spoonfull Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 so it's been a year for me & my guy on wed. we have been out to eat about twice & to 2 movies. when he played in a pool league & softball league I would go to watch "him" do what he likes for fun. he goes out with his buddies & i go out with my friends. when he's out i let him be & dont bother him. when i go..he texts me where i'm at & whatever else may be on his mind. the thing is, he never will take just me. we have never went just out together. he would take his ex's out all the time but not me. it makes me feel like he's ashamed of me & it makes me so insecure. he never says i'm pretty, cute, or beautiful & the fact that he never wants to be seen with me in public says it doesnt it. I've always had boyfriends tell me i'm sexy or whatever, that helps build you up where you feel so good. with him he has said maybe once or twice that i'm cute but it was my personality that got him & that looks can be decieving. so basically to me, that means i'm a dog. when we went to watch fireworks on the 4th it was like he was 900 feet away from me & all he does is gawk at the other women. he notices if this girl is cute or a cutie pie but doesn't notice anything about me. what is this about? i ask him why he took out his ex's but wont take me. he said they were bar fly's & that's where they met. i said so since we met a convience store i should be so lucky if you take me there??? i said you met your last 2 relationships in bar as one night stands but it went further..one girl ended up cheating on you & the other tried to say she was pregnant with your baby when she already was pregnant before she messed with you. So if i treated you like **** then you would take me out?? he said he's trying to take a different approach with this relationship & why is it so important for us to go out & that i'm not missing anything in the clubs. i said then why do you go? and the whole different approach thing sounds lame to me. he's here with me most of the time so i dont really think he'scheating but why is he ashamed of me. i'm not that pathetic. it just gets to me & under my skin. why them & not me? someone please give me some words of advice before i lose it!!
ed-205 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 All I can tell you is that my Ex treated me a lot like that, only a bit more extremely. I even got the same lame excuses, "You aren't missing anything", or "You wouldn't have enjoyed yourself", etc. She loved to go out with her "other" friends, to the point where I'd finally get to arrange for an evening so we could go out to a club together, and she'd invite her drinking buddies to come along. It was as if she just wanted me to take care of her and provide her with a safe place to rest-up between parties. Sometimes, it seemed like she didn't *want* me to go out with her, because she was afraid that if I would get used to having a good time too, then maybe I wouldn't be there to provide the stability she needed to support *her* lifestyle. In short, I don't think he's ashamed of you, he's may simply be taking advantage of your quiet good nature. You deserve better, IMHO.
Author spoonfull Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 my quiet good nature? i have done all the going out & partying thing & i'm ok with chilling at home most of the time but going out sometimes doesn't hurt. and i'm not quiet by any means..to me, he should just do it so i will shut up about it. it hurts my feelings & he says he cares but he's tired of hearing the same thing. Exactly, so just do it. I am not quiet about this in fact i'm loud about this scenario. I'm tired of it. And no, it's not that big of a deal but really, it's just one thing after another & i deserve someone who wants me around. Not to babysit but to enjoy time with & if you want all this time to be without me all the time then you can just be on your own. I guess i think i know what i should do but my heart stops me from doing it.
carhill Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I guess i think i know what i should do but my heart stops me from doing it. We're here to help you with that. Let us know what you need. IMO, he's an oinker....
TigerCub Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 To be honest when I was reading the first part of your post, I did think that maybe this guy is just trying to go to the complete end of the spectrum in how he treats girlfriends probably because what he was doing before didn't work. BUT...then I read about how he's checking out girls infront of you (while he never makes you feel good about your appearance) and jow he's standing so far away from you and stuff and that's just not right at all. You've expressed your feelings and concerns to him and he's treating you badly (like previous girls have treated him) and that's definitely not a healthy relationship you're in because why should you pay for other people's mistakes. I think he took his 'switch up the approach' thing too far, I'm guessing that the girls he was with before knew that they were all that - and they burnt him one way or another - and now it seems like he's slowly killing your self confidence to ensure that you don't do that to him - and that's so wrong...I think when a boyfriend/girlfriend's actions get so bad that they're harming their partner's self esteem, its really not worth it to tough it out - I'm actually surprised that you stuck around for a year. Do yourself a favor and get out (if he's not making any changes) and work on rebuilding your confidence. **HUGS**
bigmanpayne Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 To be honest when I was reading the first part of your post, I did think that maybe this guy is just trying to go to the complete end of the spectrum in how he treats girlfriends probably because what he was doing before didn't work. BUT...then I read about how he's checking out girls infront of you (while he never makes you feel good about your appearance) and jow he's standing so far away from you and stuff and that's just not right at all. You've expressed your feelings and concerns to him and he's treating you badly (like previous girls have treated him) and that's definitely not a healthy relationship you're in because why should you pay for other people's mistakes. I think he took his 'switch up the approach' thing too far, I'm guessing that the girls he was with before knew that they were all that - and they burnt him one way or another - and now it seems like he's slowly killing your self confidence to ensure that you don't do that to him - and that's so wrong...I think when a boyfriend/girlfriend's actions get so bad that they're harming their partner's self esteem, its really not worth it to tough it out - I'm actually surprised that you stuck around for a year. Do yourself a favor and get out (if he's not making any changes) and work on rebuilding your confidence. **HUGS** totally agree. stop holding on to something that isnt there. no matter why he is doing what he is doing... he is being disrespectful towards you and doesnt deserve you. stop putting up with his crap, you're not married or tied to him in any way so just leave. the very moment that you have to have the conversation about why he wont take you out then it is over. he's standing far away from you and checking out other women? he's treating you like a doormat. have some respect for yourself otherwise he wont respect you either.
