I Believe he is Cheating

[OhGeeAgain]

Hi all, I am new here. Here is the story: in 2006, my husband cheated on me. I can't say I ever got over that or that he ever helped me WITH that. he did cut off all contact with the Other woman but would never let me talk about it and would walk away from me, etc. I gave up on him and wanted out. I kept that part to myself. I knew immediately when he started seeing her as he changed.

 

Welp, lo and freaking behold, all the signs are there again: lately he has stopped doing things around the house, wanting to spend time with me, doing things with the kids, etc. One day last month he asked me to leave him, then told me to stay. Two nights ago he packed everything he had and told me he does not love me anymore, without a single tear in his eye. He told me 4 and a half hours later that he thinks he is depressed, didn't mean a word he said and that he does love me. This ONLY came after I looked at him and said "you know what, if you are leaving, go on and leave. I am not going to fight with you about it, do what you wish. I am not going to lay down and die for you". Well, he didn't like that and all the sudden loved me again. He denies that there is anyone else.

 

Also, last month, I found numbers for one bedroom apartments in his pants pocket and he also has a stash of townhomes and apartments in his glovebox. I have yet to tell him that "being depressed" doesn't usually make you question how you feel about others, but maybe I am wrong, maybe it does. Considering he has cheated on me in the past, I would think that in a heartbeat. He yelled at me and said he hated me, I DISGUST him, and everytime he leaves here- he keeps thinking about just not coming back.

 

Now- here is what makes me fully believe he is cheating:

I found a girly pen on the passenger side of his car. NO ONE uses his car, not even my kids and I had JUST cleaned his car two weeks prior, so unless he was driving from the passenger side and dropped it himself, it got there somehow.

He spends no personal time with me.

He is less interested in sex and can't "keep it up". He bought pills TO do this but they disappeared.

He is ALWAYS euphoric and happy walking in the door from work but crashes moments later

He is acting the same NOW as he did then, being touchy feeling- cannot question him without him getting mad, etc.

He is leaving for work 15 minutes earlier to have time to "set up" at work. He has worked there for over a year and never done this. Further, depressed people sleep in longer- NOT get up earlier.

He has a hidden email address that I cannot get into. I guess I should say he doesn't know I KNOW about it and its his work email addy.

And, the all the sudden "I dont love you" and I am going to leave you stuff that he pulled on me.

 

BUT, I CAN'T believe he is cheating because of this:

He gets up and goes to work and comes straight home. His paystubs that come in the mail SHOW me what time he clocked out. He comes home right after clocking out.

 

I have had to drop him off and pick him up from work several times ( he is using my car, his broke down) and he was fine with that.

 

He NEVER goes out. Ever. At all, without me. If he IS cheating, it is with someone at work.

 

He does not have a cell phone. HOWEVER, one night I SWORE I heard a cell phone ringing in this house. I couldn't locate it and figured out that it was outside. By the time I got near the sound, it stopped as this phone had been ringing for about an hour off and on. NO one here HAS a cell phone. YET, no money is coming out of his bank account to pay this if he does have a hidden cell.

 

I am sick and I have been with a chronic illness for years. We are in the middle of losing our home and as of yet do not have another place to go to. He cheated on me BEFORE when things got rough, so I do believe he could be staking it out and doing it again. However, I do believe he is depressed as even I have noticed he does not bathe, he is not watching sports, etc.

 

When I tell him how I Feel he says "you aren't helping". Well, let me tell you, I am not going to sit back and eat ****, be looked in the eye and told he does not love me and just be OK with that. I have every right to say how I feel, and NOT have to fear whether he is leaving or not.

 

In any case, I am working on me and my kids and moving ALONE. he is giving me no help. I am going to LEAVE HIM. Who would stay under these conditions? He has threatened my security and that of my childrens one too many times. I told him this morning that ;

I quit. I give. Whatever he is doing, go do it. That depression doesn't put you on an emotional rollercoaster as he says he is on. I believe that my husband is using depression as an excuse to CHEAT on me and then saying "well don't even MENTION cheating because it makes me more depressed and I might leave".

 

I will not tolerate this. I am not a doormat. I will be moving to the breakup forum lately. But am I nuts for thinking he is cheating? I mean, if he is cheating, he has NO time to do it, believe me. He is either at work or with me.

 

But I just can't stay with someoen who tells me they don't love me anyways. Even though he took it back, am I wrong for closing myself down and moving on now? No one likes to hear that they are not loved, they are DISGUSTING AND SOMETIMES HATED and then have the one you love so callously and insensitively say "welp, its over, Im leaving- bye".

