Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Just wondering. When in a marriage does it get to be enough's enough? Can you leave and still love the other person? Should you always try one more time even if you've tried till your blue in the face? Simple questions although I think the answer is probably pretty tough.
confusedinkansas Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 As my counselor said........You go with your gut. You will know when it's enough - even if you are still in love. Your gut will tell you. What is it that you have "had enough of"?
GettingThere Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I knew for years that I should move on but it really did take years and years until I reached the enough is enough point - even when I did and we've been apart for 8 months and both have new partners (clearly enough was enough a long time ago) I still love him and I am still sad that we couldn't make it work and we gave it hundreds of one last tries...
Author Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I guess I've had enough of seeming to be the only one that's trying in our relationship. That I try to communicate what's wrong and she just doesn't get it. She says she does or she didn't know it was so bad. I'm like I've been telling you for years, why haven't you been listening? Hell, I'm telling you now and nothing changes. That's the hard part. Her actions continue to disprove what she's telling me. When you've tried over and over is it worth it anymore?
GettingThere Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Have you tried going to MC together? It may be with an independant party there she will hear you and maybe she'll open up herself too?
grogster Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 People hang on long after they should leave. That's not necessarily a bad thing. In my case, I was miserable for 5-7 years before I left. Especially when kids are involved, you don't leave unless you're absolutely, positively certain that the marriage is over, your mental health is in ruin and nothing will ever restore the status quo ante. Even then, I know of at least one 50-something guy who went back to his marriage after a 6 year break. For him, the grass was not greener on the other side.
Author Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 We've talked about going to a marriage counselor but have not made it yet. She has no problem telling me what's wrong in the relationship and I've tried to change what I can and talk about the rest. You know to be a better partner you have to be willing to see yourself as they do. Change things that aren't healthy for the relationship. I thought if I tried to work on it first she would come around and start listening to me. Even with divorce looming over our head she still seems to treat everything outside of our relationship as more important with no thought or effort put into making me happy in the relationship. It makes all her promises of understanding fly out the window when she says she gets it but her actions continue to be the same as they always were. I'm not looking for change over night just a growing awareness of out relationship. It seems to be just her that refuses to work on anything I want.
Author Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks for all these answers, they help me realize I'm not the only one going through this.
GettingThere Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I think you should really let your wife know how important it is to go see MC - book appointment and go - don't talk about it any more...
Author Biggie25x Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 That's one of the things I'm struggling with. I'm at the point that I don't know if I want to try anymore. I'm just seem to be at the end of my endurance. Part of me is really attracted to life outside our marriage now. I've had no choice but to make decisions on my own because she doesn't want to be included in them. And when she is she talks a good talk but she never get's on the road to start the walk. I guess I can sum it up this way: I always used to judge my relationship by who I picture myself with when I'm an old old man. Ever since I got involved with my wife it's been her I picture. I don't anymore. We both have been hurt by this relationship and I feel I'm not a better person in it. Can that be fixed? Is it worth fixing?
Patience08 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Bibbie, My xH once told me exactly what you just wrote. When he looked into his future, he didn't see us old and together. He didn't see himself with me. It hurt. The truth always hurts. And I for a very long time felt like I had everything, but I had nothing. I had all the luxuries of a beautiful home, 2 beautiful healthy children, but I was lonely. I don't think there is anything lonelier then being married and feeling lonely. I've been in both places and I'd rather be single and lonely. I felt something was missing too, for a very long time and I couldn't change it alone. We lost something and we just couldn't get it back. I've been divorced for a long time...but, I remember your pain very well. If she won't go to joint counseling with you. Go alone, soul search...you will find your answer. Peace
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