carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I see such revelations as a challenge by both the tone and content. He was challenging you to reassure him, and, by doing so, keeping your emotions engaged. IMO, it's a mind game. In a healthy relationship, each gives and shares their love and happiness with the other. Reassurance is subliminal. Do you feel you adequately showed him your love for him in words and actions? How does this conflict with his expressed perception?
jen's mind Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I see such revelations as a challenge by both the tone and content. He was challenging you to reassure him, and, by doing so, keeping your emotions engaged. IMO, it's a mind game. In a healthy relationship, each gives and shares their love and happiness with the other. Reassurance is subliminal. Do you feel you adequately showed him your love for him in words and actions? How does this conflict with his expressed perception? I agree that this was a way of keeping you engaged and that it is a mind game, regardless of what it literally means to him ("You don't love me" or "I don't love you.") Jeez, I can only imagine having that statement reverberating in my head... I'd be obsessing, too.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Thanks for that clarification. Okay then, he did play mind games. He only said these things toward the end of the relationship, which is funny, because that is exactly the point by which he should have felt extremely secure. And when I called him on it, which of course I did everytime he said it -- i.e., "What can I do to convince you that I do love you?" he couldn't come up with an answer. In fact, I think there probably were things I could have done. I was relying on him heavily for support with a personal problem I was having at that point, so I really do wonder if I could have been more present for the relationship (this has been part of my obsessing too), but the bottom line is that I always told him I loved him and I believe he knows (because he says he knows) that if he needed something that he was not getting, I would have bent over backwards to give it to him, had he only been able to tell me what that was. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I think he has major commitment issues and once he realized how deep in he was, he was subconsciously looking for a way out.
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 "What can I do to convince you that I do love you?" he couldn't come up with an answer. Thanks for that and good on you for being direct. I'll show you the difference. If my wife had or would have asked me that question, I would say, without hesitation "please don't ignore me and treat me like I'm some tool in a toolbox; I'm a human being with all the same dreams, desires and feelings you have". If you heard something like that, would it make sense to you? I'm not saying this is your dynamic, but rather I wish to understand whether such words have meaning. I do talk a lot about emotional issues but I still tend to use "guy talk", hence the toolbox reference
Meaplus3 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Well, okay, I am not going to send a mean email telling him how much he hurt me, but why can't I send him the picture I took for him? I wouldn't ask for a response, or even expect one at all. But here is my complaint about total NC: I feel as though I have let him succeed in erasing me from his life. That gives him too much power. NC! NC gives YOU the power to move on. With LC. there is still a connection and IMO.. it's harder to move past the relationship. Stick with NC.. You can do it. Best of luck. AP:)
Shygirl15 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Well, Eye, I think the point here is that none of this should be about him. He left you. Period. You should be thinking about yourself only. You should not focus one iota on how your actions affect or do not affect him. He is irrelevant. You are now the only one who matters. lol..Eye that was funny. Good you still have your sense of humor intact after all this. Please do NOT contact him. I know you feel the urge; been there before. Only yesterday I had this EXTREME urge to contact my ex, (who didn't bother to answer or return my phone call when I called him about 3 weeks ago, BTW) but I didn't. Today is a new day. All the best! PS: Looks like you abandoned the Dating Forum soon after your controversial thread of http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161303/, what's up? We miss you down there :laugh:
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Thanks shygirl -- I am not contacting him! Whenever I feel the urge I am going to RUN for support. Yeah it was funny how much that thread stirred people up. I will go back and report on what happened when I have more time. I have definitely not abandoned dating or the dating forum! I have a date tonight, actually. Wish me a magical love match!
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Thanks for that and good on you for being direct. I'll show you the difference. If my wife had or would have asked me that question, I would say, without hesitation "please don't ignore me and treat me like I'm some tool in a toolbox; I'm a human being with all the same dreams, desires and feelings you have". If you heard something like that, would it make sense to you? I'm not saying this is your dynamic, but rather I wish to understand whether such words have meaning. I do talk a lot about emotional issues but I still tend to use "guy talk", hence the toolbox reference YES Carhill. I would understand that perfectly! I wish so much that he had said something like that if he felt like that. Although I don't believe that I ever, ever ignored him. He was a contractor so the "toolbox" reference is highly appropriate. Also he used to talk in metaphors like that all the time. Funny. The only thing I would suggest to you in your phrasing is to start by saying "I feel ignored," rather than, "Please don't ignore me." I think it's maybe less natural and more passive to phrase it than way, but I also think it is powerful for a woman to hear it that way from a guy because it immediately focusses her attention on the fact that the guy is expressing his feelings rather than jumping immediately onto the person's behavior. Then when you get to the behavior, as much as possible just give unemotional data: This happened, this happened, and this happened, hence I feel ignored. Thank you for letting a little more light in on what I am dealing with here. I am starting to think now that he left because he could not deal with my higher level of emotional development
carhill Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 The only thing I would suggest to you in your phrasing is to start by saying "I feel ignored," rather than, "Please don't ignore me." Nice mirror. Thanks I have tried it both ways but will be more sensitive to the response.
9Lives Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 I posted a thread yesterday about NC and breaking it. I broke the NC I instilled because after a bunch of lame texts from him hinting toward getting together, he sent one with good news that was very important to him. So I answered that one, congratulating him. I felt fine about it. I struggled a bit with feelings of wanting to meetup to celebrate his hard work. But I didn't suggest it. (there's also a big background regarding respect in our relationship, and his tricky manipulative ways, and I was wondering if he was using his good news to get to me) Anyway, I felt good about his success, good about congratulating him, good about not suggesting we meetup. That was last night. But then this morning I felt angry. He treated me poorly and I turned around and was kind to him. That's not right! What does he think about that? Some suggest it continues his ability to disrespect me. And honestly, right now I do feel a little disrespected, although congratulating him, at the moment, felt right. My point in relaying all of this to you is mostly about time. And how you'll feel after you do/say certain things to someone that has hurt you. That's why I asked why you feel the need to send the pic to him right NOW. The pic isn't going anywhere. It can be sent anytime. He knows how you really feel and that you haven't forgotten him, and a pic isn't going to make him suddenly realize his "mistake" and come right back to you. It might make him feel guilty, it might make him feel sad, it might make him think you are ok with being friends. It's true, we aren't supposed to focus on what they think, it's our time to focus on ourselves. I'm beginning to ramble. This is a very confusing time for you, and right now you seem to be at that place where you're grasping, hoping, thinking of ways to make him realize you should be back together. I don't think anything about that can be done, only he can come to that conclusion all on his own, best done with no influence from you. Only then would it be real, not driven by guilt, lonliness, doubt... but driven from a true appreciation of what you had together as a couple. Does any of that make sense? thiis is perfect advice....sending the pic is manipulation little. let him come on his own. no help from you
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