 

I cannot do this. I hate him.

[serialgf]

wow there are a lot of issues going on here... have you guys been to marital counseling? because you definitely should..... it sounds like there is a huge wall between you two that is causing the communication to be really poor.

 

about the depression. how much research have you done on depression? you should read up on it. i am no expert but i was a psych major in college and i in my opinion you are making some incorrect assumptions about depression. it does affect how you feel about others, it can cause you to have crazy mood shifts and it doesn't necessarily mean that you sleep in... that said, i don't know from what you posted whether he's depressed or not, i just think you shouldn't dismiss it so easily

 

my gut feeling from reading your post is that he just doesn't love you anymore. it sounds like he's only "depressed" when he's home. it honestly doesn't sound like he's cheating on you. maybe he's spending lunches with a female coworker and she dropped her pen in his car. who knows? its almost irrelevent, because you both seem to have an intense animosity towards each other and that's the real issue. i mean who really cares if he's cheating on you when you don't seem to love him either? you guys need to find out where that hate is coming from and a marriage counselor can help you with that.

 

my advice would be to spend some time separated - maybe you could encourage him to move into one of those one-bedrooms. during that time, go to marriage counseling together and individual counseling apart.... but hey, i'm no expert... that's just my opinion

[OhGeeAgain]

Serial:

 

We did go to counseling in 2006 when he cheated on me but after a few sessions stopped. He once told me that he was going to a counselor on his own but I discovered he was lying to me about that. I have been on an infidelity forum for two years. He was in the beginning but then after I let him move back in ( notice after i let him move back in), he stopped going to counseling and stopped going to the forum. Something tells me I should have kept him out in 2006.

 

I do hate him for wasting my time. For two years, he has said he is "working on things" but he has not. He called the counselors stupid and the forums stupid and has not even tried to be intimate with me. I do not deserve this. I am tired of receiving love in bits and pieces. I deserve more than

 

I love you, I dont love you, I want you, I dont want you, I want to be married, ok no I dont.

 

WHATEVER his issue may be, it can no longer be mine. It is about me and the kids now. I am moving on and finding a new man on my own time- someone that doesn't run so hot and cold.

 

I would LOVE TO SAY that I would stand by my husband because he is depressed. He wants help. i am so confused. I am torn, but more adamant that I am tired of this. Does that make me such a bad person? If he is cheating, its a no deal thing. Him TELLING me he did not love me then saying he did not mean it was kind of a breaker there. He deserves to be loved, yes, but HE gets all the loving.

 

Then he complains to me that he has to "do" things for me. This is ridiculous. I think it boils down to exactly what he said "I just can't do it, I just don't want the responsibility".

 

he bailed on his family, not me. I never bailed on him through anything. I never looked him in the eyes for four hours straight and said "I dont love you". You can't DO that to someone like that, depression or NOT.

 

He said last year he was depressed and that it was his GOAL to get better.

 

I am stuck. Look, I wont lie. I have men in the wings. I just finished putting myself on a dating site. Why should I continue to sit here and be the honest faithful one? WHAT am I suppossed to do? For me, its quitting time.

 

And, for the record- this is not anything new. He has loved me/ not loved me/ left/came back countless times. This is the first time he has ever been so sure about it though then took it right back. He said he is emotionless and cares about nothing. Im sorry, I dont have time for mental problems. I am not for him.

 

I deserve to be loved too dammit.

[sandrawg]

I think you should leave him as a trial separation and tell him you won't even consider going back unless he gets help for his "depression."

 

Don't even think about jumping into anything with another guy "in the wings." That'll only complicate matters. You guys are married...you've got kids...come on, be an adult. Work on your marriage if only for the sake of the kids.

 

You have no evidence yet that he's cheating so you can't use that as a reason, but his wiffly-waffly attitude and putting you and your family in jeopardy financially are more than enough reasons to put him on probation.

 

Best of luck to you.

[sweet&simple]

I'm not defending him-- don't get upset and think that.. but.. depression can do strange things to people. It can make you turn on the people you love, I'd know. I battle depression daily. It is also an "emotional rollercoaster." Just because you are "depressed" doesn't mean you are down 24/7. Your mood can change rapidly and quickly.

 

The only reason I would say that he's not cheating is because he's home on time, no pay has gone missing, etc.. there is no time to, like you said, unless it's someone at work [who knows, it might be.. but I'm just offering a different opinion.]

 

I'm just saying.. it sounds like you guys have a lot going on with losing the house and everything-- which could explain why when he gets home he gets into a slump again [i would too seeing something I was losing.]

