Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Well, okay, I am not going to send a mean email telling him how much he hurt me, but why can't I send him the picture I took for him? I wouldn't ask for a response, or even expect one at all. But here is my complaint about total NC: I feel as though I have let him succeed in erasing me from his life. That gives him too much power.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 On the other hand, he did not want to cut contact with me, he wanted to "stay friends," so how would I be giving him power by cutting contact and not staying friends? Because I would be letting him forget all about me! He shouldn't be allowed to do that! (I love these little conversations with myself )
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 If I act post-breakup as though I am too busy to be bothered with thinking about him or staying friends with him, that will just prove that he was right all along when he was feeling as if I was too absorbed with my own stuff and did not care enough about him.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Well, Eye, I think the point here is that none of this should be about him. He left you. Period. You should be thinking about yourself only. You should not focus one iota on how your actions affect or do not affect him. He is irrelevant. You are now the only one who matters.
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 NC is supposed to be allowing yourself to move on from him... removing him from your present, giving yourself time and space to settle the past within yourself and move into the future without him. A side effect of NC is supposed to be that he has nothing to do but miss you and perhaps question why he isn't with you anymore. Remaining in contact, "friends," doesn't give him the space to really miss you.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Ahhhh . . . Thank you Eye, But if I am the only one who matters, then why can't I send him the @#$%^ picture, if I want to send it?
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Well, Eye, I think the point here is that none of this should be about him. He left you. Period. You should be thinking about yourself only. You should not focus one iota on how your actions affect or do not affect him. He is irrelevant. You are now the only one who matters. Eye, read this post by Eye, she makes a good point! hahaha -- I've written to myself on a post here too... if no one else will, well, SOMEONE has to do it!
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Ahhhh . . . Thank you Eye, But if I am the only one who matters, then why can't I send him the @#$%^ picture, if I want to send it? Why do you want to send it? Deep down, what are ALL the reasons for sending it right now?
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Thank you Megapositive. I'm glad someone else is in the room with me. I was starting to go a little bonkers there. As you can see from my rambling, I don't trust him to miss me, and don't seem to be clearing him out from my mind one bit. NC doesn't seem to clear him out. I feel a bit hopeless about clearing him out. Also, he was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't want to lose the good memories, so I guess truly I am resisting clearing him out. I didn't have one of those breakups that gives you time to fight and see dark sides. It was too sudden. I feel like it isn't finished and I don't know how to finish it for myself without him being involved. That's really the problem.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 "Why do you want to send it? Deep down, what are ALL the reasons for sending it right now?" That is really the question, isn't it? Thank you for helping me focus: I want to send it to remind him of me. I want him to see it and know that I have not forgotten him. I want to give him a reminder of how good we were, and I want to keep the door open for contact by him down the line, if he wishes to make contact.
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I don't want to lose the good memories, so I guess truly I am resisting clearing him out. ... I feel like it isn't finished and I don't know how to finish it for myself without him being involved. That's really the problem. I understand, I really do. That's why people suggest NC. He can't give you anything satisfying that will finish this or allow you to clear him out without a ton of unhappy, sad feelings. After a while anger does set it, it's the next step in the healing process. Hang on... I've got to get the phone, but I have more to say on this...
