carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Everyone's wired up differently, but, I can can say with confidence that, after 3 months, I felt "different" but figured all loves are different and I shouldn't compare and proceeded. After 8 years of marriage, I can say that my logic and analysis of my emotion at that time was flawed. After 3 months of assumably constant contact and sexual relations, you should know and believe you are "in love" or not, IMO. Now, "in love" doesn't mean "let's get married and live the rest of our lives together" as that is a completely different can of worms. To me it means one relishes contact and sharing with the other and feels emotionally compelled to be with them and offer oneself to them. You've heard the traditional male viewpoint regarding "change". I'll give you the evolved one. Being in love inspires a man to grow and change, for himself. Meeting his partner's needs gives him great joy and he is sensitive to and will alter certain behaviors to please his partner. Of course, the same inspiration should be present in his woman. If it isn't, and "change" is one-way, resentment will build. Ah, that's where I am now. Evolutionary disfunction
flc Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Is there something in your kissing that may make it less enjoyable for him? I know that that I have found some women that are just not very good at it. They push too hard, they tongue too much and it just becomes an exercise in trying to breath. On the other hand I have found other women with whom I could spend hours kissing and it was as enjoyable as the sex. Just like sex, technique can make a difference, talk about it and see if there is an issue.
Author jen's mind Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Everyone's wired up differently, but, I can can say with confidence that, after 3 months, I felt "different" but figured all loves are different and I shouldn't compare and proceeded. After 8 years of marriage, I can say that my logic and analysis of my emotion at that time was flawed. After 3 months of assumably constant contact and sexual relations, you should know and believe you are "in love" or not, IMO. Now, "in love" doesn't mean "let's get married and live the rest of our lives together" as that is a completely different can of worms. To me it means one relishes contact and sharing with the other and feels emotionally compelled to be with them and offer oneself to them. You've heard the traditional male viewpoint regarding "change". I'll give you the evolved one. Being in love inspires a man to grow and change, for himself. Meeting his partner's needs gives him great joy and he is sensitive to and will alter certain behaviors to please his partner. Of course, the same inspiration should be present in his woman. If it isn't, and "change" is one-way, resentment will build. Ah, that's where I am now. Evolutionary disfunction This is extremely helpful insight, Carhill. I will admit that I am making a very conscious effort to be cautious and take things slowly. I do not want to repeat my mistakes of the past in which, I believe, I fell too hard too fast. One relishes contact and sharing with the other and feels emotionally compelled to be with them and offer oneself to them. I think I found myself at this point and my mind kicked in and said "Oh no you don't!" and started analyzing the red flags.
Author jen's mind Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Is there something in your kissing that may make it less enjoyable for him? I know that that I have found some women that are just not very good at it. No. I'm not inclined to extol my goddess nature, but what can I say? I'm a great kisser and have been told so throughout my entire life. It's him. He's said so himself.
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I think I found myself at this point and my mind kicked in and said "Oh no you don't!" and started analyzing the red flags. This is the balance point where the chemistry of being in love collides with the realities of being in love and its confluence with one's history and one's future. IMO, this is healthy, though I would caution spending an unbalanced amount of time focusing on "red flags". Rather, look for balance. Mindful of the past, live and love in the here and now. Anticipate the future but be mindful of agonizing over it. Much to contemplate, this "being in love" stuff
Agoraphobianebula Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 This is the way he is and I commend you for not attempting to change him but to share your feelings instead. It is up to him to take your feelings into consideration and decide if maybe trying new things wouldn't be so bad afterall. I'm sure he probably doesn't know what he's missing by not kissing. We pick up new habits all the time and wonder why we never tried them in the first place. He may change, he may not change but you have to operate on the assumption that he won't. And you have to deal with him on that premise, Decide for yourself if no-kissing is something you can reasonably live with/overlook/make peace with, without breeding resentment. How high is it on your must have priority list?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 We are barely three months into this. Can we "make love" without yet knowing' date=' let alone establishing, that we're in love?[/quote'] Yeah, I agree with carhill. In all of my serious relationships, I have known within a few sexual encounters whether I was developing feelings of love, and to what degree they were intensifying. And not to belabor the point, but along with more kissing and signs of intimacy (after-sex pillow talk, increased affection, little tokens of fondness, etc.) came more feelings.
Author jen's mind Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 This is the balance point where the chemistry of being in love collides with the realities of being in love and its confluence with one's history and one's future. IMO, this is healthy, though I would caution spending an unbalanced amount of time focusing on "red flags". Rather, look for balance. Mindful of the past, live and love in the here and now. Anticipate the future but be mindful of agonizing over it. Much to contemplate, this "being in love" stuff Good grief, is there a webcam on my brain? Not exactly balanced in my thinking right now. Definitely focused on the red flags. It doesn't help that we're basically in a LDR, two and a half hours apart, and my recent visit was not that enjoyable. Red flags seemed to be waving in my face. Now I'm home alone, so there really is no here and now in the context of him. But I can't stop thinking about it all.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I'm not trying to be negative or alarmist, Jen, but the two-year relationship I just ended started off long-distance, too, and unfortunately, the depth of his problems with intimacy/closeness/commitment/whatever did not become clearly apparent to me until after he moved to my city at the end of 2007. In retrospect, I can see that it was PERFECT for a guy who struggled with intimacy and closeness to be in a LDR. We saw each other every few weeks for about four days, had a big old party, and then went our separate ways until the next visit. That feeling of something missing I had then I attributed mostly to the LD situation. To my disappointment, I realized a few months after he moved here, though he lived only a mile away from me, I still felt like I was in a long-distance relationship. He admitted to me that his fear of closeness/commitment had been a major factor in (if not the cause of) almost all of his previous relationships. I realize every situation is unique, and I really hope your relationship works out, but I just wanted to reiterate that I think acknowledging the warning signs and looking into them is very smart.
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 LDR's are very stressful IME, even for the most mature and balanced of us. I wish you well
Ruby Slippers Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 He admitted to me that his fear of closeness/commitment had been a major factor in (if not the cause of) almost all of his previous relationships. Sorry, I meant breakups. It wouldn't let me edit, for some reason.
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