 

Obviously, there's something going on with him. It might be cheating, it might not.. but if you think moving out on your own is best for YOU and for YOUR KIDS, then you should definitely do it.

[OhGeeAgain]

Thanks guys for your replies. I think you are all right in your own ways. Either which way I look at this, it has to stop. He claimed depression last year when he walked out and said he was going to get help. He did not. He said he did love me but has emotional deep seated issues back then. I just can no longer go without love.

 

I asked him today in email if he wants me to even try. He did not answer me. All he said to my other emails was "ok". As I said though, he IS willing to see a doctor and wants ME to make the appointment for him which I did say I would do. I don't want to bail out on him if it depression AND he gets help, but I fear it is so much worse. But then again, I don't want to stay either because he CONSTANTLY puts me through this. Am I making any sense?

 

But I can no longer hear "depression" as an excuse to every single last thing. Everytime he walks out or threatens it, all the sudden he is depressed. Come to think of it, he has been depressed our entire relationship then. He uses it as a REASON why he cannot love me, and why he doesn't show it to me, etc.

 

He said he doesn't love himself let alone me. One minute he loves me, the next he doesn't. I suggested ( actually a counselor did) that he is bipolar but he said he isn't that. ( How would he know actually). The bouncing around and up in the air and YES YES YES threatening the kids and I financially is just enough. If he up and left, we'd be hurting BIG TIME. I NEED him right now and I DO love him. But I hate him for continuing to do this crap, especially when I need him most.

 

I just can no longer tolerate this. These aren't his kids ( formerly married). Its just too easy for him to walk away. I feel I am wasting my time.

 

And, I am going to cheat on him. Thats horrible, but I am sick of it. Cheat on what? He told me he hates me, doesn't love me and wants to leave. I guess I am cheating on absolutely nothing then.

 

I wish he could have participated in our relationship at all. He never has. I always have, even when he cheated on me, IIIIIIIIIIIII tried to fix things. No more. It is so time for me to move on.

 

It hurts to hear him say those things. He doesn't care if I hurt. He just tells me "oh its not helping" when I tell him it hurts. Whatever.

[sweet&simple]

WHOA. Stop.

 

Why would you cheat on him? Don't you think that's only going to cause MORE issues and problems? It's one thing to LEAVE a relationship and do what's right by you.. it's another to put yourself in a bad situation for you and your children just so you can feel some temporary love. Get a hold of yourself.

 

I speak from experience when I say it's hard to get help.. I had to be pushed and pushed to seek mental help-- it's a VERY hard thing to do given the stigmas of it, and it's a lot easier to sit around hating yourself and your life than admit you have a lot of things to work on and delve into them.

 

If you're going to stick around, get him the help he needs, give it a while, see if it helps. If it doesn't, leave.

 

If you're going to leave now, get yourself together and make sure you have a place for you and your kids and set up a life. I think the LAST thing you need to be thinking about right now is another relationship.. you're trying to make decisions about THIS one.. doing what he did at this point will just make you as low as he is. You're just making excuses like he did to do it, "well I get no love, if I got the love I deserved I wouldn't need someone else." If you feel there is no marriage left, GET A DIVORCE. I can't express to you how stupid I think it is that you're talking about cheating.. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to offend, but rather to convey.

[porter218]

I am stuck. Look, I wont lie. I have men in the wings. I just finished putting myself on a dating site. Why should I continue to sit here and be the honest faithful one? WHAT am I suppossed to do? For me, its quitting time.

.

Well that doesn't sound too honest or very faithful. You should leave immediately. Even though he has done wrong, it isn't right for you to do wrong. You don't need to have someone to leave your M with...that is just wrong. Do it the right way...alone.

[Lucky_One]

Wow, this might be cold and this might be harsh, but if you are so sick that you can't work, then you are too sick to be dolling yourself up and looking to score.

[OhGeeAgain]

I think I didn't put down exactly what I was saying.

 

I was saying that our relationship is over and that I am leaving ( already contacted attorney and have an appointment to get things on the ball so to speak). Also, sorry to whoever asked about my illness, but NO I cannot work outside out the house. I have neurally mediated hypotension ( chronic form) FROM my disease. BUT, I do have tons of links to verified, real and actually online work from home jobs. My friend that I know actually works for two of them. That way, so be it if my blood pressure bottoms out on me. I can work from laying in bed if I have to, and so I will until I get better.