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I posted a thread yesterday about NC and breaking it. I broke the NC I instilled because after a bunch of lame texts from him hinting toward getting together, he sent one with good news that was very important to him. So I answered that one, congratulating him. I felt fine about it. I struggled a bit with feelings of wanting to meetup to celebrate his hard work. But I didn't suggest it. (there's also a big background regarding respect in our relationship, and his tricky manipulative ways, and I was wondering if he was using his good news to get to me) Anyway, I felt good about his success, good about congratulating him, good about not suggesting we meetup. That was last night. But then this morning I felt angry. He treated me poorly and I turned around and was kind to him. That's not right! What does he think about that? Some suggest it continues his ability to disrespect me. And honestly, right now I do feel a little disrespected, although congratulating him, at the moment, felt right. My point in relaying all of this to you is mostly about time. And how you'll feel after you do/say certain things to someone that has hurt you. That's why I asked why you feel the need to send the pic to him right NOW. The pic isn't going anywhere. It can be sent anytime. He knows how you really feel and that you haven't forgotten him, and a pic isn't going to make him suddenly realize his "mistake" and come right back to you. It might make him feel guilty, it might make him feel sad, it might make him think you are ok with being friends. It's true, we aren't supposed to focus on what they think, it's our time to focus on ourselves. I'm beginning to ramble. This is a very confusing time for you, and right now you seem to be at that place where you're grasping, hoping, thinking of ways to make him realize you should be back together. I don't think anything about that can be done, only he can come to that conclusion all on his own, best done with no influence from you. Only then would it be real, not driven by guilt, lonliness, doubt... but driven from a true appreciation of what you had together as a couple. Does any of that make sense?
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Yes it does make sense. Thank you. The pic kind of is going to lose relevance, since it was of the full moon the other night. But really, I sent him a better pic recently anyway -- one I actually painted myself. So he doesn't need this picture to suddenly realize how artistically and romantically in tune we were. He already knows that and will probably always know that. You are right that I am grasping at straws. Also that I am very confused, first wanting to send him something romantic and then something angry, and then something light and friendly. I vacillate between regret over the fact that I have expressed virtually no anger toward him and self-respect over how awesome and cool I was during the breakup. I think he will remember the awesomeness for a long time to come. But I also regret not expressing anger at actions where anger really was warranted. I think he won't really respect me because I never expressed that justified anger. That was why my first impulse was to send the picture, but combine it with a message telling him how much he had hurt me.
audrey_1 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 But here is my complaint about total NC: I feel as though I have let him succeed in erasing me from his life. That gives him too much power. Yes, the balance of power also troubles me about NC. It is not in my nature to be passive to the point of complete communication breakdown when it comes to matters concerning my emotional well-being. But another way of looking at it is, we only truly have power over ourselves, so why not be dignified and leave something alone that causes emotional upheaval and just begin the path to healing? NC could be debated and debated. I vacillate between regret over the fact that I have expressed virtually no anger toward him and self-respect over how awesome and cool I was during the breakup. I think he will remember the awesomeness for a long time to come. But I also regret not expressing anger at actions where anger really was warranted. I think he won't really respect me because I never expressed that justified anger. That was why my first impulse was to send the picture, but combine it with a message telling him how much he had hurt me. I completely see your points here. If you could point out the things that angered you, and then let it go, then maybe it's worth it for peace of mind, and knowing you weren't a doormat, but then again, sometimes the person with the upper hand i.e., the "dumper," just sees that as weakness and has a good chuckle about it, since it comes after the fact. It reveals that you're still thinking about it, and that it still has a hold on you, ergo giving them the power. It's a Catch-22, really.
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 On the other hand, he did not want to cut contact with me, he wanted to "stay friends," so how would I be giving him power by cutting contact and not staying friends? You give him power by caring more. The person who cares the least has the most control (and power). Right now that's him. Could you really, sincerely, be platonic friends with him. Enjoy dinner at his house with he and his new wife? Think about that
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks Audrey - There is no 100% right answer on the anger thing, but I think, on balance, it is best left alone now. He has acknowledged to me that he did crappy things to me, and I have said, "Yes, you did. Now I have a choice either to be really, really angry with you or to try to be empathic and look at what happened from your side and try to understand it." Shouldn't that really be enough? And doesn't it really leave me in a stronger position? Because I know he is struggling with his behavior from the inside. If I go back and point it out to him further, just to clear my anger, it would give him a chance to get defensive. I don't know. What do you think?
