a lot of interest in keeping a friendship, and a lot of love for me on a platonic level and sometimes romantic love just turns into platonic love and that's all there is to it. the final thing that is helping me accept this break up is knowing that i want to be with someone who wants me, and he doesn't anymore. if he did, he'd be with me. if i somehow guilted him into being with me through my begging and crying (which i did a lot of), it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't last. i know i will love again, and i just have to take this in stride and start over.
ahhhchooo Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I'm at more or less 7 weeks since break up. Probably about the last week I've really been accepting it. There's still desperate things I'm dying to say to her, that I know I'm the only one that can make her happy and she's going to regret making a mistake if she goes without me - but I'm not going to say them. At least not at this point in time. I'm starting to feel real anger and resentment toward her. We never had any snags. She just couldn't control herself around this guy who was *oh so sexy*. She's miserable but she's not coming back. She knows I'd never put her through a day of misery, that I love and care for her like noone else ever will. It doesn't make a difference. I really regret telling her I'd "always be there for her", especially since I know now she misses me.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Intergalactic - You reminded me of something.. that this breakup is the first breakup that didn't end because of the guy cheating on me. It ended because of bad timing.. we both care about each other a whole lot. This is also the first guy who hasn't said (in the end) - "you are a great person and attractive.. you are going to make someone very happy.." The others actually said that to me, and this one - just didn't respond at all to my final text saying "goodbye" "I'll always love you" "take care of yourself" and "ill miss you". How does one just ignore a text like that?? Does he really despise me afterall?? Ahhhchooo - Like you I feel like I shouldnt' say anything at this point. I've said enough I think.. I just sort of want to disappear into the woodwork, honestly.. I'm embarrassed in a way that I was so needy in the end and the gushing "I love yous"... You mentioned you know she misses you -- how did you hear that. Did she text you or someone mention it? I wonder if could forget about me so easily after 2.5 years.. seems impossible, but who knows?
Intergalactic Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Intergalactic - You reminded me of something.. that this breakup is the first breakup that didn't end because of the guy cheating on me. It ended because of bad timing.. we both care about each other a whole lot. This is also the first guy who hasn't said (in the end) - "you are a great person and attractive.. you are going to make someone very happy.." The others actually said that to me, and this one - just didn't respond at all to my final text saying "goodbye" "I'll always love you" "take care of yourself" and "ill miss you". How does one just ignore a text like that?? Does he really despise me afterall?? maybe he got the text and didn't know how to respond. maybe he felt that saying "i love you too" (meaning i love you, you're a great person, but i don't want to be with you) or "i miss you" (meaning, i miss you, but i do not want to try again) would just confuse you, but saying "don't text me" is too hurtful. perhaps he thought it best to just ignore it, hoping it would help you move on. just because he didn't say he thought you were great or attractive doesn't mean he didn't think it, by the way. he dated you for that long for a reason, maybe it still hurts him to think of you being with someone else. just try and accept this decision gratefully, go NC for a while and then see if conversation strikes up again if it suits you. you never know what the future holds but it is dangerous to hold hope for the here and now.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 just try and accept this decision gratefully, go NC for a while and then see if conversation strikes up again if it suits you. you never know what the future holds but it is dangerous to hold hope for the here and now. Yes, that is certainly how I am feeling at this point. I feel like I have been chopped at the knees, not functioning.. For goodness sake, I have two beautiful children I need to take care of, I'm now divorced, alone, making a great living...all without the support of family (they are all deceased). I feel like I've had to take on alot, and this is one area I have control over - to move on with some dignity. You might be right that it is better to leave things unsaid, and that's probably what he was thinking. He is a stubborn guy with a whole lot of pride, and I'm really not sure he would break down to contact me ever again, even to just say hello. He'd be afraid of opening something up. At one point those last few days, I said that he texts me because he is thinking of me (obviously).. telling me he is hearing a song at the bar (one of our songs), says, "how are you.." His response was very defensive - "I say hi to a lot of people, ok forget it - I won't do it anymore." Geesh. I am not holding on to anything at this point - other than the memory of our great times together. He invited me into his life, his home, his heart and his closest friends' lives... all after he split from his wife. This isn't something I should take lightly.. He obviously cared about me. I can put that in my pocket and move on. Sad - but I can do it.
ahhhchooo Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 spunky I also got the ignorage on the "final" mushy texts. You're sending him stuff he can't respond to for fear of raising your hopes, IMO, I don't know that much about your situation but it was the case in mine. I know she misses me because she tells me she desperately needs me as a friend, etc, that she wants to keep a wonderful memory of our relationship. I turned her down (she most certainly does not deserve my friendship, anymore).
celinedion1 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I accepted that it was over when he told me that he was back east with his internet girlfriend and that after 3 days, that shes his new best friend, and that she's his happiness.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 I survived yesterday without a tear, and really starting to look forward. I accept the fact that he no longer wanted to be with me. I miss him a whole lot, but the reality is - I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me, who enjoys my company and adores me like I adore him. We had that for a bit of time, nothing changed on my part - only him. I'm battling the mirror these days it seems though - I look in it and I no longer think I look pretty or cute..I see a very worn down unattractive girl with a long sad face. When I was with him I felt I had the love of my life on my side, even when he wasn't with me, I just had that glow and sparkle in my eye and people used to say how happy I looked. Truly, I had not been that happy in 12 years. I never had that with my own husband reasons why I filed for divorce. But I want to feel pretty again. I hope this is normal and just a phase. Anyone else go through something similar after the breakup?
sedgwick Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 If you're at the acceptance stage after two weeks, I'm jealous of you. Yes, I feel absolutely unattractive. Haven't felt pretty in a very long time (about 14 months now.) Haven't found anyone else attractive either. I don't know if I'll ever experience either again.