 

What I meant to say is: I am moving on in my life and yes, divorcing him. Its done and over with. He knows this as I told him last night "Well, I quit. Time after time, I hear YOU say that you quit and that you are leaving and coming back, and everytime you leave and come back, you leave and come back with the scent of another woman and yet again no help for this "depression"". It didn't phase him one bit that I am leaving and you know what? Me neither.

 

He pushed me and pushed me and pushed me and then would cheat on me. When I told him to stop , or try to talk with him, all I have heard is "you are blowing things out of proportion, you are nuts, that doesn't make sense, get help". In other words, I have been allowed to have NO feelings, and I have never been allowed to say STOP IT, just stop it- that HURTS. When I was on the phone with my girlfriend yesterday getting a web address link that I needed to a company that is hiring right now for work at home, I started telling her some of the stuff he has said to me, including that up there and she said

 

"thats abuse". I believe she is right. In fact, I know she is right. I have been held down and SPIT ON, I have had him stand there and STICK his tongue out at me like a two year old, walked away so he could go drink. His favorite thing to do is get into bed, pull the covers up over his head and say "lemme alone" as though he is FIVE.

 

So what I meant to say is that I have male friends and the like that have wanted to date me. I have told them NO, Im married! I still have an ex coworker who has often said he wished I was single and yet again, I blew him off and said "no, I am married" ( even though my husband is single- thats what he tells all his sluts). I meant to say:

calling the attorney ( of which I did)

Getting papers drawn ( will be today)

and moving on. If I want to have sex/sleep with or be with someone else, I will.

My husband told me I was single. TOld me he didn't love me. Told me he was going to leave. Honestly? That was just the icing on the cake and perhaps what I needed to hear to get my wake up call. there is nothing like hearing " i hate you , you disgust me" coming from someone's mouth that you put everything into.

 

From YESTERDAY forward, I have no further obligation to my husband except to make sure I sign those divorce papers. And, I already have.

 

You can only push someone for so long before they crack. I think I got pushed enough. It wouldn't be cheating- cheating on what? What marriage? its OVER, papers are drawn.

[Milkflavor123]

I hate to say it, but maybe he was trying to push you to this level because he didnt know how to do it himself. Depression is a scary thing, and most people dont want to get help with issues because they are too lazy to do it. You should be leaving him, because in a marriage, you can't afford to wait around for someone to fall out of depression. You have tried helping him more times than none. For the sake of your illness, being in a position like you are, does not help you. You need someone to help you and your children. Your husband is acting like a child.

 

Basically, he is making your illness worse. Stress never allows your body to feel at ease. I am not sure if your disease is can be cured, but I know that not everyday do you have to feel abosolutely terrible.

 

Good for you for leaving, even though I know its the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Let time heal wounds, and find someone you dont need to stress over. Love is supposed to make your soul feel lifted- not the other way around.

[sweet&simple]

This is really just an opinion:

 

I understand that the papers are drawn, but why not wait until it's finalized? Why not wait until you are secure financially and emotionally with yourself and your children before talking about allllll these other guys you could be dating?

 

Take care of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Stop worrying about your entitlement to a new relationship.

[OhGeeAgain]

Yes definitely! My kids are of my UTMOST importance, and believe it or not is number UNO on why I am leaving him. They don't need this crap. They don't need someone so willing to walk away from their lives. He is their step father. He is not legally responsible for them. My ex husband is. But that doesn't mean that the income he brings in does not help support these kids, but it does. I asked him when he was telling me to leave what he wanted me to do. His answer? I Don't care. I wasn't always dependant on my husband financially. I worked all of my children's lives up until last summer, when I HAD to put my health first and my husband and I both knew we would financially be just fine on his income alone.

 

But then he threatens to take that away, WHILE we are in the middle of losing the house we have rented for five years because she is selling off EVERYTHING ( and the price is way too high to buy this house has issues LOL). So no home, no income and he doesn't CARE?

 

I care! I have KIDS! HE is the one that helped convince me to quit working to begin with. Now I see why- abuse, and trust me, I have been isolated since and clearly quite miserable.

 

Like I said, I had numbers to work at home jobs. Sure its not in my degress ( I have a bachelors) and I WOULD NEED to work at home- I have an autistic son ( who acts better than my husband). I called those numbers yesterday and I have training on one job coming up. I already have my entire bedroom packed and yesterday started working on cleaning out the basement to the best of my ability.

 

So no, Im not getting out the old black book. Im busy. I have that thing called food, and a roof to give my kids. BUT, if I get asked again, I sure as heck am not responding with "I'm married". Marriage is a commitment and it takes alot of love, neither of which my husband has been willing to work on.

 

It is going to feel good to NOT have a man around that pulls covers up over his head.