Prettyinblack Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I ended it with my ex last November and what a difficult time it has been. We travel in the same circles and he trying to be my 'friend' although I told him years ago that exes are exes for a reason and I don't do friendship after a long term intimate relationship. One month ago, he tried to 'get' me through a mutual friend....didn't work. I made very clear boundaries after, during the break-up and he wasn't willing to 'do the work'..... So, I get an e-mail from him last night...here it is.... Hi T, Just wanted to say a hello, I thought I passed you today, but not sure. It was around 12:15 pm. I had just got off the 401. Hope you are doing well, think of you very often, anyway take care................ Marty After a sleepless night, I sent him off one this morning....here it is... I was surprised to hear from you, Marty. I thought that I had been clear that the only way I wanted to talk to you or have any contact with you was with a third party present and you haven't been willing to do that. That's ok! I spent the last 3 years of our relationship pining for you and hoping that you would get it together. Instead, I got pushed away and then got pulled back in... many times...other women, lies, crazy making sh**. I am not interested in doing that to myself anymore. It's too painful. I am not interested in a friendship either. Not now, not ever. If you are willing to talk to someone about why you have such a difficult time in a relationship, I am willing to do that. I don't think you are and that is OK....but I am not interested in a 'friendship'. T. What does he want? Friendship or is this a way of not feeling guilty? Or does her want to reconcile? God, I am so confused......I was doing ok but have been a mess all day. WHat do you guys think?
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Not knowing the details of why you broke up with him, it's hard to say. But the part of your email that said the stuff about the other women, lies, crazy-making... that indicates he jerked you around, and maybe that's what he's doing now... sniffing around to see if he can jerk you around some more. I don't know, I'm totally biased, my recent ex jerked me around, and that's all I see nowadays.... just my 2 cents...
Geishawhelk Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 What does he want? Friendship or is this a way of not feeling guilty? Or does her want to reconcile? God, I am so confused......I was doing ok but have been a mess all day. WHat do you guys think? I think you're obviously having as hard a time of letting go as he is. May I be frank? I think you're being unnecessarily harsh. Why? Because the more you strive to keep him at arm's length, and cultivate a hostile, indifferent and uncaring, callous attitude towards him, the more you embrace the essence of what he meant to you; in your hostility, you cleave to him as much as you embraced him to you when you loved him. The trick, if I may be so bold, is to Let Go. Be friendly, but distant. Be kind, but indifferent. Wish him well, but give him no hopes. Treat him as you would any acquaintance, and have the confidence in yourself to be strong enough to be your own independent, strong, and self-assured person. He may deeply come to regret having treated you so disdainfully, and wish he were still with you. But you will be both strong enough to ignore that, and gentle enough to let him be the human - complete with mistakes - that at times, we all are.
CaliGuy Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I think you're obviously having as hard a time of letting go as he is. May I be frank? I think you're being unnecessarily harsh. Why? Because the more you strive to keep him at arm's length, and cultivate a hostile, indifferent and uncaring, callous attitude towards him, the more you embrace the essence of what he meant to you; in your hostility, you cleave to him as much as you embraced him to you when you loved him. The trick, if I may be so bold, is to Let Go. Be friendly, but distant. Be kind, but indifferent. Wish him well, but give him no hopes. Treat him as you would any acquaintance, and have the confidence in yourself to be strong enough to be your own independent, strong, and self-assured person. He may deeply come to regret having treated you so disdainfully, and wish he were still with you. But you will be both strong enough to ignore that, and gentle enough to let him be the human - complete with mistakes - that at times, we all are. This and just ignoring his emails will get the message across. You don't have to be angry with him. All you have to do is let pure silence from you do all the work.
daphne Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 wow. Geisha walk took the words out of my mouth. I kid. I will say, it was good timing for me, however. I was getting angry at my ex again for being "human," or a douchebag.