Author spoonfull Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I do love him but I can only bring this up so many times. I, myself am tired of bringing it up. But it's always something you know. He says he is tired of hearing it..well, change something then, just for me. It's like, the other day he was staring at Victoria Secret stuff online. That isn't that big of a deal but everytime I walked in the room he shut the window down. Then I called him on it & said there were sales..well, if there were sales why am i not reaping from that benefit. I didn't get any gifts & you got your jollys off in your head. And the porn, you know, I know alot of people enjoy porn, but I always feel like he wants me to look like that. Why? Probably becausae of how our relationship is. He doesn't make me feel beautiful or sexy. He wants to look at all that, go ahead, when you are not around me I don't care. But when I saw the titles of these movies it made me wanna puke. And then I'm thinking that I don't look like anyone of these women..at all. I'm dark hair dark eyed & all these are blonde & hugmongus boobs.. Is that what I need to look like before he takes me out? I never thougth I was the hottest thing around but I definately had more confidence before I was with him. Men say things to me & other boyfriends did so I dont think I'm a cocker spaniel or anything but he's making me feel like I"m not good enough. I love him. But I'm starting to wonder what do I love about him & what does he do for me? Help? Am I the only woman who thinks I need to look like a porn star to get compliments? He's making me crazy! Aaahhh!
Walk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Is it mostly that he doesn't do those things that would make you feel special to him, loved by him? (just trying clarifying what the main issue is here) Seems to me that you aren't getting what you need from him. If you two can't figure out a way to discuss this issue without becoming combatitive and creating distance, then the relationship is already over with. From this point on, you two are just going through the motions. You can drag it out... which means a longer period of pain and hurt feelings, or you can rip the splinter out and start the healing process. His actions are not a reflection of your beauty or self-worth. Its hard not to feel that way sometimes, but just because he can't see it, doesn't mean you are any less beautiful and attractive.
Author spoonfull Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 he just doesn't make me feel like i'm one of a kind or just special. if he's so busy watching his porn & looking at half naked women on the net or whatever, it's just like, you are getting off on that & I don't look like that & I'm tired of feeling like i'm not enough. I've never felt like this before. Some of the things he says or does is just soo blatantly disrespectful. I know men have fantasies, blah blah but seriously, you think i want to go to this cathouse thing he saw on tv? Um, nope. I've just been really thinking if I want to stay with him. I just am looking at all the pro's & con's of this & I am just feeling like my self worth has just went out the window since i've been with him. He acts like he's 20..when is he going to at least try to grow up. And if he only thinks blondes with fake ones are sexy, why is he with me? I am a very dark girl. If he wants that..he can get that all over, don't try to get at me then & make something outta this if i can't satisfy your needs.
BleuStar Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 He sounds Exactly like my ex. My ex would always call other girls 'hotties' in front of me, constantly looked at other girls on the computer, and I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him because I didn't look like that. I also got no compassion or romance from him, it was like he was keeping me around until he found someone better. And the relationship just kept getting worse as time went on. I'm surprised you lasted a year, I could only take it for 4 months. If he is making you feel bad about yourself, then you need to let him go. These type of people don't change and they never will. And you will only be left feeling lower than low about yourself, which takes a long time to get over. (Trust me, I've started seeing a counselor about this because my ex made me feel like the ugliest person on the planet). It takes awhile to get your self-esteem back when you deal with a person like this that doesn't show his love in a 'normal' way)
Ruby Slippers Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 This probably isn't going to get better. I say drop him and find someone who appreciates you and knows how to show it.
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