audrey_1 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 He has acknowledged to me that he did crappy things to me, and I have said, "Yes, you did. Now I have a choice either to be really, really angry with you or to try to be empathic and look at what happened from your side and try to understand it." That was good. You confirmed that he did hurt you without flying off the handle. It is always good to maintain composure when you really want to lash out, but you let them know they hurt you and keep your dignity at the same time. That is always a good thing. A lot of guys expect us to break down into a crying jag and make asses of ourselves. Keeping cool says a lot about you, and your inner strength, i.e. your power. Good for you. Shouldn't that really be enough? And doesn't it really leave me in a stronger position? Yes and yes. Because I know he is struggling with his behavior from the inside. If I go back and point it out to him further, just to clear my anger, it would give him a chance to get defensive. True. Let him sort it out on his own, if he cares to. You be concerned with yourself and moving on. If there is LC, make sure you choose carefully what to respond to, if he contacts you at all. If he's fishing for responses, don't give in. You're not his "go to" person if he's not getting the attention he needs from others and is looking for a "quick fix." If it's something relevant and important, pick your battles. Don't be his doormat. If he doesn't want to be with you and give you 100%, you can't be bothered. I'm right there with you, struggling with this very thing myself.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Also it is probably a mistake for me to initiate light contact, if for no other reason that it would make me look schizo. When he said he wanted to be friends, and that our friendship was really, really important to him, I first said I didn't think I could do that. The next day I said I would do it because I loved him. A few days later I said again that it wouldn't work. Then a couple of weeks later I wrote to him and said I always wanted to be a friend to him. I have to forgive myself for that behavior since I was in such a total state of shock and was hurt so extremely badly. But the truth is that the very first thing I said to him, that I could not just be friends, was the truth, so trying to do it would not work, not for a very long time and possibly never. Also, at this point I think I have to go NC just to calm down from being a nutcase.
audrey_1 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Yes, I can also relate to the schizo behavior. It's tough, because I consider him one of my best friends, but he doesn't want a relationship, and I am wildly attracted to him, so any "friendly contact" we have drives me crazy. That is why, in my situation, I lean heavily toward total NC. You do have to forgive yourself for the behavior. There's no use worrying about it. Keep moving forward, and try and get healthy emotionally. Time without them really does help.
megapositive Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 It's not even really a matter of needing to forgive yourself. Every step we take teaches us something, and now you're at a place where you are realizing the significance NC could have for you. You weren't there before, now you are. You know, you are really doing quite well! I'm impressed with the dignity and honesty you've displayed. That shows incredible strength and character.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks so much guys. You are really helping me get out of a tough emotional spot here
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Why keep sending him stuff? He remembers you. NC will make him wonder about you and what you're doing and what you're thinking far more than continuing to contact him.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 "Why keep sending him stuff? He remembers you. NC will make him wonder about you and what you're doing and what you're thinking far more than continuing to contact him." I haven't believed this before now. I know that he is a person who deals with emotions by pushing them down and ignoring them for as long as possible, so even though I knew he still cared about me a lot, I figured he would forget all about me unless I sent little reminders. But now I see that if I need to send reminders to have him think of me, I am just pursuing a person who is not emotionally available. Also, I know that he does think of me, and that he considers our relationship to have been huge, not a trivial thing he would forget about, and having witnessed the way he operates emotionally, I am pretty sure that my silence and distance will in fact make him think of me more and not less. Pretty sure, but not positive. Out of sight, out of mind. And during the breakup, one thing he said more than once was that he felt unsure of my love. Therefore me pursuing him seemed like the way to go -- keep pursuing him until he is convinced that I love him more than anyone else ever could. I am such a confused person
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 during the breakup, one thing he said more than once was that he felt unsure of my love.Mind game to string you along. Sorry about that...
Author Eyeofthoth Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 I don't think he plays mind games at all carhill. I do think though that just about anybody would be capable of thinking, "I'm not sure you love me," as a sort of projection when deep down inside, they were really thinking, "I'm not sure I love you." Doesn't matter. I am going to stay the course. Next time I feel tempted, I will come pour out my feelings on LS instead. Go where the support is, right?
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