Author Prettyinblack Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 I just canèt seem to be indifferent...I am still so angry at him. And, I still love him. I agree that I am being harsh but he always seems to slip in the backdoor and I donèt want that. He never has made a full committment in 6 years and I canèt take any more of the back and forth. I want it all or none of it! And, he prides himself on being friends with his exes but I donèt want to become part of that social circle. That is why I drew the line in the sand. I wish I knew how to do it different, but I cant seem to.
badnewsbeers Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Holding onto the anger only prolongs how you feel though, or at least in my experience. I've no idea how, but I think somehow you need to get to a place where you can forgive him and then finally let go of it, much like everyone else has said. In my case it was just the realization that yes my ex made mistakes, but so did I, and in the end she's only human. The decision to forgive her was not her but for me, and once I did that I felt much better. Incidentally, the 401? Another Canadian on the boards?
Geishawhelk Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I just canèt seem to be indifferent...I am still so angry at him. And, I still love him. I agree that I am being harsh but he always seems to slip in the backdoor and I donèt want that. He never has made a full committment in 6 years and I canèt take any more of the back and forth. I want it all or none of it! And, he prides himself on being friends with his exes but I donèt want to become part of that social circle. That is why I drew the line in the sand. I wish I knew how to do it different, but I cant seem to. Again, I'm going to sound harsh.... "I wish I knew how to do it different, but I can't seem to." That's it right there. That, and this bit: I am still so angry at him. And, I still love him. Until you learn to let go, you will be imprisoned. By YOUR OWN emotional attachment. Believe it or not, he has nothing to do with this. If he has remained friends with other ex-es, then he's not the one with the issue, is he? This is YOUR problem. YOUR attitude. And you - and only you - can provide the solution. But you know what? You don't really want to. Why? Because playing these games is keeping you connected, because - as you admit - you still love him. And a hostile connection, where you seem to be pulling all the strings, is better than no connection at all, isn't it? I say 'seem' to be pulling all the strings, because you think you're controlling yourself, and that you're in charge of you. But in fact, in your first post, you admit that it left you all dazed and confused. So, to an extent, you are permitting yourself to be influenced by outside factors - and you're going along with it. It's fun (oh, yes it is! in a peverse way, it's keeping you on your toes!) It's a form of excitement, and it's keeping you holding on to him. The bottom line is: What do you really want? Then deal with it. Because only you can.
Author Prettyinblack Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 I know what you are saying....I agree. However, I do not seek him out. I avoid going where he goes. I am fine with my life as it stands and am trying to heal. It feels like a scab puleed off a wound thats trying to heal whenever he resurfaces. The anger part, well...there are a few extenuating circumstances....he gave me Herpes through one of these infidelities. I donèt want to be nice to him. He denied giving it to me! I hadnèt been with anyone else in 7 years!!!! I know I got Herpes from him. And you want to talk about perverse.....I still love him. I feel like I have taken steps back this week. I have been dating. I have been making great moves in my career. I have been living my life. I just feel such pain when I see him and I am dealing with it the best way I know how...being friends with him would just intensify it for me. I would just prefer he leave me alone all together. I think the hardest part for me is it seems like he can turn a switch on and off. He has committment issues and after being together for 6 years and the last 3, struggling through the committment stuff, he instead gets a diversion and starts chasing skirts and being mean to me. I just find that being hostile keeps him away and then i donèt have to have him in my face. I just want him to leave town or something...lol.... Yes, I am from Toronto.
Geishawhelk Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 Please don't think I'm being unsympathetic or uncaring. Actually, I care a lot for you, because I know from experience how easy it is to keep on hurting. But please believe me when I tell you that - even if it takes auto-suggestion, or auto-hypnosis - you can 'train' your mind to turn off him, release yourself, give yourself permission to move on, and heal. "Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured". Whilst you harbour any excess and inexplicable affection for him, and permit it to take root (or continue growing) letting go and getting over it, is going to be impossible. I would perhaps suggest you might like to consider counselling, and finding why exactly you cling to this guy (and he does sound a bit of a worm, doesn't he?) and how best then, to shake him off once and for all. I wish you peace.
0hpenelope Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I think it means that you need to maintain your silence.
Recommended Posts