Author used2bspunky Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 If you're at the acceptance stage after two weeks, I'm jealous of you. Yes, I feel absolutely unattractive. Haven't felt pretty in a very long time (about 14 months now.) Haven't found anyone else attractive either. I don't know if I'll ever experience either again. Well don't say THAT?!!! I am sure we will all find "it" again.. but i hear you.. This guy I had, was all I had ever looked for, was attracted to, but I could never have. He is a former college football player, and I am not thin. Guys like him, in shape, good looking, always seem to go for the beautiful svelte girls.. Although I think I'm "pretty", cute, been called.. he even called me beautiful many times.. we definitely had chemistry. Chemistry like I have never had before with anyone. When I was with him it just felt "right", like "home" to me.. and as if it was meant to be. I am having a hard time thinking that I will have another man who had all those strong qualities and still find me that attractive too. I feel like I blew it and that saddens me.
EmperorR Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I'll never Love like that again whenever I will get close to another woman I will think she's just using me until she can find someone better. I feel like inwasted the last three years of my life with someone n it meant nothing to them
ahhhchooo Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I'll never Love like that again whenever I will get close to another woman I will think she's just using me until she can find someone better. I feel like inwasted the last three years of my life with someone n it meant nothing to them Meh, I've said that before. I was very cautious handing my heart out again. But in the end if someone manages to extract enough trust from you, it just feels right to give in to love. I don't doubt that I'll love, or be heartbroken again in the future.
Intergalactic Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Meh, I've said that before. I was very cautious handing my heart out again. But in the end if someone manages to extract enough trust from you, it just feels right to give in to love. I don't doubt that I'll love, or be heartbroken again in the future. absolutely agreed. before the (now) ex, i thought i'd never love again. then i found him, and it was so good that i didn't even question it. i'm sure when someone else comes along who feels like the right "fit", i'll do the same. i am accepting that this is all part of life, and to be honest, i don't really want to miss out on these parts of life. it's all a learning experience. as for feeling unattractive, do something new! get a hair cut, or do something wild like get a piercing your partner never wanted you to get or buy a new dress or something. it will help, you can do things for you now, without consulting anyone else!
9Lives Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 i think i finally accepted when he told me that it wasn't about changing myself completely, that whatever had been there for him in the beginning just wasn't there anymore. that he wasn't interested in being in a relationship with me, or anyone else, for a long time. that we were young and it had been a good run but things end, and new things will begin. i still wake up a few times during the night and i still feel sick when thinking about it too much, or when thinking of memories etc, but it's not so bad anymore. i'm not vomitting or crying all the time. it's helped that i've decided to get out of the same city as him, and cut off the contact until i feel i'm over him. he's expressed a lot of interest in keeping a friendship, and a lot of love for me on a platonic level and sometimes romantic love just turns into platonic love and that's all there is to it. the final thing that is helping me accept this break up is knowing that i want to be with someone who wants me, and he doesn't anymore. if he did, he'd be with me. if i somehow guilted him into being with me through my begging and crying (which i did a lot of), it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't last. i know i will love again, and i just have to take this in stride and start over. this was so good. You did the right thing. My bf just broke up with me and I was crying and all that. I wrote him this letter and put it on his door and then turned around and took it back because it would have guilted him back. Not good. Another important thing you said is you want someone who wants you too, not just one sided. That is WHY you have to accept it is over. Knowing the why should give you strength to move on.....My why is I want a loving, fulfilling relationship. I cant get that here. I love him but I dont like the way he treats me even though it is hard to let go. I got to make that move Good for you. It is people like u that make life better again
9Lives Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Intergalactic - I wonder if could forget about me so easily after 2.5 years.. seems impossible, but who knows? if you had a decent relationship and it didnt work out...you cant just forget about that person. Life is not like that
EmperorR Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Meh, I've said that before. I was very cautious handing my heart out again. But in the end if someone manages to extract enough trust from you, it just feels right to give in to love. I don't doubt that I'll love, or be heartbroken again in the future. Is it rude or mean to say, that i'll never love anyone like i loved her again, and if she never comes back and it wasn't meant to be, ill just marry someone so i won't be alone but won't feel anything towards them
miami45uconn Posted September 23, 2008 Posted September 23, 2008 Its been about 10 months since i was thrown away...I Transferred to a college in FL(We lived in VA) and i still think of her everyday. I cant tell if i have accepted it or not. Its kind of wierd for me to understand because i dont even know if she still exists. If your accepting something within weeks...god is lending an early hand. I guess it could depend how long you were together...we were together 2.5 years. Good luck...hopefully you and the devil wont become to aquainted ;-)
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