used2bspunky Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Two weeks after being let go isn't really a long time is it, in the big scheme of things? I swear it feels like 2 months to me.. and the more I read postings on here, the better I feel. I am so grateful for this website and everyone who has helped me! You know.. I have been thinking (and don't we all do it.. analyze, reflect, ponder about what "went wrong"), but aside from that - I remembered how I was over the past couple of years with him. We were both having marital difficulties and dealing with separations.. there were times that he would just disappear, come up with some excuse and that was it. I let him go each and every time. I had to, I had no choice. We were both technically still married and not to each other. I used to let him go, be a bit bummed for a day or two, but I just went about with my business. How was I able to do it then, but not now? Well, then --- I was still living at home with my husband, albeit in a separate part of the house, I still had that "security" if you will. A safety net? Perhaps.. But whatever it was, it allowed me to go on with NC and not even give it another thought. I knew he'd be back. Sure enough every single time, he's be back to say hello... then we would get close again. This happened a few times, until both our marriages dissolved... divorces were filed. Then we had a legitimate relationship. The safety net for me was gone. To add more to the mix - I moved out and am on my own. Quite lonely, and only see my children half the week. I didn't leave my marriage for this other guy- my marriage was broken far before we met, so it isn't that.. but this time now that he is gone, a VERY small part of me feels --- he'll be back. The other part of me sees a far different reality - that I was way too needy and pushed him away for good. But you know what? F him. I know I was nothing but good to him.. loving, respectful..I was going through a horrible horrible time, and he decided to withdraw. How many times did he tell me I was such a good person.. a great mother. Beautiful. ...and that he's an 'ass' he'd say.. for being the occasional jerk to me. I also got the, "you deserve better than me". I ignored most of this stuff because he too was going thru a painful divorce. So, now I sit, 2 weeks after being let go - and I'm seriously hoping that today is the first day of me just not giving a $hit anymore about what he is doing, his reasons for this, and whether or not he is sad and/or thinking of me. No.. I am not going to do it anymore. Wasted energy. The one and ONLY thing that could turn me around this point - is if he came back - and not in a friggen text message, live in the flesh or at a minimum on the damn phone --- and proclaimed his love for me and wanting to start over again, in a healthier place. EVEN BETTER -- since i just moved to my new place last month, he hasn't even been here. He has my address in an angry email I sent last month, to mail my stuff to me. (he never did, we still talked, but since then i have picked up my stuff).. but if he found that email and looked up my address online and directions - and showed up here. Even better. He's a fool for letting me go and perhaps some day he will realize it. After the pain I have endured, the ridiculous thoughts of not wanting to live anymore.. hell no - he isn't deserving of me unless he is willing to turn things around. I have suffered enough. Thanks LS and everyone who has posted!
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